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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Descent Chapter 7: A Bitter Taste Part 2

by D4RKR4VEN


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Full Novel Synopsis: Sequel to 'The Spiralling', itself a sequel to the Kick-Ass (2010) movie. However, this novel can be read on its own. After Big Daddy died, Mindy was driven mad, subdued by Dave, and locked away in an Institute after killing all who she deemed responsible but Dave. Will she recover? What will happen next to a New York without her nor the Motherfucker? Elements of the Kick-Ass 2 (2013) movie and comic series will be taken in.

The Descent

Chapter 7: A Bitter Taste Part 2

Later…

The house was deathly silent when we got back from our shopping trip. Dad was supposed to be there, but I couldn’t hear anything from the sidewalk. Opening the boot of the cab, I helped Mindy with her shopping bags. Clothes, not to mention I bought for her this huge teddy bear named ‘Big Teddy’ who was almost her size but wider and it was black with a yellow ribbon around its neck. Out of the many toys available at Toys R’ Us, she’d picked this particular teddy bear. It looked familiar somehow. She insisted on carrying Big Teddy on her own, so I was stuck with her shopping bags.

I struggled to open the front door with my keys while Mindy was similarly struggling up the stairs to the front door. When I finally got it open, I made way for her to enter first. The living room was suitably dark, just as it was all planned. “Be careful Mandy, you might hit someone.” I said as I locked the front door. It was all going according to plan…

“Who?” As expected, she asked confusingly as she squinted her eyes, almost seeing something over the shoulder of Big Teddy… which was when I switched on the lights, revealing what was ahead of her.

“Surprise!” A cacophony of voices shouted. Mindy let her Big Teddy slip and fall on its bum, a look of utter surprise and some shock on her face. A smile came on slowly soon after.

My best friends Todd and Marty was there, flanking my father. Pete, Mindy’s solitary friend in school, was flanking him the other way, standing beside Dr Paul, who arrived earlier than expected. The coffee table was stacked with presents packed in wrappers of varying shades of blue. A similarly coloured cake with 11 candles sat next to the presents, but the candles were small, their blades of flame peaceful and fragile – something most of us hope Mindy would be. Well, maybe not that fragile.

“Happy belated birthday, Mandy!” Dad shouted, his voice more reserved than anything. Everything went according to plan. There were streamers and balloons near the ceiling. The kitchen table was stocked with food and drinks. Soon, we were singing the birthday song to her, and watching her unwrapping her presents while everyone else was either egging her on or taking pictures. With the way Mindy lived back in the day when she was Hit-Girl, this would not have been possible – Mindy had never been to school until after Marcus took responsibility of her, and Big Daddy didn’t look like the next door neighbour type. No matter how much I wished Mindy had her identity intact without her Dark Phoenix half lurking somewhere in her mind, I was glad she got to enjoy the traditional birthday party.

Todd and Marty were able to pool together some dough – they’d bought her a few collections of the latest pop songs. Justin Bieber, Lady GaGa, Union J, Rihanna, you name it. Pete got her a toy car despite my instructions to get her something exclusively for girls, but it was fair enough. At least it wasn’t a model M16 or something. Dad bought her a necklace. Silver chains and a heart. Mindy loved it especially. She was absolutely ecstatic when dad helped her put it on. It was the same look as that time when she was taking down Rasul and his fellow drug dealers, the same ecstatic look when we first met…

“Here Mandy, you’ve more than earned your happiness, your bliss, sweet child.” Dr Paul said as he was handing his contribution to Mindy, a thin box wrapper in yellow. Mindy flashed a quick smile before unwrapping it meticulously, as she usually does. She didn’t like to tear the wrappers like many kids do. It could have been part of the doctor’s treatment. Opening the box and pulling out the carrier, she realised that it was a watch with a golden frame with yellow Spongebob Squarepants straps, “So you could tell the time, and be free from it.” I overheard him saying, though I’m unsure of what he meant by ‘it’ – was it time or her mental illnesses? When Mindy thanked him, he replied, “No, thank you, you can’t imagine how much you’ve helped me too.”

The doctor took up his cup of tea again. I waited for him to finish – my heart was pounding. I didn’t know what he was talking about – what did Mindy help him with? Now that I’ve become Kick-Ass again, my paranoia was stronger than ever. Can’t be helped. I pulled the doctor aside as soon as I was able, to express my concern, “Doc, what were you talking about back there?” Before he started explaining, he lead me back out to the porch again. I could sense that something was up.

