LAPIS :Chapter 26:

by SereneSimpliciT

Published December 30, 2014

12+ Language

In LAPIS

"Watch your back!" Marcus yells from across the room. At that very second, an assistant appears behind me, aiming for a sharp jab to my side. I react quickly, jumping in a half turn so to dodge, and catch sight of my attacker. He looks determined as he comes at me, trying to land a high kick on my cheek, but I block with my forearm. In a swift movement, I throw my weight around, and land a hard punch to his jaw while he's pulling his foot back, throwing him off his feet. As soon as he hits the padding, Hannah blows a whistle, identifying that our match is over. I grin.

"I win," I chuckle.

The assistant stares up at me grimly for a moment, then chuckles, his expression cracking into a smile, "Dammit, I thought I had you this time."

I offer him a hand, and he grasps it firmly, using my strength to pull himself up. As he comes back to his feet, he shrugs, a real laugh escaping his lips. "Seriously, we were tied. You couldn't have just let me win the match?" he asks jokingly.

"If he had, I would of beat him to the edge of death," Marcus comments as he walks over to us, looking to both of us before his eyes rest on me, "Good, you're beginning to master Jeweloid techniques in terms of basic combat."

"Thank you-" I start.

"Now comes the hard part," he interrupts.

My eyes widen in surprise. "H-Hard part?" I stutter.

"Yes, it's an interesting combination of words, isn't it?"

The familiar voice silences all of us, and at once, we each turn to see a woman standing in the doorway of Marcus' training room. Unlike our previous encounters, she wears an official Jeweloid uniform, the black fabric and padding covering the major parts of her body, causing her bright features to stand out even more so than before. Her usual confident, but kind smirk is fixed in place on her face, giving me an odd nostalgic feeling, even though in reality it hasn't been that long since I last saw her. It seems she feels the same way as I do, cause as soon as our eyes meets, her eyes brighten in excitement.

"SUGILITE, you made it," Marcus says, unaware I know her.

She laughs, stepping forward a bit, "Dude, you know I hate when you call me by code." After a moment, her eyes shift from Marcus to me, and she chuckles. "What should I be called, blondie?" she asks, a warmth infused with her sarcasm that causes me to smile.

"Savannah," I reply.

Her smirk turns into a cheesy smile, "Exactly! Someone has a good memory!" As if I was her kid brother, as soon as she reaches me, she takes me into a headlock and begins to mess up my hair. Laughs escape both of us.

Marcus stands there in confusion. "Wait, how do you two know each-" he starts.

"He's one of my short-lived Detention buddies!" Savannah says as we straighten, "I messed with him a lot."

"And you got me with a right hook-" I add.

"Oh shut it," she shushes me playfully, punching me soft in the arm.

Apparently no one had told Marcus about my time in the Detention Sector, 'cause he looks shocked as Savannah's words register in his mind. He looks at both of us, then finally sets his eyes on her. "You already used that part of your ability on him?" he questions her.

She nods, "Yeah, so?"

"Why didn't you tell me that?" Marcus asks, suddenly annoyed.

"Because I didn't think it mattered," Savannah replies, apparently confused, though probably not as much as I am. I have no idea what they're talking about. Savannah tilts her head, "What? Is there a problem?"

"Savannah!" Marcus shouts, "Because you did that, I can't properly teach him the mind part of Jeweloid combat!"

I blink. What?

Savannah rolls her eyes, obviously not phased by Marcus' growing temper. "Hey, don't blame me. The guy already had a fortress in his head," she replies, "And that girl he used to hang around helped his awareness."

"What are you talking about?" I question finally. Both of them look at me, then to each other in perfect sync. Then, as they had every move, they mirror a shrug.

"Jeweloids fight on two levels; physical and mental," Savannah explains, then gestures to Marcus, "Marcus is an expert at physical Jeweloid combat. He knows almost any move and there counters."

"Whereas Savannah is the expert when it comes to mental Jeweloid combat," Marcus continues, "Knowing her, she used a mental combat move on you right before she punched you in the Detention Sector, just to stun you for a moment. Though, since you're a Human, you probably didn't notice a thing."

My eyes widen as I think back to the gang up. Savannah was the last thing I saw before I blacked out, and when I did see her . . . it was strange. Time slowed in a way.

I look to Savannah, thinking out loud, "Did you slow my brain activity?"

Her eyes widen now, stunned. Even Marcus looks surprised by my comment, making me feel a bit awkward. Then, Savannah breaks it, suddenly starting into a laughing fit, clutching her gut as she keels over. Marcus and I just stand there a bit bewildered by her reaction. Then, she whips back up, her bright purple locks bouncing around her face. "H-How do you do that?" she shouts, still cackling to herself, "You always explain my actions in such simplistic ways!"

"Wait, I'm right?" I reply.

"For once, yes," Marcus says, apparently taken back by my quick analysis, "Mental combat consists of a Jeweloid's ability to control the functions of the mind. Savannah, for example, is very good with control of the nervous system reaction triggers. By using her Ability of Mind, she's able to block off the sensors in the mind that cause the body to react to something."

I look at him lost, causing him to groan. Savannah giggles, "In simple terms, I can slow, stop, or fasten the part of the brain that controls your understanding of what's happening, and your reactions in response to that understanding."

I'm still a bit confused, but at least I pick up the gist.

I nod, allowing her to continue on. "Now then-" she starts.

"Excuse me."

Again, all of us are caught off guard. This time though, I'm the one who turns first, my eyes widening in greater shock as I recognize who it is.

"Syria?" I call.

Seeing that it's me, she smiles, her shoulders falling some as she seems to relax. Marcus steps forward. "What do you want?" he asks.

"I was told to fetch Mr. Jintez," she replies, looking to me, "You're needed by my doctor for some tests."

"Tests?" I repeat, unsure of what she's talking about.

"Well, go find out!" Savannah says, taking my arm, then using her strength to throw me towards the door. Luckily, I'm able to keep my footing, and I stumble to a stop, looking up to see Syria a few feet ahead. Her hand covers her mouth, her eyes showing amusement as she mutes a laugh. I grin as I stand, looking back to see Savannah waving at me. "Go get the tests done, then come right back!" she calls.

I nod. "Alright," I answer, before turning to look at Syria's familiar face, "Let's go."

She grins, "Ok, just follow me."

With that, she leads me out of the training room, then out of the Jeweloid sector altogether. As we continue on, I make out that we're not anywhere close to the medical center, causing confusion to gradually grow in me. "Uh, Syria?" I comment.

"Mhmm?" she asks, looking over shoulder to look at me.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"To get the tests," she replies with a smile.

"But the center isn't in this direction," I comment, gesturing the other way, "It was down the hall about five minutes back."

After a short pause, a smile rises to Syria's face, and she chuckles, “I was waiting to see how long it took you to figure out something was up."

I blink, "Huh?"

A bright laughs escapes her lips, "Dr. Stronos told me to come get you, but said to wait until you were done with your training session."

"But that wouldn't be for at least another two hours," I point out.

"Exactly," she replies.

My brow furrows, confusion taking me as I question her, "Exactly, what?"

She laughs a bit harder, apparently amused by my uncertainty. "Now, we can take the long way, and chat for a bit," she explains, "I haven't seen you since before you left the Detention Sector, and that was some time ago."

"It hasn't been that long," I comment.

"You were let out the eighth of Lux, Isugoro," she chuckles, "That was about two and a half months ago."

My eyes widen. "Seriously?" I blurt without thinking.

"Yes," she answers with a smile, "Nathan has asked me about you."

I grin as she brings up Nathan, COBALT as I used to know him. "How is he?" I ask.

She smiles, "He's well. Just as obnoxious as usual."

I laugh, "Is he still causing trouble for Mally and Eriks?"

"He's not himself if he isn't," she comments, before her expression fades into something more serious, ". . . He told me that you know . . . about us."

Immediately, I tense a bit, realizing what she means. She and Nathan are defying the Law of Gelus, and are in a romantic relationship. It's been so long since I've seen either of them that the issue had been tucked in the back of my mind. Though, I think it was more on purpose than on accident.

"Yes. . . ." I trail, "But I promised him I'd keep it to myself. I'd rather not know what the superiors would do if you were found out."

Her brow furrows a bit, though she doesn't say anything, leaving the only our footsteps to make conversation. In the distance I hear voices, but in the hall we're currently walking, there's no one to be seen. I've never been through this area, I wonder what's done in this section.

"It happened on accident, to be frank," Syria laughs, recapturing my attention, "I thought Nathan was an arrogant dick when I first met him. He acted like he was above the other Jeweloids, and talked like he was a big shot. It wasn't 'til I actually started talking to him that I came to realize that he was brought up to act like that, so he didn't know how he came off."

"What caused you two to get together?" I ask bluntly.

Syria doesn't respond quickly, looking to be searching her thoughts for a good reply. Then, she sighs, "When he made me his partner, I was made to spend basically all my time with him. Due to that, I started to know him on a much more personal level. He told me about himself, his past. . . . I was there with him when he found out what happened to his father. . . ."

I sense my expression become a bit saddened as I recall Nathan telling me about his father committing suicide. He seemed so pained by it, and it was worse because Nathan blamed himself for it happening. Syria nods a bit, then continues, "That really got to him, and when that occurred, I saw a lot of Nathan that no one else has ever seen. I think it was then that I realized I was falling for him . . . but I decided to ignore my feelings. Like you, I had had the Law beaten into my mind, so I was too scared to do anything."

I nod, totally understanding where she’s coming from. I don’t have romantic feelings for Maggie, but my relationship with her so far has been continuously made harder by the social standards of Gelus. I’m looked at as an idiot simply because I’m kind to her. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have loving feelings despite it being a sin in the eyes of most. The fact that she can persevere through such a thought is impressive to me. I grimace some, then glance back at her. "So what changed?" I ask.

She grins a bit. "Well, a month or so before he had been locked up, there was decent sized enemy invasion nearby. Because we were the closest base, we were sent in to help take down the Noxcus. Nathan and I were sent to the front lines due to his profound Ability of Mind . . . but while fighting, I got hit," Syria explains, "I fell down, and a Noxcus almost got a final blow, but Nathan saved me. . . . He used flash to get me out of there, but before we could get out of the battle zone, we got ambushed by a good six or seven Noxcus. If I hadn't been injured as badly as I was, Nathan could have taken them out, but he was more concerned about keeping me safe than taking on the Noxcus. . . ."

As she speaks, I see her cheeks reddening, embarrassed as she recalls the events. "One of them had one of those energy blaster things, I can never remember the exact name, but it aimed it at me. . . . Nathan took the hit instead," she trails, chuckling, "I still can't believe I did it, but when he was on top of me, shielding me with his body . . . with the strength I had, I sat myself up and kissed him."

My eyes widen, "Are you serious?"

She nods, her face now bright red, "I surprised him, but he kissed me back . . . and through his kiss, he was able to heal me, as corny as that sounds."

"What?" I shout, causing her to laugh.

"Yes, Isugoro," she giggles, smiling, "But with that boost, he and I took out the Noxcus that had ambushed us. Then, while we were still alone, we exchanged our feelings, and then we decided that we wanted to stay together . . . that we'd just keep it to ourselves."

Once she says that, she falls quiet for some time, apparently thinking of the events that followed the last scene she described to me, her brow knitted as she continues forward. Finally, after watching her like this for a good few minutes, I take her by the shoulder, and pull her gently to a stop. My action catches her by surprise, her expression clearing as she meets my eyes with her warm brown stare.

Gazing down at her, I make a realization I'd never had before; she’s very beautiful. The way she wears her ebony bangs frames her face perfectly, and her skin is a lovely dark tan that causes her to stand out among the majority with a paler complexion. She's not too slim, but not too curvy either, and from my assuming, I say she's of good height, maybe 5'7" - 5'8". Her eyes are warm, but show heart and subtle hints of confidence, allowing one to speculate well about her mindset on life.

I may not know her that well, hell, this is only our second time really speaking to each other, but I feel like I understand her better than most here. She, like me, was probably introduced to Jeweloids early on in her career here at Gelus, so it's easy to think she does have a similar way of thinking on what happens here. Not to mention she's taking the chance to be with Nathan, someone that I can tell just by looking at her means the world to her. She's brave, strong-minded, and dedicated.

She's the kind of person I strive to be.

"Syria, listen to me, no one else knows about you and Nathan," I say reassuringly, "I won't say anything about it, so what you need to focus on now is when he'll be released from the Detention Sector."

Slowly, a bitter sweet grin rises on her face, a small laugh escaping her lips. "Oh, Isugoro . . . Nathan hasn't been given a release date."

"Still?" I question, perplexed.

"No . . . I'm beginning to think they'll never let him go-" she starts.

"Hey, hey, don't talk like that," I cut her off, "They can't hold him forever, Syria."

"They can, actually," she laughs ironically, "Jeweloids don't have rights like you and I, Isugoro. They aren't promised anything, they're lives are determined by filthy hands."

I watch her a moment, stumped by her words. I hadn't thought about any of these things since Maggie left a couple weeks ago. Marcus hadn't allowed me chance, since he started me on a stricter, longer training routine the day after she left.

Suddenly, I see tears forming on the rims of her eyes, and under my hold on her shoulder, I feel her beginning to shake. My brow furrows at the sight. "Syria-" I begin.

"He keeps saying the same thing . . ." she interrupts, a tear escaping her lashes, "He says . . . "The day I leave here is the day I die." What the hell is that, Isugoro?"

My eyes widen. Those were the exact words I last heard as I was being escorted out of the group cell. I thought I had been just imagining hearing Nathan's energetic tone turned weak. I didn't want to believe I heard him like that.

More tears fall down her face, and before I realize what's happening, she has her arms wrapped around me, crying quietly into my chest.

Why does this keep happening to me?

Before long, I sigh, and I hug her, though it's nothing like how I used to hold Maggie when she was upset. Syria's embrace tightens though, and her trembling worsens as she cries harder, "I love him, Isugoro . . . I don't know what to do."

Her words cause an unexpected pain in me. It's nothing like jealousy, or envy. If anything, it's closest to sympathy. Yet, saying that, I know this feeling is not that, only causing me further confusion. Though, I ignore the feeling as I answer her slowly, ". . . Unfortunately, I'm not well versed in love. I haven't been for many years . . . But, I can say that Nathan does love you. That's easy to see." She relaxes her hold a bit, prompting me to continue. "Syria, you can't let him affect the way you think, even though you do feel that way about him. It's your warmth and strength that he adores. If you allow your worries to take over your life, than you'll both lose yourselves," I say, loosening my hold a bit, "Then, think about it, who will you two be? What will there be to love then?"

She lifts her head to meet my eyes, looking a bit taken back. "But the Law-" she starts.

"You two decided to take that chance, Syria," I interrupt, "Now, it's your responsibility to protect each other . . . to save each other."

Her eyes widen as my words register in her mind. Then, unexpectedly, a strong smile appears on her face, and she hugs me tight, though instead of being sad, her embrace is strong and warm. I grin a bit, holding her a bit tighter, before she pulls away, wiping away her tears as she steps back. A small laugh escapes her lips, light and airy and she meets my eyes again. ". . . Your eyes look like the sea after a storm," she comments quietly, "Strong and raging, yet somehow calm."

"I'll take that as a compliment," I chuckle.

"That's what I meant by it," she replies. Slowly, her eyes cool, and she makes a comment, “I can see why that girl needs you. You’re very good to talk to when upset.”

A strange mix of emotions spark in me. My brow furrows slightly, and she notices. Syria sighs slightly, grimacing, “You care for her a lot, don’t you?”

My stomach ties, unsure how to respond to her question. I avert my gaze, a strange haze falling over my mind. Syria seems a bit concerned by my silence, trying to meet my eyes. I turn away some, before my shoulders slump, and I speak quietly, “As a friend, I do.”

She seems a bit surprised by the words I chose, before a small grin forms on her face. She speaks as quietly, “You sound like me.”

Her words bring my thoughts to an abrupt halt. She sees herself in me, what is she implying by that? I know she’s talking about my relationship with Maggie, but she can’t truly believe that our positions are the same, can she? I told myself I’d never be tempted by such things. I care about Maggie, I do admit that, but beyond that-

Dammit, I can’t think like this!

I can’t assume that there may be something more, there isn’t! We’re just friends-

My gut sinks deeper the farther I try to argue with myself. It knots as alarms go off in my mind. I need to stop. I shake my head, and simply look at Syria. Her eyes read mine, and she seems to understand.

She doesn’t say anything more.

"Imagine all the people, sharing all the world. You-oo-oo oo oo, You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one . . ."

I'm taken by surprise as I hear a voice, a young girl's, flowing through the air. It's clear and strong, yet carries a youthful quality I never expected to hear here. I turn without thinking, and am startled by the sight.

