i've got my heart tangled up in country songs
[baby i promise when i'm alive again i'll paint you a brand new sky]
and my feet are raw from walking between rotted railroad tracks
[the early morning sun makes my tin heart hot to the touch-- be careful sweetheart, or i might burn you]
i keep searching for reasons why you gave me your soul-- why you said you trusted me
[but all i hear is a radio buzzing and the sound of a screen door slamming]
you told me you gave it to me for safe keeping-- they tell me the wolves are coming
[your heart is precious-- i'm sorry i forgot to buckle it in when i hit that car]
i tucked your heart behind my ribs and ran for the hills as fast i could
[i didn't run fast enough and you caught up with me, demanded i return you with a receipt]
i can't do anything right. you see, darlin', i just wanna fall apart and never pick up the pieces
[you tell me, face tear stained-- "no one will ever love you enough to find you again"]
i walked across the country looking for you, lost myself in every field i came across--
[i'm not sure where home is]
your eyes no longer look like fireflies to guide me back.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey Princess,
Laying down a review here cause Review Day and also Team Tortoise. It's been a while since I've looked at a poem of yours to review rather than to just experience and I hope it's not been so long that my comments will be surprising or disappointing to you!
I'm going to ignore the critique sandwich and be a bit crushing to begin with. I'm not really into this poem. The back and forth between the lines and the brackets is jarring and hugely distracting. I think most of that can be fixed if you look at it as a formatting issue, if the lines were less clustered together - perhaps indented differently? then I think it wouldn't annoy me so much. Right now I just find it very distracting. Right now I feel like they don't hold too much purpose either. I know the for the the reflection of thought and mood they work as song lyrics interconnected.
This feels stilted to me, and a little bit empty. I know it's not meant to and there's lots behind it probably but it's not coming through for me at all. It's all sentences and you take too long to say things? I don't mean that the poem is too long or that meandering sentences don't have their place in poetry but I think lines like "your eyes no longer look like fireflies to guide me back" are just so long they stop being interesting part way through. It is very possible that I just don't get on with this poem, that it just doesn't connect to me. But I think you should consider how this is said out loud and how slow and long each line feels, and how the brackets disconnect from the narrative of your story rather than add to it.
I fell asleep in the middle of your review, which is why I didn't post it for review day. Whoops.
- <3
I love it. Your poem painted a picture in my head, and I really enjoyed reading this. Hopefully you'll come up with more like this in the future, because if you do, I will be reading it. I don't understand why there are brackets in your poem, but it honestly didn't bother me much because spelling isn't important next to other things, such as imagery and you have plenty of that. All in all, a beautiful little poem. Thank you for sharing it with us! ^__^
Hello!
I do wish this had a better layout, especially for a poem.
PLEASE capitalize!!!
i've got my heart tangled up in country songs
I've*
[baby i promise when i'm alive again i'll paint you a brand new sky]
I* I'm* I'll*
and my feet are raw from walking between rotted railroad tracks
And* rail-road* period at the end.
[the early morning sun makes my tin heart hot to the touch-- be careful sweetheart, or i might burn you]
I*
You get the point. Just work on punctuation and capitalization.
Overall, it is kind of cheezy, but It's a good story.
~Waffle
punctuation/capitalization is not necessary in poetry. Capitalization in Poetry
It is a creative device and as poetry is very creative, we as poets have a bit of leadway when it comes to our writing. Check out some ee cummings because he never capitalizes and uses weird punctuation and is one of the best poets of all time.
I'm not sure where you're getting cheesy. It's about getting lost??? and losing the person you love??? and not being able to find yourself??
Thank you for the link, that was very helpful.
It is fine that you don't want to capitalize and etc..., but I always like to because I feel it is easier to read that way because I'm just the grammar police.
I Found it cheesy just because I did, and I never said it was a bad thing. Often cheesy is good, as long as it isn't "Friendship is magic" and stuff like that.
Thanks!
~Waffle
This is ridiculously beautiful... x.x
you are ridiculously beautiful <3
I AM IN NO WAY A PROFESSIONAL IN THE FIELD OF POETRY SO FEEL FREE TO DISREGARD MY OPINION. Well yes that was interesting. Obviously free verse which to an extent gives the right for disorder but I feel like the poems theme (based on the words) did not mach the chaos created by its free verse(I could easily be missing something) The parts in brackets ,while important, feel like they go a long way to remove coherency in the poem ...at least when reading... I do feel it might be better if the brackets where maybe replaced with spaces ...still this is only a fools opinion
Please do not take any of what I said to serious... I am merely a zombie enslaved by the voices in my head...(I always say that) Just take away from my review that you can write and should definitively create more
Hope none of this was upsetting.