Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fanfiction

18+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Descent Chapter 9: Blood On My Hands Part 2

by D4RKR4VEN


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Full Novel Synopsis: Sequel to 'The Spiralling', itself a sequel to the Kick-Ass (2010) movie. However, this novel can be read on its own. After Big Daddy died, Mindy was driven mad, subdued by Dave, and locked away in an Institute after killing all who she deemed responsible but Dave. Will she recover? What will happen next to a New York without her nor the Motherfucker? Elements of the Kick-Ass 2 (2013) movie and comic series will be taken in.

The Descent

Chapter 9: Blood On My Hands Part 2

The room was still bright in the dark. Yesterday, after we ate at my belated birthday party, Dad, Dave and all my friends went up to my room to paint the walls. I helped out too. I like the colour – light blue all around and dark blue near the ceiling. But I don’t know… I still think pink and purple were nice too.

I snuggled deeper into my bed. It feels warm and cosy… Like it here in Dad and Dave’s home… Love them so much… But why, why were they trying to… What is D’Amico? Sal knows me? Why was my family… D’Amico… Trying to… Can’t… Tower…

Mom already died for nothing… So I’m sure as hell not going to let my Dad die for nothing too…

Dead bodies..! Dead Bodies everywhere! I walked past them, over them why am I in purple tights and boots? Books all over, fallen from bookshelves on both sides what is this place? What is this place? Getting darker…

“Play time’s over kid.” A big man in dark brown clothes said. Who is he? He looks mean.

“I never. Play.” Voice out of my mouth. I can’t control myself, walked closer. Didn’t want to he looks mean please just run.

“Oh really?” He wants to hurt me, he sounds like he does. I ran forward, didn’t want to didn’t want to. He spun like a top, thrust his leg into my face. I flew backwards the pain oh the pain. My face felt broken blood coming out of my nose.

Frank (how did I remember is that his name?) walked to me tried to stomp on my face but I got out of the way, along the couch how did I do that I’m not an adult he tried to kick me while I flew but I was out of the way what is happening? Why am I in this?

We chased each other I veered away from the desk like a game of catch danced around the couch as brown as he was. Wall in front of me blocking me but I walked up the wall and jumped behind Frank.

I jumped on him and started punching him there was metal in my hand metal in my hand started punching him again and again Oh God the violence Dad and Dave won’t like it Frank won’t go down so I smashed his head with mine still won’t go down. I bit him bit him in the shoulder what is happening why am I doing all this violence is wrong?

Frank caught me slammed me against the wall choking choking me can’t breathe panic I can’t help but to panic struggle struggle hard put my hand on his face trying to push him away but my other hand found a vase and I smashed it into his head.

He threw me on the desk everything on me hurts can barely breathe my back hurts the pain. Please stop this, I can’t take… found a knife on my right felt power once again walked up to Frank he has blood everywhere, afraid. Tried to punch me but I stabbed him in the shoulder I wanted to end it cut his throat watch the blood splash but he leaned out of the way, grabbed me but I stabbed him in the arm.

Tried to cut him in the neck again and he tried smack me but I ducked but he knocked the knife out of my hand and smacked me hard oh God my jaw hurts he took me swung me high up in the air couldn’t breathe scared and slammed me into his desk felt myself falling, falling down on the floor the desk had given way felt like my back is broken can’t move anymore jaw hurts everything hurts can’t get up.

Can barely breathe blood in my mouth I think I coughed up blood oh did I did I? Frank walked away I looked at him, wanted to leave just wanted to leave but he came back to me, punched me hard, punched me again, scolding me that I’ve been bad I can hardly see after he was done with me can’t even wriggle anymore. He walked away.

But he came back and pointed something silver at me a wand? No, it was a… Gun… Couldn’t help but to shiver at the sight. “God I wish I had a son like you.” Barely hear him barely conscious “Time for a family reunion.” Blackout I really want to be with Dave and Dad again. Blackout. Explosion. He shot me?

I flew, flew up to heaven. Am I dead?

I opened my eyes and looked out the window. It was raining outside. I had a weird dream… a nightmare. “D’Amico… Tower.” I mumbled, my lips dry. I remember thinking about it before falling asleep. The sun wasn’t up yet. It was blue outside. It was my favourite colour. Something wet was sliding down my nostrils. Must be snot. I wiped it away with my hand. It happens sometimes when I had nightmare, when I was crying.

It was too early. Dad or Dave would usually wake me up when it was bright outside. I got out of bed on my own. I felt light-headed. I could barely remember my nightmares. I could barely remember the last one – only darkness, people shouting. I remembered ‘Robin’. This time, it was even harder – I think I got into a fight. It was messy and everything was happening so fast.

I walked out of my room and into the bathroom. Dave would love it when I do things on my own. More snot coming down my nose. I wiped them away. Pulling a stool out from under the washing basin, I stood up on it and saw myself in the mirror, and for a moment, I thought my hair was purple and I was wearing a mask, but it was only because it was dark.

I switched on the lights, and climbed back up the stools. My hair was blonde. I wasn’t wearing a mask, but there was red on my face. Blood. BLOOD. I nearly fell off the stool. I looked at my hands. BLOOD. I was wiping blood away with my hands. My legs felt like the school canteen’s jelly. My hands too. They were shaking, and I couldn’t help it. My legs felt like giving way, so I sat on the edge of the bathtub. BLOOD. My hands were shaking. I remembered getting into a fight with a big man, but why would I?

It was too much. I promised myself to stop crying, but I couldn’t help but to cry again. It was too much. I was bleeding, and it was still coming out of my nostrils, down my mouth. Then someone knocked on the door. I jumped and stopped crying. I didn’t want to worry them.

“Mandy? You okay in there?” It was Dave’s voice. I panicked, so I quickly got on the stool again. I started washing myself, “I thought I heard you sniffling.”

“I’m fine, Dave. I was just… blowing my nose.” I LIED. I can’t believe I lied to my dear brother. I didn’t even want to. I just didn’t want him to worry about me anymore. I could see that it hurts when he worries about me. The blood on my face and hands was gushing into the sink, light red. I checked myself in the mirror again. There was no purple hair, no mask, and no blood. I stopped bleeding.

“Okay, if you need anything, just holler.” Dave said. He sounded tired, but he was always worried about me. I could hear his footsteps, becoming softer. He must be walking away. I started brushing my teeth, but it was hard because my hands were still shaking.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
639 Reviews


Points: 13700
Reviews: 639

Donate
Fri Mar 06, 2015 1:23 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hey, Dark Raven!

I completely agree with megsug when she says that there needs to be some kind of punctuation. When the sentences run so close together like that, it just becomes easier to skip the line all together, and it's not as interesting (not to mention a pain to read). So, this would be one of those times to have brisk pauses between sentences, short and sweet.

What usually makes and action scene really work, dream or not, is that there has to be some kind of establishment of the setting, where everything is. We have to know what is where so we can envision every action brought to us and move on quickly, so that we don't get super confused. Throughout most of this, I was just thinking, "What is going on...?" Like, say, Mandy during this. So, point it, it wouldn't hurt to structure the dream like you would any other part, but add in that excitement in the emotion, the absolute opposite feelings of adrenaline from what Mindy is doing to the pure fear that Mandy is feeling.

I have to disagree that I really like how you transition into the dreams. It's a little strange at first, but when everything is sort of merged with the actual narration, if the character plays it off well, sometimes it can create some pretty epic suspense and surprise. Mandy's reaction to it was pretty appropriate and you did a nice job of her drifting off to sleep.

Another, perhaps very unintentional, subtle thing that I noticed that as she was drifting off to sleep, she was thinking about Dave and his father, then to his mother who had died. Well, as she was thinking about that, in a way, she sort of sweared. Because, especially to a religious person, hell used in that sense is given a larger connotation, like any other 'bad word'. An 11 (or 9 or 8) year old would still be around the age that they are shying away from those words, normally, so it adds a slight boost to how her memories are coming back.

If only Dave knew... Her dreams are getting more vivid, as she can see the image now, even getting a bloody nose, but I was thrown off a little bit when she saw herself in a mask and purple hair. Was that another random thing, or did it connect to her seeing it in the dream somehow? If the dream were cleared up, perhaps I wouldn't be as confused, but she couldn't have seen it in the dream. It was still in a first person sense. Is it just another extraneous thought?

One final thing, I'm sort of wondering why Mandy didn't scream. It's not that much of an issue, because it can also be showing her change back to her old personality, but before in this type of situation, she screamed pretty loudly (at seeing her scars.) But, nothing big. Your chapters just keep getting harder to review.

Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~




User avatar
463 Reviews


Points: 12208
Reviews: 463

Donate
Sun Nov 24, 2013 2:37 am
megsug wrote a review...



Hey~
So, I've shown up again. It's a shame you don't get more reviews.

This is an interesting view of Mindy here. I'm going to jump into my nitpicks.

So, Deanie talked about punctuation during the dream, but it's not only where you repeat, but some of your sentences are blatant run-ons, and they're really confusing.

Tried to cut him in the neck again, and he tried smack me, but I ducked, but he knocked the knife out of my hand and smacked me hard. Oh God my jaw hurts. He took me swung me high up in the air- couldn’t breathe, scared- and slammed me into his desk. Felt myself falling, falling down on the floor-/. the desk had given way./- felt like my back is broken./- can’t move anymore./- jaw hurts, everything hurts./,/- can’t get up.

So, you can see how much punctuation you're missing, and I really think you're missing out on an opportunity. Pauses brought on by punctuation can bring a lot of emotion, even panic, to the table. At the very least, separate ideas that are completely different from one another like:
felt like my back is broken can’t move anymore jaw hurts everything hurts can’t get up.

Commas or periods or hyphens. Something to break up this flood of ideas and sensations that are coming at us.
You also need to highlight ideas that are in the middle of a sentence with punctuation like:
and smacked me hard oh God my jaw hurts he took me swung me

"oh God my jaw hurts" breaks up the sentence you've got going, so you need to have some punctuation to tell the reader: this is aside from the idea I'm trying to get across with this sentence.

Deanie also said something about the long sentences. I'm going to disagree with her a tad. Action scenes need quick sentences. It creates the illusion of a fast pace. Now, you don't have to agree with that, but sentences like this:
Tried to cut him in the neck again and he tried smack me but I ducked but he knocked the knife out of my hand and smacked me hard

You have four conjunctions there. That's way too many. Break the sentence in half.

If your four line paragraph is only one sentence... that's a hint that there's a grammatical problem, and grammar does exist for a reason, I'm afraid. Without it, prose can get a bit hair to understand.

Your entire dream really needs work punctuation wise, if you want me to go over it with you, I'd be glad to.

The second part of the chapter I thought to be on par with your usual quality. I won't lie, I'm kind of surprised I like this so much. I went into that first chapter I reviewed kind of skeptical. That's definitely a compliment for your characterization. I hope I run into more of your stuff.

You know my schpiel~
Megs~




D4RKR4VEN says...


Well thanks, I think :D



User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Thu Oct 31, 2013 10:08 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Dark Raven,

Yay! I'm all caught up when it comes to reviews. Please do carry on as you have and let me know when you've posted more. This review is a bit difficult. You've done things the way they are for a reason here, and so you may not agree with what I'm about to say. Which is fine, because at the end of the day this is your novel, not the reviewers :)

Firstly, it would be nice if you signified the transition between the scene and into Mandy's dream. It saves a lot of confusion there. It can be something as simple as a scene change which uses stars like this.

***

Or just you mentioning Mandy falls asleep and her dream begins. Italics - all different ways of doing it. I don't mind which, it just needs to be done.

Now comes the own opinion part. I understand that during the dream you wanted to demonstrate Mandy's confusion and fear. I mean, she's being put into her old memories as a new person and not wanting to be there. That does mean a lot of fear and confusion. And I know the lack of punctuation and repetitiveness was to emphasise this. But really after a whole the punctuation started to bother me and so on. Just, when you use a repeat, please do have a comma. Not did I did I, but did I, did I? It doesn't ruin the whole confusion thing, and it looks and reads better as well. It also just makes the whole thing neater and doesn't bug the reader too much. I don't mind lack of punctuation usually at all, I mean I read a whole book of misspelled words. It's just that here it seemed out of place to have such a lack with the repeat going on.

I would also just want a bit more detail in this dream. It's a significant one even if it just is a retelling of something that happened before. Remember, if the reader hasn't seen the first movie itself and is reading the fanfiction they still need to be able to catch the gist of it. And the fact that it's supposed to be familiar. Maybe in the dream Mandy has the feeling that she's done all this before and so on.

What I've been trying to say for a while (but distracted myself with other points and so on) is that the dream needs more detail. You say Mindy was cornered by Frank and then jumps over a wall and then is behind him. Ah! This is the perfect moment to show how Mindy climbs the wall with her agile body and does a full flip before landing on her feet. And Mandy could be panicking because she's not supposed to be doing fitness, she's not supposed to put herself in danger and she knows she can't physically do it. Let alone just continue the battle. Also describing it in more detail with give it more elegance and just up the whole ante some more.

I understand why you made the sentences long and dwindling in the dream. "But I wasn't supposed to be acting violent but I couldn't stop and the gun was frightening me," etc, etc. Just don't overdo it too much. These sentences are alright every now and again, but not too long.

Looking forwards to future chapters!

Deanie x





The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
— Marcel Proust