Things Just Got Complicated

The cool New York air pokes at my cheeks. It's New Years Eve, and New York is the place to be. I'm not here just for New Years, I live here, in the busy bustling city. Tonight is the busiest night of the year and it's difficult to dodge the crowds and cabs heading to Times Square.

I make my way against the throng of people. I'm meeting someone, Cody. It's 9:00 and I'm heading to a popular NY cafe. Ironically, it's called Times Square Cafe. Regardless, that's where I'm meeting Cody and I can feel my hands shaking. My heart is pounding in my chest and I adjust my gray peacoat as I walk. My fuzzy boots keep my feet warm but I left my gloves at home. I know my hands aren't shaking from the cold, I'm just so scared to see Cody after all this time.

I near the cafe, and I nervously open the glass door. I see him sitting at a table, hunched over a menu. My boots are silent, but I don't startle him when I sit down. He seems nonchalant and unaffected by my presence. What he doesn't know is that I am anything but unaffected by him. When I see him or text him, my heart races. I love him, but part of me is afraid of him. He can be so demanding sometimes and very intimidating. Regardless, I love the man known as Cody Ellery. But he will never love me.

He glances at me as I remove my coat to reveal my favorite blouse. Although my face is perfectly made up and I'm wearing my favorite outfit and my hair is perfect, I have no affect on him. I'm so screwed.

"So. What did you call me here for, Rose?" I bite my lip. He makes me nervous, especially when he uses my name.

"Cody, you haven't really spoken to me for months. I've been missing you and I thought..." I trail off. He raises an eyebrow. I'm jealous. I envy that skill that all boys seem to have.

"You know I don't like to waste time. Is there something important you would like to tell me?" We are not friends. That's all I am to him, a waste of time. Once upon a time, we were friends. We did everything together. Now... not so much. I want desperately to keep him here. He's finally speaking to me, and I need to keep him here. So what do I tell him? I tell him what I'm thinking.

"I love you." I blurt. "I know you'll never feel the same way about me and that I'm probably making a fool of myself right now but I miss you and I needed to see you to tell you that because it's New Years Eve and-" He waves his hand to stop my babbling.

"I've never had feelings for any girl. I don't think I ever liked Katherine either." I gape at him. He had at least a crush on Katherine from when we were freshmen in high school to when we were Juniors. I liked him that whole time as well. I fell in love with him my Senior year. Now I'm a Junior in college at Julliard, studying art. It's a long time to love someone, and the fact that Cody never liked Katherine shocks me.

"But you said-"

"I know what I said." He cuts me off again. So if he hasn't felt anything for any other girls, does that mean...?

"Are you gay?" I ask. Cody chuckles and shakes his head.

"Once again, Rose, you have managed to ask too many questions and to confuse yourself in the process. No I am not gay. I don't have feelings for men, nor do I feel anything for women. I just don't feel things romantically." That's when I ask the stupid question.

"So does that mean you're going to stay a virgin for the rest of your life?" I've surprised him. My questions have a way of surprising him in ways that nobody could.

"Well, I'd never really thought about that. But if you're offering..." I blush and he smirks. Part of me wants to scream at him that I'd love to, another part of me refuses to be intimate with someone who doesn't feel anything toward me. "That's what I thought. I was just kidding. I don't want you to be uncomfortable around me." He says.

There it is. He cares about me now. He's usually so cold, but once in a while with me I see his personal side, the side I love. I haven't seen that side of him in forever. Not in years, actually.

"Your face used to turn so red when I made you laugh. I used to say 'Rose is rose'. Remember?" I giggle. Cody and I used to escape to the high school library together every day to work on a project. Once the project was over, the old habits died hard. We continued to go the library every day during freshman year. It ended the year after. We didn't speak much, but there were times when we did throughout the years before he disappeared again. I miss that time. I miss it more than anything.

He doesn't seem to miss it, however. It seems his recollection of the past memory has faded. Cody has three expressions, pissed off, neutral and what I call "a touch of happy". This is when his normally scowling face forms into a half smile. It's my favorite expression, and I'm sad when it vanishes from his face. It's very rare, but I love seeing it. he doesn't like to show his teeth when he smiles. He hates his smile because his teeth are crooked and he never got braces. I love it. I love him.

