As my words register in her mind, I watch as Maggie's jaw drops, in shock. The monitor beeps more erratic, finally catching my attention as I pull my gaze away from her. I'm not a doctor, but I know enough to acknowledge when a heartbeat is too fast to be safe. Hers says roughly 140 bpm, prompting me to move quickly to calm her. "Maggie, Maggie, calm down-" I start, putting my hands on her shoulders.
"This can't be happening!" Maggie yells, "I must be going completely crazy. . . . Yeah, or . . . maybe Charlie is playing a trick on me. . . ."
I blink as her words sink in. Who the hell is Charlie?
She turns, a bit frantic, looking around the room. "Charlie this isn't funny! If this is a joke, you've taken it way too far!" Maggie yells, trying to loosen my grip on her by pulling at my fingers.
"Maggie, this isn't a joke. Please, listen to me-" I start.
"Are you kidding?!" she snaps at me, her expression frantic, "You really expect me to believe you?! You really think that I would consider that I magically wound up in year 3000?!"
"No, I'm not!" I answer as calmly as I can, "You were frozen in ice for almost a thousand years-"
"BULLCHITNA!" She snaps again.
With that, her eyes burst with power, taking me by surprise. I’m perplexed by the sight, but I don’t get a long opportunity to study her unique feature as I suddenly feel an intense jolt run through my body, and blast me back. Before I can figure out what's happened, I meet the wall behind me with a sharp smack, my bones creaking throughout my body. I grunt as I make an abrupt impact onto the cool tiled floor, feeling blood starting to trail from my old wound down the back of my head, and onto my shoulders.
Great.
As I slowly prop myself with my forearms, I look up to see Maggie’s gaze locked on me. Her eyes are wide in shock, more mortified than ever before with her hands covering her mouth, maybe to stifle a scream. As I look closer, I notice something else.
She's trembling.
My brow furrows as I take in the sight. Doing my best to not look terribly wounded, I try to stand back up. Unfortunately, as I do, I feel the blood from my gash begin to trail down the side of my neck, causing her to gasp in fear. I grimace, and slowly walk over to the bed, propping myself by taking hold of the tipped chair I was sitting in previously. I then meet her eyes. Unlike before, they're now clouded and dulled, probably from the fright of what she just did.
"Damn Maggie, you're going to force me to take medical leave if you keep doing that to me," I say, chuckling so to disperse the tension in the room, as well as try to make it out as no big deal.
Her eyes widen. "What? . . ." she trails, "I . . . I didn't . . . do that. . . ."
My eyes widen, surprised that she still hasn’t realized her abilities. "D-Did I . . . ?" Maggie asks, looking up at me, searching for an answer in my eyes.
After watching her for a moment, I sigh. Carefully, I lean over closer to her, taking her by surprise. I stop close, maybe a little too close. This is, in a way, our first real meeting, as the past two or three times, she's been unconscious. Though, I abandon the thought for some reason. Unlike usual, I feel . . . comfortable being this close, and it seems I'm not the only one. Slowly, I notice that her trembling subsides, and her breathing slows a bit, looking over me, studying me in a way.
Once I sense that she’s relaxed a decent amount, I continue speaking. "Maggie, you are indeed in year 3000, I'm sorry to be blunt about it, but I think that you deserve to be told the truth without having to beat around the bush-" I start.
"People still say "beat around the bush"?" Maggie interrupts, her expression innocent.
My eyes widen. Seriously, that was the part she questions?
I try my best to ignore her comment, though I can’t help a small grin forming on my countenance. "Yes, it stuck. But Maggie, please listen, and don't freak out on me. I already need stitches, I'd rather not need to go get a surgery due to a broken limb," I comment.
"How could I have done that?" Maggie asks, "I've never been able to do that before, and since when do I have any powers? I’m not a damn wizard."
"Since when did you have blue hair?" I retort without thinking, my tone rather sarcastic for some reason. She blinks, looking at her hair, picking up some of her locks, studying it as she had studied me, if not more carefully. Then, she surprises me by . . . groaning.
"Seriously, of all colors, it had to be blue," Maggie grumbles to herself.
"Huh? -" I start.
"I hate blue! It's my least favorite color of all time!" she answers, "I mean, whenever I see blue, it's just depressing. It's the color of sadness for a reason, y'know!"
