how do you like your blue-eyed boy, mister death

Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

For Luke.

i. giraffe breath

the growing boy is given two stuffed toys:
this is important because two is his age
and toys are what he should need, not G-Tubes nor
CPAP machines; yet when he plays with the giraffe,
because the elephant was just so basic,
a giraffe's mouth straps to his mouth--
and at age two he has his first kiss,
crying as he's forced to breathe alien breath.

-Lumi

---------

that morning-- dark broiling waves on the ocean, the ramones blaring,
fists pounding the dashboard, driving too fast, lips talking too fast, everything
unfair split into pieces and scattered on the hospital room floor.
when i left and came back you were still crying.

that morning-- quiet rain hanging on trees, misty mountain top lullaby
tears against collarbones and the begging for you to stay, the pleading
you're so tired, i can tell and i let your breath go for just a second--
let you stop for just one second.
no, start breathing again,
my panic pumping poison into your lungs in time with the machine.

that morning-- angry thunder and even angrier lightning, nothing but silence
every alternative universe in my hands--
i still feel my heart shatter when i look at you.
do you know who's making your lungs move? is it you?
is it god?
is it someone else?
i've got so many questions but when i open my mouth nothing comes out.

that morning-- panicked tornadoes, panicked hurricanes, everything in my head
screaming, the sound of beeping
you cried because the machines woke you up.
i kissed you and told you stories about princesses braver than me.
they can handle it when their prince goes to rescue someone else.
i'm sorry, stories about robots and dragons are better than soppy love stories.

that morning-- bright skies, not a cloud, piano music on the radio
hand in hand and soft lips against cheeks, you're sleeping and i watch you.
all i can think about is breathing.

that morning-- blank everything. a slate washed clean. someone sings down in the valley
i tell you i love you one more time.
you can't answer. i'm not allowed to cry so i just look at you.

Comments

Points: 431
Reviews: 305

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Fri May 26, 2017 12:30 pm

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speakerskat wrote a review...

Before reading it: alright alright what's all the hoopla about this time.

Mmm okay. This hurt a lot but that's good that's wonderful. I can feel what you feel as a writer through your words, they guided me along and pushed me through the pain that was woven into this piece and the love. Mostly the love. Let me get a little personal, right now there's someone I care bout in a medial coma in the hospital and this made me think about him. Honestly, I think one of the most redeeming qualities of this poem is the way you structured this poem. I adored the introduction to the little boy and his relationship with the giraffe in the beginning and how it was structured differently from the tragic poem after it. I don't really feel like it's my place to give you a real review on this because his level of poetry is still so far above me and it's such an emotional poem but I just wanted you to know that this truly deserves all the praise it's gotten and it couldn't have been more touching. Also your mastery of syntax is awesome, it's not structured like any typical poem yet it wasn't choppy or distracting. Smooth as butter.

There's so much I want to say about this yet I seem to be running in circles, I can't find the words to describe why I love this or how it made me feel just know I've seen a lot of work and this is one of the best.

Points: 89625
Reviews: 1272

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Mon May 22, 2017 6:36 pm

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Rosendorn wrote a review...

Hey love <3

You never understand how you can write so much about love and death until you feel it, then no words are ever enough and you write and write and write to try and stop something but the more you let it out the more inadequate it seems.

If I had a nitpick it would be I can't tell if the weather is meant to be outside or in your mind, but in a sense that blurred confusion is what allows the metaphor to work because the worse the weather gets the farther away he is.

If I had another it would be the title, how disconnected it feels— but you've always had titles that don't quite fit, but also fit too well. I was expecting a little something else so it took some time to get into the work but at the same time I'm not sure I would have it any other way.

This is unmistakably your poetry, distilled down and I am reminded of a line, you find out what a person's mother tongue is when you break their bones. It hurts and tugs and there is too much but not enough all at once.

I'm so sorry, love.

~Rosey

LadySpark says...

I love you. I adore you. <3 Thank you.

Points: 450
Reviews: 2

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Mon May 22, 2017 12:30 am

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SpaceGhost wrote a review...

Hello there, LadySpark! Space Ghost here for a review, so without further ado, let's delve right into your work.

The Beginning

I understand that this is dedicated to someone, presumably someone who's passed away or in bad condition since the writing of this poem, so I will try to tread lightly. The poem from Lumi sets the tone in a way, yet at the same time, there's a shift in tone between Lumi's poem and your own due to both structures being so distinct. Your work takes roots in repetition at the beginning of each stanza and tends to be more long-winded. What confused me in a way is if you intend the poem quoted to be apart of your own writing, or simply an inspiration. Clarity on that would be appreciated.

