i am my own worst enemy (our own worst enemy)

Spending the last twelve years recovering from an eating disorder has been one of the hardest challenges of my life. Unlearning the maladaptive mechanisms I used to view the world requires daily reflection on why I do the things I do or think the things I think. For so long, I treated my ED has a secret, special friend I had closeted away in my head. My ED kept me company, she was a living, breathing being inside of me that controlled my choices, thoughts, desires. Hell, for awhile I thought of my ED has a person, thinking of them as "Ana" at the very bottom, deepest pit.

It took a lot of love to learn that I was killing myself and that there wasn't really anything to blame except genetics, my experiences and the way I processed them and... myself. The only person in my head was me. The only person who could remove "Ana" from my brain was... me.

In December, I had the biggest relapse since I began active recovery two years ago. I always knew there was a chance of this— an ED is for life, after all! And yet, I was not in anyway prepared for how isolating, overwhelming and... familiar the experience would be.

"Ana" came home to behind my eyelashes and it was like she had never left. I wanted to be consumed by the control I imagined I had when I was starving myself again. I wanted to slip into the patterns of being a sick individual who's best friend was their ED again.

Luckily, this time I have the support and love of people around me who know what my signs are and what I need when I'm in a relapse. Like I said, this has happened before— just never on this scale. Going multiple days without eating and seeing a big drop in my weight filled me with such a strange cognitive dissonance. I wanted it, but I hated it. I was so happy to have "control" again, but wanted to let go so badly. So, I was able to mitigate the damage by relying on my support system and focusing on taking care of myself.

Yet, the feelings are still there. The thoughts never go away. The casual, suicidal tendencies that people with EDs have is always lurking below the surface. The desire to want to die, slowly, is always sitting in my heart waiting to pounce when I am vulnerable or unsafe. So, I used this poem as an opportunity to reflect on the relationship I have with my eating disorder, what that might look like if I didn't have the support I do, and to release some of the pent up missing/hating/wanting/despising that comes with having a behaviorally based mental illness.

Hey there, Alice here for the review!

MY THOUGHTS

I stumbled upon it here! At first very scared to leave a review, cause you are a far better poet, and this was a piece close to you I guess but believe me I just felt so many things and I loved the raw emotions and edginess of this poem and your comment just made it all make more sense. So just here to say my thoughts. I never had experienced anything similar so I can't exactly know, but your poem conveyed it like poetry does.

1st paragraph~ I loved the spidery theme of this para, especially the last line. It feels so edgy and yet conveys it beautifully "the mess" inside the head like a cobweb.
2nd paragraph~ ooh "there is a new shell for me to wake up in" love it!
3rd paragraph~ I don't understand maybe the exact metaphor you used but I take this para as the skeleton being your raw or past self, 'Ana' is what you called it, and it has crawled out from the deep inside clawing you and sometimes you want it to take over you, you like it. Ah that's hella creepy and raw I like it!

All the paragraphs have a subtlety in their tone but the word choice is so edgy and clean. And I see how you kept it open-ended like it reflected your experience with something but it was never clear what so that the reader can take their own accounts and experiences through reading the poem.

STRUCTURE AND FORM

The structure just works fine! There was no pattern in the number of lines and the choice of using 'i' instead of 'I' somehow makes it feel more raw and chaotic rather than structured. I like structured poetry with a single idea coming across but I do love to read some of these here and there, it feels very raw and original. (I know I have used the word "raw" quite a few times but really it was "RAW AND POWERFUL"

SUGGESTIONS

I never swallowed anything but somehow I'm full of someone else's poison.

wow that was a wild ride

ngl my money is on u

but this is a great poem! don't have enough energy to muster a review, but i had to leave a comment

Your poem defnitely comes from a deep place within yourself, but you conquered it, brought it back to the surface and sublimed it- and for this, I must congratulate you.

I see the power in the sentences you create, one after the other. The most significant one "locked inside my skull with each thought trapped in a gnarled, sticky, clouded web". Not only for the image that is really significant, but also your choice of sounds - every words rattling with the K ,T sounds (I'm sorry linguists) - shows the master of your craft.

Now, I think my critic is going to a bit the same as before. You are really good at creating images that show your feelings - because I felt them - but I felt them more after reading your comment. I feel like what you need is keep a more steady use of images, a line that can maybe help assert your images better. There is a chaotic feel to it that may be deliberate, and maybe I prefer when things are orderly, but perhaps a more controlled use of your images will be much more effective.

I will wait for the other ones, I love your style and I am eager to see what else you can come up with.

On another note, love to you and you are a strong human being <3