"We have Officer Jintez."
I hear some static from the guard's earpiece, and it isn't long before I hear a reply, but it's too muddled for me to make out what exactly he's saying. Ever since we left the cell, I haven't done anything except but nod and follow the lead guard to where ever it is we're going. The guards haven't really said anything to me either, though two of them are still holding my arms like they expect me to run off or something.
I'm not six; I'm smart enough to know to follow without being held.
Although, I guess there must have been some people that they've lead that have tried to run, so the precaution shouldn't strike me as very odd.
We've arrived to the base level and are now making our way through a hall I don't recognize. Surprisingly though, I do hear the familiar sound of conversation nearby, and out of it all, I pick out a voice.
Syria.
"They already took him out? But wasn't he supposed to be released later?"
My eyes widen slightly as I hear her, followed by footsteps heading in the opposite direction of where we're going. The echo dissipates quickly into the muddled conversations on the other side of the wall, and it's then I realize what is happening.
They're taking me down a separated hall so that I can't interact with anyone.
The reason why, I guess, is kinda obvious. From what I've heard while I was detained, I've become a normal topic among the Jeweloids. It seems the truth of my actions in the Power Processor, as well as my return to the Detention Sector after my beating have stricken the group with curiosity and respect, which is strange considering only a few Jeweloids actually know me. As for the Human population of Gelus, apparently I've been talked about by them as well, but not in the same light. From the Intel a guard gave me just yesterday, a majority of the Human soldiers that heard about what happened simply think I'm a stupid kid who got too caught up in the event of Maggie's insanity state. Other words were used to describe me: dumb, cocky, belligerent, ignorant, crazy . . . but then I heard a statement that actually caught my attention.
The guard repeated to me that a young man, one who had been in my entrance group of thirty all that time ago, said, "That idiot seemed smart; thought he'd know better than to waste his brains on that thing."
A thing. I recall that when I first heard the words repeated to me, I didn't actually understand what exactly "the thing" being referred to was. I had, of course, made my own assumptions. In a literal sense, I connected that he may be talking about Maggie, and my efforts to keep her safe by taking the sentence. Then I thought he may mean Jeweloids as a whole, as I have apparently been marked as someone who "sides" with them and their beliefs. To be frank, I'm not even sure of what those are, all I know is what Nathan relayed to me that night a few days ago. Maybe it's just that, the beliefs that may be "the thing".
After a moment, I shake my head slightly as I come to a quick conclusion on my last thought. No, if he was to speak like that, he'd probably not know what the beliefs of the Jeweloids even are. He probably is just going with what everyone else has told him without investigating.
Seems to be typical here.
"Jintez."
I blink, looking up to see the leading guard turned and looking toward me. Immediately I straighten a bit, answering, "Yes Sir?"
"GOLD is waiting for you at the entrance to the Transportation Port, he'll take you to your destination," he explains.
"I thought you said you were-" I start.
"I misspoke," he retorts, cutting me off before I can finish my sentence, "We are only to escort you to the Transportation Port to ensure no one tries to approach you, Human or Jeweloid." I don't answer him verbally, but I give a nod, queuing him to continue. "Now, when you two arrive at the Weapons Training Facility, GOLD will take you to the Jeweloid's training quarters. He'll leave you there with her and the trainer, and what is hoped to occur is that you'll be a medium between the two so that the Jeweloid may advance on," he explains, turning back to face forward as we turn a corner into another abandoned hallway, "And, if that does indeed occur, than one of a few circumstances will take place."
My brow raises as I repeat his words, "Circumstances?"
"Yes, but that will be explained when it comes to that point in training," he replies, before he comes to a halt.
I'm caught by surprise by his sudden stillness, though I react quick enough that I'm able to stop myself before I run into his back, but not by much. If looking from the side, there may be only an inch at best between the back of his head and my nose.
"GOLD," the guard calls.
"Officer Perez, good to see you again."
A grin sets on my face as I recognize Kasami's warm voice, and as if a weight had been placed on my back when we set on our trip to meet him, hearing the familiar tone releases it, a sense of calm coming over me.
The guard in front of me steps to the side to reveal me to Kasami, who I see is wearing a relieved smile when he registers who I am. In response, my grin brightens a bit to a small smile, showing my corresponding content. The guard doesn't notice the short exchange, moving on quickly to the matter at hand: Maggie.
"Sir, is there any change in Jeweloid 009's status?" he asks.
Kasami sighs, shrugging a bit, "Not really. It's as if she's tied off her abilities so that nothing will flow."
I blink in confusion, "Wait, what?"
In response to my question, Kasami chuckles, approaching me soon after and doing as he always does; he places his hand on my shoulder, shaking me a bit.
"She's holding back son," he sums up for me, before looking over to the guard on my left, "I'll take him off your hands now, thank you for your assistance gentlemen."
With that, the guards give him nothing more than a nod, then turn and walk off without another word. The disregard to Kasami's ranking strikes me oddly, as Kasami is indeed a Major, and none of them from what I could tell were anything higher than myself. I turn to face him as he starts back towards the entrance to the Transportation Port, "Kasami, those men didn't-"
"Salute me? Is that what you're inferring about Isugoro?" he interrupts, looking back at me with the same warm smile on his face.
I nod, "You're a Major-"
"I am below them, Isugoro," he again interrupts, this time with a bit more power in his tone. The sudden change stuns me for a moment, causing me to stumble a bit as I walk through the threshold and nearly trip over the small gap in between the spaces. Kasami doesn't look back as I expected to check on me, but he does pause a few steps ahead, then heaves a heavy sigh, "In fact, if you hadn't been placed in the Jeweloid sector, you'd be above as well Warrant Officer Jintez."
