LAPIS :Chapter 14:

by SereneSimpliciT

Published June 24, 2014

12+

In LAPIS

I think I'm becoming too comfortable down here. No, seriously, this place has become too . . . calming to me. You'd think that a prison type setting would be brutal, threatening, heart pumping even. But here, it's not. It's like what a ten year old girl would imagine a prison to be, a place to go and just eat, sleep, and do nothing all day, while wearing clothes a person may wear to bed. Not scary, not intimidating, just boring.

Then again, I'm in one of the most stable sections of the Detention Sector. A few days ago, Eriks came back to the group cell with blood on his shirt. Apparently two inmates got into it in the weight area, and started beating on each other. He said it got so bad that one of the guys had to be taken out like I had been, and was barely conscious. COBALT just shrugged and said they're both idiots, but Eriks seemed a bit stung by COBALT's short analysis. "What, you think it was over something stupid?" Eriks asked, a bit on edge.

COBALT, who had been walking off from the discussion, stopped, and turned back to us. "I know what happened; your memory of it is blaring in my head," he answered.

Eriks’ eyes narrowed, his muzzle pulling back slightly as COBALT words apparently sting him some. "So you know it was serious-" Eriks started.

"We down here can't take pride or honor seriously. It's probably because of either that most are down here in the first place," COBALT interjected, becoming more stern than usual, "And how can we even possess it if we are a delinquent? Once your name is tarnished by the government, I don't believe you can start shit on a crumbling idea like that."

Eriks became a bit pink in the face, then pointed a claw at me. "And him? Your so called “soldier of justice” has no honor either?" Eriks asked, stepping closer to COBALT's face.

"He isn't one of the delinquents-" COBALT started.

"He's down here!" Eriks shouted.

"Of his own freewill!" COBALT snaps, catching Eriks off guard with his intensity before becoming calm strangely quick, "Good man, are you suggesting that you would have done the same that he did? Would you have given up your freedom, which I'm aware you're desperate to reattain, for a person you barely know well enough to call a friend, much less an acquaintance? . . . He showed honor in his actions. The Commander, as black hearted as he seems to be, must have seen that, or else he wouldn't have issued Isugoro such a light sentence. . . . Does it shine clearly enough for you yet, Mr. Eriks?"

Eriks just stood there, silent, but fuming inside. His talons were clenched into tight fists, his claws digging hard enough into his own skin that he may have actually drawn blood. It was easy to tell from his glare that he was angry that COBALT had argued, and in a way, beat out his with a clearly intelligent response. I watched from a few feet away, but even then, I could sense the tension between the two. Who was the smart guy that put these two in the same group cell?

"You're pushing it, smart ass," Eriks growled. COBALT didn't respond as Eriks pushed past us, heading towards Mally's personal cell to talk to her. Neither of us spoke, or even moved, for a few moments, but, before I knew what happened, COBALT turned back to me with an earnest smile, and we continued back on the topic previous to the encounter with Eriks. How we did that is still a mystery to me, but I don't pry at it, even though the past days have dragged on with dormant tension.

COBALT saves me from boredom with his endless amount of energy, always wanting to bounce around and play something in the rec room down a corridor nearby, so I'm not going to damper my companionship with him for such a dumb reason.

Thinking, I remember that today is my tenth day here in the Detention Sector, my seventh since I came back down here. Wow, already a week, that took long enough considering that the days have begun to go by at an even slower pace. The sun has become a duldrum reminder of the outside world, the rays which still scatter colors at the same hour beginning to lose their hue. Maybe my eyes are just becoming tired of these surroundings, wishing to see the crisp white interior and eclectic groups of Jeweloids that walk above me right now. Then again, there are plenty of Jeweloids down here to see.

Jeweloids down here now come up to me, and speak to me as if they've known me for quite some time. The first time it occurred was the first morning I was back, and COBALT came with me to the mess hall. When we walked into the stale grey space, I immediately noticed eyes focus on me, and by glance, I counted a good thirty Jeweloids looking my way. It was when we sat down with our treys of last night’s leftovers from upstairs that I saw someone stand out of the corner of my eyes. My ears caught a dim beat of footsteps growing, and before long, I could sense a person close to me. I turned my head, and standing there was a female Jeweloid, one of the few that I recognize very clearly from the beating. Her purple eyes now glow cool in contrast to how they burned with anger the last time I saw them.

"Hello," I said plainly. COBALT looked up at that moment, on edge now from what I can recall. The girl didn't make eye contact with me, and held her elbow with her left hand, unsure of what to do with her right, just allowing it to hang limp at her side. Her bright purple hair was tied back into a messy bun, her wavy hair falling out in some places, while strands fell around her round face, not daring to straggle in front of her countenance.

"Is it true?" she asked all of a sudden, her voice higher than what I expected, given her tough exterior.

"What?" I replied. She looked at me as if I was slightly annoying her, but she didn't say anything about it. She stayed quiet a few seconds longer, picking her words ahead of time from what I could tell.

"Y'know, that girl. . . ." she trailed, referring to Maggie I assume, "Did you really defend her?"

I watched her a moment, then nodded, "I didn't think she deserved to be down here. Maggie wasn't aware of-"

The girl suddenly looked perplexed, her gaze lightening some as she stared at me. "Did you just call her Maggie?" she asked.

I blinked in response, surprised by the question. It was then that I remembered the dumb rule that Humans shouldn't call Jeweloids by their Human name, as they're no longer "Human" (dear God, who made up these rules?). It was then that I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, "Yes, I did. It's her name. I’m not going to follow that stupid rule that just demeans you guys."

The girl watched me for what seemed like an hour, her eyes looking through me it seemed, trying to find something specific. But, she eventually seemed to give up, but smiled for some reason, before she held out her hand to me. I simply stared at it, unsure how exactly to respond to her action. I glanced over at COBALT, who just grinned as he watched my ignorance.

Without warning, I heard a bit of a groan, causing me to look back at the girl. She rolled her eyes slightly. "Shake my hand, dumbass," she instructed.

"Oh, uh, a-alright," I stuttered, not understanding the reason she desired a handshake in such a random circumstance. I took her hand in a firm, but gentle grip, her hand gripping tough, as if anything weaker would break the hold. It was then that I saw her eyes widen in surprise, blurring some. It didn't take me long to figure out what she had done. This Jeweloid had the Ability of Mind, and must had wanted to see for herself if what COBALT had said was true. Moments later, she released my hand, and looked me in the eyes, grinning.

"You really did make out with her," she chuckled some, before she saluted as she turned around to walk away, "I'm Savannah by the way. Nice to properly meet you, Blondie."

I chuckled, and looked back to COBALT as I spoke, “She read through my thoughts.”

COBALT grinned, “What did you expect? Did you think you would be learning a secret handshake or something?”

“Nah,” I replied as I sat, before I paused slightly, “. . . If they want to see the truth for themselves, than I’m open to that. Though, I would encourage someone asking beforehand.”

COBALT laughed at my statement, “Asking permission? You’re asking that of prisoners?”

I grinned, “I guess I am.”

After that, no one else needed to read me fortunately. I'm guessing Savannah spread the word confirming that I indeed wasn't a bad guy, and that called forward what seems like every Jeweloid to approach me and to ask me about Maggie, apologize about the beating, or just talk to me about my opinions on random topics. Each conversation was different, some more angry, some more content, modest, eccentric, long, short, all had their own flow. But, I did notice that each of them did do one similar thing; they each told me their human name.

Savannah, Tamaki, Felicia, William, Mara, Guante, Cherokee, Vikki, Damien, Priya, Joseph, all these names that were stolen from these people. It's hard to imagine what it must be like to be stripped of your name, your identity. Now you're SPINEL, GARNET, AGATE, ZIRCON, CORAL, who knows what else, just because Gelus decided that you weren't "Human."

