LAPIS :Chapter 22:

by SereneSimpliciT

Published December 18, 2014

12+

In LAPIS

"What right do you have to say that?!" Maggie screams at the top of her lungs, her eyes burning as she glares down Marcus.

"You haven't seen anything that I have, you haven't even stepped outside of the Jeweloid sector!" Marcus spits, his voice cold as ice, "Just because you hold the title of Class Zero doesn't mean you can suddenly barge in here instructing me how I can go about teaching-"

"You're no teacher, you're nothing but a self-indulgent jerk!" Maggie snaps.

Her words causing Marcus' stone expression to break, a look of anger taking shape.

How the hell did this happen?

Well, actually, I guess the day's events do lead to such a happening, but I never imagined I'd actually see Maggie try to go toe to toe with Marcus.

THIS MORNING

Cent ended up staying with me last night. He was still pretty shaken up after the small outburst he had yesterday, so after saying goodbye to Maggie, I went to get Sumpti's permission for Cent to miss the night drill. Sumpti surprisingly was very easy going about letting Cent skip, though I guess that he could tell that he had been having a rough time. I can see why Kasami gets along with him so well, he seems like a nice guy.

Anyway, Cent and I basically just did what normal guys our age do, and hung out in my room, eating and talking over random things. We hadn't been able to do anything like it for a long time, so despite either of us mentioning it, we both seemed to love every moment. Our actual discussions ranged from serious, like Jeweloids, our opinions, the war, etc., to lighter topics, like a letter Cent had received from Alya, his little sister, or my interactions with Savannah in the Detention sector. I haven't laughed so much since I got here. I felt like a normal person for once.

Sadly, morning came after we both eventually fell asleep, waking up to my annoying, but effective alarm, just as the sun started to come up. I'd like to add that we went to breakfast together, but unfortunately, Cent had to return to his room to get a few things for the jobs he was having to do today in his sector. So, after a short little pep talk, one to brace him for the guys who had said the awful things about Sammy, we did our normal sign-offs to each other, and walked our separate ways.

I miss being able to walk with him.

Soon after, I found myself in the cafeteria, void of any Jeweloids. Everyone here is human, well, in terms of DNA. I don't know anyone in the room, odd to say, considering how long I've been here, but it's not a lie when I admit I've spent more time around Sammy, Maggie, and Nathan than I have any of these people. I wouldn't be surprised if most of them don't know who I am.

And, just as I had assumed, I was correct. While in line, a few girls came over to me and asked if I would like to sit with them, which I politely agreed to. As soon as I sat down with them, I found myself among four girls and two other men, who smiled when they saw me, as if they understood my position. Conversation quickly started up, the girls interested more in me and anything about me they could find out, though oddly enough, I was able to manage without even giving my name. Strange, but at the same time, not.

Then, it got a little surreal.

“Have you heard any more about that Isugoro Jintez guy?” one of the men asked.

While none of them seemed to notice, I kinda choked on the bite of apple I was about to swallow. I looked among them, totally blindsided as they started into a full-on conversation about me. They repeatedly said my name, and began cackling as they discussed my time at Gelus. The girl beside me, who I eventually learned is named Gillie, was the most outright in her opinion, scoffing as they moved to my actions with Maggie in the Power Processor.

"That guy must be stupid," she insisted as she picked at her food, "Who just throws them self at a Jeweloid in their Insanity State?"

"He didn't, he fell, as I heard," the boy across from me, Judah, commented.

"Whatever, no matter what, he doesn't belong here. They should ship him back to wherever it is he came from and get him a doctor," Gillie answered, pointing her fork at him, "He's not doing anything for himself by helping one of those things."

They can’t be serious, can they?

I never said a word, I just continued eating, too caught up in my shock to really know what else to do. Cent's words about the people here started to run through my head, and I began to set my own opinion. They're not messed up, at least not to me. If anything, I think they're being misled about Jeweloids. I think they're allowing assumptions to determine their opinions and thoughts, not actual facts. Why, is obvious.

They're scared to face something they know nothing about.

If I hadn't met Maggie my first day . . . if I hadn't had the chance to watch her grow from that weakened state she was in when she took her first breath in this time, I would be afraid. It's human nature to be afraid of what we don't understand.

The others at my table continued on with their talk, before I finally said something.

"Have you ever met him?" I asked. The group looked at me with wide eyes, surprised that I said something. Though, their look of surprise soon turns to something more along the lines of uncertainty, looking from one another to see who would answer me.

Of course, it was Gillie. "Nope," she answered truthfully.

"What do you think he's like?" I asked.

"Probably ugly," another girl, Evaly laughed.

"Yeah, I hear he's a weakling too, so probably lanky," Gillie added.

"Whoever let him in?" Judah joked, sending the others into hysterics. I simply sit there, trying my best to look more puzzled than annoyed by their ignorance.

"I meant in terms of character, not appearance," I chuckled, trying to sound innocent.

Gillie shrugged, "Probably stupid, maybe a teacher's pet kind of guy."

"Getting close to a Jeweloid means your rank could sky-rocket," the quiet girl on the end added, her name unknown to me, "So maybe he's just trying to gain power."

What?

I was taken back as the group suddenly turns in astonishment at the revelation, before suddenly they begin to laugh, the loudest Gillie. "Oh my God, that guy is smart!" Gillie giggled.

"He's using the system? That's great!" Evaly cackled.

"Maybe I should go to the Jeweloid Sector-" Judah started.

"Is power really why you came to Gelus?" I interrupted, my temper beginning to flare.

My sudden comment caused the table to hush, all of them looking at me in surprise, but confusion. I suppose I must have looked quite fearsome, as Gillie and the other girl beside me both moved slightly away from me when they looked at me. I couldn’t help it, their words were so idiotic that I wanted to flip the table so that I didn’t actually take out my bubbling rage on them. Degrading me, then trying to make me look like a power-hungry nobody? Doesn't anyone have a sense of decency anymore?!

"What's wrong with you, newbie?" Gillie asked.

I didn't answer for a moment, unsure if I should pop their bubble, or just stop talking. There was a good chance that whatever I wanted to say would just turn into me berating them for their ignorance. But, after a deep breath, I buried the anger as best I could, and took a different route. I spoke clearly, making sure my tone was controlled, "I met a girl when I first got here. Her name is Maggie. She didn't want to join the military, but due to life issues, she had no choice but to enter Gelus."

"Ok?" Judah said, obviously confused.

"She's a strong girl. When she got here, they put her with a training squad, and to this day is not allowed to leave, because they don't want her to try to escape," I continued, "She saw the sky for the first time a few days ago . . . and almost started to cry. She was brought to tears just by seeing clouds, by seeing something normal."

The table was silent, allowing me to continue, "She didn't come here to gain power; she came here because she had no choice. She seeks nothing but to make some happiness out of her life . . . and I plan on her helping her fulfill that wish. 'Cause honestly, that's all I should want too."

Before anyone could say anything, we were all met by a surprise; Kasami.

"There you are!" Kasami sighed with happiness, "Marcus is waiting for you!"

"Alright, I'm coming. I just finished," I replied with a grin, standing. I looked back as I picked up the trash from my meal, and found the group looking in shock from me to Kasami, perplexed. I chuckled, then gestured at Judah, "If you think I'm weak, you should try standing up to a power shock sometime."

As soon as I said that, it seemed to click in their heads who I am. The girls turned flush, and the boys just stared at me, stunned. Slowly, their expression then morphed from blank confusion to pale fear, recalling their words.

Gillie stood, barely coming to my shoulders, which took away some of her confidence. "Y-You're-" she stuttered.

“First Class Human Representative of the Jeweloid Sector; Isugoro Jintez, Ma'am," I replied with a smile, saying my second full title before I nodded slightly to them, "Now if you'll excuse me."

I didn't stay to hear their banter, quickly following Kasami out of the room and toward the Jeweloid sector. Once I entered the halls, I saw many more familiar faces, Jeweloids that I've never met, or talked to, but have seen on more than one occasion. I made eye-contact with many of their eyes, bright colors of all kinds warming in hello as I past. I enjoy this much more. I'm more comfortable here.

At least, 'til I met Marcus.

Without a second to close the door, Marcus came at me. Caught off guard, I dodged out of the way, something I've discovered I'm sadly good at. Marcus groaned as his fist connects with steel.

"Damn man, you can't run like a pussy!" he scoffed, shaking his hand as he stepped toward me, "If you want to actually be of help on the battlefield, you need to get a backbone and take the hit!"

"I've been taking nothing but hits from you since day one," I replied calmly as I stood, "I'm not going to learn anything by just being beat up like this all the time."

Marcus rolled his eyes, "Boy, you haven't learned anything 'cause you can't figure out how I work."

I rose an eyebrow in confusion, "And what does that mean?"

"You're dumb," he answered, before he disappeared.

My eyes widened in surprise. He hadn't done that before. I turned all the way around, but I saw no sight of him, causing my heart rate to heighten.

Alright, he's gonna ambush me, that's simple to figure out.

Suddenly, I heard a noise to my right, small, but still an indication of movement.

I turned in the direction, expecting to see Marcus, though instead, I simply saw empty space, perplexing me.

Then I felt an arm around my neck.

I had no time to even attempt escape as Marcus tightened his grip, locking me in place as he lifted me off the ground. I grabbed at his arm, trying my best to find someplace to hold onto to try to pull it off a bit to give me a better chance of staying conscious. To my dismay, my actions caused him to throw me at the wall. Upon impact, I heard familiar cracks and pops, indicating more wonderful injuries. I was able to keep upright when my feet met the ground, but just barely as I held my gut, sharp jolts of pain meaning I probably had ribs broken.

Marcus laughed, "You have at least learned how I work. You knew I'd ambush you."

I blinked. Holy shit, I did.

"But, you totally forgot one of major parts of Jeweloid battle strategy," Marcus continued, "Flash allows your opponent to almost be two places at once. One moment, I was where you heard me, but in the time span it took you to turn, I was able to sneak by to place myself right behind you."

"So, what do I do then?" I asked, "How am I supposed to know where you'll be if you're just gonna fake me out?"

He grinned in a manner I've never seen, "Now you're getting somewhere."

Huh?

"There's a factor you're not taking into account, Isugoro," he said, "Until you do, you won't be able to fight me."

"What the hell?" I said, starting to get annoyed, "You're making me decipher your training, d-decipher riddles?"

He shrugged with a laugh, "I guess so."

"Is this funny to you?" I questioned, "I'm actually trying to learn so I can fight with you guys, but-"

"You will never be able to fight with us."

I was caught off guard at Marcus' words, silenced. Marcus simply stared at me, aware he had hit a nerve. After a moment, he sighed, meeting my gaze again with probably the nicest expression that I've seen from him. "You are a simple human. You will be weaker than that Maggie girl no matter what you do to better yourself in terms of strength and agility," Marcus said.

My composure began to crack, "W-What do you know about my potential? All you do is beat me to a pulp!"

"And I'm not a Class Zero," Marcus replied, "I'm not even Class One."

No matter what ran through my mind, I couldn't find an appropriate answer, leaving me standing there shamed. Marcus said nothing more to me as he past me, walking towards the door. Before he passed the threshold, he paused, looking to Hannah.

"Get PEARL to heal him again, his head is bleeding pretty bad, and his gut's torn up," he said to her in a hushed tone, "I'll come back when he's healed, and willing to figure out why he's here."

With that, he disappeared. PEARL came soon after, and treated my injuries. During the slow process, she did attempt to make small talk with me, but to no avail. I appreciated the attempt, but by that point, my kindness had been spent. She left me a few minutes later, defeated in a way as she left me alone. I was pissed, not only at Marcus, but myself. No matter what I tried to think, I couldn't figure out what he meant by everything he said.

He said that I was too weak, but he also said something about some factor that I haven't figured out yet. . . . What is it that he's leaving out that I'm missing?

"You seem to be really concentrating on something."

My thoughts vanish as I looked up to find Maggie standing right in front of me, her hands clasped together behind her back as she leans slightly over me. A bittersweet grin formed on my face, and I stood. Unfortunately, I straightened too quickly, causing my sore ribs to send a jolt of pain through my body, thus making me cringe a bit. Maggie's brow furrowed as she watched the pain take over my expression, instinctively taking hold of my shoulders to help. I met her eyes as soon as I felt her touch, causing the concern to deepen further.

"What does that man have you do to cause all this?" she questioned.

I chuckled a little, straightening slowly as I spoke, "Honestly, just try to survive."

"You're joking," she replied.

"Nope," I said as I shook my head, then continued, "He keeps coming at me, and before I can even try to do anything, he's already got me beat."

The truth caused Maggie's expression to darken, apparently upset. "What about your role as guard?" Maggie commented, "Y'know, the job Kasami gave you?"

"Well, that really wasn't a job, Maggie," I replied, "I was brought in because you were having issues with Atterson. Now you're with HERA, and since she’s able to negate the contract now, I'm no longer needed-"

"Yes, you are," Maggie interrupted, "I need you there."

I raised an eyebrow, surprised by her spirited response. Though, my expression only fell again as I questioned her, "Why? I can't teach you anything, you're more advanced than I am in combat already, and I know nothing about your powers, or Jeweloid powers in general."

Maggie didn't say anything for a moment, unsure of how to respond. Then, slowly, I watched her cheeks flush, taking me by surprise.

"Maggie-" I started.

"That's not why Kasami gave you the position of guard," Maggie interrupted, her tone giving off a sense of an admission, "He put you there as morale support . . . for me."

"Morale support?" I repeated, looking away, "Why me?"

"Because of the Power Processor, because of the time before that," Maggie explained, "He told me that he did it because of two points he spotted during those encounters. One; you acted protective of me when Anyola came into the mix, and two; you were able to calm me down in my insanity state, and right after I exited it, which apparently is extremely hard to do. Add in your apparent immunity to Power Shocks, and Kasami said you were perfect."

I didn't reply.

I'm only involved because I keep her calm? That's it?

"That's all I'm good for? . . ." I thought out loud, causing Maggie's eyes to widen in surprise.

"Oh, n-no, that's not what I meant!" Maggie stuttered, moving herself to meet my eyes, "Goro, that's only the official reason. There had to be one so that they could take you out of the Detention Sector and bring you to the training facility as quickly as they did. If they hadn't, I may not have seen you for another month."

I blinked in surprise as I repeated her, "A month?"

She nodded, "Because you now have a criminal record, acceptance periods will take much longer, and you won't be approved at the same rate as a normal soldier."

I groaned slightly, running a hand through my hair, "Of course I won't."

She watched me for a few moments, before she spoke, "You're the closest thing to a friend I have, Goro. . . ." Her words caused me to stop in motion as I processed the meaning. I quickly met her eyes, seeing them warm, but also full of guilt as she continued, "Kasami made it so HERA couldn't permanently remove you due to that, same with his "deal" with this TOPAZ guy."

She has the special ability to make me feel like a jerk. As soon as she said that, I couldn't help but grin, and instinctively, I placed a hand on her head, taking her by surprise. Her cheeks flushed redder, causing me to chuckle. "It's ok Maggie," I said, smiling, "We are friends, so don't expect me to leave you hanging out to dry anytime soon, alright?"

She blinked in shock, but a smile soon formed on her face, and she laughed, causing me to do the same, her warmth infectious.

Then she kissed my cheek.

I went silent as her lips broke contact from my skin, my eyes wide. I felt a small lump forming in my throat as I heat seemed to build slightly around my nose, spreading outward over my face. Maggie looked at me with the most innocent expression I've ever seen, obviously unaware of my inner confusion.

"Please, don't let this guy get to you," Maggie said, catching me off guard, "I can tell you've been working really hard, you're getting stronger every time I see you."

"I am?" I replied, honestly surprised by the statement.

Maggie laughed, "I wouldn't lie about something like that, Goro. But really, TOPAZ is probably trying to build your endurance for pain and just war in general. Have you thought about that?"

I blinked in shock. Shit, I hadn't thought of that. In fact, that idea never even crossed my mind.

I really am thick headed.

"How encouraging she is. I can see why you like her, Isugoro."

Both of us pause as Marcus' voice floats into our conversation, both of us turning to see him standing in the door way, his arms crossed as they normally are. His eyes fixed on Maggie, seemingly curious of her, which made me oddly on edge. Maggie looked from him to me, moving closer to my side, "Is that him?"

I nodded.

"Well then Isugoro, let us continue," Marcus said.

My brow furrowed in confusion. "Continue? But I'm not fully healed," I replied.

Marcus shrugged, "So?"

"Uh-" I started.

Before I could make out another word, he was right in front of me, causing Maggie jolt back. I didn't flinch, use to his sudden close appearances. Marcus smirked, amused by the fact that I have no reaction. But it didn't appease him for long, throwing a fist at my face. Quickly, I dipped below his arm, somehow taking Maggie's arm in the process, and pushed her ahead of me as I jumped out the way. I couldn't get her involved Marcus' messed up training.

I couldn't let her get hurt.

Marcus smirked again as he watched us stand up, my ribs still aching. Then, he was gone. Maggie instantly attached herself to me, obviously panicked. "Isugoro-" she started.

"You need to get away from me," I interrupted.

"What? Why?" she questioned, her eyes wide.

"I'm his target, he'll go after you too if you stay near me," I explained.

"But-" she started.

"No buts, Maggie," I said, meeting her eyes, "I can't let you get involved. It's my fight."

"How sweet."

I turned only to meet Marcus' bright eyes, before a sharp upper cut slammed into my face, sending me flying a good twenty feet, before I hit the floor hard with a loud smack. Maggie gasped in fright, her hands covering her mouth as she saw me try to get up after the attack. Then, something seemed to snap in her mind, and she whipped around to face Marcus. Without my notice, Marcus was caught by Maggie's sudden strong presence, backing up instinctively as he met her gaze. Though, he caught himself, restating his footing as he glared down at her.

"Well, you're feisty-" he started.

"How can you do that?" she interrupted, annoyance in her tone, "Beating him within an inch of his life?!"

Marcus laughed, "The same way Humans like him caged me up and treated me like a dog."

"He's not one of those Humans!" Maggie yelled, "Haven't you heard what he's done for me?!-"

"Probably only for his own gain, that's what a lot of the Humans involved in the Jeweloid sector do it for," Marcus replied.

My eyes widened as I heard his words. He thinks I'm here for the same reasons that those human soldiers think. He thinks I only want power. I clenched my fists, and unlike with Gillie and the others, I spoke my mind to Marcus. "Will you stop talking shit?!" I yelled, whipping around despite the pain to glare him down, "I came to you in the first place so I could protect her!"

Maggie's countenance vanished, melting into a look of shock. She turned slowly, looking at me with a puzzled stare. "What?" she questioned.

I gulped as I realized my blunder. Oops.

Her brow furrowed some as she spoke, "You're training with this guy . . . so you can protect me?"

When put like that, it sounds really cheesy. I didn't mean for it to be interpreted in that way, but I guess there's no other way to really put it, is there? I looked away slightly, a bit embarrassed.

"No, he wants to surpass you so he can control you, ya whore!" Marcus cackled.

At that moment, Maggie broke her composure altogether. She disappeared from my sight, taking me off guard that she knows flash now. She reappeared above Marcus, throwing her body down to get him right in the head with a sharp heel. Impact caused Marcus to crumble beneath her, falling to the ground as a power shock is released. I fell back down to the ground, overwhelmed by Maggie's magnified power as she flipped off and landed in between Marcus and I.

"How dare you call me that!" she yelled, "And how dare you accuse him of using me! He's done nothing but protect me!"

"Ya little bitch!" Marcus grumbled, before shouting, "You're coming into my area and picking a fight with me?!"

"You're area is wrong!" she answered, "Stop beating him for your own entertainment!"

"I can do with him as I want, he's my student," he growled, "And you, you are nothing to me but hot air!"

And thus we're back to where we were.

How fun.

"What right do you have to say that?!" Maggie screams at the top of her lungs, her eyes burning as she glares down Marcus.

"You haven't seen anything that I have, you haven't even stepped outside of the Jeweloid sector!" Marcus spits, his voice cold as ice, "Just because you hold the title of Class Zero doesn't mean you can suddenly barge in here instructing me how I can go about teaching-"

"You're no teacher, you're nothing but a self-indulgent jerk!" Maggie snaps.

Her words causing Marcus' stone expression to break, a look of anger taking shape.

As they continue arguing, I work my way back to a standing position. As I pant a bit, I notice Marcus beginning to jitter. My face goes pale as I realize what's about to happen.

He's gonna try to fight her.

Without thinking, I run over to place myself between Maggie and Marcus, taking her by surprise as I pull her behind me.

"G-Goro-" she starts.

"As best I can," I interrupt, "I protect you. Not the other way around."

Her eyes widen. She has no time to say anything, as Marcus charges us. With little time to spare, I take Maggie by the waist, and pull her out of the way. She watches in shock as I use a similar move I had used when we sparred to parry off his jab, and to our surprise, it works. Marcus even looks surprised for a split second, before he continues to plow into me. Repeatedly, I dodge and parry his hits, before I flip out of his range. He follows quickly, above me. I gulp, realizing sooner or later I have to try offense.

Jump, and get him in the throat with your heel.

I blink in surprise as I hear Maggie's voice. With no time to really do anything else, I follow instruction, pushing myself up into a handstand type push-off, turning myself slightly in the air to get some velocity behind my foot. Then, for the first time . . . I land. Marcus seems the most shocked as my sudden move clocks him at full speed, sending him quickly to the floor as I flip back up to my feet. I pant, my heart racing as I make eye contact with Maggie, who looks just as amazed as I feel.

Then, Marcus flips himself back up, ready for round two. He disappears.

Great.

On your right!

Just like before, Maggie's voice trails across my thoughts, and I follow. I step back ever so slightly, missing Marcus' sudden reappearance and grab, using the moment to get him right in the jaw while he's open. The impact causes Marcus to be the one flying this time, landing about ten feet away before he slides a bit to a halt. I stand braced for another coming.

He disappears again, catching me off guard. Though, unlike last time, a sinking feeling follows him vanishing, and I instinctively look to Maggie. Her face is pale.

I start to run toward her, reaching out for reasons I can't really explain. But, as if she understands my actions, she takes tight hold of my wrist. As if we had rehearsed it, she uses my force to push herself up into the air, perfectly missing Marcus' phantom attack. I lean back naturally, his arm slicing the air above my face, before I take the opportunity to use the force Maggie has supplied to do a similar move to the previous kick. Only this time, instead of his neck, it's his head.

Upon impact, I knock him out instantly. I don't realize what has happened until I find myself somehow standing beside Maggie, both of us panting a bit. My eyes widen, and look to Maggie, who looks just as shocked as I do that we just did what we did. She eventually looks up at me, her eyes hot, almost alive in a way. Then, surprisingly, she grins.

"You protected me, Goro," she states.

I blink, unsure how to respond. But, I don't have a chance to say anything, falling to the ground. Maggie catches me, looking me in the eyes as I begin to fade out.

I don't see what happens next. All I see is darkness as I’m suspended from reality. Nothing feels real, so it’s hard to differentiate what is fiction and what is reality.

"There's the factor."

Marcus’ voice echoes eerily through my mind, intriguing me some as I try to make out his words. Did I figure it out? If so, I totally didn’t recognize it.

"The factor?"

I’m perplexed to hear Maggie as well, her voice answering Kasami’s as if she was present.

"Yes, you see, there's a specific factor that many Human partners forget when they're paired with Jeweloids," Marcus explains, "Trust, and using the abilities of the other person to your advantage."

What?

"I don't understand," she says, mirroring my emotions almost perfectly.

"He understands the basics of fighting, that's clear," Marcus continues, "But what he has the hardest time getting through his head is that he on his own cannot possibly match up to a Jeweloid. The way he can get around that. . . ." There’s a short pause, then he finishes, ". . . is you."

A strange sensation jolts down my spine as I register his words. Maggie seems just as surprised, stuttering, "M-Me?"

"He's protective of you, it's very obvious," Marcus says. I feel like he says more after, but the darkness I’m in pulls my further into unconsciousness, making the voices even harder to make out. I sense that there is a conversation being held, I just can’t fully grasp it. I catch only the end of a sentence, confused as I don’t catch the main idea, “. . .ove doesn't exist for us, not anymore."

Maggie doesn't say anything in reply, leaving me totally confused. After what feels like seconds, Marcus’ presence seems to vanish, leaving Maggie and I alone, or, at least that’s what I think has happened. I only pick up bits and pieces of the mood, only falling deeper into the void.

"I get that this isn't a good idea . . ." I hear her trail somberly, "I get that to everyone else, I'm just a breathing weapon. . . ."

I suddenly feel something. Though brief, a strange warmth spreading from my forehead down my spine and throughout my entire body. While foreign, it’s calming, and I find myself giving to the tenderness of it as an even greater sensation shoots through me. I feel myself grin some, though that’s the last thing I’m able to perceive before the darkness fully engulfs me, leaving me clueless to what Marcus may have said to Maggie, and what forbidden act Maggie did share with me.

A vow to protect me, making me her partner, written by the silence of our shared lips.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Deanie
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Deanie wrote a review Review · Jan 31, 2015

Hi Serene!

Back again for another review. You haven't been posting too much lately, so I am definitely going to use that to my advantage and try and do some catching up ;)

What an interesting chapter! I like that we see Isugoro have a bit of a shock and wake up call by Marcus. Yes, he would never be able to fight alongside them alone. And Marcus's character is growing on me. He does mistreat his student, but only because he has a harsh way of training. Yes, he is mad at all humans alike, but he also shows that he has been trying to teach Isugoro about the missing factor. And it looks like together Maggie and Isugoro do make a lovely couple and battle partners. You did an awesome job with the battle scene there, and the action was described really well. And while we don't get to know too much about the characters here, you did a good job of tying up the last chapter here and also moving the plot forwards a bit. I wonder what you have in store for happening next. Will Marcus and Hera work together to train them? I doubt it, so I guess I will have to keep reading to find out. ^.^

I felt like this chapter wasn't entirely complete though. You make it seem like a flashback was happening, but when do they catch up with what was said at the beginning the chapter? I feel like you forgot about it, because really those words need to be repeated at some time in the chapter later on when they are arguing for it to be complete. We don't necessarily need to hear Isugoro's thoughts again, but the dialogue at the very least should be repeated one more time.

One thing I also think you need to work on is the flow of this chapter. Reading it doesn't make it flow off my tongue too well, and I am sure you would agree if you read your chapter aloud. You have a lot of little words in one sentence, and those are easy to stumble on. Sometimes you take the long way about saying something when there are ways you can say them in a simpler manner with fewer words as well. You should always take that option instead of the one you are going for at the moment. On top of that, reading your chapters aloud would be awesome. It could help you catch out any awkward moments and I am sure it would improve the writing style a lot.

Something that has begun to bother me with your chapters is how much your characters happen to stammer! I noticed this is an effect you've used repeatedly, and I would like to see it a lot less. It can get annoying after a while, and seeing it so much make your characters sound like they are nervous or shocked all the time! And yes, those emotions are regularly shown throughout your chapter, but there are other ways to showcase them as well, through actions rather than stammering in the dialogue. Try to change it up a bit more.

When Isugoro was sitting around the table and all the people were gossiping about him, I didn't realize that they didn't know it was him that they were talking about! I think you need to make it more obvious. I felt like he was just sitting there and the people were being especially spiteful or something. A while later it clicked in my mind what was going on. But we don't want readers to feel that state of confusion, so make sure it is more obvious.

Speaking of that ordeal, I wanted to feel a bit more of Isugoro's emotions when he realized that he was more comfortable among the Jeweloids than the humans? It must be a bit of a shock to him, to know that the type of people he had grown up with all his life now seem to be ignorant and lost people in his opinion. And I wanted to see more of his emotions on the matter, and thoughts as he realizes this.

Another thing I have noticed you doing - and do believe this is because of the flashback effect - you switch between past and present tense a lot here. I want you to keep in past tense, because this is a flashback so everything should be in that tense. The events have happened in the past, as of the way Isugoro has chosen to tell them. You should only switch back to writing in present tense once the dialogue repeats and we know the events have caught up with each other again. I am sure this is something easily corrected, and I think it might've been a problem because you didn't have the catching up moment as I mentioned previously.

I felt like it was a bit weird to have him unconscious at the end, especially as you then had to switch to a weird omnipresent kind of narrator, which is something you haven't done in this novel at all. And I don't think this is the kind of place to start. I know that you don't want him to remember the final things that have been said when he next wakes up. So here is a solution for you: As everything is being said that you didn't want him to hear, have him conscious but teetering at the edge of consciousness. Then, when he next wakes up show us readers that he doesn't remember the final moments he was awake. That way you avoid switching to a weird narrator voice, and you still have Isugoro not remembering what has been said before. But that does mean that in the end of the chapter you should probably insert his thoughts as everything is being said between Maggie and Marcus, and after Maggie says what she says to him - even if he doesn't remember it and can't move or anything, it would be interesting to see what he thinks.

Time of the technical things!

eating and talking over random things


You don't talk over things, but about things.

the jobs he was having to do today in his sector.


You mean 'the jobs he would have to do today.' This is an example of the awkward switching between past and present tense I mentioned, but it was one that stood out the most so I wanted it to be correct for sure. Hence me pointing it out ^^

"You haven't seen anything that I have


Well, she has seen some things, so 'anything' doesn't seem like the right word to use... How about 'everything' instead.

Well, actually, I guess the day's events do lead to such a happening,


Another example of the mix of past and present that I felt important into to pull out. It should be the 'day's events did lead to such'... etc.

I was taken off guard at Marcus' words, silenced. Marcus simply stared at me, aware He said I'm too weak, but then he mentioned a factor that I'm apparently forgetting.


I felt like the sentence was unfinished. Aware of what? That he had said too much? And that sentence needed a full stop at the end of it as well.

he hit a nerve.


That was a sentence that needed capatilising.

And that's all I have to say on this chapter. Yes, they are pretty long chapters ^.^ I will be back really soon with more to say!

Deanie x

User avatar
pendr
Review
pendr wrote a review Review · Dec 29, 2014

Hi! Pendr here for a review! A couple warnings are that this is the first I've read of this story, and my reviews mainly consist of details like punctuation or grammar.

"You haven't seen anything that I have, you haven't even stepped outside of the Jeweloid sector!" Marcus spits, his voice cold as ice," make this two sentences, the first ending after 'I have.' and change the comma after 'ice' to a period.

"You're no teacher, you're nothing but a self-indulgent jerk!" Maggie snaps.

Her words causing Marcus' stone expression to break, a look of anger taking shape." Make this two sentences as well, ending the first after 'teacher.' Also, make these two lines/paragraphs one.

"I can see why Kasami gets along with him so well, he seems like a nice guy." replace the comma after 'so well' with a semi-colon, 'because,' or something else besides a comma that works.

"Any way, Cent and I basically just did what normal guys our age do, and hung out in my room, eating and talking over random things." 'Any way' is one word, and there's no need for a comma after 'age do' :)

"We hadn't been able to do anything like it for a long time, so despite either of us mentioning it, we both seemed to love every moment. Our actual discussions ranged from serious, like Jeweloids, our opinions, the war, etc., to lighter topics," maybe change 'either' to 'neither,' and I wouldn't actually use 'etc.' in a novel. Instead use something like 'and other similar things'

"Sadly, morning came after we both eventually fell asleep, waking up to my annoying, but effective alarm, just as the sun started to come up." you need a comma after 'effective'

"Conversation quickly started up, the girls interested more in me and anything about me they could find out, though oddly enough, I was able to manage without even giving my name. Strange, but at the same time, not." you need a comma before 'oddly enough'

"He didn't, he fell, as I heard," the boy across from me, Judah, commented." I suggest making 'He didn't' a separate sentence.

"Whatever, no matter what, he doesn't belong here. They should ship him back to whereever it is he came from and get him a doctor," Gillie answered, pointing her fork at him, "He's not doing anything for himself by helping one of those things." Again, I would make 'whatever' its own sentence; 'whereever' needs to be two words; and put a period instead of a comma after 'fork at him,'

"I never said a word, I just continued eating." It may be a good idea to proof read this and make sure you don't have run-on sentences or that you aren't replacing a semi-colon or period for a comma.

"Yeah, I hear he's a weakling too, so probably lanky," Gillie added." you also need a comma before 'too'

I know I'm not near the end, but I'm tired (that's been my excuse a lot lately :P). You have a good story here, and I ask that you forgive my nit-picks. It definitely seems like a worthy novel to get into :D Thank you for sharing your art on YWS!

User avatar
LittleFox
Review
LittleFox wrote a review Review · Dec 20, 2014

Ah, good timing as usual Serene, I'm in need to points and something to review!
Yes this IS pretty long xD but at this point that's alright because your readers should be drawn in well enough that they won't be scared away as easily by length.

Anyway, on to more important matters.

I like how you have started this. Since Maggie and Marcus are both pretty....well, rather hot-tempered, it makes for a great beginning. The reader is eager to read more to see exactly how these two have gotten fired up at each other.

First little nit-pick,
"I haven't laughed so much since I got here. I felt like a normal person for once."
Here you've put a sentence in present tense that is sandwiched between past-tense sentences. Since this is included within Isugoro's flashback on that morning, it should be 'I hadn't laughed so much...,' otherwise it just hits the ear wrong.

"Soon after, I found myself in the cafeteria, void of any Jeweloids."
I would avoid using the word 'void' in the same sentence as 'jeweloids.' As you can see in the sentence I just wrote xD, using similar words in the same sentence can take away from it and make it sound weird. It may seem very small, but it's important.

"Then, they started talking about me. They said my name, and began cackling as they discussed my time at Gelus."
Ok, so for the paragraph that this one is in, I would suggest expanding it. Let the reader feel included in whats happening. Instead of telling the reader what they talked about, let the reader hear it for himself. Perhaps begin it with a strain of dialogue; 'Did you hear about that Isugoro guy....?' or whatever suits you. It makes it waaaay more enthralling. I know you follow with their dialogue right after it, but I feel that starting with it would be better for keeping a good pace to the story.

I really loved the fight scene with Maggie, Isugoro, and Marcus near the end. I think it was actually may favorite scene in the whole novel so far :D

I also enjoy the sense of rising tension I kinda feel in the chapter. It's not too strong, but it gives that feeling that the the story is approaching it's climax. It's nice an subtle, as it should be.

Wow, I actually wrote a decently-lengthed reveiw this time!
Anyway, great work and see you soon!
-LittleFox :D



I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.
— Walt Disney