A girl, maybe no older than thirteen, is walking out a room further down the hall, humming a song to herself. Her short hair is bright red, even brighter than Cent's. I catch a glimpse of her eyes, causing a sinking feeling in me. They're red as well, matching the distinct tattooing on her cheeks.

She's a Jeweloid.

"W . . . What is a girl her age-" I start as I watch the girl disappear into another room.

"That's RUBY, you haven't heard about her?" Syria asks, surprise in her tone, "She’s one of the youngest Jeweloids here."

"One of?" I repeat, looking back at her, "You mean there are more her age?"

"The youngest Jeweloid on record I believe was nine, but unfortunately, he didn't make it," Syria says shyly, "The youngest Jeweloids that have been in battle were twelve."

"T-Twelve?!" I shout, prompting Syria to cover my mouth to silence me.

She pulls over a bit so that we're hidden from RUBY's view as she walks back into the hall, retracing her steps into the other room. As soon as her steps vanish, and a click, Syria releases me, sighing. "I thought Kasami would've told you about the younger ones by now, especially her."

"RUBY?" I question.

Syria nods, looking at me almost as if she thinks I'm dumb. "Of course, she is first Jeweloid ever discovered," she says almost too casually.

I'm caught by surprise, and my breath catches in my throat, causing me to cough roughly. Syria watches me perplexed as I try to regulate my breathing, looking back at her. "S-She's like thirteen!" I gasp.

"She looks thirteen, you mean," Syria replies, "The last date she recalls being human is in June of 1985. In retrospect, she's 1,026 years old I believe. She's only aged about two years even though she's been around about ten."

How can she speak about the numbers so casually?

"That Maggie girl was about-" she starts.

No, stop. I don't want to hear this.

"Ok, I don't need to know," I interrupt quickly, putting my hands up, "It'll just make it weird."

A smirk quickly forms on Syria's face, "You think Maggie is pretty?"

"She is pretty!" I reply, before I add quickly, "T-That's what everyone says, anyway."

"Sorry, I won't ruin your crush on her," she laughs, causing me to sigh.

"I don't have a crush on her," I retort, not wanting to go back to my jumble of thoughts again.

Syria seems to understand my reasons to argue, but speaks anyway, "That's what you say now. I didn't think I had a crush on Nathan, but look at me now! I'm in an illegal relationship that now can't be broken."

My brow rises in confusion, "What do you mean?"

Red rises in her cheeks, and she turns away, "N-Nothing, I don't even know what I meant by that."

I blink, still a bit puzzled by her words, but I don't question her further. In the distance, I hear RUBY start to sing again, repeating the same melody as before. I look in the direction, and my curiosity gets to me. "Why is she singing?" I ask.

"This is the Jeweloid activity area," Syria replies, "When Jeweloids have time off, they come here and have the opportunity to relax with other Jeweloids."

"Such a place exists?" I question.

She nods with a smile, "Yes, the former superior of the Jeweloid sector added the program right before he was basically evicted from his position by the Commander."

"He never did tell me what happened," I mumble to myself.

"Hmm?" Syria says, apparently not making out my words.

"Nothing," I reply, trying to return to the previous topic, "Do Jeweloids enjoy the arts a lot?"

"Yes, many of the Jeweloids are magnificent singers, others are great dancers," she says with a laugh, "Nathan never was really involved in that though, since he wasn't used to such things due to his upbringing. He and I normally just watched the performances."

"Performances?" I repeat.

"The Commander holds performances for dignified guests to Gelus. Normally, the Jeweloids will put forward a few acts, though it's the Commander who decides who'll go on," Syria explains, "It's sort of like his way of showing them off, but in a positive light. The Jeweloid performances are always the highlight of the show, and the Jeweloids involved all seem to enjoy the experience."

I grin, remembering something, "Has QUARTZ ever performed?"

Syria blinks, "QUARTZ? She can sing?"

"That's what she told Cent and I," I comment, "Though, she always mentioned that her best friend was better than her for some odd reason."

"Oh, maybe she doesn't want to sing without her friend," Syria comments, "Many Jeweloids keep things to themselves in a way to keep something of their past close to them. It's how they don't forget."

"Forget?" I ask.

"You'd be surprised . . . but unfortunately, many Jeweloids lose their memories of their lives before they were frozen by the end of their first year. Nathan is part of a dwindling percent that remembers something of their past selves after such a long stretch of time," Syria says with a sympathetic frown, "I wouldn't be surprised to find QUARTZ or RUBY have lost a good portion, if not all their memories of their families and friends."