“Mindy was – is an interesting case.” The doctor started, “She is a specimen like nothing I have ever seen before, a combination of accidents, circumstances, upbringing and intrinsic traits so astronomically rare that its effects were like nothing anyone has seen before. While I was treating her, I was chronicling my findings at the same time. I call it the ‘Demoness Complex’. Half the treatment package for it is under my name too. It might win me the Nobel prize.” I didn’t have a ready answer for that at the time. I was relieved at first, as I was worried he might be up to something… criminal, especially if it was related to the mob. Yet at the same time, what he did was a little too clandestine. Still, I’m putting it down to him just doing his job and me not watching him 24/7.

“Congratulations.” I said. It was all I could think of.

“Thank you, Dave.” He said appreciatively, though it was hard to tell as he was very formal, “Now, I’ve left more medicine in your cabinet. Expenses are still paid for by Aldan himself.” Dr Paul reminded me of the Grandmaster, that old man. Aldan Bonitus, the medieval arts schoolteacher and sword master who helped me subdue Mindy in her feral, insane Demoness Complex state. For almost a year now, we hadn’t stayed in contact. Now that I’m returning back on the street as Kick-Ass, I feel a sudden need to meet him again – who knows? He could still be out there in the streets, having decided to be a superhero himself. He certainly dressed, fought and acted like one, even if it was unintended. “And I noticed the kind of clothes you are allowing her to wear, Dave.” As she was unwrapping the presents, she was showing what I bought for her as well.

“Oh, that.” I remarked guiltily, I couldn’t help but to look elsewhere as a result, “It’s just one set, doctor.”

“Yes, it is. It’s a minor, minute thing. Just don’t graduate it into something bigger, such as, oh, say, letting her shoot a rifle in a gun range?” The doctor’s change in inflection was just as minute, but I understood just as much. He was a little cynical about my performance as Mindy’s adoptive brother. Actually, I was too, a little, myself, “Don’t compound it either. The effects of even negligible stimulants like these could be a problem if you introduce them too often.”

“Hey, alright, I got it.” My eyes were darting around a bit before I dare to look him in the eyes. I could tell that he wasn’t very impressed with me so far.

“This is serious, Dave. I’ve been observing her, and for now, Mindy is fine, in tip-top condition, but if that changes the next time I check, she might need another stay at Jameson. We can’t risk another massacre.” He continued, and I couldn’t help but to feel threatened and afraid for Mindy. A psychiatric hospital is no place for a kid, and Mindy had already spent a year inside. Another year would ruin her life, set her back too much. Then there was the experimental procedure the doctor developed – I doubt I could do this all over again if the doctor decides to hit the reset button in Mindy’s brain again. Already, I could feel myself splitting at the seams, manipulating and lying to Mindy all the time, even if it was all for a good cause. “Which is why I left some hypothermic needles and sedatives in the cabinet. If you suspect a relapse, I need you to inject her with it and call me down, do you understand?”

Everything Dr Paul said on the porch left a bitter taste in my mouth.


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Thu Mar 05, 2015 9:41 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello there!

This first little thing I'm pulling out is a small issue, but I've seen it before and it sure happened somewhere else in this chapter ~

Clothes, not to mention I bought for her this huge teddy bear named ‘Big Teddy’ who was almost her size but wider and it was black with a yellow ribbon around its neck.


This one I pulled out specifically because I see two things. First off, this sentences doesn't make sense, because it's not complete. Normally, I don't pay mind to sentence fragments, if I can understand what's being hinted at, but here it cuts off at clothes and more confuses me than anything. What about the clothes? Did you mean to say how they were in the shopping bag?

Also, Dr. Paul comes back here and really tells off Dave at the end about how he's slipped up already, with just allowing her to wear/have jeans and boots? And Dave's been so very cautious about this, but the bear's name is Big Teddy. Big Teddy. Doesn't he worry in the slightest that it might strike up more thoughts about Bid Daddy? The names are really, super similar.

Now that I think about it, how did the Dr. know about the wardrobe? Did he look in the bags? Because, last I recall, she was wearing a dress when they left and I don't think they would've changed so quickly, unless Mandy is really just that eager to wear pants. (And how is he supposed to avoid pants? Pants are literally everywhere, and Mandy would so know something's up if she was forbidden from wear them... unless I'm missing something completely).

While I was reading this, one particular thing that I saw was in the birthday scene, the word 'flanking' was used twice, and other than repetition, it bothered me because flanking always makes me think of running beside or pursuing someone, even just approaching menacingly. Might just be me though.

One final thing that I noticed (because I take notes, but then forget them xD) was about how Dave mentioned that he may have just been more paranoid because he was in Kick-Ass again... but how does that equate to Mandy? I didn't really understand that part, so perhaps try to expand on that more or just cut it out.

Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~




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Mon Oct 28, 2013 9:14 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there again :)

So I've decided I'll try and do a review a day until I catch up. I would love to do more, but homework often calls :)

It looks like Dave is getting threatened in a way and told off by Doctor Paul just for giving in to Mandy one time. I would see this time as perfect for a superhero reference, something to do with sacrifice maybe, or perhaps he will be looking down on Dr Paul as if to say who is he to threaten him? You've done a good job of slipping them in so far, but I could just tell that this was a moment where it would seem completely natural.

I am absolutely convinced that Dave has the best friends ever. They're so nice to Mandy, coming down like that and spending some of their cash on them. I think the whole birthday scene was great, just great. And Mandy still has bits and pieces resurfacing, but she is still after her girly stuff. Hmm....

Okay, being honest here I could tell that now something very interesting or big needs to happen now. I feel like the story could be bordering into the boring section again. Not entirely boring - that's a bit too harsh, but just not as attention catching as before. You've got to keep it up. Maybe something will happen next as Dave is in superhero mood so the reader will renew their interest again? If nothing happens in the next chapter like this, I strongly suggest you put it there.

Woot! One more chapter until I'm all caught up! (Albeit the chapters is in parts :P )

Deanie x




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Sun Oct 27, 2013 10:47 pm
yubbies21 wrote a review...



Hello.

As I said before, I'm not the greatest with reviewing novel chapters, so I will have trouble with this...Bear with me!

The last sentence is creative, and I love the description of the bitter taste you gave. Nicely done! I love it!

The scariness of it all is sad at the end, the thought of having to do that to Mindy.

A very scary and wonderful work of art!

Happy Review Day!

yubbies21




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Sun Oct 27, 2013 5:32 pm
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EloquentDragon wrote a review...



ED here to review.
First of all, I haven’t seen KA one or two, nor have I read the comics. So I have no presuppositions about what a character should act or talk like, etc. etc. That also means I won’t be able to comment on that.
Secondly, just wondering, why is this fanfiction? It seems like a lot of elements that you have in here could work in your own universe, and a lot of this is actually pretty good. It just seems like a waste to me to spend so much talent and effort on something you won’t be able to do anything with. But then I could be wrong. (SB and FF are great ways to personally improve, after all.) And I know that the SW *syndicated universe* will often accept works of fiction by original authors, it might be the same with KA, but I don’t know.
Anyway, now on to the review.

Dad was supposed to be there, but I couldn’t hear anything from the sidewalk.

What? Dad was on the side walk? Or the protagonist is on the sidewalk?
Clothes, not to mention I bought for her this huge teddy bear named ‘Big Teddy’ who was almost her size but wider and it was black with a yellow ribbon around its neck. Out of the many toys available at Toys R’ Us, she’d picked this particular teddy bear.

This probably needs to be rephrased. One sentence per individual thought please. Not to mention some of it is awkwardly phrased. Maybe try something more like: “Clothes, along with this huge teddy bear that I had bought her. It was almost her size, but much wider than she was. It was black with a yellow ribbon around its neck. Out of all the toys available at the store, she had picked this particular one.”
(Yeah, try not to mention the names of specific stores. It dates what you write and not everyone might know what a “Toys R Us” is.)
I made way for her to enter first. The living room was suitably dark, just as it was all planned.

This should be: “I stepped aside so she could enter first. The living room was suitably dark, just as planned.”
“Be careful Mandy, you might hit someone.”

Is it Mandy or Mindy?
“Who?” As expected, she asked confusingly

“Confusingly” doesn’t work here. It should probably be: “She asked, confused; as expected.”
My best friends Todd and Marty was there, flanking my father. Pete, Mindy’s solitary friend in school, was flanking him the other way, standing beside Dr Paul, who arrived earlier than expected.

“Todd and Mary, my two best friends, were there.” And please don’t tell us where everyone is standing. The “he flanked hims,” and “stood next tos” aren’t necessary or relevant, and they just sound really odd.
A similarly coloured cake with 11 candles sat next to the presents,

Just pointing out here, Kick Ass is definitely American. Thus you might want to follow American spelling rules. (Really, not that much of an issue, just FYI)
“Happy belated birthday, Mandy!” Dad shouted, his voice more reserved than anything.

