Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
I never felt so breathless as I did that moment. The world around me froze, and I believe my heart caught. The look on Anyola's face haunts my mind, how happy she was when she delivered us the news. She continued to explain to me some short details of the protocol for the day, but in terms of telling me of the person, she knew little.
Cent was too far gone to recall what she said, as he was himself when I saw him first thing this morning. His grin hurt me, and caused a churning in my gut, 'cause I knew I would have to be the one to tell him.
"Hey, Cent-" I started.
"Goro, before you say anything, I just want to say I'm sorry," Cent interrupted, "I promised you I wouldn't drink since I can't hold liquor . . . but then when we got to Eclipse, I started dancing with this really pretty girl, and her friend kept trying to get me to try her cocktail, and finally I did to shut her up, and . . . yeah-"
"D-Don't worry about it, I'm not mad at you," I reassured him, "But Cent-"
"I ruined your birthday, admit it," he commented, "I'm an ass of a friend-"
"Cent, listen to me!" I said, grabbing hold of his shoulders, catching him off guard.
"Ok, ok, I'm listening," Cent replied. My brow furrowed as my expression became pained, making him realize something was wrong. "Isugoro, what is it?" Cent asked, his tone shushed.
". . . They're killing someone today," I trailed. His eyes widen in alarm, an expression of shock crossing his face.
"W-What do you mean kill-" he started.
"There's going to be a public execution at five," I interrupted, "That's why everything has been postponed for the day . . . they're making it something we all have to go witness."
"W-Why would they do something like that?" he stuttered, flustered.
"I don't know, I've been asking around, but no one really knows anything," I replied, "The Commander apparently announced it yesterday while we were in Seattle. I haven't seen Kasami yet to see if he knows what's going on."
Cent looked away, his eyes still bulging as he searched his mind. Then, he slowly whispered, ". . . This place really is turning out to be Hell."
He looked back at me, staring into my eyes as if to find some kind of explanation to help him understand the new developments. But, I couldn't give him anything, and with that, I took him by the shoulder and we started toward Kasami's office. Unfortunately, we eventually got separated. We had started down the same hall, but at some point, he turned off, called over by a superior from his part of the base. With a look of concern, I watched him disappear before I kept walking to the Jeweloid sector. To my surprise, everything was still. The normal buzz and aura that fills the area was gone, and I saw almost no Jeweloids.
And those I did see were hardly helpful, or pleasant. They all looked drained of life, depressed and empty. The sight caused my concern to heighten as I made my way to Kasami's office, and when I entered the room, Kasami looked just as bad, if not worse. I hurried over to his side, leaning over. "Sir, what exactly is happening?" I ask.
He doesn't meet my gaze, his eyes glued to the papers on his desk. "Unfortunately, I've been told that I cannot disclose any information about tonight's slaughter," he says with a dead tone, "All I can say . . . is that such a thing is happening, and all are required to see it."
"Why?" I say, "Why must we all see it-"
"To teach," Kasami interrupts, ". . . To teach those who rebel . . . what happens them when they defy the laws that have been set."
"What does that mean?" I shout.
He finally looks up, his normally warm gold eyes lifeless. The sight causes a lump to form in my throat, guilt for yelling welling up in me the longer I stare. After a moment, he sighs, looking back down. "You have to be with the humans during the execution . . . Stay with Armasons' section, that's an order," Kasami says, "Now, leave me . . . alright?"
The pain in his voice is terrible, making my heart ache in a way. I've never seen him so low. I do only what I know to do, and I put a hand on his shoulder, trying to help in a way. Kasami's brow furrows, though it's not long before he puts his hand on mine, squeezing it. We stay like that for a moment, then I release, following his order and exiting the room.
I can't recall the next few hours, the world around me slowed, then would suddenly flash before my eyes so fast that I couldn't even blink. The tide affect lasted until the moment I found myself joining Cent on our way to the auditorium at the center of Gelus. Neither of us had ever seen it, or knew the path, so we just followed the waves of human soldiers that walked around us. After a few minutes of walking unfamiliar passages, we find ourselves facing several large metal arched doorways, latin inscriptions engraved to the frames. I look over at him, and find he wears a similar expression as mine; nervous and on edge.
He meets my eyes, and gestures, telling me to continue us forward. We enter together, and are herded into a back row in the middle section, giving us a perfect view of the stage.
Yay.
I look around, amazed by the capacity of the space. It's at least the size of one of the abandoned stadiums that litter the heart of Vesperia, the seats fully encircling the decent sized stage below. I'm surprised to see there's a second level, more people filling the seats above us, making the size of Gelus much more intimidating. Holographs flash through the air, the crest of Vesperia and Gelus shining down on all of us. Both of us only look once, feeling uncomfortable.
Surprisingly, everyone else is acting exactly the opposite of us. It's loud, the people around us smiling and laughing. They're excited as Anyola was when she told me.
I feel sick.
I happen to look over, and I see the Jeweloid section standing out from the rest. They're solemn and silent, still as they sit. I pick out Sammy near the middle of the group, sitting near Kasami. Marcus sits in the back, his arms crossed, and his face hard. I look closer, and I find the RUBY girl Syria had introduced me to earlier. She looks scared.
Suddenly, I make the realization of what's about to happen. "Cent . . ." I trail.
"Yeah?" he replies.
I don't answer for a moment, trying to straighten my thoughts. ". . . It's a Jeweloid."
He blinks, confused. "What?" he asks.
"The person being executed is a Jeweloid, Cent," I say.
Cent's face pales. "Oh . . . but why?" he questions, "Have you heard anything? You're involved in the Jeweloid Sector-"
"I don't know everyone though," I interrupt.
Cent doesn't say anything more, not having the chance as everyone in the room rises in an uproar. We stand, finding the Commander taking the stage. He has a grin on his face, causing my stomach to churn.
He raises the mic in his hand to his face, chuckling, "Welcome my soldiers!"
Applause starts up. The Jeweloid section and Cent and I stay silent. The Commander's face becomes serious, looking out into the audience. "Today, we are here to remind ourselves of why we stay together," the Commander says, "We Vesperians are proud people, and our companions of allied civilizations have embraced our essence well! . . . But, even though we try our hardest to teach others to follow the path of peace, there are still those who fight justice!"
I feel my heartbeat picking up as people in the crowd begin to call out in agreement. The Commander raises his hand, hushing the crowd. "So, we gather to see what happens to those who fight what is right," he says, gesturing, "We will show what happens to those who defy the Law!"
The crowd erupts in cheers. Cent looks to me, startled, "What the hell is this?"
"I'm not sure anymore," I reply, stunned.
The Commander turns, making a motion to some guards, "It's time . . . for their sentence to be carried out!"
Our eyes widen as the people around us roar. "Wait, "their" . . . There's more than one?" Cent shouts so I can hear.
"I don't know," I say, confused myself.
Suddenly, a light flashes on, revealing people moving through the crowd. Due to all the people, neither of us can see them, but the audiences booing and mocking tells me it's the Jeweloids who are about to die.
Then, I catch sight of one of them, and the color in my face drains.
"Oh my God . . ." I trail, feeling sick.
"W-What, what is it?" Cent trails, sensing the sudden distress in my voice.
"Cent . . . t-that's-" I start, my voice faint.
"What?" Cent yells, unable to hear me.
"That's . . ." I say, unable to finish as I watch the man I know thrown onto the stage, his exposed upper body bruised and bloodied. His hair is ragged and his pants are torn, though it's his face that catches me. He looks angry, distressed, and agitated as he looks back at his holders, only to be hit so he'll obey. Before I crumble mentally, I sit, putting my head in my hands. Cent leans over, obviously worried.
"Isugoro-" he starts.
"That's NATHAN!" I cry, shaking as I begin to shrink into myself.
Cent's eyes widen, his face paling. He stands back up, and before long, I hear him gasp. I look up at him, "What?"
"Dude . . ." he trails, "Both of them . . . are . . ."
As soon as I hear "both", I shoot up, met with the most appalling sight of my life.
Syria, bruised and lowly on the stage . . . opposite of where Nathan is being held.
I can't speak . . . I can't think . . .
All I can do is watch the Commander walk up between the two, looking to each in disgust before raising the mic again to his lips.
"These two have carried out the most sinful treason of Gelus," he shouts, gesturing to Syria, "This daft girl gave herself to a Jeweloid male, and had sexual intercourse repeatedly with him! She is disgraceful-"
"She is innocent!" Nathan yells from his corner, causing all to look at him. He sneers as he glares down the Commander, "You snake, you told me you'd leave her alone if I confessed! Why is she here?!"
The Commander stares him down as he speaks, "You are in no position to yell at me. You defied the Law, and have done much more than that to undermine Gelus-"
"I've done nothing but say the truth-" Nathan shouts.
Suddenly, one of the guards knees him in the gut, silencing him as he keels over in pain. Syria gasps in horror, tears running down her face as she starts to pull away from her guards. Somehow, she's able to break free, and runs across the stage to Nathan's side, falling to her knees to check him.
I can't hear them, but I can make out just by watching her face that she's asking him how he is. Nathan's face softens dramatically when his eyes set on her, his brow furrowing deeply as he speaks. Again and again, he apologizes, unable to say anything else to her as the Commander walks up behind her.
"How pitiful!" he shouts, taking Syria by the hair and pulling her back. Nathan's sorrowful expression shatters into fury, starting to lunge at him as he causes Syria to cry out in pain.
"How dare you!" Nathan screams, "Don't touch her!"
The Commander whips around, glaring Nathan down, "Silence yourself, now!"
Nathan doesn't back down, causing the Commander's anger to rise. He turns to a guard behind him. "Get the frame. He's going first," the Commander instructs.
As the guard salutes, the crowd roars in response, the people around us screaming out curses toward Nathan and Syria.
"Kill 'em!"
"Give it to them already!"
"Death to traitors!"
Cent gaps just as I do, unable to comprehend what is happening. "They . . . They can't be serious . . ." he trails.
". . . This isn't right," I breath, feeling even more ill as the Commander throws Syria to the ground. Nathan, using the advanced strength he'd been suppressing, throws the guards off his arms, and successfully catches Syria in his arms, pulling her into him as she crumbles to the ground. He holds her gently, but tight in his embrace as he glares down the guards, keeping them at bay with his cold silver eyes. After a few moments, I pick up a slight aura emanating from him, a spark of dark blue light beginning to appear around his body.
The sight ignites the first calls from the Jeweloid section, some of the males shouting for Nathan to fight. I look back and fourth between the parties, noticing each word the males from the section yell only causes his powers to flame bigger, making me begin to feel even more panicked.
"Please, don't sink to that!"
The voice sticks out among the crowd, at least, to Nathan and I. He stops, and his aura shatters, slowly looking over to where the voice came from. I do the same, and I'm shocked to see standing at the edge of the stage is Mally, Eriks beside her as tears stream down her face. I can't believe I hadn't noticed them, especially considering that Eriks is one of the few Nocans currently stationed at Gelus, but I'm soon drawn away by the fact that the section she stands in is filled with those from the Detention Sector.
Even they weren't spared from this insanity.
Her pained expression causes Nathan to look saddened, and I see him mouth something to her.
"I'm sorry I did this."
With that, the audience seems to turn rowdier, and I turn my attention back to the stage to see two guards hoisting up some type of metal framing. The Commander smirks, and turns towards the audience, gesturing toward the object, "It's time!"
The people roar, standing on their feet as the Commander looks to the guards, giving the go ahead to take Nathan away from Syria. Unfortunately for them, Nathan doesn't break, and Syria, now conscious, clings to him, her expression tortured.
"P-Please, leave us alone!" she cries, pleading with the Commander.
The Commander scoffs, "You've dishonored your country with your whorish actions-"
"Say something like that again!" Nathan snaps, "And I swear-"
Suddenly, something is thrown at the two. The action is so fast that I can't make out what it is, but whatever it happens to be causes Nathan to fall. Almost electric charges spark around him as he screams in anguish, holding himself as he crumbles to the ground.
"N-Nathan!" Syria cries, but she's unable to check him. A guard comes in from behind her and sweeps her away, carrying her kicking and punching to the other side of the stage as three men take Nathan and pull him up. He still grunts and shouts in pain, and out of no where, he starts to throw up blood, causing everyone around us to hoot and holler, wanting more action. They want blood.
I hold my hand up to my face, watching in horror as they begin to chain Nathan to the frame work.
"They're gonna kill him . . ." I trail.
"Goro-" Cent starts.
"Well now," the Commander says, causing Cent to stop as our attention is pulled back to the stage, "It's sad to think you're all bark and no bite. Simply coming in contact with real fire causes you to short out . . . and your powers to vanish."
Nathan, still coughing up bit of blood, glares up at the Commander, sneering as he meets his gaze. "What? Do you really think you're a keeper of justice?" Nathan growls, "If these people knew half of what I've seen-"
"Like what, COBALT?" the Commander interrupts, "I expected a different reaction from someone who is all knowing."
The comment causes Nathan's brow to rise in confusion, "What the hell does that mean?"
The Commander says nothing, faced away from Cent and I as he looks over to where the guards hold Syria. With one flick of his wrist, he calls for Syria to be brought to him. Though, unlike with the guards, when Syria comes in contact with him, she cringes under his touch, unable to look him in the eyes as he takes her by the arm. Tears begins to run faster down her face, and the Commander looks back at Nathan, meeting his unsure gaze.
The smirk of a true evil comes over the Commander's face, and all the color in Nathan's face vanishes.
"YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" Nathan screams at the top of his lungs, the air cracking under his fury as he starts toward the Commander, before being pushed back against the frame. Again and again, he pushes to get the guards off, but with his power and strength zapped, he's unable to take down those pulling him back. "I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU!" he screams, "HOW DARE YOU-"
"You are the one to die, tyrant," the Commander says, throwing the feeble Syria to Nathan's feet, "And because of your selfish desires, you're damning the woman you lusted for-"
"I LOVE HER-" Nathan snaps.
"Not enough to protect her," the Commander says. His words break Nathan's strength, causing him to slam hard into the frame, and the guards to work fast to chain him still. I watch almost tormented to see Nathan destroyed, his eyes empty, and his expression defeated. Slowly, Syria pulls herself up, leaving everyone to mock her as she struggles to stand. I hear laughter, true laughter!
Nathan watches her in silence, though to my shock, tears begin to form in his eyes. Their faces come to be inches away, and he cracks, shaking as he croaks out another apology, more grief in his words than anything I've ever heard.
Then, as if to play with them, the guards take Syria by the feet, and pull her back, causing her to fall flat to the ground.
"Syria!" Nathan cries to her, but he can't do anything more for her as they drag her down stage, taking another chain and wrapping it around her ankles. With that, they loop it around a metal hook in the ground, leaving them both trapped, and waiting for their ends.
I feel something in me crack, "I have to do something."
"W-What, are you crazy?!" Cent shouts, trying to hold me as I start to exit the row.
"I can't let them just kill them!"
"What can you do?! You'll be killed right beside them if you try to fight now!"
He's right, Goro.
My body freezes as Nathan's voice crosses my mind. I whip around, and find that Nathan is looking toward me from the stage, tears still running down his face.
"Nathan-" I start.
It's too late for us, we screwed up! . . . I screwed up . . . And now they're taking her down with me.
I feel a lump in my throat getting bigger.
There's gotta be something-
The Commander already has us beaten. The crowd is on his side . . . There's nothing that can change what happens now-
So you're just going to give up, Nathan?!
His eyes widen in surprise, then the most ironic thing happens.
He smiles at me.
"Sir, if I may," Nathan calls out, catching everyone's attention, including the Commander's. Everyone falls silent, unsure what will happen next.
"Now what?" the Commander says.
Nathan doesn't reply quickly as looks away from me, breathing heavily. "I have the power of premonition. . . . That means I can see things before you'll ever see them coming," Nathan shouts, looking around the room, before his eyes land back on the Commander, "You've mistaken a dragon for a mouse . . . and before long, that dragon will take on it's full form."
Whispers instantly fill the space, and Nathan continues, "The fire the dragon breathes will protect it . . . and today, the fire burns in this very room." His words instantly send the auditorium into an uproar, causing people to question what he means. Cent and I are just confused by what's happening.
Nathan grins, "You, Sir, will meet your end by their flame . . . 'cause you never learned that playing with fire . . . can lead to your own end-"
"That's enough!" the Commander shouts, before gesturing out to the audience, "No one here would dare defy me!"
The audience shouts in agreement. The Jeweloids stay quiet, and Cent and I watch grimly. The Commander looks over, "Bring out the spears! It's time to finish him."
Nathan pales as a guard walks on stage with two long bladed spears, and one to another guard before they take position on either side of him. The sight causes Syria to go into a panicked state, crying hysterically as she begs the Commander for Nathan's life. But he ignores her pleas, hitting her upside the head to silence her.
"No!" I say, though my call is lost in the roaring sound of the soldiers.
With that, Nathan looks back up with me, panting hard as more blood drips from his mouth.
It's up to you now . . . Goro.
I hold my breath a moment.
Nathan! What can I-
Suddenly, everything around me vanishes. I'm in a white space; Cent, Nathan, Syria, everyone gone. Then, without warning, a bright light flashes in front of my eyes. I cover my face, glancing on for a few mere moments to see what is in front of me.
Seconds later, I'm met with a vision of fantasy; a dragon, towering as tall as two hundred feet above me, it's sharp sapphire wings spread wide as it roars. Instinctively, I start to run, but to my dismay, I trip over my own feet.
To my surprise, I'm caught by the beast's great tail, and held gently as it brings it's face down to peer into mine. My heart races as I stare at the creature, but for some reason, I feel a strange calm, my hand reaching out and touching it's smooth skin only after a few moments. The dragon does nothing but push against my hand, before it morphs, shrinking until the place on it's head that I touched is now up against the palm of Maggie's hand, her appearance slightly different than the last time I saw her.
My breath catches, and she grins. "M-Maggie-" I stutter.
A jolt hits us, and Maggie falls into my arms, her body hot as if she's running a fever. I look up, only to find a great wall of power flying right at us. With nothing else to do, I push Maggie behind me so to shield her from the attack, but only a second passes before she pushes by me. She looks at me, and smiles warmly, taking my hand tight in hers as she turns back to face the incoming doom. Her power builds, overwhelming as she glows. At the same time, I raise the gun that had been handing in my belt, and with one flick of her wrist and a single shot, our attacks combine into one blast that cuts through the wall, shattering it. Instinctively, I take her in my arms to protect her from the aftershock, though nothing happens. I look down at her and see her gazing up at me, her eyes warm and comforting.
She kisses me, but only briefly, causing a strange feeling to burst through me. I pant in shock, then blink to find her face flash in front of my eyes a last time before I find myself back in the auditorium, Cent staring at me in alarm.
"D-Dude-" he starts.
"I'm as well as I can be," I interrupt, trying to get my bearings. I look around, finally landing back on Nathan, finding that he's once again staring at me, his eyes weak, but spirited. I gulp as I watch him, "Nathan . . ."
She'll need your help, even if she says she doesn't . . . And now you see the war we're fighting.
His eyes fall on Syria, who's crumbled on the ground, shaking and sobbing. His eyes become glossy again as he leans his head down to get her attention. Watching, the Commander comes up behind him, tightening the chains at his neck to pull him back against the frame. Nathan glares at him for a moment, before looking back to Syria.
A smile rises on the Commander's face, "Your final words, dear psychic COBALT?"
With that the Commander places the mic in front of Nathan's mouth, making him appear even worse as he stands unable to fight. He looks up at the audience, glancing from me, to Mally, then over to the Jeweloid section. His gaze calms the Jeweloids in the audience, but RUBY in the front row starts to break down.
Nathan shows a bittersweet smile to her, then looks back at Syria. "Syria. . . ." he trails.
She looks up, startled to see his voice echoing through the room. They watch each other for what feels what ages until he speaks again. "I love you. Please forgive me for this," he says, "I never wanted to hurt you."
With that, Syria cries out, "N-Nathan, please!"
"Do it," the Commander instructs, "Take out his lungs."
Nathan seems content as his eyes only seem to see Syria, "Syri-"
Shiing!
The roar of the people goes silent, allowing the only noise in the room to be the shanking of the spears into Nathan's sides, stabbing straight through his chest to the opposite shoulders. He lets out an agonized cry, and Syria screams. Blood starts pouring from the wounds as the guards pull the spears out, and instantly, Nathan's body starts to go limp. The chains holding him are broken, and in silence, Nathan falls to his knees, his eyes glazed over as I catch one last look.
He's not dead yet.
Somehow, as all eyes are on Nathan, Syria is able to escape her chains and crawls quickly over to him as Nathan falls flat on the ground. Again and again, she cries out his name, but he can't do anything except try his hardest to get air into his shredded lungs as she pushes him over onto his side. He slowly reaches a hand to her, and she grabs it, putting it to her heart as she keels over.
Suddenly, there's a clicking noise. Syria looks up, her eyes widening as she sees the barrel of a gun pointed right at her forehead. The Commander holds the trigger, holds her life.
"Now then, you, Syria Hurrans, previous partner of the tyrant COBALT . . . you are at a point where you could die," the Commander says, "But, with his blood spilled in justice, I will give you a chance. Cower and push away that corpse, and dedicate your life as a servant of Gelus, of Vesperia! . . . Promise to do this, and I will spare your life."
The crowd starts in uproar at the Commander's words, but I stay still, sick with growing anger.
He was going to offer her that all along . . . he just wanted to mock and torture her!
Nathan's hand shakes, and Syria looks back down at him. The anguished look on her face reads that Nathan is pleading with her. He wants her to live.
But, to everyone's shock, she smiles, then leans over. Nathan's eyes are wide in pain as she presses a kiss to his lips, tears streaming down her face as she pears into his eyes. Then she mouths something.
"I'm not letting you die alone."
She sits back up, and looks at the Commander, her eyes showing their confidence as she glares him down, ignoring Nathan's silent pleas.
Then, for a moment, a fleeting moment, I see something. Her eyes, warm chestnut, change, flashing a bright silver glow. My breath catches as I recognize her eyes.
They're Nathan's.
Then, her voice cuts through the air, clear as she speaks bravely, "This corpse is a greater man than you'd ever succeed to be. I love him!"
"S-Syri-" Nathan sputters.
"I love this Jeweloid!" Syria yells, "I love Nathan!"
It's too late. The Commander is furious, gesturing to guards.
"Hold her!" he shouts, "She decides to die!"
"NO!"
All heads turn toward the Jeweloid section, eyes focused on RUBY. She's bawling, trying to escape two Jeweloids' hold as she tries to reach the stage. Syria's brow furrows in sorrow as she watches the sight.
"Anna . . ." she trails, "I'm sorry-"
"SISSY, NO!" Anna screams, "You can't die! I can't lose you and big brother! Stop!"
"It's already been decided."
BANG
A loud bang rings through the room, and before all of our eyes, Syria falls to the ground, limp. Her eyes are still.
Anna lets out a tortured wail, falling to the floor as she collapses into herself.
Coincidentally, the way Syria fell over situates her right beside Nathan, facing him. He stares at her now dead expression, the sight causing tears to flow down his face. A few seconds pass before he uses the last of his strength, takes her arm and pulls her corpse into him, squeezing his eyes shut as guards try to move toward them.
He let's out a great power shock, knocking down everyone near the stage, and taking out a good volume of the human soldiers. Mally cries hard into Eriks chest as they fall slightly. Sammy looks away unchanged in position, a hand brought to her face as tears silently fall down her cheeks. I don't move as Cent cringes some, unable to breath as I watch my good friends die, their blood combining as Nathan lets out his last breaths.
Tears start to drip down Cent's face, crying for me. I can't release a single tear, even though I wish to so badly.
. . . I .. su . . . gor . . . o . . .
The weakness of his voice hurts me, and I can't look anymore as I hear Anna still screaming.
His voice pauses, before chuckle flows through my mind.
Syria and I will be ok . . . I wish we could stay to see your success.
I feel myself get choked up.
Good luck, friend . . . Protect her with your life.
"Nathan . . ." I trail, my fist clenched in anguish, "I'm sorry . . .!"
With that, his expression softens . . . and the last breath escapes his lips.
And there, among the carnage, the two lay together, death taking them both as they had decided. Even in the last moments, they're still one. . . .
For them, everything turns white . . . while everything around me has become soaked in nothing but sin.
Their blood is on our hands, the crimson red fading to black.
End of chapter
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Hey Serene!
Me again, just as promised! :3
Whoa... as we are drawing near the end of the book you really are determined to let it go out with a bang. There was just so much emotion in this chapter and the happenings were so bad... I immediately guessed it was going to be COBALT up on that stage when they were all in the room and I knew it was going to be heartbreaking. You managed to bring across the message of hope I think you wanted to send into the story and for Isugoro, and still managed to break all the readers hearts a bit as well. The writing of Cobalt's character was perfection. Every word he said to the Commander and Syria was dripping with emotion and I felt like his presence was very real in this chapter. There is no doubt in my mind that if this wasn't fiction these events could've actually happened - that is how realistic it was. I really loved the storyline in this chapter which means I won't be saying too much about it. I think it will be more so small things in this review, and it might not be very long.
I felt like it was a little bit of a cliché having Nathan's death drag out so much right until the end of the chapter. In most cases people would be dead instantly. Sure, we don't know what was pierced by those spears but I couldn't help feeling it was getting a bit long and unnecessarily so? I felt like his time to die had past by quite soon and I was surprised by it taking so much time. Maybe it might be a good idea to shorten it a bit, although I am not entirely sure what parts of his death are fine to be cut out or you think are vital for the story and the emotional development.
I felt like the beginning was kind of skipped over. I wanted to see more! Anyola gives us the news at the end of the previous chapter but here you kind of skim over the whole section and we don't get to see anything when it comes to her reactions much. It's all told like it happened before and that gives me the impression that it doesn't matter. But I am so shocked to see Anyola act this way that it blows my mind and makes me wonder more about her as a character. So give us a chance to fully develop that wonder by expanding that section a bit more. Show us the dialogue and actions they do as if it is still unfolding. Throw a bit more attention to that area.
I noticed that especially at the beginning of the chapter you use the word unfortunately an awful lot! It sort of got repetitious so you should try using some more synonyms and changing the wording up a bit.
What bothered me the most about this chapter is that you keep saying that Syria "somehow" managed to escape the clutches of the guards, and the chains, and was always able to run towards Nathan whenever it was convenient. I felt like it shouldn't have been possible because she's simply a human girl. If it's because the guards aren't being as strict with her than you need to mention that - it could even be a clue to the choice the Commander was going to give her all along. If she is somehow becoming strong or is strategic and is finding ways to escape, then let us know that as well! Just don't make things too easy for the situation because it doesn't add up and bothers me with the inconsistency of it.
I take it that the image of the dragon and of Maggie was sent through to Isugoro from Nathan. Or is he just seeing things? Make sure it's clear where the image is stemming from so it all makes sense to the reader.
Wait, what? I am so confused about Nathan's eyes being Syria's? You really need to make that part a whole lot more clear. Are you saying that her eyes were burning with as much passion and love as Nathan's usually are? Or was Nathan kind of shining through Syria? In all honestly I am totally lost as to what that part was supposed to mean. It needs some more work...
One nitpick!
I think you mean 'peers' instead of 'pears'.
Looking forward to being all caught up soon!
Deanie x
Alright, the eyes thing off the bat is actually something I can't really explain at the moment because it's the first clue to something that happens down the road in a later part of the series.
The dragon vision was and wasn't Nathan. He wanted to send Goro a message, but the way it was perceived was done through Goros way of thinking. It may be the same vision, it may not, we won't know, but the message was what Nathan sent and it worked.
The beginning was a bit rushed because being me, I get excited writing very emotional scenes, that's why chapter 6 is another of my favorites. I wanted to get to the auditorium and make sure that I didn't slow the chapter any. That and I didn't want it to be years long.
Just like the eyes, I can't go into major detail about Syria being able to escape, but I will try to reword that.
Jeweloids take longer to die than humans. Because they do have their advanced healing abilities, it takes a lot to kill them, which strangely enough I don't explain until DUET for some reason. They have death points, points in the body where if hit, they'll die, no questions asked. Nathan's were his lungs, another for an example is Sammy's are her pinkies, Marcus' is I believe his Akiles tendant in his left leg, and RUBYs is her appendix. A lot of this will be flushed out in DUET, so sorry!
Thanks for everything you said and I hope to see more reviews soon!
~Maddie
Hello! I haven't read the rest of this novel, so my feedback will be based only on this chapter.
"Trailed" as a dialogue tag is usually used in the context of "trailed off", which only works when the ellipsis is at the end of the dialogue. You have this problem a lot, so I'd suggest looking over the whole thing and editing for that.First off, you seem to use a lot of dialogue tags. And by that, I mean every single line of your dialogue ends or is interrupted by a tag, which definitely distracts the reader from enjoying the work. It clogs up the narration, especially since you only use "said" twice in this entire chapter. Not to mention, some of your tags don't even make sense in the context, and it feels like you only put them in there because you felt like you needed to end your dialogue with a tag. For example:
Another problem is that you're working from a first-person point of view, so your narrator cannot possibly see their own face unless they're constantly staring in a mirror. As a result, some of your descriptive sentences sound a bit off, because your narrator starts describing how their own face looks. This might make sense if they had the characterization of paying attention to every little movement in their own expression and studying themselves, such as an actor, dancer, or other performer would have to, but I see no other characterization supporting this.
You also seem to be slipping quite easily between past tense and present tense, which is a simple technical flaw that should be edited out before posting; make sure that all of your verbs are past, or all of your verbs are present. It's distracting to always be fixing them in my own head.
Overall, I don't think the writing's bad—these were just a few things that would improve this chapter as it is! Keep writing!
Hey, Littlefox here to reveiw! I'm officially caught up again, yay!
this was a pretty intense chapter. was actually surprised when I found out who was being executed- my heart even skipped a beat! So of course, this was a really good chapter even though, obviously, I didn't like what happened haha. You did a wonderful job pulling on my heartstrings- pulled the crap out of them. I don't have anything negative to say about this one, so keep up the good work!
Damn.
Cobalt was my favorite! How could you do this to me Madison???
Anyway
So now that I am caught up you had better get the next chapter written!
I so agree with you @LittleFox about the chapter being intense. Cent is my all time favorite, but Nathan COBALT was right there with him.