Nonetheless, the emotion conveyed in the first stanza is strong, though I found some of the lines in need of rewording. Because of the rushed tone that you attempt to create, the flow snaps at the reader from detail to detail. For example, I'm in the belief that you can remove 'lips' from the second line and reword the third line entirely for a better flow.

The Structure

I'm conflicted on how effective the structure ends up being in building the imagery. There's a sense of snappiness to the poem. A sense of anxiety that, while I believe strengthens the atmosphere and tone, does not help the imagery or visual symbolism here. The punctuation can be seen as a moot point, but I see the general consensus being that it needs smoothing out. I'll go ahead and offer a couple of examples to show what I mean and to further the bridge of understanding between us of what I believe needs fixing.

i've got so many questions but when i open my mouth nothing comes out.

A comma after 'questions' would be appropriate here. I suggest playing around with the punctuation for impact. You could even add that comma, put a question mark after 'mouth' if you wanted it to be phrased as more of a question or inquiry.

i kissed you and told you stories about princesses braver than me.
they can handle it when their prince goes to rescue someone else.
i'm sorry, stories about robots and dragons are better than soppy love stories.

And even here, the lines end a little abruptly. A comb through to fix the flow and to make it more steady would be helpful, I've found. It's not that I dislike the actual content of these lines, rather I dislike the execution of their phrasing.

The Imagery

There are so many different descriptions of what that morning turned out to be like, yet I have trouble finding coherency throughout the poem. I'm supposing that these are different mornings altogether, since in one stanza we go from quiet rain to a storm to cloudless skies. I wanted to ask, is there any symbolism behind the weather in this poem?

You start out almost every stanza with a description of it, and that's why I'm primarily wondering that. What I did find strong about your poem is the transitioning of the light narrative here. I would prefer to see some clarity in regards to if these are different mornings that follow each other up in chronological order, or if it's some other symbolism that I'm not understanding.

Overall

There's a story that progresses through the images and other poetic devices that you use with. Not only is this poem related to morning, it's also related to mourning, and that's where the piece is at its strongest. Revision with a focus on making more clarity and coherency for the reader could most definitely enhance the poem, though it's your choice on how you want to edit, if you want to.

Experiment with the structure and remove unnecessary lines, and work on the ending. While the last two lines are strong, reworking of the first in the last stanza would be beneficial, since it's confusing who is singing down in the valley. We also switch from past tense to present tense with 'i tell you i love you one more time', so that's also something to consider changing, and for that, 'i told' would be a simple but strong fix.

I've done my duty in reviewing for now, so I do hope that I helped you. I, Space Ghost, salute you, and offer free response and conversation to my critique of your work. I hope that I have have helped you, and that you have a wonderful day!

LadySpark says...

yes, it's about my five year old nephew. he died three months ago from cancer. as for lumi's poem at the beginning, it's more of springboard into what my poem is trying to say. it's not strictly inspiration, but it's also not meant to lead directly into the poem, if that makes sense. it's like the prequel to an entirely different book, that still relates.

it's actually kind of about the same morning? if that makes sense? you know how there are so many different ways a day can go, and it's our decisions and environment that makes it go one way vs another? this is kind of a play on how one pivotal morning can go a million different ways depending on our decisions and surroundings. the weather, the actions, it's all a play on how that day could have been different in so many ways. the last stanza is in present tense because that's the one that actually happens. maybe it's not spelled out for you per-say, but that's the direction i was going in.

as for the phrasing in the 'i have so many quesitons' line, it's supposed to feel rushed and harried. i think that punctuation would take away from that feeling of words just spilling out of someone's mouth without being able to stop them. the second stanza you quoted, however, i agree with your critque. i honestly dislike those lines a lot, they're probably my least favorite, and i am currently workshopping them in an attempt to find something better to put there, but i appreciate your thoughts nonetheless.
building off of what you said about structure, it feels cluttered to me. and idk if it's just the publishing center doing it (because it doesn't feel cluttered in my gdoc) or if that's a result of the punctuation things you were talking about, but that's definitely something i'm looking at.

thanks ever so much for this incredible review!
-sizzle

SpaceGhost says...

I can definitely understand the poem better after your explanation. Thanks for the lengthy reply! I'm glad the review helped you.

Young Writers Society

how do you like your blue-eyed boy, mister death

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