I blink in shock. This girl went from a mental break down to whining about the color of her hair in a matter of a mere minute. I guess that shows how dense she is. As I watch her continue her small rant on her hatred of the color blue, another idea comes to my mind. Maybe it hasn't sunken in yet. I mean, what I just told her was a rather big brick of reality, so I guess she may still be trying to register what I said, while also trying to distract herself from thinking about it. That would make more sense out of what she's doing. I chuckle at the idea. Talk about trying to maintain your sanity.
"Hey, what's so funny?" she asks, pouting a bit.
"Nothing, but Maggie, tell me, where are you from?" I ask, trying to get her off the topic of her hair.
She looks taken back, not expecting me to be interested in something like her life, or history. But at the same time, I see something like . . . happiness cross her eyes, pleased to think of something she knows and holds dear.
"Well, I'm from -" she starts.
Without warning, I find myself in darkness, similar to what happened before when Maggie was being inspected. Though, this time, I'm only unconscious for a short period of time. As I come to, I find myself keeled over, my head resting on Maggie's bed, my vision blurry and the sheets around me stained red. Damn it.
"H-Hey! Holy Jesus, is he ok?!" I hear Maggie say, her tone filled with fright.
"Calm down, he's fine, he just passed out from blood loss," a voice responds, one I don't recognize.
"Damn, that was worse than last time, how'd that happen?" I hear Cent say.
I’m surprised to hear his tone against the new ones. When did he get back from his assignment with Kasami?
"I-I . . . I did it. . . ." I hear Maggie trail off, the guilt obvious in her voice.
My brow furrows naturally. I don't want her blaming herself, she has no idea what's going on, or what has really even happened to her. How the Hell would she know what power she possesses?
Hell, I don’t even know anything.
"Well my dear, it seems you're strong," Kasami’s soothing voice comments, trying its best to be of comfort to her, "And so is Isugoro. Look, he's awake."
As my eyes begin to clear, I can make out Cent leaning against the wall beside the door, and Kasami standing beside me. I slowly move my head up, looking up at an angle that somehow lets me meet Maggie's eyes. She looks scared and concerned, tears in the corners of her eyes. A lump grows in my throat as I look over her. Damn, don't tell me I made her cry.
"Hey Goro, what'd you do to make this happen?" Cent asks as he walks over.
"I just told . . . her," I reply, my voice a bit cracked as I begin to lift my head.
"No, don't move to much yet," the unfamiliar voice from before says, a hand gently pushing me back to lay my head on the mattress, "I just stitched you back up. Please just stay still for a few more minutes so we can get you bandaged up."
"Sure, can do," I reply, not amused by my current condition.
"Goro."
My eyes widen, looking back at Maggie. She looks perplexed, though curious, meeting my gaze after a short moment.
"Is that your name?" Maggie asks.
"Y-Yeah, my full name is Isugoro Jintez," I answer, my voiced cleared suddenly.
"Isugoro Jintez . . ." she trails, a small grin rising on her lips, "Well, that's one I've never heard."
"You can call him Goro if you want, most do," Cent says.
Maggie’s countenance grows in surprise as she looks over at Cent, studying him. It’s now I realized that she’s never met him before. "Who're you?" Maggie asks.
"My name’s Cent. Cent Armasons," he replies, "I'm an old friend of Goro’s."
"Cent Armasons," Maggie repeats, "Isugoro and Cent. . . . Wow, you guys have weird names."
I chuckle, and Cent rolls his eyes, apparently amused by her. Maggie smiles, her countenance happier as she becomes better acquainted with us.
"Jintez, just how much did you say?" Kasami asks.
And, in only one sentence, Kasami made the moment stressful again.
"I got to the ice part, and before I knew it, I was thrown against the wall," I reply honestly.
Maggie swallows hard, and before long, I hear the monitor beating faster. I look over at Cent, who quickly catches my gaze, and nods, understanding. He taps Kasami on the shoulder, getting his attention. Cent gives him a shake of the head, before looking back at Maggie, followed by Kasami. After a moment, Kasami sighs.
"That does seem smart . . ." Kasami comments to himself, before returning my gaze, "Alright, we'll do the explanation process later. For now I'll be content with delivering the news that she's stabilized to the Commander."
"C-Commander?" Maggie and I say at the same time.
We blink and look at each other, surprised by the synchronized response.
"Yes, whenever there is a new Jeweloid, I must deliver the news to the Commander of Gelus, and due to her status, he’ll want updates at all times," Kasami explains.