It's so stupid.

"Yo, Isugoro."

I turn my head, happy to see COBALT standing right outside the entryway of my personal cell. He steps closer to look up at me, as I'm laying down on my bunk, and I'm glad he assumed correctly that I didn't want to get up.

"You know, you can call me "Goro" if you want. You know me well enough now that it's ok," I reply.

COBALT grins, and nods. "Alright. “Goro", I'm going to go and get checked out by Syria for my weekly checkup. I should be back in about an hour, maybe two depending on how long it takes her to get through my paperwork this time," he chuckles.

One of my eyebrows raise as I laugh a little, "Does it really take her that long?"

COBALT nods as he begins to crack up about it, "Yeah, she doesn't mean to be, but that girl is one slow writer. I've seen snails crawl faster than I've seen her jot down my information."

I laugh, as does COBALT. His energy is just infectious, able to spread so easily and freely. I can't see anything that could cut it off-

"Nathan."

Suddenly, COBALT's face goes blank, and his aura shatters, shocking me. Why is that every time I think something like that, I jinx the situation?

We both turn, and to my surprise, I see Syria standing in the entryway of the group cell, looking over at us, specifically COBALT. Her expression is warm, calm as she stands alone. She looks as she did the last time I saw her, except this time, her doctor's jacket is closed, buttoned all the way up. I look from her to COBALT, who seems to be frozen in place. Slowly I lean across to shake his shoulder, which successfully brings him back into reality.

"H-Huh, what?" he asks, looking confused.

"COBALT, Syria's here," I say calmly as I look him in eye, "Are you ok?"

He takes a deep breath, then looks back to Syria, who after a few seconds looks shocked, then suddenly apologetic. I raise an eyebrow.

What is going on?

"I'm good, just went into a different mode there for a minute," COBALT laughs, trying to return the atmosphere back to normal as he pats my shoulder, "Gotta love the Ability of Mind."

"Uh, yeah," I agree, watching him as he walks out of my cell towards Syria. She has cut off eye-contact, but still seems to be watching him, her eyes looking down towards his feet. When COBALT finally comes to stand in front of her, she still won't look up, now looking to be thinking about something. What exactly, I'm not sure of, but since she entered, something about the normal balance has been shifted in a very apparent way.

After a few moments, COBALT sighs, and touches her gently on the shoulder. She blinks, and looks up, finally meeting his gaze. The two don't exchange any words, but she nods soon after, before they both begin to walk out. An urge comes over me as I watch them. Then something comes over me. "COBALT," I shout.

He turns in response to my call, looking at me normally, just curious. Syria turns as well at the sound of my call, looking just as innocent as both of them watch me for a moment. Under their gaze, I falter some before I just shrug and give in to my uncertainties. "Never mind, see you in an hour or two," I say, gesturing at him to go.

COBALT grins, and turns, waving, "Wilco."

With that, COBALT and Syria disappear down the corridor, going to where ever it is that she does her exams. I've never had one, but she told me it was because I'm not going to be here for long, so I didn't need it. And I understand that, also taking into consideration that I got a notice from Dr. Stronos before I came back that let the authorities down here know I had regained my health.

"Isugoro?"

I blink, looking down to see Mally staring at me through the bars. I grin, and hop from my bunk. It's impolite in my eyes to speak to her from my bunk like I do with COBALT, as I see her more like an aunt figure.

"Yes Ma'am?" I ask as I come out of the cell.

"Who was it that left?" she asks, holding her book up, “I was caught up in reading and only heard someone say “Wilco” or something like that.”

"Oh, it was COBALT and Syria," I reply with a grin. Mally looks at the entry corridor, and surprisingly, her brow furrows, seeming concerned about something. "Something wrong?" I inquire.

She turns her gaze back to me and sighs. "Isugoro, has COBALT told you anything about why he is down here?" she asks me.

I blink, surprised by the random question. "Um, no," I answer, "I don't know him too well, so I didn't want to ask."

She looks a bit saddened by my words, sighing slightly as she speaks quietly, "He hasn't told me anything either."

My eyes widen, looking down at her with honest shock, "Wait, but you two are close, I thought-"

"In my eyes, he's like the troublemaker son I never had the chance to have," Mally says with a grimace, "He's been down here for a good eight months now, but even so, I know as much about him as I did the first day he was escorted into this cell. He may make it appear that he's an open book, but in all honesty, he's as locked up as the toughest safe. He's a mystery."

"So, if you're aware of that, why did you ask me if he had said anything to me?" I ask.

Mally smiles, "Because, out of everyone I've ever seen him interact with, you're one of the only people he truly seems to be real with."

"He's real with you, isn't he?" I reply.

"Not as much as you, but I know that he tries to make me feel like he is," she says with a small laugh, "I'd love to see how Syria did it though."

"Syria?" I repeat.

"Wait, you haven't noticed?" Mally asks, she now looking taken back.

I shake my head no, causing her to look back at the corridor. "Have you ever watched COBALT and Syria talk to each other?" she questions.

I think through my memories, recalling the single time I saw the two talking. Thinking further on it, I didn’t take much from it, and I shrug as I answer, "No, not really."

Mally speaks quietly as she recalls her own thoughts, "Well, I have, by coincidence, of course. But, it's . . . strange."

"How is it strange?" I ask, honestly curious.

"That boy, when speaking to her . . . seems to be in Heaven. The look on his face is calm, but his eyes are glowing, electric almost. And when he laughs, he sounds so much happier," Mally comments, sparking my own memories as she speaks, "Out of everyone, she's the closest to him. It's easy to see."

I don't say anything.

Mally continues, “I’m happy that she is someone he has found solace in, but even so, I’m worried about the way those two interact sometimes. I know it’s not good of me to question their intentions, because the true situation is probably innocent. . . . But even so, I’m concerned for both of their well-beings. . . .”

I immediately begin to break down her words. Even without Mally's evaluation, I had already noticed the two of them subconsciously, but I never attempted to look at it. But, as she lays out different things, my mind begins to make its own hypothesis. After a few moments, Mally catches that I've gone into my own world of thought, looking concerned.

"Isu-" she starts.

"I'll be back," I interrupt, walking past her towards the corridor, my pace faster than normal.

I'm not one to investigate people, especially those I consider good people or companions, but in this case, my curiosity seems to be in control. That, and my concern.

I track the route I know COBALT and Syria take, and before long, I can hear their footsteps and indistinct chatter not too far off from me. I subconsciously begin to move in a much stealthier way, knowing that COBALT has incredible senses. Before long, I follow them to a vault-like room pretty far off from most of the sector, where they finally stop. I hear Syria sigh, and then a light tap, my guess her setting down her clip-board on a table or something. Then, COBALT groans unexpectedly.

"God dammit," I hear him say.

"I-I'm sorry-" Syria stutters.

"We've been over this so many times, Syria," he cuts her off, "You can't call me that unless we're alone. It completely throws me off."

My brow furrows as I try to figure out what he's talking about, searching my memory. Then, I remember what I believe to be the topic.

She called him Nathan.

I think over the name for a moment longer. Is it his?

"But, why? Isugoro calls that girl by her name, so why can't I call you by yours?-" she asks.

"Because, I don't want anyone to know it," COBALT interrupts, validating my thought, "They took it from me, so why should I give them the ability to use it against me?"

Syria doesn't respond for a moment. ". . . Not even . . . Isugoro?" she trails.

I slyly stance myself so I can look around the corner, intrigued as I'm now a part of their conversation. COBALT stands facing away from me, as is Syria, who's a bit closer, right beside a metal table.

COBALT seems to lose some of the annoyance in his mood, the atmosphere between them becoming calmer. "Isugoro . . . I'm not sure yet," COBALT says.

"But you said that he's like me-" Syria starts.

"Yes, he is," COBALT begins, "but I barely know him, and I won't get the chance to fully know him. He'll be gone in four days, so what's the point of telling him anything?"

"Because he may be able to do something that you can't," Syria replies.

COBALT looks a bit perplexed, staring at her with a gentle gaze, "What do you mean?"

"Nathan, you're in prison! He will be free, like you said, in four days,” Syria explains, getting right into COBALT’s personal space, “With his help, you and I may be able to reach more people and get them to see-"

"What makes you so sure about him?" COBALT questions, searching her eyes as he steps even closer to her, neither of them uncomfortable despite their limited distance.

"Like you, I can see that he honestly does care about that girl. He wouldn't have done any of this if he didn't. He, without realizing it, supports the equality of Humans and Jeweloids, just like you, me, and basically every Jeweloid out there,” Syria says, before her voices lowers, “I've heard about his popularity the past few days with those Jeweloids down here, I've even talked to a few who spoke to him, and they all said the same thing."

COBALT sighs, before he meets her eyes again, "Which would be?"

Syria doesn't answer for a moment, taking a good breath as she speaks, "They believe that he could be a leader in changing things."

My eyes widen. Me, a leader in their fight? That's a quick assessment to make only after one conversation.

"He's a newbie, for all we know, he'll become like all the other soldiers upstairs," COBALT comments, gesturing towards the ceiling. That stings a bit.

"You know that won't happen," Syria argues, looking a little irritated, "You've held on to him at least once, so you've seen what he'll become."

I become puzzled. What the hell does that mean?

COBALT sighs. "Yes, I have seen what will happen. My psychic capability came on the first time I shook his hand, and I got to see snapshots of what he’ll experience. That guy will have a fun time here, let me tell ya," he comments sarcastically, before becoming more serious, ". . . He is like us, or, will be. In more ways than one."

“So you do know he won’t change into one of the other soldiers, Nathan,” Syria says with a sad expression, “So why not trust him?”

He doesn’t answer quickly, before he meets her eyes again, searching for answers I suppose. Slowly, he takes one of her hands in his, and sighs, “I don’t know what to say to him when I know that no matter what I say, he will still face what I’ve seen.”

My brow furrows, my stomach churning slightly as I let his words sink in. I didn’t know COBALT could see the future, especially one that’s set in stone. What has he seen that could be influencing his actions so much? What is it that he sees in me that reflects them?

What makes us similar?

Syria seems to become concerned, her countenance changing as she looks up at him. "What do you mean?" she asks.

COBALT doesn’t say anything immediately, his eyes falling to her hand that’s held in his. He swallows hard as he takes her other hand, his hold tender. Syria watches him quietly, gently taking her hand away as she moves his hair back to its normal slicked back style. He finds her eyes again, and she grins, her presence warm. Suddenly, COBALT's entire presence changes, from serious and dignified, to . . . playful. He grins, and Syria begins to . . . blush.

"N-Nathan, now wait-" she stutters, her cheeks flushing.

"Oh c'mon," he stays, pulling her into him by the wrist with a chuckle, "Do I really have to spell it all out to you, Syria?"

“N-No, I’m not an idiot,” Syria argues as COBALT leans over, his forehead pressing against hers, “Oh, will you stop messing with me?”

He laughs quietly, “Why? It’s kinda cute to see you flustered for once. Not being all info crazy and being completely articulate makes you seem more like you used to be.”

“What are you talking about?” Syria says with a pout, doing her best to look serious despite her burning red face, “I’ve always been the mature one.”

“True, but you used to also have a fun side,” COBALT says with a chuckle.

"Hey!-" she tries to argue, but she's cut off.

She's cut off by him. Before my eyes, everything is spelled out for me, and I feel my gut churn as I turn away, unprepared to be met with the Law, its shadow finally beginning to cast itself over not only me, but their cursed future.

And sealed with their kiss.

Comments & reviews · 5
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sisterLuck
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sisterLuck wrote a review Review · Aug 28, 2016

Chapter 14!

The more I read the more I like COBALT. He's a good in-between for Goro's stubborn, flighty nature and Cent's pessimistic one.

Interesting bit, COBALT talking about how pride and honor are nothing to stake yourself for, but suggests it's a big deal to the commander. It's almost like the most subtle insult ever haha.

I also still like Eriks. And it's a good thing they all figured out how to sidestep all that tension in the room- it'd drive them all nuts if they didn't.
But, it's a little odd that, since Goro is so insistent on calling the Jeweloids by their human names and treating them like people, that he hasn't asked COBALT what his real name is yet.
I feel like he's missing out on a lot of information by not asking COBALT about a lot of things, actually. It could be due to him being totally scatterbrained, but they have been stuck together in a super boring jail for ten days now.

The whole scene when Syria enters the cell- you really portray Goro's lack of understanding in the situation. But I hope whatever happened gets cleared up for the reader because now I'm curious as to what's going on haha.

"by coincidence" riiiight Mally. She really is like a nosy mom to those guys in the cell~ It's kind of cute.

I don't have much to say about Nathan and Syria's conversation, aside from the fact that it's nice to get more information! And have another person that is on the Jeweloid's side.

"Syria doesn't answer for a moment, taking a good breath as she speaks, "They believe that he could be a leader in changing things."

My eyes widen. Me, a leader in their fight?"- I find it curious that Goro jumps right to the conclusion that Syria is talking about a fight- not just like, taking a peaceful stand or making a case verbally. It really shows where Goro's head is at right now.

I wonder about the psychic ability. Is that just Nathan, or do other Jeweloids have it? I like the slow reveals of their powers and it makes me curious which ones are typical powers and which ones are unique to each individual.



Some quick typos/suggestions-

In the beginning, Goro recalls an interaction from a few days ago but you write it all in present tense and then just transition to the rest of the story without a tense change. You could either remove the 'a few days ago' and just have it flow through the days he's there (which, since we don't really get a set sense of which day is which, would help portray the long, tedious boredom Goro's experiencing), or have that paragraph separated from the others in past tense, and then Goro saying something to bring the reader back to the present time.

"Good man, are you suggesting..."- I think you meant, 'God, man,'

and "Not being all info crazy" you should hyphenate 'info-crazy'.
Not much to nitpick in this one~
On to the next chapter! I am really wondering what Goro's reaction is gonna be to that kiss. He disagrees with the Law, so will he be accepting of this?

User avatar
LittleFox
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LittleFox wrote a review Review · Oct 26, 2014

Heeeeey, I'm almost caught up :D

Okay, first thing is this;

"COBALT looked up at that moment, on edge now from what I can recall."

Why is he recalling Cobalt Cobalt being on edge? If this story is being told in present tense, there shouldn't really be any trying to recall something that is supposed to be happening in that moment.

Actually...looking back I just noticed that this chapter is in fact in past tense in the beginning of it while your earlier chapters are all in present tense and towards the end it switches back. You need to be careful in sticking with one tense and I think present tense works better for this story than past tense so for that reason I will still stand by my past comment.

"'COBALT and Syria,' I reply honestly. "
'Honestly' really isn't needed here. The reader already knows what just happens and thus knows he isn't lying. Plus it doesn't seem like something he would lie about anyway.

Sorry for nit-picking on grammar a little, your writing style is so different from mine that all I know how to criticize is the grammar sometimes xD

So that's all for now!

Happy Review Day,
-Littlefox

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Kale
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Kale wrote a review Review · Aug 18, 2014

Before I review Chapter 15, I'll be reviewing this one, and then after Chapter 15, maybe I'll finally finish reviewing Chapter 5. >.>

"You're pushing it, smart ass," Eriks growled. COBALT didn't respond as he pushed past us, heading towards Mally's personal cell to talk to her.

It's not clear who is pushing past, Eriks or COBALT. Instead of using "he", it would be a better idea to give a physical description of Eriks here so that the person pushing past is more easily identifiable, plus it also gives you a chance to describe a bit of Eriks' appearance without it being too intrusive.

But, she eventually seemed to give up, but smiled for some reason, before she held out her hand to me, perplexing me. She sighed in irritation at my reaction.

This chapter has a lot of telling, and while telling is great in certain circumstances (such as the paragraph about the Jeweloids telling Goro their names), there are times that telling gets in the way of the flow of the story, and the part I quoted is one of those times. Instead of telling us that Goro was perplexed, it would be better to describe his perplexed reaction, which would in turn make Savannah's response flow more naturally. Right now, we're told indirectly that Goro reacted through Savannah's response, and that is too indirect in addition to being a missed opportunity to characterize Goro more.

A lot of Goro's thought processes are also told to us directly, which is sometimes unnecessary and a bit redundant. One example would be how Goro comes to the conclusion that Nathan is COBALT's name. That particular thought process is drawn out for quite a bit, which slows the pacing down considerably. Streamlining it a bit would help keep that particular scene going at a more consistent pace, and help match up the speed of the conversation with the speed of the narration.

"Alright. "Goro", I'm gonna go and get checked out by Syria.

When you have quotes nested in quotes, you alternate them between double and single quotes, to help keep track of which quotes go with what. "Goro" should be surrounded by single quotations.

There were quite a lot of typos scattered throughout this, in addition to the long-running use of "of" instead of "have", so you might want to invest in a word processor that has a built-in grammar checker in addition to a spelling checker to help catch most of these things. Because there were so many, the misspellings wound up being pretty distracting.

Otherwise, you did a good a good job with the ending for this chapter. There's enough detail to infer what happens, but not so much it feels heavy-handed, even as it sets up a pretty major upcoming conflict. This chapter is pretty sound overall from a plot standpoint, and it's just a matter of polishing the narration and language a bit to make it read more smoothly and consistently.

Thank you :3
I'll address things in the next chapter 'cause I saw you posted there too.

chancesnchanges wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hi! there SereneSimpliciT :)

This was really good. Wow! I pretty much enjoyed it, even though I don't have any idea of “Why are they locked behind the bars?” Peace :) v . I haven't read the previous chapters. Nonetheless, I was able to understand why Nathan was called “COBALT” ‘cause I was wondering about that & why was in all capital letters. Hence, are they up to a revolution? Don't mind it if you mentioned it on the former chapters. The strength that I see is that the plot grabs attention immediately, it's very interesting and well-written. Same as through with its mysterious, serious & playful characters.

Keep going :)

> Cha

Thanks so much for the review! I highly suggest reading some of the previous chapters, I think you'd enjoy it :)

~Maddie

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Deanie
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Deanie wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hey there Serene!

Happy review day!

Ooh this was an interesting chapter. I am looking forwards to getting to know more about COBALT's past... it seems like he must be hiding something very interesting. I loved the mention you had of them wanting to share their names, and how awful it must be for them to have their identity taken from them. You really made me sympathise for them there, and I am sure other readers will too ^.^ It was only a brief meeting, but I hope that isn't the last we've seen of Savannah either. And D: Syria and COBALT together! At least this shows that Isugoro is not alone with his problem with feelings for a Jeweloid. I wonder what he is going to make of this, with all the newfound information about his friend...

this place has become too...calming to me.


Ah, you've hit a pet peeve of mine here. After the ellipsis, you really need a space. If you don't have one, it means those three dots and linking up to become one sentence! And that shouldn't happen, because it doesn't make sense. I didn't pull out every time it happened in the chapter, because that would've been really nitpicky and not really helpful once you know the rule. But do tackle the others like this one in the chapter, and put those space bars in!

I know what happened, your memory of it is blaring in my head


This is a comma splice. You've got a comma in there when really you should have a conjunction here instead, or a semi-colon. I believe a semi colon is what would work best for you in this sentence, as a replacement for the comma.

Wow, already a week, took long enough


Correction: already a week, that took long enough. It just needed another word in there to make this sentence run smoothly.

Her bright purple hair was tied back into a messy bun, her wavy hair falling out in some places, while strands fell around her round face, not daring to straggle in front of her countenance.


This is something that has actually improved a lot in your chapter. I remember there always being quite a few run on sentences, but here you've got it pretty much under control. There was only this one I could find to pull out, but apart from that, there were none. Good job ;) My suggestion for this one is to have a full stop instead of the second comma. If you cut out the 'while' that follows on and just have 'strands' as the beginning of the next sentence, it works out perfectly.

Savannah kind of tricked Isugoro into letting her into his mind. I wondered how he felt about that. Was he annoyed that she didn't just take her word for it? Does he mind? Does he think it's just a way of securing the truth, and part of who she is as a Jeweloid? It would be nice if you added his thoughts in there.

You know me well enough now that it's ok


I would put a comma after the 'now' and add in the word 'so' after that.

When COBALT finally comes to stand in front of her, she still won't look up, now looking to be thinking about something.


If you put 'now looking to be thinking about something' it sounds a little awkward. How about replacing the word 'looking' with seeming? I also suggest you add the word else to end of that sentence.

When Mally hears that COBALT has gone off with Syria, she looks worried. But if she thinks they are good friends, and it is good for him to have someone to talk to about things and be himself around, why would she seem worried? Does she suspicions that something is going on between which could end out being bad instead of good? If she does, maybe have her mention it. If not, then maybe she shouldn't look so panicked, because she doesn't know anything to make her feel that way. Besides, them two have their tests all the time, so it's any other session as usual.

He wouldn't of done any of this


The 'of' should really be a 'have' here...

You put puzzeled at one point. But that's a misspell and should really be puzzled. ;)

Also, when COBALT says that Isugoro is going to be like them in more ways than one, Syria was confused. Which is perfectly fine. But Isugoro is listening in on this, and must also feel confused himself! This is another point in the chapter where I wanted to know his thoughts on what was being said. I mean, what would he make of that statement himself? Did he know those with the Ability of Mind could see into the future a little bit?

One thing I am hoping to be explained better in future chapters is the extent of their abilities. How much into the future can they see? Is it a set destiny, or can it change as the person changes? How does the ability of mind enable you to see such things? Is our destiny really all laid out in our mind? So many questions that need answering :3

Last thing to mention: at one point you went Wilco*, so I thought there would be a mention or explanation at the end of the chapter for this word. But there wasn't one. Maybe you forgot to put it?

Let me know when the next chapter is posted! I am so interested in this story and where it is going to go, you wouldn't believe it :P

Deanie x

Deanie!
Hey, sorry this chapter took longer than I thought it would CX
I'm addressing wilco* first: the * means that it's explained in the dictionary. Though, I haven't had the chance to update it yet lol
Many of those questions are answered when COBALT, or Nathan if you wish to call him that, finally let's us in on his past. Most everything else, like mally, will be fixed eventually.
As for Isugoro voicing his own opinion on the conversation between Syria and COBALT, I honestly didn't because I feel Isugoro is heard too much. Yes it's from his perspective, but I want other characters to be able to have their own moments where Isugoro may not be mentally involved. He does though voice his thoughts in the next chapter, once the whole thing had sunken in, which knowing him is probably the smartest thing in his situation to do.
Savannah is a bit like a female gangster and I love it. I honestly wasn't trying to give her a character, I just wanted someone to interact with Goro to get the ball rolling with the other jeweloids. She may come back, who knows lol

Can't wait til next time!
~Maddie



I just write poetry to throw my mean callous heartless exterior into sharp relief. I’m going to throw you off the ship anyway.
— Vogon Captain (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)