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Young Writers Society


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The Tales of the Argonauts: The Osorezu and the Hana (Chapter 2-1)

by ulala8, defiantAuthoress


Previous Chapter: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=108724

Chapter 2: The Hana and the Island of Paradise

The Past

Osorezu and Hana settled in the forest, erecting a small hut out of fallen branches. Osorezu became a hunter, using a sharpened horn as his weapon. As the days began to grow colder, he clothed himself and his mate in usa furs and shika pelts (if he was lucky enough to kill one). (Shika were large, dainty plant eaters.) He came to the habit of thanking the dead animal for the meat and the pelt that it provided. When autumn came and winter began to approach, it became clear that the days would only grow shorter and colder. Osorezu began to hunt for days on end, attempting to gather enough pelts to cover their hut. By the time that the cold white (called Yuki) began to fall from the sky, Osorezu had covered their home in warm furs.

“We’re warm now, and we have plenty of meat and berries and nuts. We can stay in here for all of the cold days from now on.” Osorezu suggested. Hana shook her head.

“I am with child, Osorezu.” She said, holding her hands over her stomach loosely. “I want to spend my time on the Island of Paradise.”

Osorezu sat up the ground and began to light a fire within the hut, so that the heat would spread out inside.

“What is the Island of Paradise?” He asked as his hands worked.

“It is an island of spirits. It does not grow cold there. They have plenty of delicious foods. They are generous and have offered to care for me.”

"And will they care of you better than I would?" Osorezu questioned, taking some offense to the proposition. He felt that she was his mate and he could protect her.

“They can.” Hana confirmed. “I am sure that the spirits will allow you to stay with me on the island.”

Osorezu agreed to the journey and they set out at dawn. A spirit guide appeared before Hana as they emerged from the hut. He was a large silver bear, with drooping wise eyes and lips that curled down into a frown. He spoke few words, and when he did, he grumbled. His words were grand and seemed endless and ancient. His lips never moved, even as he spoke. His voice seemed to spill from the very air itself and it surrounded Osorezu with its deep rumble. The spirit guide led them through the forest and into the yuki covered grasslands.

As they reached the end of the grasslands, a floating island began to appear before the bear. It seemed like a mirage to Osorezu, as the outline of the island wavered and faded in and out of existence before his eyes. Trees grew from the island that Osorezu had never seen. They had few leaves, but they were large and had fingers. He called them Yashi. Strange ferns grew over the expanse of the island, frayed leaves hanging over the edge. Mizu would occasionally drip down over the edge as if a Kawa was circling the isle, hazarding the edge. In the centre of the large floating earth was a giant Yashi with leaves that draped over the expanse of the island. A silver staircase descended from the island so that all could climb to it.

The bear sat down in the yuki before he gestured for Hana to ascend. Hana nodded her head to the spirit before she began to the island. The bear waited patiently for the woman to reach the top before he began to climb as well. Osorezu began to follow after the bear. The bear turned around and sat upon one of the steps, blocking the entire walkway.

“You cannot follow.” He grumbled.

“Why can’t I?” Osorezu gasped out, eyes widening. He couldn’t leave his mate.

“Your soul is filled with fire and darkness. You cannot connect with the spirits, so you cannot set foot upon the island. You will fall through and plummet to your death. You must stay here.” The bear explained before standing, turning and following after Hana. No matter how the Ningen fought, he could not pass the spirit. At every attempt to ascend, the bear would simply plop down and block the walkway.

Hana did not look back, and Osorezu was left to live on earth without her. In the time that passed, Osorezu found that many more men and women had grown from the earth and he had a child with each woman. When Hana finally returned to earth in summer, she carried with her her child: Hikaru. Like his mother, he could see and speak with the spirits. The other children could not.


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Mon Feb 24, 2014 4:53 am
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Aley wrote a review...



So I am kind of annoyed that you keep naming things in Japanese at this point. I can understand you're adding some flavor to it by crossing languages but you're going to end up doing a few things to your readers if you keep this up: First, we're going to need to remember a lot of trivial things, like water is Hana, or we're going to need to go back and look for that description repeatedly until we finally get it memorized. That's going to put a lot of people off from reading this. For instance, I'm already kind of confused at this point: "Mizu would occasionally drip down over the edge as if a Kawa was circling the isle, hazarding the edge." Now I'm sure you covered what these were, Kawa and Mizu, but for the life of me I cannot recall them. Osorezu names things so frequently, like whatever that 'buffalo' creature was, that I can't keep up in my head. If you insist on keeping this aspect of your story, I would suggest providing a key of some sort at the bottom of the chapters so that we can have a quick reference for his speech instead of going through every time to find that one description that says you renamed snow to yuki.

Aside from that point, I don't think there is too much which actually stood out in this chapter so far. It flows well with 1.1 and I'm not sure about having it go back and forth between the past and present, but each connected to themselves work fine. Together, they don't have much of a flow between the two styles and I prefer when we're with the children at this point because it is more familiar to me than this style of writing in eastern literature. I've read Monkey which is like this, but the whole thing is a Chinese folklore so it is supposed to sort of be like this. It's back when there was an oral history.




ulala8 says...


The two parts of each chapter are supposed to be distinct styles. The Past /is/ like folklore. It's in here to breathe into the readers the stories that the people have been told for centuries as well as give meaning to the world and the order of things.
I plan on including a key for all of the terms at the end of the book, and I apologize that it's not in here yet. However, all of the words so far are Japanese, not my own made up language. They are just placeholders for the actual words.



Aley says...


Yes I have noticed that they are all Japanese words and not a made up language. I just don't think that keeping placeholders for so many things is important.



ulala8 says...


It's not important, but do you think that it would be fun to say, "This person was just born from earth and fire, and he named the water "water"."?



Aley says...


That's why you say "he named the clear shimmering wet liquid of the earth "water"" instead. It forces you to be more descriptive. However, I'm not saying get rid of all of them, just pick some. Like if you want to go with Water, Fire, Earth, Air, then just do those ones, instead of all of the subcategories like snow, and so forth. We can remember four of them. We can't remember 24.



ulala8 says...


I attempted to lessen the amount of new words that I put into the story because I agree that it should be kept to a small amount. However, I had a riot from the readers in my PMs and on another site that this was on. You're the only one so far to have a problem.



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Tue Feb 18, 2014 7:50 pm
NerdBird wrote a review...



Hi there! Your friendly neighbourhood Nerd bird here for a review! :)

Nitpicks and the like!

"he clothed himself and his mate in usa furs and deer pelts" -- I feel like you have somewhat betrayed your own story style here, why give all YOUR animals names that WE already know and use? Keep your animal names and your story history alive :)

"His words were grand and seemed endless and ancient. His lips never moved, even as he spoke."-- what did it say? possibly add a bit of dialogue here to give us an idea or allude more to curiosity, whichever you prefer :)

"before she began to the island."-- a word missing here? began to walk perhaps?

Feedback

I like the way your jumping to and from the past, giving us an insight into this world youve created and the ningen who founded it.
This chapter for me appears to have lost some of the imagery you had in previous chapters, what did the floating island look like? was there a city atop it? towers? a whole other world?
what things did they pass as the spirit guide led them on there journey, more details opens up your story world to us.

I feel as if the last paragraph is rushed. There is not much emotion from osorezu, if he was so distraught would he really mate with every other woman he could find? perhaps he could wander without her for a while in mourning, before happening upon another mate, to me it seems like the other woman and children happen a bit fast. :)

Overall, give us more! :) Keep up the good work!




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Tue Feb 18, 2014 6:05 am
Iggy wrote a review...



*waves* Me again.

When you approached me on the chat bar and asked me to review this, you also asked if you should consider making this into a novel. Well.. since this is already coming across as a novel, I'm gonna go with "yes, please continue this, because you obviously put in a lot of work to flesh it out, and it's good so far, so yes, continue it."

Alright, so this looks like a clean chapter to me. So no grammar nitpicks for now.

There's actually no nitpicks overall. This was a nicely written chapter, very nice. I love that you're switching from the past to the present to the past, in hopes to slowly reveal more to the reader as it goes along.

Okay, I lied. There is one nitpick. You say Osorezu has children with other women. But since he was the first man on the earth, wouldn't that mean that Hana was the first woman on the earth? I assume he didn't have these kids with his daughters, so am I just wrong for assuming this? Or was Hana really the first woman on earth? I mean, why else would scholars, or whatever they are supposed to be, be named after her? Do make that a bit more clearer in the previous chapters, and this one, so people like me don't get their tongues in a twist from trying to explain their reasoning. x)

Other than that, this is nice so far. I like the fact that Osorezu was unable to go with his mate to the Island of Paradise, though I am disappointed with the lack of emotion you gave to that. Doesn't that bug Osorezu at all, to be told that his soul is filled with darkness? I want to see emotion from him, and his thoughts and reactions to things.

Do let me know when the next chapter comes out~




ulala8 says...


I'll make it more clear. Hana was the first woman and she was the first Child of Light (but that's something for another time). However, humans began popping out of the mud like every other creature was. Osorezu and Hana were just the first.




I am just curious-have I ever been on the bottom quote-thingy?
— foxmaster