‘Mandy’ again, and how can one shout and yet be reserved at the same time? Maybe you meant “his normally reserved voice strained when he shouted.”
Everything went according to plan.

This really only needs to be said once or twice. You keep bringing it up over and over again, which almost makes it seems like things WON’T go “according to plan.”
Marcus took responsibility of her, and Big Daddy didn’t look like the next door neighbour type.

Two minor things here: “Take responsibility for her” (Even if that might sound a bit wrong in intention) and “next-door neighbor type.” (Use a hyphen there)
No matter how much I wished Mindy had her identity intact without her Dark Phoenix half lurking somewhere in her mind, I was glad she got to enjoy the traditional birthday party.

This should be rephrased. Try, maybe:
“No matter how much I wanted Mindy to have had her identity left intact without her Dark Phoenix half lurking somewhere in her mind, I was glad that she was able to enjoy such a traditional, simple pleasure.”
Todd and Marty were able to pool together some dough

Watch your tenses, this should be: “Todd and Marty had been able to pool together,” or “Todd and Marty had pooled together.”
watch with a golden frame with yellow Spongebob Squarepants straps,

Uh, run-on sentence here. Too many “withs” with no commas. “…watch with a gold frame and Spongebob Squarepants straps.”
(Eliminate “golden,” since that’s incorrect, and “yellow” is redundant.)
he lead me back out to the porch again.

That’s “led” there, and make sure you have a period when abbreviating “Dr.”
“Mindy was – is an interesting case.” The doctor started… It might win me the Nobel prize.”

Now we have a case of run-on dialogue. Try to break this up a bit, as it makes it easier to read. (I mean, “he pauses” and “he continues” and little things like that interspersed with action.) Even if the Dr. does tend to be long-winded, chunks like this should only be used for comedic effect.
what he did was a little too clandestine.

Wrong word usage here. This doesn’t make much sense. (And just wondering here, does Dave really employ such an extended vocabulary in his everyday speech? It’s certainly unusual. Try to stay in character.)
Aldan Bonitus, the medieval arts schoolteacher and sword master who helped me subdue Mindy in her feral, insane Demoness Complex state.

This sentence doesn’t end right. Maybe split it up? “Aldan Bonitus. The medieval arts teacher and swordsman who had helped me subdue Mindy while she was in her insande Demoness Complex state. I remembered him.”
Now that I’m returning back on the street as Kick-Ass,

Too many words. “Now that I’m returning to the streets.”
He could still be out there in the streets,

Cut the repetitive “streets.”
He certainly dressed, fought and acted like one, even if it was unintended.

“Even if it was unintentional.”
[quote[“And I noticed the kind of clothes you are allowing her to wear, Dave.”[/quote]
“And I’ve noticed the kinds of clothes you allow her to wear, Dave.”
Just don’t graduate it into something bigger, such as, oh, say, letting her shoot a rifle in a gun range?

Uh… don’t sacrifice common sense in an attempt to sound intelligent. “Graduate” should not be used in that manner. And I’m wondering what is so threatening about “shooting a rifle in a gun range?” I know you guys have a lot of restrictions on guns over there, but here, as long as your on national land (not anywhere city) you can take your gun out for target practice. Being so specific here sounds odd to my ears. Just say “such as, oh… taking her out to shoot.” Or “rifle shooting” or something.
was just as minute,

Repetitive use of “minute” here, and “subtle” probably works better anyway.
but I understood just as much.

“His intention was clear.”
Actually, I was too, a little, myself,

Lose one of those interjectory modifiers. “I was too.” Or “I was a little concerned myself.”
and I couldn’t help but to feel threatened and afraid for Mindy

“I couldn’t help worrying about Mindy” or “I was afraid for Mindy.”
already spent a year inside.

Add “one” on the end there.
If you suspect a relapse, I need you to inject her with it and call me down, do you understand?”

This should probably be: “If you suspect a relapse, you need to give her the injection at once and call my immediately.”
So overall, this was really, really good. I really got into the characterization you have here, I love Dave’s voice. The only thing is that you tend to blend the way he speaks with the other characters. Make sure that each of them are unique and distinct in the way that they talk.

You’re piling on the stakes here, and that’s great. Your plot is evidently going somewhere. My only concerns would be those preliminary notes I gave, but otherwise this looks like it will turn out great.

~ED




D4RKR4VEN says...


Wow nice there's a lot of things. While I don't agree with some of them, that's plenty of good you did for me there. You've noticed things that I suspect the next 2 reviewers won't even see.





What didn't you agree with? The vocab choice?




Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman