Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General


i loved you four hundred and seventy days

by LadySpark


i.
four hundred and seventy days ago you drew too many lines across your hand. so i held onto your fingers, kissed the scars, and made you swear you'd never do it again. you told me you never believed in love but you thought you might be in deep like with me, and i said that was okay with me, i didn't want a girlfriend anyway.

ii.
if i could have looked through the warped glass into the future, i would have begged you for more frosted mornings when you let me kiss your hair, but instead i let you light us on fire, quick to start and faster to die.

iii.
four hundred days ago you let my fingers slip away, and i felt your heart beat too fast, and you didn't understand why--you were only lying there. you pushed me out the door and all my dignity followed me down the stairs, i couldn't even pluck up the courage to return to your door and say sorry.

iv.
three hundred days ago you left a message on my answering machine, and i listened to it till my ears bled. but i had moved on, so i didn't call you back-- besides, you never believed in love anyway--and i figured every cloud has a silver lining, and black ones are lined with gold. i left to go read poetry on my own because moving on doesn't mean forgetting and i'm full of nostalgic words i'll never say.

v.
you always said five was your least favorite number, and i never understood why, i mean, wasn't five one of the most powerful numbers out there? and you told me no, infinity was the most powerful, and you pressed your hand against my lips and told me to kiss the scars, so i did, and i dropped the question-- even when i saw the five perfect lines against your wrist.

vi.
four days ago you called again, and this time i didn't even consider picking up-- new town, new job, new me. no more soggy newspaper stories to follow me when it comes to you. and i didn't listen to the message again, just deleted it and spoke through a mouth that finally admitted i loved you once, but didn't any longer.

vii.
three days ago your mom called me, and this time i picked up--because why else would she call the boy that never was besides to tell me that you were dead? and before she said anything the lights went out and all i could see were the stars, and i finally understood why infinity was so powerful, because i could hear an infinite amount of screams in my head, and i think they were all mine.

ix.
i stood by your casket today, and i watched the people pass in huge collections, saying things and crying. and you should be proud, not one tear escaped me. they told me you died because you never ate and let yourself wither away--but i don't understand, you were always so beautiful. they said your hair fell out and you bit your lips off, let them bleed into the floor. but i can't imagine you as anything but late night cups of coffee and morning sunrises. you never ate breakfast then but i never noticed because i was too busy smelling your hair.

x.
i guess i learned to sing somewhere along the way. when we sang your favorite song at the graveside, i found myself keeping harmony with the memory of you-- and you were there and your scars were in my hand. count them, one two three four five.

xi.
i only drink cold coffee now, but i think i might try scalding hot, to see if they fill my stomach with enough fire to wake up. i've been walking in frosted dreams and you haunt them-- and i don't know whether that's good or bad. i'm going to say goodnight now, i think--mornings come early. and you come earliest, and i can't stomach one more night of counting to five on my fingers and trying to understand the concept of infinity.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
113 Reviews


Points: 181
Reviews: 113

Donate
Thu Feb 15, 2018 8:34 pm
Bellarke says...



The fallowing sentences are hard to read.

one.)you told me you never believed in love but you thought you might be in deep like with me, and i said that was okay with me, i didn't want a girlfriend anyway.
2.)four hundred days ago you let my fingers slip away, and i felt your heart beat too fast, and you didn't understand why--you were only lying there. you pushed me out the door and all my dignity followed me down the stairs, i couldn't even pluck up the courage to return to your door and say sorry.
3.) i left to go read poetry on my own because moving on doesn't mean forgetting and i'm full of nostalgic words i'll never say.
4.)v.
you always said five was your least favorite number, and i never understood why, i mean, wasn't five one of the most powerful numbers out there?
5.)
they told me you died because you never ate and let yourself wither away--but i don't understand, you were always so beautiful.

There are a bunch others, but these are some!! ~liz




User avatar
34 Reviews


Points: 48
Reviews: 34

Donate
Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:14 am
Chitz says...



Great work.




User avatar
62 Reviews


Points: 2003
Reviews: 62

Donate
Sat Jan 06, 2018 9:19 am
Poopsie says...



feel like i've been here before

god call it deja vu or something




User avatar
142 Reviews


Points: 331
Reviews: 142

Donate
Fri Jan 05, 2018 6:28 pm
Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

This was very emotional for me. It almost made me cry. I have nothing negative to really say. You were able to display the emotion and it hit really home to me. The things you say and the narrator says and starts to realize at the end really displays that the past has 20/20 vision.

It doesn't really matter if you see the narrator as a male or a female (although you slightly mentioned that this is a male since you said "why else would she call the boy that never was"). It really could work either as a male or a female if it wasn't for that line, but I also believe that this line has a lot of power itself.

I usually dislike this kind of formatting for a poem, but with how you wrote this, the formatting worked very well. Good job convincing a stubborn person that the formatting doesn't have to be by line always.

That's all I got for you. Legacy out.




User avatar
319 Reviews


Points: 9100
Reviews: 319

Donate
Fri Jan 05, 2018 2:39 pm
Jashael says...



*tearing up*
*clap clap*




User avatar
11 Reviews


Points: 318
Reviews: 11

Donate
Mon Sep 01, 2014 1:33 pm
View Likes
theRightShoe says...



I... I think i will have to go now to have a bar of dark chocolate and to try to regain control over my blown mind! That.. was something! Not sure what really but it was... something! And i mean that in the most flattering way possible eventhough it seems not!

Hallelujah... I am rendered speechless! :O




User avatar
745 Reviews


Points: 1626
Reviews: 745

Donate
Sat Aug 30, 2014 10:14 pm
View Likes
Lumi says...



phpBB [media]




LadySpark says...


dude this is weird



Lumi says...


u rite purty



LadySpark says...


u r purty



User avatar
1007 Reviews


Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate
Sat Aug 30, 2014 9:28 pm
TimmyJake says...



50th like. I feel special. :D

Beautiful piece. <3




Random avatar

Points: 1184
Reviews: 22

Donate
Sat Aug 30, 2014 4:13 pm
View Likes
Fatima says...



You, are a genius.

Mind blown. Perfect.




User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 59
Reviews: 42

Donate
Sat Aug 30, 2014 12:28 pm
EPICnumber1 says...



Just... great. Loved it. Such talent yet so simple. AMAZING!!!! The only corrections that need to be made are the ones tat everyone has already said. Keep writing...

-EPICnumber1




User avatar
62 Reviews


Points: 2003
Reviews: 62

Donate
Fri Aug 29, 2014 6:56 pm
Poopsie says...



39 likes and this isnt in the spotlight? oO

great.....poem/short story by the way




Thewriter13 says...


This was from April



User avatar
26 Reviews


Points: 2426
Reviews: 26

Donate
Fri Aug 29, 2014 6:45 pm
View Likes
jakobwrites wrote a review...



This was probably the best poem I've ever read on this website, or any other website. You have such talent! The words and paragraphs flow together and, honestly, I felt like I was there. The emotions and the memories and the descriptions in this are accurate and romantic and heart-wrenching at the same time. Breathtaking work. The only corrections I would have would be things people already mentioned, and reading and writing are totally different worlds. When you have certain words or phrases in your head that are lovely in theory, nobody else's opinions matter. I know how that is. This is a great piece, whether or not all of the words were the best academically.




User avatar
26 Reviews


Points: 2426
Reviews: 26

Donate
Fri Aug 29, 2014 6:44 pm
jakobwrites says...






User avatar
305 Reviews


Points: 831
Reviews: 305

Donate
Fri Apr 25, 2014 12:59 am
speakerskat wrote a review...



I write reviews for everything. So this is a review. But, I can't write a review for this I just can't. The emotion, the reality of it all....I don't like the number five anymore. Whether this was real or not I felt the raw emotion here like it was real....it's so sad but it just makes me feel empty and I love it for that ...




User avatar
159 Reviews


Points: 2117
Reviews: 159

Donate
Thu Apr 24, 2014 1:59 pm
View Likes
Skydreamer says...



I just... don't know...

amazing.




User avatar
60 Reviews


Points: 345
Reviews: 60

Donate
Thu Apr 24, 2014 10:01 am
View Likes
StealTheWorld says...



Oh my word, this was jaw-dropping, heart-tugging, breath-stealingly sensational. There's not much else to say, darling.




User avatar
13 Reviews


Points: 736
Reviews: 13

Donate
Thu Apr 24, 2014 4:06 am
View Likes
dreamingofwonderland wrote a review...



Wow... This is incredible!

There was one thing I noticed, but it's not a huge deal.

The part: "because why else would she call the boy that never was besides to tell me that you were dead?"
seems a little awkward. Maybe use except instead of besides?

I love, love the ending. It is a perfect way to wrap up the poem and it gives me chills!

Hope I helped, even a little bit!
~Alice




User avatar
187 Reviews


Points: 13001
Reviews: 187

Donate
Wed Apr 23, 2014 6:50 pm
View Likes
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Wow. This is amazing! No kidding. I loved it. One question I have though is this: What are the small letter Roman numerals for? As a reader, I wanted to know more, but as a writer/reviewer, I realized how great this piece really is! Your imagery is so beautiful. I can see things in my mind, even though I know nothing of appearance and such. You were descriptive, but not wordy. That's a GREAT thing for an author. Let's see if I can find anything that needs reviewed...nope! It's just so... Wonderful. Of course, the reader in me wants to know more. Their names, appearances, ages, what happened, and what the scars are from. But I know that's not important. Great job, and keep writing!




User avatar
329 Reviews


Points: 99
Reviews: 329

Donate
Wed Apr 23, 2014 4:39 pm
View Likes
retrodisco666 wrote a review...



Hello dear sparks, Retro here for a review.

This was absolutely breath taking, i'll talk through a few bits first though and then get back to what I loved :)

'you told me you never believed in love but you thought you might be in deep like with me'

This might just be me but the second part of this sentence, from but, just feels awkwardly worded. I feel as though there are two many words, so i'd possibly consider having a reword :)

' i listened to it till my ears bled'

Just because it is a literary text i'd used until instead of till.

Okay, I have no more less than positive comments. Onto what I loved....well all of it. I think the fact we don't know everything is sublime. Your writing style is beautifully crafted. You imagery is superb. The fact that the gender of the person is never stated it opens itself up to so many interpretations. You imagery contrasting between fire and ice is genius. I have a thing about endings as well so I shall talk about yours :)

' i can't stomach one more night of counting to five on my fingers and trying to understand the concept of infinity'

For me, the end of the poem should be the crux which brings it all together and leaves the reader satisfied, like after a good meal. This is perfect. You summarise it in such a way that it gives goosebumps. It feels so professsionally done, and it really made me think.

Thank you for posting this,
I adored it.

LIKED
~retro





We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer