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LAPIS :Chapter 2:

"Alright, let's get her to inspection."

I’m taken back as I feel the weight of the girl suddenly disappear from my grasp, turning to see that one of the other people in the room, a Jeweloid, has taken her away from me. I watch stunned as the light blue head hurries off with her in his arms, her dark blue hair trailing the floor behind them. She must have been trapped in there for at least a few hundred years for it to be this long, it's almost too much to believe. As he turns the corner to exit the room about fifty feet away, the last bit of her hair passes me, which sparks something strange. For some reason, I find myself a bit . . . irritated. Why, oddly enough, is because the man took her from me. I mean, I get why he did; well, somewhat. Yet, for some reason, I don't like that she was ripped away.

I instinctively begin to follow after him, though my forearm is caught, and I'm pulled over to the side. I look over to see Kasami, his eyes a bit wide still. "You can't go after them Jintez, the inspection process can only be done by Jeweloids," Kasami explains, "Only Jeweloids can stay conscious when being in the power shock."

"Power shock?" I repeat.

"Because of the fact that the Jeweloid is a new, her powers are unstable, and have not be contained. Therefore, any spike in her power levels could cause a shock wave like experience," Anyola explains, walking up to us looking rather unaffected by everything, "You experienced it before when you first walked into to the Jeweloid area of the facility."

"And when QUARTZ raised her power to shoot her bazooka," Kasami adds.

"Oh, ok. But, why would I pass out?"

"The shock is much greater when the Jeweloid is newly released. The impact would be about seven times stronger then QUARTZ's full power bazooka blast," Anyola says, "And today, she wasn't at full power."

I blink in shock. QUARTZ was strong, almost able to knock me off my feet, and she blew Cent down to the ground. So, this girl would definitely be able to take me down, and the idea of making me pass out . . . well, taking it into circumstance, it is a possibility. I rub my head, and take a deep sigh. "Well, that makes sense," I comment.

"Yes, now, follow me Jintez," Kasami says, beginning to walk towards the doorway we entered from.

"Where are we going Sir?" I ask as I follow.

"Well, we're going to watch them do the inspection. I want you to see what they do," he replies.

My brow furrows slightly in confusion. "I thought you said that I couldn't go because I might pass out," I comment.

"Yes, you can't go into the room, but, that does not mean you won't be able to watch," he explains.

I raise an eyebrow. "What do you mean, Sir?" I ask.

"Hey, what did I tell you Boy?" Kasami says with a laugh, "And what I mean is that with some research, some of the Gelus Engineers were able to create a type of glass infused with an alloid that block the waves from traveling through. If we stand behind it, we should be fine."

"Should?" I repeat.

"Well, the glass was barely able to withstand the impact of a power shock of a Class One Jeweloid at normal power. If this Jeweloid is a Class One, there may be a chance that she could crack the glass, or even shatter it." Anyola explains, adjusting her glasses as she joins my side.

"Well, that's reassuring," I comment.

"Jintez, everything will be fine. Though it may seem that she's strong, the girl is young, so her powers are probably limited. That output back there might of been her strongest, so we will be fine," Kasami says.

"Alright Kasami," I say as I follow him down a white lit hall, before coming to find myself in a large dome shaped room stretching about twenty feet across, though most of it is cut off by a glass barrier, a examining table and tools inside. Moments after we come to a halt, the man walks in, holding the girl in his arms, who still seems to be unconscious. Though, something has changed. Her brow is furrowed, and she seems uncomfortable, almost squirming in the man's hold. She relaxes some as he lays her on the table, though she still seems tense in a way.

Kasami seems to have noticed as well, leaning over to whisper to me. "Most are like that when they first show up. Their bodies are having to readjust to being outside of the ice after many years. She just needs to get used to breathing correctly and the temperature, and she'll be fine," Kasami says reassuringly, grasping my shoulder, "Don't worry about it."

"I'm not worried," I quickly respond.

"Your countenance says otherwise, Jintez," Anyola comments, randomly appearing behind me, almost giving me a heart attack, "As does your body language. At the moment, you look about as tense as she does."

"Damn, don't just randomly appear. You scared me," I comment as I rub my neck.

Anyola chuckles. "Well, that's your own fault, newbie," she replies with a grin, though doesn’t raise her eyes to meet mine.

I roll my eyes, returning my attention to what's happening inside the chamber. The girl seems to be a bit better, though as a female Jeweloid begins to remove her jacket, her nerves tense again. It's as if I'm in her head, I can feel the beat of a fast heart pounding against my brain, intensifying as the female pulls up her shirt. I look away, though I can feel uneasiness eating at me, the unwanted feeling running up and down my abdomen. Luckily, it does fade after a moment or two, but it then returns as the girl's boots are removed.

It's at this moment that I hear the beat slow dramatically, and as I watch her, it seems her body is beginning to appear to beat at the same rhythm. Then, without warning, her eyes open, and a huge shock blasts from her body. On impact, three of the Jeweloids inside are thrown against the glass, including the girl who had removed the articles of clothing. Kasami watches in surprise, as do I, jolting as the people slam against the wall. The glass does a pretty good job of absorbing the power, though it seems it did not go without being damaged. All through the glass, cracks have formed, some stretching almost halfway across the panes in multiple directions.

"Oh my . . ." Kasami trails, "She's strong. . . ."

"Does that mean we're screwed?" I ask, almost joking.

He shrugs, looking over at me, his golden eyes amazing in the light. They seem to be alive, gleaming with so much life and energy. "Who knows, hopefully that was all she had," Kasami comments.

At this point, the three who were thrown are now back to their feet and working, whereas the girl has returned to being unconscious. Then they do the weirdest thing. They start telling her information. They try to ask her questions, almost interrogating her. Her brow furrows again, meaning that the questions must not be a very good idea on the Jeweloids' part. She just appears stressed out, nervous in a way. I find that I'm getting protective again for some reason as I watch. Though, unlike before, this I can understand. Doing this is just idiotic. It will just stress her out, and it's just upright horrible to do to her. Just imagining what she must be about to go through is a nightmare.

"Miss, we have to tell you something," one of the women say.

Please . . . leave me alone. . . . Who are you anyway? . .

My eyes widen in alarm. That voice . . . it couldn't be. . . .

"Miss, the year is 3000."

What the Hell is that supposed to mean? . .

"Kasami, make them stop," I say without warning.

He blinks, looking over at me with surprise. "What do you mean?" Kasami asks.

"I don't think she's ready to know everything. Don't you think that she should be stabilized first?" I reply.

He looks away, seeming to be considering my suggestion. But it comes too late it seems.

Wait . . . where are my parents? . . Mom . . . Dad! . .

Her voice is scared, nothing like the strong tone I recall from the vision. I can feel my heartbeat picking up as I watch her, glancing from her to Kasami. He seems to sense that something is wrong like I do, but it seems something is stopping him from saying anything.

"Miss . . ." one of the other Jeweloids starts, leaning over slightly.

I crack, stepping up and punching fast at the glass to get their attention. "Wait, don't-" I start.

"Your family is dead."

Without warning, the girl’s power goes out of control. Energy shoots out from her body in intense waves, causing the said “unbreakable” glass to shatter into pieces, knocking Kasami and I to the floor. I pant as I push myself up to a sitting position. I look over my shoulder, shaken as I watch her convulse. Another blast flies, causing my breathing to become heavier as I falter. This is far more intense then QUARTZ's shock wave. It’s much more . . . pure. It's as if all her emotions are shooting at me, stabbing me with fear, confusion, sadness . . . anger. Electric looking light sparks around her like flame, her body jolting, appearing to be seizing. The Jeweloids that had been standing around her are struggling to contain her power, being hit back by the reoccurring shots of power.

"Oh shit," I comment.

"Incredible . . ."

I blink, looking over to see Kasami wide-eyed and alarmed, stumbling to fully sit up right.

"Sir-" Anyola starts.

Weird, I forgot about her.

"This Jeweloid is much more powerful than I first expected," Kasami interrupts, "I never thought I'd see another . . . and she's so much younger than the others-"

"Another? Wait, you've experienced a Jeweloid this powerful before?!" I shout.

He nods. "Yes, this girl is most definitely. . . ." Kasami trails off as another power shock hits us.

"What?!" I say.

"Class Zero."

With that, the greatest power shock erupts. Unfortunately for me, because I’m the tallest standing in the area, I get hit right in the gut, the blast so great that it ends up throwing me back into the wall. The impact sends a shock wave through my body, and whips my head against the hard surface, causing pain to abruptly sting my brain with intense force. As I fall to the ground, I look up, and I catch a glimpse at the girl's face. Her expression is absolutely mortified, tears falling down her face, her eyes squeezed shut so she doesn’t have to see her new reality.

Please . . . make it stop! . . Somebody . . . anybody. . . .

Before I know what I'm doing, I'm struggling to stand, surprising Kasami. Without warning, he reaches for me, grabbing my arm to pull me back down beside him. Though, I retort, trying my best to break his hold on me. Kasami’s brow furrows, his expression reading uncertainty as he looks up at me. "Jintez, stop!" Kasami orders, "The strain of her power shock will have major effects on your body if you try to resist it! Stay down!"

"Sir, she needs help!" I reply, “I have to try to help her!”

"You can't do anything!"

"Don't know that until I try, now do I?!" I say, trying my best to keep my composure as I finally stand up, well, sort of.

Anyola, who had been behind Kasami at the moment of impact, sits in a ball beside him, though as I try to take a step forward, she throws herself at me, pulling me back down to the ground. I immediately whip around, a bit irritated by her actions, but once I make eye contact with her, I falter. I can tell she has good intentions by holding me back, but I can’t just sit here and allow that girl to suffer by herself. I gently, but with determination, take her hand and release her grip, looking her straight in the eye as I do so. Though, before I can say anything, she comments simply, “You don’t know what you’re doing, newbie.”

Something about her tone causes me to pause. Unlike Kasami, her words have a weight that I can’t exactly describe. She’s not angry, more or less worried that something may happen, her eyes serious as she watches me. Though, I break my gaze, and resolve to follow my gut.

“I don’t have to to know what’s right,” I state simply as I stand, shocking Anyola, as well as Kasami.

With a good portion of my strength, I step closer to the girl, holding my arm up as the light intensifies to keep myself from being blinded. Though, it's strange, considering that as I step towards the table, the light seems to almost consume me, inviting me closer to the girl. With each step, I find it easier to walk, my breathing less strained, and the light dims enough that I can see without having to shield my gaze.

After what feels like ages, I’m finally able to make it to her side, blinking a few times to adjust my vision to the light surrounding her. Though still seizing in a way, she’s not twitching as much as was before. I can see that the tears are still escaping her closed eyes, opening every once in a while to allow me the chance to see her stunning color shifting eyes, sparking blue and yellow. Then, for maybe half a second, her eyes connect with mine. She looks like she’s about to fall apart both physically and mentally, struggling to hold on to something safe. She’s scared.

Help me . . . please. . . .

Suddenly, she starts to contort again, crying out in pain as she tries to grip for something. With that, I pin her down by the shoulders, trying to control her in a way. My actions catch her off guard, and instantly cause her to go into an immediate panic attack.

Stop, don’t-

"I'm not trying to hurt you! Just calm down, please!" I shout, cutting off the voice screaming through my mind, "We're trying to help you. You don't need to be afraid of us . . . I’ll make sure that you’ll be safe, I promise."

With that, another shock wave blows passed me, causing me to lose my balance against my will. I clutch the top of the table with my best grip, forcing my weight back up with all my remaining strength so I can look over her. My teeth are gritted to keep myself from shouting in pain due to the shocks and the impact with the wall. It’s so bad that I can actually taste blood beginning to drip from my gums. But I ignore it, focusing my attention on keeping the girl still. Then, without warning, all goes still, and she falls against the table, only a bit of the light still enveloped around her. I pant harder than before, trying to keep what composure I have left as I feel my legs starting to go numb.

I deflate, leaning over slightly as I continue to gasp for air. I can feel something trailing down the back of my head, reminding me that I probably have a big gash on the back of my head. My head starts to pound harder, and my heart keeps up an unnaturally high pace. "Oh Lord . . . this is going to be Hell tomorrow," I comment to myself.

"S . . . orr . . . y. . . ."

I blink, directing my gaze down to see the girl . . . is now conscious. Her eyes are hazy, which is easy to understand if you take into consideration that she is definitely tired, sweat running down the side of her cheek, mixing with her tears. Her breathing is ragged, her exhale sounding overly forced. There’s even a little bit of scarlet blood trailing down in a thin line from the corner of her mouth, showing just how much of beating her body has been going through in just the short while she’s been reintroduced to reality. Though, to my honest surprise, she somehow displays something of a grin for me, and mumbles what I think is a chuckle. Slowly, she reaches her hand up, touching it to my cheek. I’m taken back by the gesture, worried by the icy cold I feel unified with her soft touch.

"Miss . . ." I trail.

She's able to let out a real chuckles this time.

"You . . . know . . . my n . . . ame. . . ." she struggles to communicate, her voice coarse but shaky, probably due to how long it’s been dormant.

My eyes widen. "Is . . . your name Maggie?" I ask slowly, my voice strangely calm as I look down at her.

She slowly nods, probably not wanting to strain her weak vocal chords any more than she needs to. Her eyes steadily become warmer as I stare down into them, the pools of sapphire mixing with a bright yellow in the middle, making them more intense and mysterious. I'm perplexed by the trait. None of the other Jeweloids had duel colored eyes. Does this mean she's even more unique?

It’s then another tear threatens to fall from her eye, her brow furrowing as she stares up at me. Her frozen touch is shaking. She’s no different than a flower overtaken by frost. In this moment, she’s the most fragile thing I’ve ever witnessed. Without thinking, I cover her hand with my own, holding it as tenderly as I can, while I use the other to whip away the evidence of her fear. She looks a bit surprised, but thankful for my presence. Her frosted touch relaxes, warming against my touch as her eyes become kinder, trusting. She opens her mouth to speak, but immediately, I stop her, shushing her as I say, “Relax, you don’t need to talk. Just deep breaths, ok?”

Her expression becomes a bit more animated, her eyes widening. Then, her countenance of shock breaks, overtaken by a bright smile, giggling even escaping her lips as she shifts her gaze away slightly. Pink rises in her cheeks, making her look more lively, reassuring me as her touch steadily grows to a normal temperature. I stay standing over her like this for a little while, keeping her calm as I oversee her steady breathing and heartrate. Around me, everyone else seems to fixing the area up. I see blonde locks in my peripheral vision, slowly slightly, then picking up a quicker pace each time it passes.

Then, I feel a presence on my shoulder, followed shortly by a whisper, “Isugoro, you need to go see the medical team, you took quite a beating due to this young lady.”

“Not yet,” I answer simply.

“Why?” Kasami asks.

I don’t answer quickly, my eyes locked on her as she glances back up at me, her expression turning to a grimace. Within moments, her hand becomes tenser, rigid now against my cheek. She knows what he’s saying, it’s easy to tell. I tighten my grip a bit, trying to reassure her. “She isn’t ready yet,” I say.

Kasami says nothing, simply patting me on the back, followed shortly by footsteps walking away. I grin, allowing her to acknowledge I won’t be leaving. Her expression relaxes, apparently happy that I won’t leave her side. She mouths to me, “Am I going to be ok?”

My countenance softens, grinning as I nod, “You’ll be fine.”

“Come along, Jintez.”

Suddenly, my forearm starts to get pulled away from me, causing me to turn my gaze from the girl for the first time to see one of the Jeweloids pulling me away from her. My hand is taken from hers, and the girl looks totally blind-sided and worried, trying to sit up so that she can grab my hand back. Unfortunately, the Jeweloids seem to take her actions as something negative, grabbing her and pushing her forcefully back down onto the table. She struggles against them, causing me to fight back as well, standing up fully upright for the first time so that I can overpower the smaller Jeweloid. As soon as I do, my head begins to pound, becoming foggy as I try to keep my balance. I pull against the Jeweloid’s hold, and somehow am able to escape, but only for a moment before someone else tries to hold me. Kasami hurries over to me, yelling at the men to release me. The men look wary, but do as they’re told, they’re grips falling to allow me to return to the girl’s side.

Unfortunately, it seems in my absence they’ve been able to get the girl back to a state of meltdown. Her powers are starting to spark back to life, spitting out in dangerous lasers of blue hued light. She’s crying out, coughing in between her off high screams. At the sight of blood, I immediately push my way through the crowd so that I can position myself back where I was. I make eye-contact with the male Jeweloid holding her at bay, and I grab at his collar, pulling him close. I suppose I must look rather crazed as I stare him down, as he slightly cringes under my hold, panic in his eyes. I say simply, “Let her go.”

Immediately, his grip gives, and she falls back against the table, seizing slightly. I gesture at the others to back up, but their hesitant, obviously wary of what the girl could do to me. Though, I ignore their stubbornness and turn my attention on the girl, leaning over her as I gently place a head on her forehead. As I try to move her bangs, she shutters under my touch, making me feel like I have already failed at my job. Although I haven’t been given an exact description of what my role will be in interacting with the Jeweloids, I do feel I am at least responsible for keeping them safe. Though, at the moment, I’m more or less just concerned about this girl, who’s forced shallow breathes just make me cringe in regret.

She opens her eyes for a second, probably trying to survey what’s suddenly happened. As soon as she meets my gaze, something shifts. The power shatters, but in a different way than before. It’s not that she exactly ran out of power by any means. In actuality, it appears she just, well, turned them off. I sigh, relieved that she’s no longer spazing like before, though she looks more scared than ever, now slightly pulled into herself. My brow furrows, and lean over more than I did before, now level with her face. I take her hand gently, pulling it up to set it against my cheek where it had been previously. I whisper calmly, “It’s me; it’s ok.”

Slowly, her hand relaxes, and she opens her eyes hesitantly, though her expression turns to slight surprise once she registers just how close I am now. She blinks, looking innocent as she almost traces my face with her stare. I chuckle, and she gives a small smile, becoming peaceful again. A new scarlet trail of blood drips from the corner of her lips, and I sigh, using my free hand to wipe it away. Tears that had been trapped by her lashes fall as she squeezes her eyes shut, embarrassed though still in pain. Again, I try to reassure, “You’re ok; we’re ok. We’ll be fine.”

She replies with a little nod, opening her eyes slightly as she scoots herself slightly closer to me.

It’s odd. If I was to step back and think about this situation, I’d be rather perplexed. Normally, I stay out of such situations. While I guess I’d call myself a sympathetic person, actually involving myself in such drama as this is very out of character. I’m unsure, I suppose the simple reason could be that I pity this girl. She seems so weak, so defenseless, it’d be wrong to just allow her to feel scared and alone. Though, I must say, although she hasn’t said much, her warmth and strong gaze have really left a lasting impression on me. It’s almost as if her innocence is transferring to me through her touch.

All she did was extend her hand to me, and now I feel it’s my duty to protect her.

My hold on her hand tightens naturally as the thought sinks in, and in response, her smile warms even more than before, as if she was able to listen into my mind. The sight causes a strange feeling to rise in my gut, relaxing my muscles naturally. Suddenly, her forehead connects with mine. A jolt of surprise shoots down my spine, causing a substantial change in my inner temperature. She seems to sense my confusion, and laughs softly.

Then, without warning, her eyes lose their light and abruptly close. Her hand falls from my face, going limp as she suddenly falls unconscious. Alarms start to go off in my mind as I try to look her over, puzzled by the sudden turn in events. One last power shock explodes from her body, weaker than the few before it. Though, I find that this time my body can't hold up anymore. . . . My legs are weak, shaking slightly before they give way. My eyes begin to fall shut, my mind falling hazy, and before I know what's happening. . . .

The world is black.

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
cgirl1118
Review

I'm loving this story more and more. The cliffhangers at the end of each chapter always make me want more. You really describe your characters well and make them so unique.

Just a tiny mistake where there is no space in between two words in the beginning. It's a tiny typo that did not affect your whole story.

I really love where this seems to be going. All these awesome characters and their stories!

In the rest of the chapter there were no mistakes that I can find.
Awesome story!

Keep being awesome!

Why thank you, I'm glad you enjoy LAPIS I've worked hard on it ^^
Keep reading!
~Maddie

Here again! Another chapter. Another few hours! (Just a FYI :P) IF I CAPS something, I’m not trying to shout, just putting them in bold, which I’ve forgotten...something like [b?][/b] if I’m not wrong.
First things first. PLOT-LINES!! I like how the MC becomes protective of the girl without interaction. I like best of all how your story has slowed down considerably. This chapter contains only one major act. That’s good. The reactions made by the characters are all very realistic, which means there’s no plot diversion. It is hard to pick fault with this chapter, and I won’t.
Second things...Nitpicky about grammar...
I fear that if I continue down this road, I will turn into an unbearable Grammar Nazi....Did you write this on a phone? If I’m correct in my suspicion, the errors in your grammar are not intentional, but are autocorrect errors. Am I? If it is, I would suggest going through a triple-read. Your description has improved drastically over the last chapter.
Third-Last-Surely not Least things: You have a great story unfolding. It is light to read, yet has power to it. Whenever I like a story, I tend to spin-off fantasizing on my own. This story has done just that. However, you are now in Chapter TWO. By this time, you should be having the reader hooked onto some magnet in the story. I can’t find that magnet. It’s forming for me in the MC’s strong desire to do the right thing, but if this were meant to come out later, you must have a hook of a different kind earlier in the story, which other than newness I couldn’t find.
Perhaps in a more concise way I would say that the power in this story is unfocused.
Keep Writing Gooder!!

No, I did not write this on my phone, this was done on a laptop with no spellcheck feature XD Sorry abt that
I'm glad u enjoyed the chapter!
~Maddie

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Sun Dec 08, 2013 2:06 pm

Hey there again :)

This'll be a shorter review because it was a good chapter. And in good chapters it's hard to pick faults. I liked this because we got to see more of Maggie, and we also get to know what it's like when a Jeweloid is waking up for the first time. I like the power waves because you're very good when it comes to description within those. I'm also really like Jintez's character, and how he's so driven by what he feels is right... the determination. Characters, and description as well as storyline? Working very well here so far.

For some reason, I find myself a bit...irritated by the man taking her.


You do this quite often actually. There should be a space after the three full stops (...) What I mean is this: I find myself a bit... irritated by the man taking her. Otherwise you just connect the two words with full stops needlessly in between. Oh, and in this case the full stops seem unnecessary. Just make it all one sentence!

"I thought you said that I couldn't go cause I might pass out."


Good works with not many mistakes means I need to get picky and point out these minor details. This one is that there is a difference between cause and 'cause. 'Cause is a shortening of the word because, which is fine. Cause literally only means the reason why something happened. That little apostrophe makes a big difference right? Remember it when you abbreviate any words.

Now I just have a question about the story. If Jeweloids are basically made from humans, why can't they engage in sexual intercourse with humans? They're basically the same bodily apart from colours, scars and length. So why not? This would be something interesting that could use a bit more explaining. I'm just trying to grasp the idea of Jeweloid's in general.

Okay, enough from me. Next chapter here I come!

Deanie x

Hehehe, someone finally asked about the sexual intercourse thing...it's addressed later on ;)

I'm glad you like the chapter, it seems everyone does for some reason XDD

Yeah, I'll have to look at the "'" thing and I didn't know that about the ...
Thanks!
~Maddie

User avatar
JayBlu
Review
JayBlu wrote a review · Sat Sep 21, 2013 11:15 pm

Well, once again I gotta say you wrote another beautiful chapter here!! The storyline so far is very unique to any other kind of war/sci-fi/and I don't know, whatever else style genre it is. It had similarities to a few other games I know but honestly, this delves into possibilities these games I speak of didn't.

Anyways, once again I dont do grammar, obviously. But I will speak on the storyline.

Maggie really must be quite powerful to have a class of power on her, own, or wasn't it mentioned another was like her before? I'll have to look it over once more.

And Isugoro is quite enthralled with her, though I guess I would be too if she could speak in my mind as she does.

Still great, keep going.

Later

Thank you for the review! I'm glad you're enjoying it so far!

User avatar
ArcticMonkey
Review

Hey Maddie!

I told you I'd get to this yesterday but I got really distracted and all but nevertheless I am here now! I will definitely get to all the chapters of this as you post them however expect slight delays because school's starting again, but then once I get back into my routine everything should be back on track. Anyways, enough of me babbling right now, onto the review! As always I'll start off with what I liked. I think generally this is a good chapter, you begin to use some great descriptions and we learn loads more about the characters. Basically it follows on from the last part really well, so well done!