A frown also sets on my face. The idea that Jeweloids have to go through such an experience is painful just to hear. I can't even imagine the struggle it must be to actually go through it. I'd be devastated.

"Syria?"

We both blink, looking over to see RUBY looking at us, now standing only a few feet away. Her sudden appearance causes us both to jolt in surprise, not expecting her to be so close. Though, unlike me, Syria looks happy, and she opens her arms.

"Anna!" Syria says with a laugh. Instantly, RUBY runs into her embrace, wrapping her arms tight around her waist as she pulls herself into her. Syria laughs, her hand naturally stroking RUBY's bright locks. "It's been a long time Anna, how are you?" she asks, calling RUBY obviously by her real name.

"Better now!" RUBY laughs, "I missed you a lot!"

Her expression is definitely one of a child, sending chills down my spine. Children shouldn’t have to be forced into the sinful world of war, no matter if they are a Jeweloid or a human. They aren’t able to understand half of the realities a soldier has to face every day. Why do they have to risk their lives for something they can’t comprehend? It’s torture.

I should know.

"I'm so sorry I haven't come to see you like I promised, COBALT has had me distracted," Syria laughs, her warmth taking me from my sour thoughts.

"I heard you two aren't partners anymore, is that true?" RUBY asks, a small pout forming.

"Yes, but I'm still keeping an eye on him, don't you worry," Syria replies with a smile, "In fact, he introduced me to my friend here."

She nods toward me, and RUBY's eyes land on me, blinking. I stand awkwardly, unsure what to do. "Uh . . ." I trail.

Suddenly, RUBY begins to laugh, releasing her hold on Syria. "Well, don't you look awkward," RUBY giggles, before she holds out a hand to me, "I'm Anna."

"Oh," I answer, taking hold of her hand and shaking it as Maggie as showed me, "I'm-"

"Isugoro Jintez, age: twenty," Anna interrupts, "You're actually almost twenty-one, aren't you? Your birthday is in two weeks."

My eyes widen in shock, "H-How did you-"

"She has an interesting Ability of Mind capability," Syria interrupts, explaining, "By touching someone, she can receive their name, age, birth date, and sense intentions."

"Uh, what do you mean intentions?" I ask.

“Like your goals,” Syria answers, her arms wrapping back around RUBY as she giggles, “She also has x-ray vision, and can infiltrate vision of another person.”

I go speechless. That is beyond anything I was expecting to hear.

"You're gonna be a partner?" Anna laughs, drawing me from my thoughts, "She looked really pretty!"

Syria blinks, then looks to me, "Partner?"

Oh yeah, no one knows about that yet.

"Um, y-yeah," I reply, taking my hand from Anna's grasp, "Maggie had brought it up, and I said I would if she wanted me to."

Syria watches me, her eyes searching mine. Then, she grins bitter sweetly, "So that's what he meant. . . ."

I blink, unsure what she means. But, she gives no other indication, both of us pulled away from the topic as Anna catches our attention, wanting to sing us the song she's learned the words to.

Before long, I find myself in a situation I never saw coming, watching Anna sing with Syria, who looks proud as she stares. Syria explains to me after that Anna had become like a little sister to her when she was in the Jeweloid program, and Nathan had acted as her brother. I smile at the idea, that the three of them have such a happy relationship, reminding me of what real family is like. Syria really is a wonderful person, I can see why Nathan was attracted to her.

Though, something tells me that the world Anna sang about, and the mirage that Syria and Nathan set . . . they aren't eternal things.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Deanie
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Deanie wrote a review Review · Feb 8, 2015

Hi Serene!

Me again :3 I have been around a bit today. I don't think this will be a very long review because in all honesty I don't really have much to say. This was a pretty flawless chapter in itself. And seeing as the majority of this was dialogue I only have a few points and they were ongoing through the chapter. And then I have a couple more nitpicks than usual. So here goes!

Let's start with what I liked. I liked the introduction of Anna to the story and the discovery that they were so young and still being made to fight. In actual years they are not so young anymore, but I think you got the point across. At some point Anna must've been thirteen and pretty much still expected to fight like the rest of the Jeweloids. Another thing which I am pretty impressed with is that in the previous review I mentioned wanting to have a recap or reappearance of characters from the Detention Center, and then here they were! Which was perfect and pretty impressive as well, because you yourself knew we would need the reminder about them. And it was nice to see how Syria and COBALT got together in the first place, it was a nice story to know and it also touched upon Isugoro and Maggie's relationship in a way. I liked this a lot.

I felt like it was a little bit of an infodump towards the end of the chapters. I think that is because you have a grouping habit going on with your chapters. You group the dialogue to a section, you group Syria's description and then you group the explanation as to why we get Jeweloid's so young and his thoughts. They are all in little pockets and they need a bit more inter-mixing if this is going to be to my liking. What I want to see is descriptions being slipped in amongst his thoughts, and for there to be some explanations intermingled with speech and thoughts. You don't usually talk, then think, then notice, then learn. You do a little bit of everything in one go, and that's what you need to bring across more in this chapter. It would seem less awkward and infodump-y this way. There would be more of a flow to it, and I would like it better if I wasn't able to label this with sections like I can right now.

I don't know what it is, but I feel like we are still getting superficial emotions in this chapter. I feel like everything still needs to dig a bit deeper for me to be satisfied when it comes to how Isugoro is feeling. When he is hearing all this shocking information about young Jeweloid's he is shouting and asking questions, but I wanted to see something... more. More thoughts, more actions of his body instead of simply dialogue as he processes this information coming through. I want to see him feel a bit more, like I think a realistic person would. He hears about the story but all he does is insert a few words here and there. If it was me I would be comparing their closeness to Maggie and his and wondering if they would ever end up that way (although he would clearly convince himself that they wouldn't.) When he sees Ruby I want to see him thinking about how wrong it would be for a child to go to war, and if that thought makes him sad, horrified at what the world has come to or simply angry. He has to feel more when it comes to things, and I need him to feel in his actions and thoughts and not just out loud in his dialogue. I know this is repetitive as well, but it would be one way to get rid of the stammering ;) I see its reappearance again...

Now for the nitpicks! I really didn't have much to say with the story...

If he had, I would of beat him to the edge of death


Of should be have.

there was decent sized enemy invasion nearby.


I think you are missing the 'a' between was and decent.

but then Nathan saved me . . . Then he used flash to get me out of there


You've got a repetition of the word 'then' there, and that should be avoided.

If you allow your worries to take over your life, than you'll both lose yourselves,"


Than should be then.

she's I believe 1,026 years old.


The ordering here is weird. I would say 'I believe she's 1,026 years old.

I have to go do some homework now, so I am cutting this a little short. I will be back for more soon!

Deanie x

User avatar
Collideascope
Review
Collideascope wrote a review Review · Jan 12, 2015

Hey,

Well this was a long one, of course I'm not terribly surprised it seems that the longer the story the more time it spends in the green room. Honestly I find that stupid and if I could fix it I would. This is a beautiful story and people need to be reading it *Continues rant elsewhere* Moving on however I shall now review your story!

You couldn't of just let

There is really no issue here other then grammarly it should be have instead of "of"

not phased by Marcus'

Same thing here it should be fazed.

; She's very beautiful

No new sentence she's shouldn't be capitalized.

, You may

Same thing here with you.

her tone,"She

Space after ,

You're birthday

Should be your.

That's it for nitpicks! Really nice job all the way around, I expected a few more errors! Thanks for this awesome story!
Sincerely,
Collideascope.

User avatar
LittleFox
Review
LittleFox wrote a review Review · Jan 4, 2015

Did someone say SUGILITE??? Sorry, just being obsessed with Steven Universe lol.

Anyway, hi!

Alright my first nit pick is this sentence here;
"'Mhmm?' she asks, looking over shoulder to look at me."
'Looking' and 'look' together in a sentence sound pretty awkward. Just a quick tweak will fix that right up.

"After a short pause, a smile rises to Syria's face, and she chuckles, 'Well, looks like you caught me.'"
I can't imagine Syria being at all surprised that he'd see they weren't going to the medical center, so this reaction doesn't come off as realistic to me. I feel like she should just take it in stride since she had to expect him to question her at some point.

"...leaving the only our footsteps to make conversation."
I really love this phrase!

Anyway, that's all for now. Great chapter, keep writing!
-LittleFox ^-^



Death is cheap, and so is life, but a reputation is not easily recovered.
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi