Young Writers Society

Aw, Sparkie,

I love this poem. Insane.

So, here's what to love:

FORM!<3

The juxtaposition of this delineated form and the consistency of your images. So every stanza sort of jumps around to a new scene, a new idea, an emotion and yet, the jumping around works, because we are being anchored/rooted to this image of a flowers, and to the voice of your speaker. It brings each scene a familiarity and yet a new perspective. It keeps ideas fresh and interesting, while still making sense and bringing us back to the main idea. Btw -- your speaker here becomes a character. An interesting one -- I am left wanting to connect/know about her.

The bruises that flower across her skin,

flower is a verb here -- I love that technique. It's the small things, y'know?

Your CONTENT/IDEAS:

She was always fascinated by flowers after the rain.

The thing that makes this interesting here is the word "was" which sets the tone, I think. What makes it interesting is that it's a hint of foreshadowing as well and makes the poem itself cyclical. It gives me a hint like-- she is no longer fascinated - or she used to be fascinated -- and foreshadows either disillusionment or death. A soft image (flowers, rain) but a dark undertone ("was" brings about a question/conflict -- why is she no longer fascinated...or a different interpretation, why is she fascinated...?). The tension between keeps us wondering and reading to the next lines.

She never said why her favorite flower was a dandelion.

ooooo, Flower as a weed here. Nice tie also to the theme of wish fulfillment/fantasy. It really does add a bitterness, darkness so the next image of coffee kind of strengthens and evokes that emotion further. A real nice blend of ideas (as images) here.

The flowers she's picked have wilted their slow way to death.
And her skin falls off in flakes and becomes the petals for new flowers.

The cyclical death/regrowth/circle of life & nature. The ending of new flowers still gives a sense of hope.

IMPROVEMENT/POLISHING.

Reading through the past reviews, and sort of after reading it myself - the biggest problem that crops up is whether the idea is clear enough, right? Like, you write a poem. Check! And you want readers to interpret and bring their own experiences into it, like you don't just want to tell them everything. Check!

But you also want for them to get an underlying idea (whether it's of depression, or of wanting to be reborn as flowers) and you want this idea to be clear to them. You don't want anyone to say "uhh I think it's about this? Not sure?" you want for them to definitely get *something* but how can you clearly communicate this on the page without telling? You know what *you* mean when you put the words down on the page and it seems perfectly clear to you, but what about your readers?

This is my struggle too, and it will forever be the writer's struggle, and I *think* I've figured out why this split in communication occurs-- and it all has to do with (surprise) CLARITY. It's not that the idea isn't there -- because it is! And it's not that you'll need to "tell" your readers anything (because you don't) -- it simply has to do with polishing your diction/cutting back redundancies so that every (singular) word is the most clear, & best word you want to use. This is what gives a poem it's strength (as opposed to vagueness/unclarity)

Think of when you drink a cup of tea and there's just the right ratio of tea/water -- it's delicious! But if there's TOO much water, then you barely taste the tea, you can't really tell what flavor it is :/ So if you want more flavor, you need to drain that water, because water is what is diluting the poem of its strength. Drain the water, keep the beans You'll want your coffee (or tea?) black. Strong.

Here's a clear-cut example of what I mean:

and walk away without taking them to hold.

"taking them to hold" is 1) passive, and 2) wordy
It makes an interesting turn of phrase that lends character, but loses clarity - In poetry it becomes distracting. I would suggest removing the line completely, or leaving it: "and walk away" or "and walk away without them"

Other examples: infant's room can be condensed to nursery, no?

They're clean, she thinks, and whole;not dying yet.
And though she knows if she picks them, they'll wither from her cold breath,

"wither" in your next line alludes to death. Clean and whole -- why not just say pure?

^ Just like this. Go through your poem with your scissors and try to remove any and all redundancies. Keep as much of it as you can by taking things away

Hope this helps,
Audy

So, you seem to prefer vague and lyrical style in your poetry as opposed to any form of overtness. That's good, that's fine. It gives this a surreal, beautifully disconnected feel to it.

However, it might be a bit too disconnected.

This here:

The bruises that flower across her skin,
they are angry burns that fade all too quickly,
and then she replaces them.

And this here:

She cannot hold still anymore; she paces the bathroom floor,
resisting the urge to cough up her secrets so she doesn't have to hold them anymore.

Seem to be the crux of the poems meaning. But I can't but feel that I've missed something. I don't know what's happening to her. And maybe that was your intention. Maybe you want this left to interpretation. That's fine too. I just can't help but feel that this would be stronger if you were a tad bit more specific.

(The image that I got from reading this is that it's about a girl dying of depression. I don't know if that's right though.)

"Flowers" and "morning" seem to be the key images you've chosen to use here. And that creates a wonderful, strange juxtaposition with the subject of the poem.

This was fantastic. I don't know what it was about but it was fantastic nonetheless.
~ED