So it's back to business with Cody.

"Any more questions?" He knows how I love to ask questions.

"Yeah. What was your first thought when I... well when-" I want to say 'When I told you I love you.' But I can't.

"You sure you want to know that?" He asks. Part of me hesitates. Cody isn't protective. His friends were more protective of me than he ever was. So Cody offering the chance to shield myself from hurt scares me. So I hesitate before I nod.

"It was 'Oh fuck. Things just got complicated.'" I feel tears well up in my eyes, and I quickly blink them away. I don't want him to see me cry.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you... It was selfish of me and I should've let you go on not knowing." I say.

"Don't apologize. What are you apologizing for?" He asks.

"Never mind." I say. I think it's selfish of me. He was happier not knowing. That's why I didn't tell him until now. I wanted his happiness, even if him not knowing killed me inside. The thing about Cody is that me being around him is hell because I always have to constantly remind myself that he will never feel the same way. But not being around him is even worse. Every part of me aches for him and every love song reminds me of him. I still like love songs. I like feeling the hurt it causes me. It's almost like cutting, but it's emotional. It makes me feel.

"It's probably better that I know anyway, so don't feel bad or embarrassed. I have to go, have a happy New Year." I nod.

"Cody... our communications have been inconsistent. I still care about you. If you care about me and want to be friends then let me know by midnight. Text me. I'll keep my phone on me. Okay?" He gives a curt nod and leaves.

I get up to walk out before someone behind the counter of the cafe speaks.

"The least you could do is order something. You did sit in my cafe for half an hour with your boyfriend." I turn around. The man has tired eyes and a thick Brooklyn accent. He's not well-off. So I order a coffee to-go. Even though I hate coffee, it will keep my hands warm.

I take the coffee and pay the man when it's ready. So I walk outside and head to Times Square with the rest of the crowd. It's 11:30 now. There is no sight of Cody. It looks like he went home. It doesn't surprise me, he never was one for parties or anything happy in general. He is disturbed, secretive and probably slightly insane. He's an asshole. But he's my asshole. Even though he probably isn't healthy for me, I can't let him go.

It's 11:55 when I arrive. I toss my now lukewarm coffee before I realize I'm standing at least 3 miles away because the crowds are that thick. My heart pounds as the minutes count up to midnight

11:56
11:57
11:58
11:59

People begin to count down. My phone is silent. It's almost as if the crowds are counting down to my doom.

5
4
3
2
1

Nothing. Everyone screams and couples all around me kiss. I think about Cody and how I would love to kiss him at midnight at Times Square on New Years. Sadly, it won't ever happen. I decide to send him a text.

C, I see you've made your choice. So do me a favor, let me get over you. Don't contact me again.

My thumb hovers over "send". It kills me to cut him out of my life like this. However, my love for him is completely and infinitely unrequited. He will never love me, he will never put my feelings before his own. He doesn't care for me anyway. Part of me doubts that as I think about earlier, how fond he was of our memories. I quickly push that thought out of my head.

Cody gave me strategy once. To let all the fear and pain and sadness in for five seconds. Then after the five seconds, just to push it out. I count to myself.

"Five, four, three, two..." I hit send. "One." I wait. And I wait. As usual, he doesn't respond.

"Goodbye." I whisper. I delete his number from my phone which is pointless since I know his number. I run my thumb over the smooth glass of my iphone. The same iphone Cody has. The same one I used to check emails and texts and missed calls, hoping against hope that I missed a notification and he had tried to contact me. Suddenly I hate this phone. So I throw it on the ground and smash it. The screen is cracked, but still lit up. I stomp on it until it's dead. I don't regret it. A few nearby people stare at me as they watch me grind my foot into my $500 phone. I don't care. Good riddance.

Then I walk away. Tears streak down my face, and there is a Cody shaped hole in my heart. But the love I showed him for years is unrequited and will never be returned. My phone is nowhere near as broken as my heart.

He's gone. He's not ever coming back. And I told him to stay away.

Just like shattered glass, my resolve crumbles when I get into my apartment. I burst into tears and I fall into bed. The tears continue to run down my cheeks but the sobbing has stopped and eventually I drift off. What a great way to start off the new year.