I don't respond, too perplexed by the truth that I can create a reply. Kasami is a Major, the ranks on his uniform displays it quite openly, yet in the eyes of the Human soldiers, he still doesn't hold a position of power.
That doesn't make any sense.
"Jeweloids have yet to be recognized as equals in terms of standing, Isugoro," Kasami continues, "Among the Jeweloids and some Humans, I hold a high title. But, to those outside of the sector's walls . . . I'm nothing more than another Jeweloid in stock."
His description of Jeweloids makes me uneasy, comparing them to items . . . lifeless objects.
After the interaction ends, I follow Kasami quietly to the loading bay and into one of the twenty air rovers we have on standby. Air rovers are probably the most basic, yet most important types of airship the military has created. It has a simple design, similar to a cone that was squished down on top to make a smoother and wider curved roof, made of an enhanced steel alloid that can maintain shape at a speed of twenty-three thousand kilometers per hour. Though, the technology behind the simple shell makes the machine that much more amazing. It has state of the art camouflage and weapon advancements, as well as top of the line radar, radio, and holographic equipment to ensure that no matter what the circumstances, the craft will can keep sight on all other craft moving about it. Which, by the way, is a major advantage in the case of tracing early signs of enemy movement, or even attack on the entire northern coastline of Vesperia, thus stopping it before it even can begin.
Once the hatch shuts behind us, Kasami takes the seat beside the operator, leaving me to sit alone on one of the two benches that lines the opposing wall of the space. Air Rovers can seat up to only about six or seven people, basically like the commercial aircraft that Vesperican and Orienian families own. The only difference is that instead of benches, there are actual chairs, though again, there are weapons in this craft.
Yeah, that counts too.
"Lift off."
I'm caught off guard as the Air Rover suddenly jerks forward, causing me to fall slightly before I catch myself. I look back up to see if either Kasami or the operator noticed, to find to my relief that neither of them have moved. But, I do still find myself caught by Kasami. Unlike normal, Kasami's eyes are lifeless and stale, the soul that regularly shines through them now extinguished. Strangely, the longer I watch him, the more I suddenly begin to feel uncomfortable. Kasami is warm and has always made the effort to make me feel comfortable around him, even going as far as considering my personal comfort and not questioning certain aspects about myself or my past. To see that now vanished is just something I don't like to accept. It's not right.
It's not him.
"We will be arriving in less than five minutes GOLD," the operator relays.
"Good, then we'll be right on schedule," Kasami replies, giving a truly forced smile. But, to my dismay, the operator doesn't notice, not even diverting his eyes for a millisecond to acknowledge Kasami.
"Major," I say without thinking, "What is your position worth if you won't defend it?"
With that, Kasami turns towards me shocked. He doesn't answer me for what feels like a long time, but when he does, he expresses it with a serious expression and a matching tone, "Hold your tongue, Jintez. It is not your place to question my motives or reasoning, understand?"
I nod, obliging without further question. What point is there to continue to debate over the matter when he looks at me like that? I can't fight him, he's basically my boss.
He's the only superior I actually respect.
I don't make another noise the rest of the flight, keeping my focus on the speeding world outside the craft as I stare out one of the windows lining the walls. Time flows by quickly as I do, and before long, we once again are on the ground. I don't have time to look at the surroundings, because as soon as the door to the Air Rover opens, Kasami takes hold of my arm and leads me out and into a group of four men, who of which are all wearing similar red training uniforms. Seeing me in Kasami's hold, the men quickly take us to the entrance of a large unmarked building, dark and secluded on what seems to be a nearby mountain side that probably overlooks Gelus.
I'll have to look when we're leaving.
The inside, on the other hand, is quite bright and crisp, reminiscent of Gelus' design in terms of the white lit halls and the occasional scripting on the walls. But, I don't have time to read them or even make out if they're in English, considering we're now basically at a trot as they hurry me down turns.
Honestly, they're lucky I don't have motion sickness.
"Alright, next right, and we'll be there," one of the men finally says, having a Verteres accent.
Why does it seem like a lot of people here are from there? It perplexes me that these people aren't working on a base in their own country. Is it just me, or has someone already addressed this and been ignored?
"GOLD, are you going in with Officer Jintez, considering he's fresh out of Detention?" another of the four asks.
I don't look over to see Kasami's reaction, but I feel a bit of relief when I hear a chuckle, then sense a familiar warmth in his reply. "Ha ha, ah, I don't think there'll be an issue. Isugoro is a respectable young man that just was put in strange circumstances. He'll be just fine if he's sent in on his own," he answers.
"But Sir, the girl-" the same man starts.
"Is head strong, yes, I'm aware. But, you have to recall from what I've already told you," Kasami interrupts, "Isugoro here got through to her in her Insanity State. Taking that into consideration, it should be child's play for him to get her to cooperate with him beside her."
The man looks from Kasami to me, as I can see in my peripheral vision. He seems perplexed by me in some way, but I can't tell why. Well, until the other guy chimes in, "Does he normally not shave, Sir?"
Kasami blinks, turning now to look at me. His eyes quickly widen as he notices my overgrown appearance, surprised.
"Isugoro, did you not have access to a razor while in Detention?" he asks, honestly puzzled.
"No," I answer honestly, "But it's not like it matters, I'm just a bit scruffy, I can always take care of it once I get back to my barrack at Gelus."
Kasami nods, looking back forward, "True."
"I'M DONE ASSHOLE!"