"My status?" Maggie repeats.
Kasami looks back at her and grins, his gold eyes warm and friendly. "Maggie, was it?" he asks.
She nods.
"Well, Maggie my dear, you are a very rare find, the only one in your class that is so young," Kasami says, "That reminds me, Maggie, how old are you?"
"I'm . . . seventeen," Maggie answers, looking a bit embarrassed as she speaks.
My eyes widen in shock. She's really only three years younger? Wow, I thought she was fifteen.
"Dumb ass, I'm seventeen."
I blink. "Huh?" I reply, looking up at Maggie.
"What? Don't act like you didn't say it. Besides that, how on Earth do I look fifteen?" Maggie replies, her eyes narrowed slightly due to annoyance.
I’m stunned as she retorts, unsure how she was able to know what I was thinking. "H-How. . . ." I trail.
"Impressive, it appears she has the talent to read thoughts," Kasami comments.
Now Maggie looks surprised, her stare shifting from me to Kasami. "What?" she asks.
"My dear, Isugoro didn't say anything. What you heard was a thought that crossed his mind," Kasami explains.
Her face pales a considerable amount as the information sinks in. Her eyes dart from Kasami to me, apparently flustered. "H-Huh?!" she breaths.
"Cool, me next, me next!" Cent says, oblivious to Maggie’s current panic, "Here, I'll think something really easy."
"Uh. . . ." Maggie trails, unsure how to react.
"C'mon, do it!" Cent replies, getting too excited for his own good.
"Dude, she doesn't know how. I mean, hell, she wasn't even aware of it until five seconds ago, so leave her alone," I say.
Cent looks over at me, a devilish smile forming on his face.
Oh no.
"Well, well, Goro, you seem quite protective of this Jeweloid. Could it possibly be that you may think she's cute? -" Cent starts.
"Dude, butt out," I interrupt, not interested in his mislead ideas.
"You're not denying it-" he comments.
"Cut it out," I snap.
"Oh, are we getting annoyed?" Cent says, still not getting that I’m serious, "C'mon, admit it, you think she's adorable-"
"Cent-"
"Jintez! Armasons!"
Cent and I immediately shut up, looking over to see Kasami, his expression now serious.
"Do not joke about things like that. Not only is it immature nonsense that soldiers like yourselves should not be exhibiting, but you two know the law," Kasami says, "That law is something you should never take light of, trust me. You know the stakes, and how high it is held here, so stop it. Understood?"
I look away, as does Cent, the warmth in the room depleted. "Understood," we reply in unison.
Maggie stares, looking at both of us, though focuses on me after a minute. I can tell that she now wants to know what the law is, but I'd rather not be the one to tell her. Odd, but I feel a bit . . . discouraged? No, I don't think that fits. It's something like that, but, not.
Then, I get an idea. I close my eyes for a moment, and focus on a thought.
Don't worry about it Maggie . . . you'll know soon enough.
I open my eyes to see that Maggie’s expression has changed, looking rather surprised, and raising my hopes some. It seems that she heard me, as she makes a slight nod, then sighs, looking a bit more relaxed. Her eyes fall on Cent, and the corners of her lips lift a bit.
Your friend is funny.
Now I’m perplexed. Well, that was fast. In only two minutes, she figured out how to not only read my mind, but now she can talk telepathically to me? God, I feel my human assets dwindling by the second the longer I am in her company, as she seems totally oblivious to the fact that she, in actuality, is no longer a human being. She is a new race, a new species.
She is a Jeweloid.
"Alright, there you go Jintez."
I look over and see the man who the other voice belongs to, a doctor, standing up, taking supplies with him. I carefully lift my hand, touching the bandage. Wow, I'd been so distracted that I didn't even notice him bandaging me up. Slowly, I lift my head up, finally able to see the extent of the bloody scene. My face falls slightly as I think about it.
That must have really scared Maggie.
That it did.
My eyes widen, looking up to see I'm now at eye level with Maggie. I have a feeling she's enjoying this new found ability too much. I grin bitter sweetly. "Sorry for scaring you," I apologize earnestly.
"Sorry for bashing you into a wall," she replies with a grimace.
I chuckle, and nod at her response.
Apology accepted. I think the reply intuitively. For the first time, a small grin creeps across her face at the sound of my voice trailing my mind.
As is yours.
Her voice sounds so clear in my mind, I wonder why she only seems to do it with me. I look over at Kasami.
"Can you hear her?" I ask.
"I don't have the Ability of Mind," Kasami replies, "I have the Ability of Body."
"What do you mean?" Maggie asks.
"Well, there are different trait groups that each Jeweloids are put into. One has to do with ability of Mind or Body," Kasami explains, "For instance, you obviously have the Ability of Mind. This allows you to hear thoughts, use telepathy, and in battle, shuffle thoughts and memories to confuse your enemy if you’re advanced enough."
Maggie blinks.
That sounds . . . so cool.
Why is it that I expected that from her?
"How do you shuffle thoughts and memories?" Maggie asks.
"I don't know, again, I have the Ability of Body, not Mind." Kasami replies with a small chuckle, "The Ability of Body allows for advanced healing, and speed, and in battle, extreme strength."
"I thought all Jeweloids were strong," Cent comments.
"Yes, but my strength in battle is double or triple a Jeweloid who has the Ability of Mind," Kasami answers.
"Nice," Maggie comments without thinking.
She seems to be getting into this, oddly enough.
"Major."
We all blink in surprise, turning to see Anyola in the doorway.
Huh, she always seems to escape my mind.
"Anyola, what is it?" Kasami asks, grinning as he sees her.
"The Commander has ordered that the Jeweloid be moved to the Power Processor at once," Anyola replies, her tone almost lifeless.
Kasami's eyes widen in alarm.
"What?" Kasami responds, obviously caught off guard, "But she hasn't been debriefed or even made clear of her situation yet."
"He said to return to that step once we have her power under control," she answers, as she glances at each of us. She looks at Maggie, and the connection sends a chill down Maggie's spine, the dull sensation present in me as well for some odd reason. Her heart beat picks up again, worrying me.
Calm down, she's not going to hurt you.
Maggie glances over at me, her eyes searching mine as she watches me stand up. After a moment, she hesitantly nods, relaxing some.
It's now I hear a gasp, and turn, just as Anyola appears right in front of me.
"Oh my, Isugoro, what happened to you?!" she asks, apparently worried about my condition.
"Uh, Anyola, you already knew about my gash -" I start.
"Yes, but now it's even worse!" Anyola says, before her attention turns on Maggie. Her eyes narrow, the dark green as thorny as her icy tone when she speaks, "You did this to him again? Why?!"
Maggie shrinks some. "I-I-I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to-" Maggie stutters.
"Likewise, you don't think it was your fault," Anyola says, her composure startling in comparison to when I first met her. Unlike before when she was rather normal, if not a bit shy at first, she’s now serious and almost scary, her expression an undaunted frown, emotionless. "Jeweloids never take the blame for their own doing, it's always the same with your species -" she continues to demean.
"Anyola!" I snap, fed up with her harsh words, "Shut it!"
Anyola jolts in surprise, meeting my gaze with a shaken stare. Without warning, my balance gives some, my head still clouded somewhat. I stumble into the bed, but Maggie subconsciously moves to catch me before my legs give. I look up at her, thanking her with a warm grin. Though my grin fades as I see the confusion in her eyes. She doesn't understand Anyola's words.
Species . . . I'm human. . . . Since when am I a different species? . . .
My brow furrows as her words sink in. "Maggie. . . ." I trail.
"Isugoro, stop."
I blink and look over my shoulder at Anyola, recomposed as she stands nearby staring us down. I straighten a bit so that Maggie is harder for Anyola to see, returning her stare. "What do you mean?" I ask, "Besides that, why did you say to Maggie? She -"
"Did no one tell you?" Anyola interrupts, "Soldiers are not to call Jeweloids by their human name. They are to be addressed under the name given to them once they are registered. You’re breaking a law, Isugoro."
"But she hasn't been registered," Cent comments, his tone expressing just how annoyed he feels by her blatant bullying.
"Yes, but you still cannot call her by her human name," Anyola replies, "She lost it once she became a different species."
Maggie’s breathe catches for a moment, her eyes widening as Anyola’s words sink further than they have before. "What . . ?" Maggie trails.
My brow falls, the annoyance morphing into anger as my stare starts to turn into a glare. "Stop saying that," I say.
"What? I'm only using the terms that consist with a Jeweloid, nothing more," Anyola replies, unmoved by my command.
"Unfortunately Jintez, Anyola is right. Human soldiers are not allowed to address Jeweloids by their human name," Kasami comments.
Anyola grins some, probably feeling victorious. I can tell we’re not going to get along too well.
"Then what do we call her?" Cent asks, "She's not registered yet."
"You'll call her Jeweloid 009; that is her given number," Anyola replies, "Now, she must be moved to the Power Processor immediately."
It's now that I feel something take hold of my sleeve. I turn slightly, my eyes widening to see Maggie's hand clenched tight to me, her hand, no, body shaking. I look at her face and see she’s now snow white, her eyes shifting between Anyola and the floor. She's scared of Anyola, it's easy to tell. I watch her a bit longer before I return my gaze to Anyola, who seems to have noticed the short exchange. Without realizing what I'm doing, I take Maggie's other hand in mine, and squeeze it tight, getting her attention.
Like I said, she won't hurt you . . . Just follow her but don’t listen to what she says, her words are hollow. It's alright, you'll be ok . . . I promise. . . .
Maggie's eyes widen, surprised that I was able to get into her head so easily. She nods once, before two Jeweloids enter the room, coming to the other side of the bed, turning off the monitors. As they removing her IVs, I keep a hold on her hand, sending short comfort messages to keep her calm. She reacts well, and even though she doesn’t verbally reply, I can tell she appreciates my actions by how she holds my hand. It’s tight, but gentle, relaying a trust I somehow gained in our short meetings. A few minutes later, the two Jeweloids carefully help her off the bed and carry her to where a wheelchair is waiting, but she refuses, wanting to walk on her own. I stand by them, and as soon as they release her, she reaches for my arm to steady herself. I step in before anyone can intervene, making her happy as she leans into me.
Standing in front of her now, I find my assumptions about right; she’s about a foot shorter than me, but she holds herself very gracefully, reminding me of a ballet dancer. She looks up at me and sneaks a smile, causing a strange jolt as I return a small grin. A moment passes before she steps to the side, taking a position so that I may escort her where ever they’re trying to take her. She slips her slim arm through the hole my bent arm makes, hanging a bit on me so she doesn’t have to worry about standing on her full weight. I grin as I watch her adjust, the sight reminding me of happier days. I then glance over at Kasami, and he grins too, but something about his eyes worries me. They look sad.
I try to brush off the sight, but I soon realize why he looked so pain. As we walk through the threshold, Anyola steps directly me, causing me to pause as I’m caught off guard. Once that happens, the two Jeweloids that had been flanking us pull Maggie from my grip, herding her quickly away before either of us are able to process what just happened. Immediately, Maggie starts fighting, trying to fight their hold. She looks back over her shoulder, meeting my eyes as I still fight my confusion. “I-Isugoro?!” Maggie cries, her voice carrying fear.
Once I gain my bearings, I try to follow them, but Kasami pulls me back. I whip around, but am caught by his saddened expression, tired as he holds me in place. "Unfortunately Jintez, this process is something you can't be a part of. The Power Processor is a place where Jeweloids are made safe by the standards of Gelus," Kasami says.
"What do you mean?" I ask, still hearing Maggie crying my name. I look back over my shoulder as I hear a sharp cry, seeing that one of the Jeweloids has picked her up off the ground to keep her from trying to run away. She flails, but in comparison to them, she’s basically powerless, her only weapon being her wails. My expression contorts in pain, fighting every urge to follow after them. Even Cent has to hold me back, putting a hand on my shoulder to distract me as her voice dies out.
"Basically, her powers will be put under control," Kasami sums up, keeping his eyes to the ground as he tries to ignore her dying pleas.
I don’t answer immediately, still trying to keep my composure. "But why can't I go?" I reply, my tone a bit quieter than before.
"Because, in the process, there is a limit where the Jeweloid may or may not go into a state of confusion or even slight criminal insanity. It's caused by the type of radiation that their power shocks leave over, as well as stress," Anyola explains, "At that time, she will lose the ability to make clear decisions, and make the choice between right and wrong. She may even perceive you as an enemy, and might attack. Only when the Jeweloid that's ordained to watch is able to see a steady and controlled pattern of her power will the state begin to fade off."
My eyes widen in alarm. What the Hell?! That sounds like torture!
"She's already hit him with all she's got, so what's the big deal?" Cent asks, finally speaking up.
"In that state, not only will her power be at its peak, but for a brief time, her physical abilities will be online, and she will understand them. That means, if she perceives you as an enemy, she can use her Ability of Mind against you, as well as her strength, and . . . she may even be able to pull her Soul Weapon out on you," Anyola replies.
"Soul Weapon?" I repeat.
"Yes, it's the weapon that forms from our controlled power. It's the main way Jeweloids use their power," Kasami replies, "For example."
Suddenly, Kasami begins to glow a weird gold hue, putting his hand out. Without warning, a long, yellow harpoon appears in his hand, freaking out Cent. "Wh-What the -" Cent starts.
"This is my Soul Weapon, Lulu," Kasami says as he holds it out for us to examine.
"Lulu?" I repeat.
"Jeweloids name their Soul Weapon, usually having to do with their past or home," Anyola explains, rolling her eyes slightly.
"Lulu; Honolulu was the capital of Hawaii," Kasami says, "Hawaii was my home."
"Oh, I see. . . ." I trail, "So, will Maggie's be a harpoon?"
"Might be, all of them are different. Like for instance, do you remember QUARTZ, the Jeweloid you saw during your tour?" Kasami says.
"Yes," Cent says quickly.
Yup, seems she’s still on his mind.
"That bazooka was her Soul Weapon," Kasami answers.
Our eyes widen. Holy crap, that thing was huge! That was hers?!
"I believe QUARTZ named it "Bessy," Anyola comments, "I'm not aware if it stands for anything."
"Yes, but you get the point. So what this means is that Maggie may be a threat, and in all honesty, in that moment, when she knows just how to use her powers. . . . She can . . . and will kill you," Kasami says, becoming uncharacteristically serious.
I gulp, an immense feeling of worry consuming me. It’s not for my safety, but Maggie's. She'll be scared out of her wits, especially after her Insanity State kicks in. Not to mention that since she’s as powerful as I already know she is, it sounds like her experience will be even more extreme than normal. I want to be with her. . . .
Holy crap, what is happening to me?
End of chapter
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There are a few issues with this paragraph in particular. The first is that passing out due to blood loss isn't a sudden occurrence. I've come close to it a few times myself, so I can say from personal experience that there are very obvious symptoms of things being wrong before passing out happens. One of the first things to go is your vision, which starts blurring before it goes dark and you start seeing bright dots of light everywhere (aka, seeing stars). Right around the time your vision starts going, your ears start ringing like crazy, and it gets to the point where you can't hear anything, not even your own thoughts. Your sense of balance goes as well, and the world starts reeling in random directions, which makes you even more nauseous on top of the nausea resulting from the blood loss itself. Depending on how much blood you're losing and how quickly, passing out might not seem to take a long time to an outside observer, but it feels like an eternity to the one experiencing it, and since this is from Goro's viewpoint, there should be more time spent on the effects of the blood loss than there is.
With that said, tying back into my review on the previous chapter, right after Maggie starts talking is the ideal place to end the scene and insert Kasami and Cent's conversation, which you could then tie into the action directly by showing how they react to Goro passing out from blood loss. It would also be a way to show how Maggie interacts with people other than Goro, as well has how she reacts to emergency situations, like people passing out from blood loss right in front of her.
The best way to transition the scene would be to end with what Maggie said and kill the dialogue tag, like so:
Showing multiple perspectives on the same events opens up a lot of possibilities for characterizing your characters, especially ones who might not otherwise get a moment to shine, like Kasami. These multiple perspectives also make the story a bit more interesting because it opens up room for interpretation of events, the characters, and their significance, instead of having them stated in the narration itself. It's a more subtle way of showing instead of telling, and it's very effective for crafting a more engaging story while also conveying a lot of information.
Here is the last review from me this week for you! After this I need to rush to support my team with other reviews!
Let’s talk about character believability for a moment. For a start, let’s go with Maggie.
She says..."I must of gone insane...yeah, or...Maybe Charlie is playing a trick on me..."...
Let’s ignore spelling errors here. Someone in a state of panic will clutch onto the nearest rational explanation acceptable, and rational is even omittable. Once Maggie gets onto the idea that this is all a trick, realistically should not she begin to call out on Charlie for his trick? She should be calling out to him to let him know SHE KNOWS!!
About the MC Goro.
..."Yes, it stuck. But Maggie, please listen, and don't freak out on me. I already need stitches, I'd rather not need to go get a surgery for a broken limb." I comment...
Goro, true to his form, should add a quip as to why it stuck, something humorous to try to get into the confidence of his patient.
Look through the rest of the dialogue, of which there is quite a bit, and try to find realistic words and reactions for them. Like as in two chapters ago. Goro has a desire to do the right thing. Harp on that.
Great piece! Deserves...ONE more like!
Hey Serene!
The further I dive into the story, the less I have to complain about in my reviews. I am glad to see this story has improved so much from the first awkward chapter, and that's without my reviews even being taken into account yet.
I'm loving the soul weapon idea. The more I'm hearing of these Jeweloid's, the more I'm loving the idea of this species. And they don't forget that they were once human because they even name their soul weapon after a past time. Great affect there, and I'm loving the storyline. I'm starting to wonder what Anyola's problem is... Oh and I don't believe I told you how much I like their unique names ^^
Alas, a run on sentence. You do tend to use a lot of commas, so I could see it happening at some point. A run on sentence is basically when you use too many commas and not enough full stops. The sentence end but you just keep continuing it. In this case I would put the full stop after bpm. And the quick needs to be quickly for it to flow smoothly. Just keep an eye out for run on sentences in the future.
One thing I have noticed is that when you like a term, you tend to use it an awful lot. For example you continuously mention Cent and Jintez's eyes widening. It's a great action to show surprise or some other emotions. But don't be afraid to shake it up a bit in the vocab range - no reader likes the same old same old. Use different actions instead.
Also, thank you very much for clearing up the name thing. I wondered why he was sometimes Goro and sometimes Jintez. And for Cent too. I was going to mention it, but you did a good job of clearing it up.
This is a very common mistake. I make it quite often too xD The of should be have.
That's all from me. On to the next...
Deanie x
Yay

Thanks so much for the info about the run on sentence, I'll fix it
And that of/have thing gets me a lot XDD
Yeah, I can't recall what gave me the idea for the Soul Weapon thing, but it's been there since the get-go of the storyline ^^
Thanks!
~Maddie
So, I'm not even sure if you want me to do this all the time. I can still review... But I don't have to point out the grammar errors if you don't want me to. I know I kind of sound like an nagging English teacher, but hey. So you tell me.
Oh, and I just had an idea! I can put the grammar critiques in a spoiler thing. That, way you can read it if you want, but it's not in the way. I think that one is a good idea. I'll try it here.
Spoiler
~ I think 'keeled' was meant to be 'kneeled'? But I'm not sure why it says 'kneeled' is spelled wrong. I thought that was the right spelling. Anyway, keeled is a word, but it means a boat capsizing. Did you mean to spell it as keeled?
~ Edit: wits
And now for the rest of the review.
I really liked this part. I like how you included her previous home's slang. That's some good planning and character building there. May I ask how you plan out your story; what methods or strategies?
That's pretty much it for the review. It would have been longer, but my laptop died and I lost my word document with the info typed on it. It's getting late where I live, so I rushed to get whatever I could remember (and what was already auto-saved) into this.
So sorry about that, and also that this wasn't that good of a review. I'm pretty tired, but I wanted to get this review out tonight, like I said in the previous chapter. Maybe I can edit it tomorrow and put the other things into this. Thanks and happy writing!
To be perfectly honest, I have no real set way of creating my storylines. Ideas for my stories come in waves, here, I'll give an example;
I have a total of 21 stories nowadays (I think too much XD), and every month, I usually go through at least one "story high", which is when I'm totally invested in writing and drawing a certain story and nothing else. Last month, the story that I was invested in was one of my oldest stories, but one I hadn't really looked at, my only Vampire story, Scarlet Secrets. I did a 150 manga on it in two weeks, went through two and a half sketch books before I came down from the high.
LAPIS and it's plot was created from about 2 or 3 highs, the first being when I first came up with the idea last summer, the second being when I actually drew out the characters, their relationships, and more of the actual reason and story, and the third was when I finalized everything, and added in my two sides (that's right, Cent and Sammy weren't around until I wrote out the intro, cause I needed to have Isugoro explain his dream to someone, and I wanted to give Maggie a confidant later on).
Everything else is just me coming up with random ideas, and placing them where I see fit ^^
I'm glad you like it!
That's really cool! I would love to make my stories a manga also. The only thing stopping me is my horrible drawing skills. :/ Thanks for sharing that with me! I'm currently trying to find a new way to plan my stories.
Yeah, I'm weird like that XD
It's not too hard to draw, you just have to keep at it.
And I looked into the snowflake planning process, seems interesting ^^