Here are my critiques/suggestion:

-I found that generally during the dialogue, there was just too much being explained about this world rather than something that these characters would actually say. For example when Kasami was explaining those things to the MC in the beginning, I felt it was too forced to be put into the dialogue.

-I noticed there wasn't too much of a range in your language used, and a lot of things were repeated like 'brows furrowed' and this might make me sound really nit-picky but you really notice when language is repeated, so try and vary it a bit more.

-I feel like I've said this to you before, but I probably haven't so basically, you seem to have forgotten about our good friend, SAID! Said is your best friend, okay? I don't think I saw said being used once, and obviously if you use said ALL the time then it will become a bit boring, but don't forget about it completely ;).

-My last point is looking at this novel as a whole, because you've created this different world it gets a bit confusing to catch up with everything. I mean even though you have that dictionary, it would become a bit tedious to have to look back at it all the time. I think you should reveal all these words as the story goes on, but that's just a suggestion.

Overall this was a good chapter! Sorry my reviews are feeling a bit rubbish lately, so sorry about that but I hope I helped! Feel free to let me know of any questions you have. I see you've posted more of this story up which I will eventually get to but just remember not to post too much at once so people have a chance to review it. Also I hear some chapters are really long? You might wanna post them up in two parts because it's not really fair on the readers.

Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x

Yeah, I actually agree with what you're saying XD
This is one of my 'before midnight' chapters. What this means is that I did this chapter during the day instead of late at night. I write and draw the best at night, shown in the intro (I did the dream sequence @ 2am) and later in Chapter 6 (That was an all nighter). During the day, it appears that my use of language and detail vanishes XD
I'm not joking LOL

I'll probably relook at this in the future, and I'll definitely take your advise
Thanks!

Yeah, I actually agree with what you're saying XD
This is one of my 'before midnight' chapters. What this means is that I did this chapter during the day instead of late at night. I write and draw the best at night, shown in the intro (I did the dream sequence @ 2am) and later in Chapter 6 (That was an all nighter). During the day, it appears that my use of language and detail vanishes XD
I'm not joking LOL

I'll probably relook at this in the future, and I'll definitely take your advise
Thanks!

Yeah, I actually agree with what you're saying XD
This is one of my 'before midnight' chapters. What this means is that I did this chapter during the day instead of late at night. I write and draw the best at night, shown in the intro (I did the dream sequence @ 2am) and later in Chapter 6 (That was an all nighter). During the day, it appears that my use of language and detail vanishes XD
I'm not joking LOL

I'll probably relook at this in the future, and I'll definitely take your advise
Thanks!

Yeah, I actually agree with what you're saying XD
This is one of my 'before midnight' chapters. What this means is that I did this chapter during the day instead of late at night. I write and draw the best at night, shown in the intro (I did the dream sequence @ 2am) and later in Chapter 6 (That was an all nighter). During the day, it appears that my use of language and detail vanishes XD
I'm not joking LOL

I'll probably relook at this in the future, and I'll definitely take your advise
Thanks!

Hey again. :)

I'm back to review your awesome story! By the way, I'm sorry this is kind of late. I know you already posted a couple more chapters. I've been kinda reviewed-out since review day. But now I'm slowly getting back into it. So, here I go!

I'm going to get right to the review first. Even though there isn't much to critique. ;)

Her brow if furrowed, and she seems to be uncomfortable, almost squirming in the man's hold.

~ 'Her brow if furrowed,'
Do you mean 'is furrowed?

It's strange, cause as I step towards the table, the light seems to envelop me, inviting me closer.

~ Edit: envelope
By the way, I really liked this sentence. The image it portrays is really freaking awesome. :P

And those are the only two things I found! I have no problem with the writing itself. I'll probably just be helping you out with the grammar things here on out. You don't need help with anything else I don't think. I'm here to solely enjoy your story, now! Yay hah! :P

I really love your story. I like the whole idea, your description, and just everything. Oh, and I think the length of this chapter is better than the length of the first chapter. This chapter is long, but not too long. It felt just right. But don't hold back on those long ones if they're needed!

Great chapter Serene. Happy writing!

Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow

Thanks for the review hun!
Yeah, if you think chapter 1 was bed, wait til chapter 6
That is Freaking long! XDD



cats, actually.<3
— theromanticchemist