All of us freeze as we hear the yell from just down the hall, followed by a strong power shock. Two of the men leading us falls, while the other two seem to be straining considerably under the sudden pressure brought on by the shock. Kasami and I barely flinch, actually jerking more out of surprise than being overpowered. Once the effect fades, the men still don't move, now looking at me in confusion. I meet all of their gazes, perplexed now myself by their faces.
"What?" I reply.
"You . . ." one trails, "You didn't react."
"Nope," I say, "I never really have."
"B-But, how is that possible?!" another questions, "We've worked with Jeweloids since the first one was discovered, and yet we still cringe after the years! How are you able to bare it?!"
I don't answer, because honestly, I don't know.
Kasami comes quick to my aid by telling them that the reason is information that I was told not to release due to prior conversation with my superiors. The four men, though seeming to not believe the story, eventually agree to the reason, and continue leading us, probably out of either laziness, or something else I can't really say.
Before long, we finally arrive at the room that the yell came from, which I had concluded by this point must of been Maggie. For the first time since I was released from the Detention Sector, the men around me back off, including Kasami, who simply pushes me towards the entrance before returning to the men who stopped at the intersection between the two halls. I look back to meet his eyes, which he replies by gesturing at me kindly to go on. I stand there a moment longer, before I nod, and turn back to face the entrance, gaining my bearings as I step toward it, then walk through the threshold.
"Miss, you can't give up yet-" the trainer starts.
"Why the HELL not?!" Maggie yells, faced away from me as she looks back at the young man, "It's easy to see I'm not getting it, so why bother to keep going if it's obvious that I won't produce anything?!"
"Because you're being too stubborn for you're own good," I state without thinking.
Maggie becomes still as my voice carries to her ears, not moving again for a few moments. When she does, her eyes immediately find me standing near the entrance, widening as she registers that it's me. The trainer also looks toward me, his expression tired, but also bewildered by my sudden appearance. Though, as Maggie begins to move again, his look becomes frantic, his eyes becoming big as he meets my gaze.
"Sir, I'd suggest leaving now!" he yells, "This . . . woman, is impossible! She'll beat you for saying such a-"
"Isugoro!" Maggie yells, running fast at me, before suddenly jumping upon me. Her sudden actions catch me off guard, leading me to fall over. The trainer stands in utter confusion as he watches Maggie hug me, nuzzling me like a cat as I prop myself up to a sitting position. I laugh as I set my eyes on her face, a bright smile gracing her countenance as her eyes are squeezed shut, and a slight red hue warms her pale cheeks. The sight is one I hadn't expected to encounter considering her upset tone only moments prior to her discovering my presence, but it's welcome. I'd rather see her happy than have to be glared down by her gripping stare.
"Heh, hey Maggie. Long time no see," I say with a chuckle, "Well, I guess it's longer in my case since you saw me when I was hospitalized."
Maggie suddenly cringes a bit, her expression clouding a bit at my mention of the incident. She drops her arms and backs off a bit, sitting only a foot or so in front of me. I try to meet her eyes, but she avoids it, keeping her gaze to the ground. My brow furrows, and without thinking, I reach my hand out to move her bangs from blocking her face. My touch causes Maggie to jerk away in surprise, though only slightly. On the plus, the shock also distracts her from her intentions to dodge looking at me, as her eyes automatically lock on mine in response.
Doing so causes something of chill to go down my spine, her eyes piercing me in a way I can't describe. It's been some time since I last had the opportunity to truly look at her, so to have it happen suddenly like this makes me feel unguarded. The blue rims make the bright yellow inside look like sun as if it had been trapped in her gaze, pinned down by only her small, but dangerous pupil. But, even though they appear quite extreme, they also give off a warmth through the beautiful way the bright yellow melts into the dark blue, reminding me of how the reflection of the sun would fade off on the still surface of a lake just as it begins to set.
Maggie doesn't speak as we exchange our gaze, not moving a muscle as I continue what I had been doing and successfully move part of the bangs to the side, leaving a few stray hairs to sit in the middle of her face. I would move that too, but strange enough, the look of the bit laying there between her eyes, resting at a curve as it come across the bridge of her slender nose, actually looks quite charming. Not in a way that it makes her look any more powerful, it just looks like a style that fits her as a person, at least from what I've seen of her anyway. And, it doesn't seem that Maggie disagrees, as she doesn't even try to readjust her hair after we break our stare.
“Who are you?”
We both turn, Maggie groaning slightly to herself as the man from before approaches us, still looking a bit stunned as he seems to size me up. “I’m Isugoro Jintez,” I say, “I’m one of the Human Representatives of the Jeweloid Sector.”
He looks stunned, before he smirks a bit, “Oh, so you’re the famous Jintez.”
I blink. I’m famous?
He show me a short salute, “I’m Atterson, a specialist on Jeweloid Soul Weapons.”
“Nice to meet you,” I say with a grin.
Specialist my ass.
Maggie wastes no time to get back into my head, her true thoughts ringing clearly through my mind. I chuckle. This should be fun.
“Alright, so Jintez, how much do you actually know about Jeweloid powers?” Atterson asks.
My expression goes blank. Maggie snickers beside me as I struggle to find a good way to answer his question, but I’m left with nothing. Though, I don’t have to say anything, as Atterson can clearly see I have absolutely no background with “Jeweloid powers.” He shows me an eased expression as he speaks, “Alright, I’ll explain the basics. Each Jeweloid, when verified under a certain code, must complete a set of trials to be successfully accepted into the Jeweloid Sector. The first trial is mastering the Soul Weapon.”
“Ok-“ I start.
“But, this woman is in a special position,” Atterson says, cutting me off as he continues, “Since she has been placed in the verification of Class Zero, she must go through a different variation of the trials. For example, the first; She must not only master her Soul Weapon in its solid state, which I believe is a pistol of some kind, but she must master her raw Soul Weapon.”
“Raw Soul Weapon?” I repeat, trying my hardest not to get lost in the downpour of information.
“Well, the title “Soul Weapon” is slightly misleading. In its refined state, a Soul Weapon does appear as, well, a weapon,” Atterson explains, “But in its natural state, it normally appears in the state of whatever the power base is.”
“Which would be?” I ask.
“Normally, it’d be one of the four elements: earth, fire, water, or air,” Atterson says, “But, again, this lady is not normal. While her power is technically a fire base from what our research concluded, her Soul Weapon has the tendency to sometimes mix qualities of other elemental bases.”
I just stare at him. I can’t even tell if I’m confused, or just so overwhelmed by the new information that my brain is acting like it’s confused so it can’t recognized more data.
Maggie seems to sense my brain imploding and intervenes, stepping up to me, “Ok, think of it like this . . . Um, my Soul Weapon in its raw state, can look like fire, blue electricity, or even lava.”
My eyes widen, understanding her words immediately as I comment, “Holy shit, that sounds really dangerous.”
“It can be very dangerous,” Atterson says, “While yes, it’s easier to conjure up the raw Soul Weapon, it’s actually much harder to control, much less regulate the amount of power input. In the refined state, it’s much easier to use, and mentally the Jeweloids create power limits so they don’t flame out as easily.”
“So why does she have to master both?” I question.
“Because, if she’s able to master both of them, that’ll allow her many more advantages in combat if she is at a lower power level,” Atterson answers.
I pause the information session to glance down at Maggie. She appears calm, but even so, I can only assume how comfortable she must really feel, knowing that she’s being trained to fight in a war she knows absolutely nothing about. She’s a brave girl.
Suddenly, a thought rises in my mind, and I can’t help but question Atterson on it. “So, why are you guys at a stand-still if you know how all this works?” I ask.
Atterson doesn’t answer immediately, hesitant of Maggie as she stares him down from my side. He meets my eyes, speaking plainly, “She is frozen in her advancement. She's reached a point that she can control her power internally, but in terms of getting it to come to life externally, she's at a standstill. Whether it be just because she's stubborn and doesn't want to try, or because she honestly doesn't seem to know how, I really don’t know. And, considering that she refuses to answer any questions I ask her, I honestly cannot tell you what’s wrong.”
Maggie’s expression sours. I look from Atterson to her, leaning over to look her in the eyes. She avoids my gaze for a moment, but soon locks on my stare. My tone is calm as I speak to her, “Do you know why you’re not getting any further in your trial?”
Maggie doesn't say anything, but her expression does fade into a look of uncertainty, her gaze faltering. I hear a chuckle, and I look back to see Atterson showing a grimace as he speaks, “That’s the first time she's actually given a type of indication of what may be happening.”
My brow furrows, and I speak calmly, “What else can we do?”
He shrugs, “Not much. Honestly, we’ve already hit the ultimatum zone.”
Maggie’s
expression darkens at the mention of the “ultimatum zone”, putting me on edge
as I ask,
“What does that mean?”
“If she doesn't show any signs of progress within the next week or so, she'll have to move to the next step without fully completing her Soul Weapon course,” Atterson answers.
“That is not good, I presume-“ I start.
“Without full training in her Soul Weapon, she’ll be at a major disadvantage later on when she tries to grow her powers, and even try to connect with it,” he interrupts.
His words confuse me, “What do you mean “connect with it?”
He groans to himself, rubbing his forehead. “You’ll find out about that farther down the road,” Atterson says, before meeting my gaze once more, “What you need to know is that basically, without full training, she’s royally screwed.”
My stomach twists into a knot at the sound of his blatant statement. Maggie’s eyes focus on the ground, her presence depressed to say the least. Atterson sighs, looking a bit guilty as he speaks with a much kinder tone, “I’m sorry . . . but there’s only so much I can do for her. It’s up to her if we can move forward now.”
With those last words, Atterson leaves the room, leaving Maggie and I alone in the staggering silence. I don't know what exactly to say Maggie at this point, considering that now my brain is overloaded with all this complicated information I wasn't expecting to be told. But, that doesn't stop me from trying to state something, as I breathe a sigh and turn to face her, catching her attention.
"Well, it seems you've kept yourself quite busy in my absence, Maggie," I say. Maggie meets my eyes again for a second time, the chills returning again. Her expression is plain, a simple frown and slight furrow of her brow set on her delicate face, but the way she stands makes her look quite elegant, her arm folded across her chest and holding to the elbow of the other, the forearm turned up with her other hand holding her chin.
It's actually at this point that I take notice of what she's wearing, as before I was too distracted by her eyes to really look at anything else. She wears an interesting uniform, the top having a collar that looks similar to mine, but instead of connecting to a regular shirt, it connects to a red halter-like top which exposes her collar until almost the edge of her shoulder, which is covered by short sleeves with purple padding, a longer and tight grey sleeve extending from underneath to her wrist. The front of the top is cropped right above her bellybutton, revealing more tattoos I haven't seen before, though they look similar to the ones on her shoulders and cheeks. The bottoms are much more simplistic, being tight dark pants and grey high wedge boots, a bright purple belt strapped around her waist, empty holsters connected to it at the sides. The only other difference are the purple combat gloves she now wears, having a black trim at the wrists with a Velcro strap to tighten them if need be. In fact, that seems to be the similarity between all the pieces, the same black trim. Well, except on the collar, there the colors are switched, the black being the main and the red being the trim.
Everything else is the basically the same about her. Her hair dances freely, though to my surprise, it's been cut yet again, now ending at her hips. Her ears still have no piercings in them, bare. My eyes begin to drift down to her neck and are caught by a sudden-
"You're not fully healed."
I sense myself come back to reality as I realize Maggie is now standing right in front of me, looking at my chest.
Wow, did I zone out?
"Maggie-" I start.
"You've healed at an advanced rate, yes, but I can sense that you still are wearing bandages," she interrupts, before looking up, "You also look rather unkempt."
I don't respond quickly, taken back by her sudden observations, both obvious and surprising. In only moments, Maggie's presence has morphed from slightly childish to mature and intelligent. It even shows in the way her stare has shifted, the power behind the irises mounting steadily the longer she stares at me.
So to keep my composure in the situation, I clear my throat, looking away as it's now me who's trying to dodge. "I wasn't able to shave while I was in Detention. The next time you see me, I'll look just as I did before," I finally reply.
Maggie grins a bit, "You make it sound like I'm ordering you to shave."
"I didn't mean to, but still, I am going to shave," I continue, "Besides, it's looked down upon to have facial hair as a soldier."
"Why is that?" Maggie asks.
"It's just protocol," I explain, rubbing the back of my neck, "It's also tradition, not to mention facial hair just appears unprofessional."
"My strictest teacher had a beard," Maggie says with a chuckle, "His beard also made him a bit intimidating."
"How does a beard intimidate?"
"I don't know, it just did-"
"It's not like you can stockpile anything in a beard-"
"Actually, that's where he kept his pencil whenever he wasn't using it."
"What? Really?"
"Yeah-"
"What, did you think he'd shank you with it or something?-"
"Never!"
Before either of us realize what we're doing, we begin into really random and rather stupid banter. It goes from Maggie's bearded teacher to my Uncle's collection of swords to a story about a lawn chair incident before ending with a worse story about Cent's first attempt to flirt with a girl. Yeah, I can't explain why or how the topics lead into each other, but they just do; and in a hilarious fashion if I may say so myself. Before long, Maggie and I are laughing hard with each other once I get to the end when Cent tripped and fell into the girl's mom and pushed her into the lake in the process.
"O-Oh dear Jesus, that's awful!" Maggie laughs.
"You think that's bad?" I chuckle, "You shoulda seen Cent running for his life right after it happened from Hyla's dad. I've never seen that man so mad unless it was about food."
"Ha ha, poor Cent," Maggie sighs, smiling with a slight furrow as she imagines Cent's dismay.
I smile back, meeting her gaze once more, happy to find it warm and cheerful. Now, we've moved to lean against the wall closest the entrance at the back of the room. It happened without either of us noticing, but I'm not bothered, and she doesn't seem to be either, so I don't call attention to it.
It's now that Maggie catches my attention, chuckling a bit as she looks away, eyeing the ground. I raise an eyebrow in curiosity.
"Hey, what are you thinking?" I ask.
Maggie giggles, only looking up for a few seconds before looking back at the floor, "I-I just can't believe that this is actually happening."
"What?"
"I'm talking to a guy like you."
I blink in confusion.
"A guy like me?" I repeat.
"Yeah, all . . . jock meets country boy," she replies, laughing a bit, "If that makes any sense."
"Uh, no, not really," I chuckle.
"Well, let me see . . ." she trails, thinking to herself, "You give the first impression that you're very strong and tough, like a jock is, in terms of stereotypical jock of course. But, instead of following through with being shallow and kinda mean, you carry the stereotype country boy type, which is more down to earth and nice."
"Um, I'll act like I understood that."
"The gist is that you are basically . . . um, what is it called," Maggie trails.
"I don't know Mag-" I start.
"Boy next door stereotype!" Maggie interrupts with a laugh, pointing up at me, "That's what you are!"
I blink in surprise, then sigh. I have heard that stereotype before.
"There's a lot more about me that you don't know Maggie," I say with a small smile.
Maggie's eyes blink a few times in what looks like confusion, before her expression slowly becomes a bit more somber and guilty, "Sorry, is what I said bad? I didn't mean it in a bad way at all, I was just trying to-"
"You're fine Maggie, really," I interrupt, reassuring her, "It's ok."
Maggie's expression quickly brightens, "Really?"
A smile once again sets on my face.
"We're fine-"
"ISUGORO!"
My body freezes as the scream sounds through my mind again, followed by all the sickening images I had previously seen thanks to Nathan. I look down at Maggie to see that I apparently hadn't hidden my shock, as her expression is now that of concern, her eyes searching mine.
"Isugoro? What is it?" she asks.
A lump forms in my throat as I stare down at her, unable to relay any type of answer as I begin to speculate over the visions. Clearly, there is some type of truth in the images that Nathan has implanted in my mind. Now it's my job to decipher was it is that he's trying to tell me. It's easy to tell that it does involves Maggie, but if I'm involved in any way is unclear. Considering that all the visions seem to take place from a view of someone watching a scene unfold does point that I could be, but I can't be positive just yet. At least, not until I've been able to think over each of the scenes thoroughly. Until then, I can't say anything, especially to Maggie. I don't want to worry her. She already has enough on her plate as is.
The last thing she needs right now is to be speculating the hardships she'll have to experience further down the road.
I grin bitter sweetly, and brush her bangs back to where I'd placed them earlier, "It's nothing. I'm fine. We're fine."
End of chapter
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Okkkaayy Chapter 17! Phew, a long one~
Unfortunately, the mob mentality of the army here not even investigating what the Jeweloids are all about is all-too realistic. So, kudos on portraying that aspect of it quite well.
'none of them from what I could tell...' I'm curious about this, since you show that the uniforms have rank insignia on them. Goro should just know, so I think you can just say 'I know none of them are higher ranked than myself' or something like that.
It's interesting that Kasami is Goro's favorite officer... but not surprising. Kasami is the least 'military' officer we've encountered (not that there have been many). The central conflict is becoming pretty one-sided- we aren't given much to sympathize with on the anti-jeweloid side of things (not that that's necessarily a bad thing) and really aren't given many 'gung-ho about the military' characters either. That's just an observation though, and I'm wondering if that will change at all. Most of the characters are either pro-military and antagonists, or in the military against their will and protagonists. And, most of them are curiously unconcerned about the current alien war happening- like, there's never been a part where Goro or Cent, Kasami or Sammy or anyone is like 'yeah this sucks but at least we're helping save Earth.' They're all mostly concerned with the Jeweloid thing. It gives the story a very good 'these problems exist in the vacuum of Gelus Base' and gives readers the sense that the base itself kind of makes its residents forget about the bigger picture.
And, it's always nice to have some scenery snuck in here and there. It gives a better feel for the setting and you aren't too heavy-handed describing it, so good job on that~
I hope you explain why Goro seems to be the only human around that can withstand a power shock (though, with the evidence presented I'm thinking Syria would be able to too), since I'm sure that's something readers would be interested in. And if it's only Maggie's, or every Jeweloid's. He can tell when they're using their powers on him, unlike most people, and seems to just have a natural affinity for them. I'd like to know why, eventually~
Okay, the part where Goro is describing Maggie's eyes is very purple prose-y. I'd definitely tone it down. You describe her eye color in the same length you described a futuristic air rover, you don't need it and it makes the narrator sound a tad manic, since you -really- have to stare at someone up close to make out that much color detail for their eyes. I get that it's been a long time since he's seen her but that paragraph completely halts the story, and not in a good way. It actually happens almost every time Goro describes Maggie- in the paragraph with her outfit too. You want the reader to know he pays extra attention to her, yes, but too much purple prose makes it painfully obvious. Goro doesn't go into nearly as much detail with anyone else- we still only have a vague idea of what the regular uniforms look like outside of 'padded' but we get a play-by-play account of Maggie's training uniform- in fact, that's the longest paragraph in this chapter. It's getting a little too obvious at this point in the story, and it definitely contributed to this chapter's length (you could cut down on her descriptions to give fuller ones about her powers, even).
I would suggest calling Maggie's 'tattoos' markings instead. Tattoo implies someone put them on her, which isn't the case. Maggie would be the last person to get blue tattoos, haha
As usual, the dialogue is nice. A good balance of passing information, giving the characters unique voices and personality. I actually thought this chapter could've used more of it~ Especially Goro and Maggie's conversation. Cut down Maggie descriptions so she can talk! haha.
"shank" made me laugh, at least the silliest slang survived to the future haha.
'“Normally, it’d be one of the four elements: earth, fire, water, or air,” Atterson says,'
Here, and this is a major nitpick, I'd suggest him saying 'four classical elements' instead of just 'elements'. This is the future and it's technologically advanced, and I'm sure this guy has a science background. Earth, air, fire and water (and a couple others) were considered actual elements a long time ago before we came up with the periodic table.
Some grammar~
First off- 'have stricken the group with curiosity and respect...' - 'stricken' is defined as being afflicted with something undesirable. I don't know if you want their respect to have a negative connotation, so something like 'stirred the group's curiosity and respect' or something like that. Also, 'have' should be 'has'.
There's a couple times you capitalize the first word of dialogue after a comma, which you don't need to do.
'enhanced steel alloid' -'alloid' should be 'alloy' here
You're missing a few commas:
'you'd be above as well Warrant Officer Jintez."' comma between 'well' and 'Warrant'
'"She's holding back son,"' comma between 'back' and 'son'
'Before long, we finally arrive at the room that the yell came from, which I had concluded by this point must of been Maggie.' - 'must of been' should be 'must have been'
'For example, the first; She must not only master her Soul Weapon in its solid state,' That semi-colon shouldn't be there. You could replace it with a regular colon, and the 'she' after it doesn't need to be capitalized.
' I can only assume how comfortable she must really feel,' I think 'comfortable' should be 'uncomfortable' here.
Actually, this chapter in particular seems to have the most grammar errors- Just pay extra attention to it when you go over it with a publisher C:
Sorry it has taken me so long to get to this chapter- there was a bug that wasn't allowing me to see anything in your portfolio, or anyonelse's, but I finally found a way around it and here I am xD


First nitpick;
"If looking from the side, there may be only an inch at best between his back and my nose. "
This makes it sound as if the guy as some super height if Isugoro's nose is level with his back. Might wanna change 'back' to 'back of his head.
Actually, that's the only nitpick I have.
Well anyway, as always good work! It's good to see Maggie and Isugoro and Kasami all back together again, and I'm eager to see how the training will go and what drama is sure to happen.
Keep up the great work
-LittleFox
Hey, Serene!
(I may sound a bit disjointed because I've been staring at a computer screen for hours and my brain's chicken-noodle soup, but I'll do the best I can.)
Let's get down to business
to defeat the Huns...I love the pace. You managed to vary the paragraphs and sentences in addition to maintaining the flow, and that's definitely a feat worth applauding. The descriptions left room open for interpretation, the dialogue was stunningly realistic, and grammar, spelling, vocabulary--all spot-on. But. As you know, in a fast-paced novel like this, character development isn't the primary focus--you didn't spend too much time describing their quirks, mannerisms, background, etc., which is great--but I still think the chapter could benefit from a little ... fleshing out. Think J.R.R. Tolkien. It was Sam's undying loyalty that allowed his joining Frodo in the quest. His rebellious side that spurred him to eavesdrop on his and Gandalf's conversation, his stubbornness that enabled him to carry Frodo up the mountain. All these elements were pivotal to the plot, and without the bits of characterization Tolkien kept dropping along the way (like breadcrumbs along a sketchy-looking path in the forest), they would've seemed totally random and unjustified. It's your job as a writer to prevent that. It's also an unwritten contract between you and the reader that states the protagonist's every trait should be solid. Not set in stone. Just solid enough for things to stay consistent, and we don't end up confused.
Which brings us to voice. I love, love, love the snide comments; I love the slang and parenthetical expressions. It just ties everything together to make a wonderful bundle of sarcasticness and independence and cold-heartedness and just, gah. The narrator's the strongest character here. Unfortunately, that said, the narrator's voice is also the voice that fluctuates the most. I get that you're trying to get us to empathize with her, but the action is so devoid of emotion, so reverberating with fear, all I can think about is an innocent, very girlish and polite heroine. Like Cinderella. Or Mabel Dagmar. Nothing like the I-eat-nails-for-breakfast-and-I-laugh-in-the-face-of-danger character I saw in the first paragraphs.
Just play around with the action scenes, and I'd suggest increasing the stylistic devices, as well, like parenthetical expressions and rhetorical questions, because those are great fun to read. They're also one of your biggest strengths. You have an amazing style.
Nitpicks!
I'd recommend clarifying the subject in the second clause--that way, it flows better and it's easier to read: "...and it isn't long before I hear a reply." (I clipped voice because it wasn't necessary.)
As for the first clause, "ear piece" is a compound word, so squish the halves together: "earpiece."
Same case here. "Wherever."
If you read the paragraph out loud, you'll notice how choppy it sounds, how the sentences' structures mirror each other--"[dependent clause] + [independent clause]"--how it's jam-packed with prepositions, and how vague some of the clauses are. The last two words sound really stilted--"or something" doesn't contribute to the narrator's voice--and there are bits of redundancy sprinkled here and there.
Try, maybe: "Ever since [this is necessary to indicate that we're discussing elapsed time] we've left the cell [I'm guessing it was already established that it was a group cell, so I omitted the adjective], I haven't done anything except to [I added a preposition to clarify things] nod and follow [...] going. The guards haven't said much, either. [I cut the conjunction because the ideas weren't really connected.] Two of them [...] like they expect me to run off."
I smell a comma splice (no conjunction to bridge the independent clauses). Exchange the comma for a period or semicolon.
If you're using it as a conjunction, it should be "although."
Correct: Although she seemed like she was enjoying herself, she said good-night early and went up to bed.
Incorrect: Though the clock read 6pm, it was dark outside.
You need present participle for this, since you're referring to what has happened: "We've made it back up to the base level and are now..." I'd also recommend replacing one of the "made"s because they're too close together for my comfort.
"Separated."
The narrator's missing a few words here (and I saw this mistake echoed in a few other places): "The reason why, I guess, is kinda obvious." Try to restrain yourself from beginning with question words whenever possible.
Past participle = struck.
The clause to the right of the semicolon is dependent, so you're going to have to replace that semicolon with a colon: Using Semicolons.
As for the ellipsis, the ideal picture's "Well...let's hope," but with the Internet, things have shaped themselves into "Well... let's hope," and now the correct version's actually "Well ... let's hope." Take your pick. ^_^
Can someone possess an assumption? I've always thought of people as creating them, formulating them ... but then again, I'm probably thinking too hard.
This may sound a bit biased, but, um, I've never liked the word "frank." It doesn't serve a purpose--I mean, it could just as easily be exchanged for "honest," which sounds cleaner, nicer, and flows better, although I suppose ... it has pop to it.
But "frank" means that you're contradicting something from a recent sentence. I might be being stupid here, but I don't think the narrator was contradicting anything--anything immediate, anyway? I'll leave it up to you.
If the narrator makes the tags simpler, they aren't directing our focus from the dialogue, and if they aren't directing our focus from the dialogue, they're making the dialogue easier to absorb.
In other words, said is your new best friend.
Double the dash and you get -- , otherwise known as an m-dash. Programs like Word automatically correct that to — .
The symbol you have there is a hyphen.
Should be "ensure."
Since this doesn't qualify as a speaker's tag, or contain a synonym for "said," which would make it a speaker's tag, and this sentence is getting kinda long, isn't it--um, yeah. It should end with a period.
"Looking" can be clipped. A hyphen should bridge "wider" and "curved." I'd also recommend replacing "roof" to clear things up a bit--do you mean "interior"?
Same case with "looking."
Accidently capitalized "if" here.
Should be "sleeves."
Should be "stereotype" and "down-to-earth." It's one of those idioms that are hyphenated.
Fantastic job! I don't think I've ever encountered a YWSer who used present tense as cleverly as this. It really lent to the pace and the narrator's voice, and it helped slow the action when it sped up.
Can't wait to read more
The narrator is a man, not a woman. XD
Yeah, I got confused after I saw that, because I didn't know if you were referring to Isugoro (the Narrator and Main Character) or Maggie (Female lead).
I've never read and/or seen Lord of the Rings, so unfortunately I wasn't able to fully connect with your example, but I understand what you're trying to say. (and for future reference, I've also never read/seen Harry Potter XDDD sorry)
I really appreciate everything you pointed out, and thank you for all the compliments, I hope to see more reviews from you in previous and future chapters.
Thanks!
~Maddie
That's the fourth time I've done that. XD
I was referring to Isugoro. I just seemed to have, um, used female pronouns. (And you've never read Harry Potter?!)
No problem! It was an enjoyable read.
Yeah, there's a lot I've not seen, such as:
Harry Potter
Lord of the Rings
Star Wars
Star Trek
Any DC or Mavel movie
and the only scary/horror movies I've seen are Carrie, Insidious, and Woman in Black :3
Yeah . . .
But, I actually am putting off even trying to get into Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings because I don't want to accidentally steal or be influenced by any of the work. I want my work to be mine and not the afterthoughts I received from someone else's. That's another reason why I also won't allow myself to read the Hunger Games (I have seen the movies though), because I don't want any of that changing any of my thoughts.
That's just me.
And OOOOH ok XD I'll reread it with the right pronouns XDD
Hope to see another critique soon!
~Maddie
Hi Serene!
I think this is pretty good because it shows you have a memorable story! As well as that, I love how much this story is developing. Each time I feel like I have less and less to say and fall more and more in love with the story. For all I know this could easily be a published story I am reading and enjoying. The characters are all realistic with good personality traits and never seemingly act out of character, unless it is meant to be so, like with Kasami. I loved how you described the difference in him as well, and I wonder what could've triggered it. Maybe this is something I will be seeing in the next chapter.
I finally have some time to review this and couldn't wait to get back to reading it. It has been so long since the last chapter! Thankfully I remembered all that had happened and was able to swing back into the style of your writing with ease
This sentence needs some commas in it so we can read it as you want us to! Comma needed after the first word, and after the third one as well.
Now this sentence was awkwardly phrased. Switching the word order and tweaking it a bit could make it easier for us to read and understand. Here's my suggestion: That idiot seemed smart; he'd know better than to waste his brains on that thing. Oh, and another suggestion would be to have the word 'thing' in italics, so it has some emphasis on it and we can hear all the distaste or perhaps the way they don't care in it.
I think you're missing the word 'if' in after the second word in this sentence.
Really? I know he cares about the Jeweloid's but he has already heard someone else refer to them as things before, and he should be used to it by now. He has been living amongst all these humans who regard them as lower than themselves anyway. Maybe it would be better if he mentioned that he wasn't used to this kind of talk after his time in the Detention Center? (But then again, on the walk to where he was going he did just hear it as well, so this time it shouldn't be surprising.) Or, another thing is that it is even more chilling because it's Kasami talking about his very own race as if they were nothing worth his time. In that case, mention it! Not that he is comparing them to items but that he is disregarding his own race as important.
Is it just me or is the 'leaving only a bit of the bang' part a bit... awkward? It seemed out of place to me. Maybe something along the lines of 'leaving a few stray hairs to sit in the middle of her face.' I think it creates the same impression and simply sounds better as well.
This is a common mistake on YWS. It may just be a typo but it may also be more than that so I will explain it here as well. To breathe is the act of breathing, the verb. But a breath is the name of the thing you take in as you breathe. In this case you need the verb instead of the thing.
The last thing I want to mention was the info dump. I know it's hard to avoid in novels like this where it isn't realistic fiction and for the readers sake they need to take in this information. But when I read about how the soul weapons work and the bits of information we got after that, I couldn't help feeling like you were laying it on thick and dumping all this information on the reader to catch up on. I could also tell you were trying to simplify it as well, for our sake, but it wasn't working. I still got the same impression I did. One way of solving this is to show us what you are referring to instead of telling us about it. Maybe the coach could show Isugoro a video where someone wields they're soul weapon for the first time and we can get to know how it works from this. And we could get a bit of information verbally, but the majority of it is shown to us.
If this isn't something you want to do, you could also simply have what you have there, but make it more interesting by making it direct speech instead of indirect. Have the dialogue in there, so we can see Isugoro asking the questions, him being answered, and any actions and emotions that go along with this. That way it becomes more interesting and we have something to distract us from the fact that we are actually being fed a whole lot of information bit by bit
I don't really have much else to say because your chapters are always amazing. Needless to say, please write some more and post as soon as possible! Thanks for keeping me updated, and please do so again!
Deanie x
Yeah, I had no idea how to work in that information. The reason it is how it is is because I was trying to keep the chapter from becoming very lengthy, but it seems because of that I did make it a bit confusing. Also, I was trying to move on to the scene between only Maggie and Isugoro, because that's where I'm beginning to put in little bits that will become seeds for their eventual affection (though at this point Isugoro is too oblivious to realize he is basically flirting. He's very thick-skulled when it comes to his affection for someone)
That bit of info is very important, because as you'll see later on once Maggie has gone through her full training (spoiler) she actually goes back and forth with using the raw power and her soul weapon quite often. And, since I seem to of forgotten to mention the details in previous chapters, I thought it'd be best to tell them now while in the situation that the characters are.
Kasami. Oh, Kasami. Yeah, he is an intriguing personality. He honestly is a very kindhearted man, but he is also defeated in a way. He has basically given in to the oppression and accepted it, and doesn't wish to fight it because he doesn't want to start anything. That's the basic reason he shuts up Isugoro, because he 1. cares for Isugoro, sincerely, and 2. has already given up himself, so expects those beneath him to do the same to keep the peace.
And thus, he has a very important transformation among the cast as the story goes along.
I'm actually almost done with Chapter 18, so that should be out soon!
Thanks,
Maddie :3