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LAPIS :Chapter 24:

Without much thought, I take the closest (and heaviest) rock I can find and chuck it as fast as I can at the Noxcus' head. Unfortunately, the rock doesn't exactly hit it's mark, but it still gives me enough of an opening to dodge out of the line of fire. The shot fires straight into the wall I had just been standing by, ricocheting slightly to exit the opposite way. But, I pay no attention, doing my best to position myself well enough to get in a decisive shot.

To my dismay, the Noxcus is already back at a firing stance before I can get my shot up, firing again and again at me. As I try to run behind a lip in the wall of the gorge, one of his shots grazes my right arm, causing me to grunt in sharp anguish. I grip at it as I try to keep myself from shaking from pain.

Unlike our guns, Noxcus use shots that can contain small bits of venom of a notorious creature that lives in their galaxy. When threatened, this creature is said to produce a great amount of this toxin in their venom, though they themselves cannot even stand it. Thus, they throw it up, and that is how Noxcus collect it.

A jolt of pain shoots through my arm and into my spine, causing me to cringe a bit, gritting my teeth to keep me from yelling out. But, I can't allow myself to fall apart, as the Noxcus appears around the lip with his gun raised, ready to fire. Before it can focus its shot, I use my other arm to clock it in the throat, catching it off guard as it stumbles backwards.

Realizing I have a chance to change the tide, I rush it, fighting through the pain to grab its gun away from it. I reposition it in my grasp, aiming the barrel right at its face, before I shoot.

Not expecting such a sharp recoil, the shot causes me to fall backwards, unable to see if I even hit the thing. Though, when I find myself untouched even after my slow struggle to sit up, I realize I landed. Looking in front of me proves it, the Noxcus still, a large hole in his helmet the only thing I can make out, as the explosion of blood has made it almost impossible to see any further damage I caused with the shot.

I suppose a normal person would be a bit put off by the sight of a creature's blood staining the ground a strange color, or just the fact that they just killed something.

I can't allow for such emotions, or else I'd be too weak.

I quickly scan the horizon, looking for any other signs of an ambush. After a minute or two, I come to the decision that it's clear, and I begin to look through the Noxcus' supplies for any extra weapons, or sources of information. The bag the Noxcus was wearing at its side holds numerous items, including a few blades, another gun, this one small, similar to a pistol, one or two map rods . . . and then a single plain rod.

The plain rod in particular catches my eye, and I quickly grab at it, clicking the open button as fast as I can. Once I do, a bright flash goes off, before a large screen appears, written only in Noxcus language. The symbols of the language look very odd to the common eye. The scriblings, as I refer to them, look slightly reminiscent of eastern Orienus writing, but instead of having strokes, it's more curly lines, even including a few circles and other types of shapes. I guess its due to the slight similarity that anyone not taught it gets a bit confused.

I dive right into decoding it, quickly picking myself up along with the new supplies and taking shelter in one of the cavern's shallow caves. As I try to carry everything, the grazed spot of my arm begins to burn, sending numerous jolts of pain through my nervous system. I try my best to ignore it, keeping the pain low by just focusing on the text, but it seems the more I try to think it's not there, the worse it gets. I grunt a bit as I sit, still holding the rod in front of my face, successfully done with the first line.

To better my understanding, I read my translated version out loud to myself, "Objective; Take before it breathes . . . Bring back . . . or leave, depending on the level of necessity . . ."

I begin to think the words over in my head. Take before it breathes? What could they think they gain by taking me out? Though, it doesn't make sense either, since it's obvious that the Noxcus who attacked me wasn't attempting to "bring back" anything of me, unless it means that it was going to take my corpse. Maybe this was going to be a propaganda run, killing me then using me as a trophy as further proof that they can kill and kill quickly.

I run a hand through my hair. "But what is "level of necessity" referring to?" I question myself, "Obviously, they don't really need me dead. I'm just a regular soldier, I can't be of that much importance . . ."

My voice trails off as my eyes finally decipher the second part of the plans. My body goes cold as I read it to myself again and again. But, at the same time, I can feel the blood coursing faster through my veins, and my adrenaline kicking in. The pain in my arm begins to vanish as I immediately begin to throw everything into the sack I brought along with me, looking for something within it at the same time. It takes me longer than I wish it would, but I finally find them; a pair of tech screen glasses I work with commonly when I've been in battle before. I set the ear piece in my left ear drum, making sure it's secure as I click it on. Instantly, a holographic shade appears across my eyes, readings and other information showing on the screen as it comes to life.

While it sets, I find myself taking my AA-12 from the holster at my side, and whipping the safety off, setting it on my shoulder as I cautiously begin to move out of the perimeter. I move the same direction she had, but with now different intentions than before.

This is no longer an exercise. This is war.

"I . . . Isug-goro . . .s-sta-t-tus."

I stop for a second as I hear a static voice speaking to me, before I realize what it is.

Swami found the connection to my shade.

"Swami, can you hear me?" I question, moving faster as I begin to speak.

"Y-Yes, sorry, the connection is a bit weird out there-" he starts, his voice positive.

"I need back-up, ASAP," I interrupt, "Shots have been fired, I've been grazed. This is no longer an exercise Sir, this is really happening . . . Noxcus are here."

A short break occurs, before I can hear Swami calling off orders through the mic, realizing the situation.

"Jintez, how many are there?" Swami questions, on alert.

"I have only seen one so far, but when I found their plans, I was able to scan through, and it looks like we could have a team of maybe five or six on the ground, and that's only for the first part of their ambush plan," I respond, coming around a corner in the gorge, "I can't say I'm aware of their movements right now-"

Shots begin to fire at me from around the curve, and I immediately aim, and start shooting back. "Dammit, shots being fired, Sir!" I yell roughly, still shooting forward at the attackers. I feel something hit my same arm, but I don't react, pushing forward through the gunfire.

"Jintez, is the girl-" Swami starts.

"Sir, she's what they want!" I yell, finally winning the fire battle. Without realizing it, I've been hit a good three times, luckily all non-fatal. But, I can't feel it, as I hear a surprising whoosh noise behind me. I start to move to see it, but then I recall Marcus' fake out move he always used on me during training.

I heed by it, and just as I've learned to do with him, I simply wait, then move out of the way at last second.

It works. Just as Marcus has done to me what feels like hundreds of times, the Noxcus appears just in front of me, rushing where I once stood. As it stumbles forward in confusion, I slam the butt of my gun into the back of its neck, causing it to fall to the ground instantly. As it grunts, speaking curses in its native tongue, I flip the gun around and aim fast, shooting it in the head.

Panting, I carry on ahead, feeling short bursts of stinging throughout my body. I grit my teeth through it, realizing that this isn't a time for pain, or shouting.

I need to find Maggie.

"S-Sir-" I start.

"The girl is about three hundred yards ahead, almost to where the flag is," Swami chimes on, "From what I've seen on the screen, it doesn't look like they've tried to ambush her yet. Hell, I don't even think she knows there's a real threat right now."

"Is she still in the gorge?" I ask.

"She's almost out," Swami replies, before his tone changes a bit, "Jintez, I'm sending a layout to your shade, it'll allow you to keep track of the movements the girl is making. Your goal now isn't to make up; it's to make sure that girl is kept safe and alive. Understood?"

"Yes, Sir," I breathe, beginning to move faster.

Suddenly, the holograph flashes, and before my eyes, a layout of the land appears, a dot flashing in the distance.

Maggie.

I break into a run, my lungs burning as I jump over downed passages, and hear traces of enemies nearby. Some are tailing me, it's obvious, but they're not coming out without being coaxed.

Then, I get a crazy idea.

"Sir, I'm going up," I say, coming out of the shade of shoulder.

"What?" Swami shouts over the mic, apparently baffled, "Are you trying to become minced meat?"

"If I take out the Noxcus above me then I'll be able to just follow the shoulder of the gorge instead of having to deal with all this crap blocking my path," I answer as I finally find a decent ledge to climb up to get back to the surface, "I know I sound crazy, but it's the best option I have right now!"

With that, I use all my strength to lift myself off the ground, and begin to climb up the wall of the gorge, finding it easier once I am above the curved roof of the caverns. It feels in my muscles like centuries, but it only takes me about eighteen seconds realistically to reach the tall grassy top. As quietly as I can, I crawl forward a bit so I'm not hanging off the edge, lifting myself a bit to allow my lungs to fully expand.

Though, I lower myself quickly, hearing rustling near me. I pull my gun from my holster, and begin to look around, turning to find that the Noxcus I knew were following me are on the other side of the gap, seeming perplexed as the stare down in the hole. They don't know where I am anymore.

I smirk a bit, using there open confusion as the green light to raise myself just above the grasses, pulling out the Noxcus gun I took in my other hand as I shoot the closest Noxcus, moving down the line with their gun as I do so.

My sudden appearance catches them all off guard, and just as quickly as I surprised them, they fall one by one as I land somewhat decent shots. I can't say they were all fatal, but it's easy to see that none of them will be moving for a little while, giving me enough time to allow me to continue forward. I fall back into the cover of the brush, moving as quick as I can as I follow Maggie's movements on the holograph.

Maggie, obviously still unaware of what is happening, moves slowly for some reason. The data makes me hopeful that I'll be able to get to her before anyone tries to ambush her, she wouldn't know what to do if more than one suddenly attacked her. Sure, she's pretty good at hand-to-hand combat and is a decent marksmen, but at this point, she is nowhere near close to being able to take on a Noxcus soldier on her own. 

I think back on their reasoning for their ambush, and shudder. Somehow, Noxcus intelligence has found out about Maggie and her strength levels. Although they don't know more than that, they want to take Maggie into custody and groom her into their own weapon.

They want to turn Maggie on Earth.

Suddenly, I hear scurrying from below. I fall farther into the grasses, looking down to see if I can spot anything. 

My blood goes cold as I see Noxcus up ahead in the gorge, closing in on Maggie.

Shit!

I look back up, picking up my pace as I see enemy symbols multiplying on my shade hologram. I grit my teeth in irritation. How the hell did they evade everyone's detection?!

To my annoyance, I'm not able to catch up completely before they fully surround Maggie, making me totally overcome with panic as Maggie seems to stop. She seems to have finally sensed that something is off, what aura I can pick up from hers in my mind now a bit frightened. "W-Who's there?" I hear Maggie stutter, calling out to what she must see as empty threats.

No one responds for a good minute or so, causing Maggie's tension to rise, and my heart beat to double in speed.

Then, my worst fear is realized as she's hit from the side, the impact causing her to fly a good thirty feet backwards into the wall of the gorge. I break into the fastest sprint I can manage as I hear her sharp cry echoing across the landscape as she falls to the muddy floor. As she tries to lift herself up, I see another sharp kick to her gut slams her back into the wall, making it even harder for her to move, and making me even more angry.

They line up in a semi-circle around her, none of them approaching her. They must be sizing her up, trying to determine just how many of them should pounce on her to get her restrained. I try to imagine the fear Maggie must be feeling as I finally make it to a point at the edge that I can see the scene unfolding. She slowly attempts to sit up, her hair covering her face slightly. For a split second, a random thought enters my mind.

Does she even know what a Noxcus looks like?

As if she knew my thoughts, she looks up, her face going totally white. 

"A-AAAAAHH!" Maggie screams, adrenaline kicking in as she huddles into a sitting position. The Noxcus chuckle, speaking amongst themselves as they begin to reach for her. I pause, and immediately reach for one of my guns. Though, my action is unneeded. Almost on que, Maggie releases a power shock, sending the aliens flying off their feet in various directions. Realizing she has an opening, Maggie struggles to stand, and stumbles off, finding a run eventually as she does her best to escape.

I sigh in relief, and use her actions to my advantage as I pull up my AA-12 and take out all the dazed Noxcus I possibly can. Like I expected, they seem caught totally off guard as bullets rain down at them, but my upper hand is short lived.

It appears one has been trailing me, and in my quick attempt to give Maggie some air, I wasn't watching my back. A Noxcus pulls me back and throws me to the ground. I look back over my shoulder to see it throwing itself at me, a large knife readied in its grip. Quickly I dodge, rolling out of the way before stumbling to my feet. I reach into the pouch and search for a weapon as quickly as possible. The Noxcus gets back to its feet and starts again at me, sending me to a panic as I fail to locate any of the blades. In a moment of fight or die, I pull my AA-12 from the holster and use it to shield myself.

As the blade hits the steal, I kick the Noxcus in the gut, throwing it back to the ground. I turn my gun and aim quickly, shooting fast at its head. Instant kill.

I don't waste a moment. I turn and immediately start to sprint again. I can hear the remaining Noxcus running in the gorge, and looking ahead, my stomach sinks.

There's a dead end.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I'm caught off guard as Maggie's voice rings through the air. I look down, and am shocked to watch her halt, turning back around to see the Noxcus gaining on her. She pants as her nerves begin to well up, but she still takes the stance I recall HERA teaching her. With that, her hands spark a bit, before full on blazes begin to burn from her fists.

I don't get the chance to watch her attack, as I'm once again shot at. I turn, seeing another rouge Noxcus rushing me. I grunt in annoyance, "You've gotta be kidding me!"

Without warning, its gun jams, and it, like the one previous, decides to fight me. Though, unlike the other, this one seems to know how to fight. It throws itself at me before I'm able to bring my gun all the way up. We roll in the grass for a few moments before it somehow gets on top, trying to get its claws around my neck so it can probably choke me out or something. I push it back with all the strength I can muster, before I finally get enough distance between us that I can use my foot. I kick it right off of me, before I flip back up to a standing position to face it.

"H-Help!" 

Maggie's cries overtake my mind. I glance over to see that Maggie has only been able to stun the Noxcus below, trying her best to make her way up the wall of the gorge before they can come to.

"Maggie!-" I start, before my legs are suddenly taken out. I grunt as I turn over, escaping the Noxcus' grip. I don't give a shit about this thing anymore, I need to get to Maggie; now.

Unfortunately, the Noxcus seems to get smart. Knowing that my intentions are Maggie, it quickly grabs the first weapon it can and runs off from me. I glance down and register that it's my AA-12, my mind halting as I realize it's going to shoot her. "Don't you dare!" I shout.

I look down at Maggie for a split moment, my adrenaline pumping as she finds herself incapable of escaping before they reach her, even with a power shock she releases to numb them for a moment. I divert my eyes, and quickly the Noxcus gun I had dropped comes into view. With a glance, I see she's only half way up when she hears the sharp click of my gun. I grab and start to raise my weapon as her eyes immediately find the Noxcus with a shaft pointing right at her head.

Her face goes snow white, her heart almost stopping in fright, but she still lets out a scream, "Someone, please!"

"Hell no you won't," I say between gritted teeth as I pull the trigger. Suddenly, the Noxcus' head explodes, prompting me to move and causing Maggie to scream again in disgust as blood flies. But, she's quickly distracted as she feels her grip giving, and she begins to fall back.

"A-Ahhh-" she starts.

"Gotcha!"

I can hardly believe I was able to slide across the grass and grab for her, just barely catching her wrist. Her eyes are wide in total shock as she registers I just caught her, trying my best to reassure her as I pull her up over the edge just before the Noxcus below can reach her. As soon as I get her in my arms, she takes tight hold of me, her body shaking as she grips tightly to my body. An immediate feeling of calm takes over me as I register I have her in my embrace, content that I can now do my job as raise us to our feet so we can step back from the edge.

Unfortunately, I can't waste much more time to really care for her before Noxcus begin to charge us again. I shoot at the ones below in the gorge just as their reinforcements begin to run toward us. Knowing it's one of our only choices, I look to Maggie.

"Maggie, Maggie, look at me," I say, kneeling her to the ground so to dodge attacks from below, "I need you to fight with me."

"H-H-How do I do that?!-" Maggie starts.

"That power surge thing you did to that group, just put some more juice into it, and you can knock those who come at us from the rear," I say, searching her eyes, "Hey, I'm right here, ok? We'll be alright."

It seems my words help, as only a moment passes before she nods, turning around to lean against me back to back. With a silent count off, she and I jump up and instantly start taking out the Noxcus lines. Because those I'm shooting at are below me, I have the advantage. I use their gun along with one of my own, hitting each of the at least once to send them running. Maggie, a bit scared, though not wanting to be just dead weight, focuses multiple attacks on incoming Noxcus, up-ing the power in her attacks every time to find the perfect point to knock out, but not kill.

On the thirty-eighth round, and Maggie seventh perfected attack, all the Noxcus have been taken down, leaving Maggie and I panting, but ultimately safe.

"Jint..ez."

The speaker on my shade goes off, Swami voice cracking to life in my ear. I sigh, "Yes, I got her. We're both ok, lines have been taken-"

BANG

I feel a sharp jolt to the lower right side of my abdomen, and instantly I cringe to the ground, a loud grunt of pain escaping my throat. Maggie turns and rushes to my side.

"G-Goro? Isugoro!?" she yells, panicking as she kneels beside me.

I look up at her, my brow furrowed due to the pain as I try to push her away, "G-Go, now. They're after you."

"What? Are you joking, I can't just leave you here!" she says.

"It would be better if only one of us goes out here if that happens," I argue, "Maggie, I can't protect you like this-"

"But I can protect you."

With that, Maggie takes both of the guns from my holsters, and whips around, finding the three targets instantly. The three raise their guns, but Maggie starts shooting before they have a chance, surprising finding her mark immediately with the first shooter. The other two go into kill mode as soon as their comrade falls, and for the first time I've seen, it seems Maggie just gives herself over to her powers. 

She dodges their shots by flashing, appearing behind both of them as she starts shooting again. She injures both, but neither of them fall as she seems to run out of bullets in one, and the other jams. Throwing them to the side, Maggie rushes the most injured of the two, using her limited fighting training as best as she can. She throws a round-house kick at the Noxcus' face, sending it flying, and causes it to release its gun on impact. Taking the chance, Maggie grabs the weapon, repositioning it as she turns towards the lone charger. It shoots first, actually hitting her right in the side. If Maggie was a regular human, the hit would've sent her to the ground, even with her adrenaline, but as a Jeweloid, she holds firm. She takes its moment of weakness and shoots it right in the head with their own weapon, causing it to fall limply to the ground.

I watch in utter shock, unsure how to respond to her sudden abilities. She pants slightly, and I can tell from the look on her face that she hasn't registered her actions. We need to get out of here. "Mag-"

"No."

We're both caught off guard as a blade suddenly comes to my neck, rendering me mute as Maggie turns slowly to find the Noxcus she had kicked is now holding me captive. Her eyes are wide in slight panic, darting between mine and the Noxcus. Suddenly, it yells in its native language, the tone severe as it presses the blade closer against my skin. Immediately I become worried, as I recognize what the Noxcus has said, but I know Maggie doesn't. She looks confused, becoming more scared as she realizes its telling her to do something.

Carefully, I open my mind. It wants you to slowly put the gun down.

Maggie looks startled by my voice for a flash of a moment before she looks calm again, following my words by cautiously kneeling to the ground, putting the gun down with a soft thud.

It yells at her again, and I quickly translate. Stand up.

She does as told, keeping eye contact with the Noxcus the entire time as she rises to her feet. Without warning, she stumbles a bit, her face flinching some. My brow furrows slightly, quickly putting two and two together as I glance down; the gunshot is starting to take effect. She hides the weakness as best she can, but I know she won't be able to do so for much longer. She needs to get out of here.

It seems Maggie heard my statement, her expression becoming more determined as her voice plays in my mind. Don't you dare try to be a martyr. I won't forgive you.

Any thoughts I had immediately vanish as I suddenly can't see anything. I hear the Noxcus croak slightly, before the pressure against my neck has evaporated. I sense I'm free, immediately falling some before I can see again. The Noxcus stands right in front of me, appearing dazed as it looks around. Then, before I can blink, Maggie appears behind it, her hands fast as she takes his head, and whips it around. The Noxcus can't even scream, its vocal chords ripped in half as its spinal column is completely severed, dead before it can even fall to the ground between us.

Neither of us move, in total shock as we both stare at the now dead enemy. After a moment, I find a grin of relief rising on my face, and I breath freely, even though it causes a jolt of pain to shoot up my spine. I cringe a bit, but not as much as before.

Then suddenly, Maggie falls to her knees. I blink in surprise, taken back as I see her whole body shaking, her eyes empty as she stares blank at her hands. Tears slowly begin to fall over the rims of her eyes, and she starts to shutter.

"O-Oh my God. . . ." she trails to herself.

"M-Maggie-" I start.

"I killed someone, I actually killed someone!" Maggie cries, grasping her head, "Holy shit, I'm a murderer. . . ."

My brow furrows deeper as I watch her crumble into herself. Like Cent, Maggie isn't very good with the idea of war. But unlike him, Maggie doesn't have a say in whether or not she has to fight. She has no choice.

With that, I do my best to ignore the horrible pain and step over the body so I can sit behind her. I don't waste time to adjust, I simply pull her into me, allowing her to cry into my chest. Her sobs are mixed with pain-filled grunts, the venom of that damned weapon finally getting the best of her as she drops her guard. I feel useless, though I hide my true feelings as a craft finally appears in the distance flying towards us, picking us up to take us back to the base and get emergency healing probably.

I taste blood in my mouth, but I ignore it, focusing what strength I have left on comforting Maggie, stroking her back as I whisper to her that it's alright.

Then, I squeeze her a bit, and sigh, "I accept your request. I'll be your partner, Maggie."

Her hold on my tightens, her way of recognizing that she heard my decision. Here, among the salty plains before land meets the ocean, Maggie saw her first sight of war, of kill or be killed. I relived the fear of that day when I thought we'd die for a moment. I don't want to stay in this Hell.

I want to take her away before she has to see anything else of this cruel, dark world. I want to protect her.

I will protect her.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Sun Feb 08, 2015 7:01 am

Hi Serene!

I am back again, powering through these chapters! It seems like this is very much the action scene of story and that was interesting. I like that you included it now because after all their training I did want to see how it would work when they actually went into the war. The idea of Maggie being afraid of death and killing like that as well was accurate - knowing her character I did believe she would react like that as well. It was interesting how even though at the end Isugoro was the one who was in pain, he was still the one comforting her in the end. But that didn't surprise me either too much because he is such a giving person, and for Maggie he would definitely give all he could. In the end he had a strong resolve, and Maggie was lost, which showed how you did have some character development stemming from this line of the plot as well. That was pretty good to have in there, and in general I liked this chapter ^^ But I did think there were some more improvements to be put in there.

One thing is, when you are writing fighting scenes I notice that you focus solely on the fighting. But you can make everything so much more detailed. Include the setting in there. I remember them being in a snowy area from the previous chapter, but I don't have sense of where they are at all in this chapter. Mention how the snow grouping around his feet and causing him to sink with every step is slowing him down. Tell us that the snow is whipping in his face as he makes his shots, making it difficult to aim accurately and see every approaching move. Let us know how the cold is seeping into his skin and battling with the sweat dripping down his back. Tell us what he can smell and feel and hear. Make a note of every single sense when writing this, because those details will make these action scenes a whole lot more vivid and also realistic. This is what us readers want to see.

I feel like this action scene is very much contained to this chapter and won't really stem into the rest of the novel? I may be mistaken about that. But when Isugoro decoded the message I really wanted to know why the were after Maggie. Was it because she was a Class Zero, or is there something special about her we have yet to know? We don't get to see the whole message, so we never get to know just how much information Isugoro can gleam from it. But I did want to know what the Noxcus's motives were, and that was never revealed. If this storyline doesn't delve deeper into the plot, then you need to make sure we get the reasoning in this chapter!

In fact, like me, she had been talked to by Swami about what happened the previous night. She was filled in on why I reacted the way I did, and understood, and had made up her mind to apologize to me when she saw me today. But, for some reason, instead of doing anything she had planned on, as soon as she saw me, she turned bitter.


Okay, you have chosen to write this in first person. In first person you can not change point of views suddenly. When you write in first person you have to stick to that person's viewpoints and everything, and that is it. When you changed to Maggie's it bothered me a lot because that is not allowed. You're going to have to have us find out all this information in a completely different way. Maybe she will tell us at some point, or maybe Isugoro thinks that Swami must have talked to her and just made that assumption. I don't know how you would show us the ambush that she goes through, but maybe you could have Isugoro close enough to see it all unfolding, but busy with other Noxcus which is why he can't help until the end. But whatever you do, we have to stick to his point of view and we can't change. We can't see her thoughts as well. You have never done this before, so don't start making those jumps now.

I felt like this chapter was fairly emotionless and lacked depth, excepting the ending. I felt like there was fighting, and more fighting, but it didn't make me feel anything which was why I couldn't care for it too much. I feel like if you add in the senses that I mentioned earlier it would help a lot. But you shouldn't have Isugoro shoving the pain away so much. Make him feel out of breath, desperate to reach Maggie and cringing from the amount of pain he is under. Make him look at their dire situation, surrounded with all those Noxcus and accept the fact that they might die here. What are his thoughts as he thinks about dying away from his best friend, Cent? Make them realise the small chance they have of survival here. I feel like adding in some more thoughts like that and taking some of the focus away from the fighting is valuable. I think what you did here is focus on the action and forgot the emotion, setting and other elements as well. Make sure you keep including all of it in there.

Double check the flow of the words here by reading it aloud as I have mentioned in my previous two reviews. You are still using a lot of little words in some patches, but not in all of them. That was done better.

I couldn't visualise what the Noxcus looked like. You did give us a lot of information on what they can do and how they can kill, but not enough of a description of their appearance. Make sure you slip that in somewhere, because in my mind I am not sure if they are supposed to look human or more animalistic... that would be up to you, but we need some more words so we can get some imagery there!

HERA had been beating me to a pulp, using every chance she got to pin me to the ground, or make me shout from a jump scare.


This is related to how you can't change point of view in first person again. When you wrote 'me' it completely baffled me, because me was only referring to Isugoro for all the chapters so far. Just mentioning this as for further proof as to why you have to stick to the same point of view.

I felt like the last moments of the fight were a bit too easy. Maggie was surrounded by three Noxcus and all she does is pick up a gun and shoot them. It was a bit underwhelming. Maybe have her shoot two, because she has two arms, and then we can see the final one have time to aim at Isugoro. But at the last moment Maggie uses the vanishing act and appears behind the Noxcus, shooting it in the head and ended up splattered in blood. Or maybe something completely different! I don't mind, but I think it would be better if it was a bit more suspenseful... I wanted to see a bit more from those final moments.

When it comes to the technical things, this chapter was awfully well written! I honestly only have one nitpick:

and Maggie seventh perfected attack


It should be Maggie's seventh attack.

That's all I have to say! A decent chapter and something different to what we are used to in this novel. I am steadily getting there and will try and read a few more chapters tonight.

Deanie x

There's no snow XD
There in what's currently California, near current day Fort Braggs, and it's July. I really need to specify that it appears XD
I haven't written a full on action scene for LAPIS since the intro so it's a bit weird for me but upon editing I'll fix it up.
The ending is underwhelming, I know! I had actually had a few other ideas but the other contender just seemed too...man of steel (I hope you get the reference XD). Idk I may do another version with that and see what people think
Yes the transition from 1st person...I'm having an issue with this. There are parts in this story that have to be told from other peoples point of view, especially in the second LAPIS novel, DUET. I wanted to have a way to transition specific parts to a different character view, but it's proving to be an issue. I'll figure it out
Thanks!
~Maddie

An idea for switching point of view could simply be to label each chapter with a name, and then that is the point of view it is in? Or you could have the names in the middle of the chapter as well, just to symbolize the change instead of it being sudden!

User avatar
LittleFox
Review

Oh sweet, I didn't even see this one was up already. I'm happy now :D

"Unlike our guns, Noxcus use shots that can contain small bits of venom of a notorious being that lives in their galaxy. It's a small creature that lives on a small planet on the outer range of the galaxy, similar to our lizards. When threatened, this creature is said to produce a great amount of this toxin in their venom, though they themselves cannot even stand it. Thus, they throw it up, and that is how Noxcus collect it."
I can't say I'm very fond of the 'documentary-feel' of this bit here. I think it would be much better if you just tucked these little facts in between action rather than placing them all together.

"She ran off from me with a sharp curse and an angry glare, though she honestly wasn't that mad at me. In fact, like me, she had been talked to by Swami about what happened the previous night. She was filled in on why I reacted the way I did, and understood, and had made up her mind to apologize to me when she saw me today."
How does Isugoro know this? Unless I missed something, it doesn't seem that this should be within his knowledge as of yet. And then the next scene is talking about Maggie, but Isugoro isn't there to witness it. When you do first person, you really can't step outside your speaker's view. The reader just has to find out what happened when Isugoro finds out.

Anyway, aside from that this chapter was pretty good! keep writing :D
-LittleFox

Yeah that's my awkward way of going from 1st to 3rd person. I need to fix it XD

User avatar
TimmyJake
Review

Timmy here! :3

This piece is about as long as Return of the King, so I will just comment on it as I go, okay? And since I haven't read the previous chapters, I am sorry, but my review will have to mostly stick to the technicalities. If I see anything out of place that's obvious enough, and I know it's wrong character/plot wise, I will be sure to let you know. But this review will mostly be on the technical side of your chapter.

Let's head into it.

One thing I am noticing with this is a tendency to head into long explanations of things as you write, over-explaining parts of your chapter which could have been simplified. Parts like that make the piece become somewhat boring - although the rest of the chapter is very interesting and fun to read - and there are a few things you could do to make those parts less technical and dry sounding and have more life in them. For one thing, your writing in many places heads over to the essayish side of things. Words such as thus are difficult to incorporate into novels because of their usage elsewhere. Because you use them as one would use furthermore and moreover. It would be a good idea to skim your pieces and see how you can remove the words that head over into the essay part of the world.

There were some parts of this where I thought you could have done better giving us information. Places where you were explaining things, such as where you told us about the animals and how they released the venom when the felt threatened. That part especially felt very info-dumpish, and like you suddenly remembered that the reader knew nothing bout the animal, and you had to scramble to explain about it before you moved on. That, and you gave us all that information in the middle of an intense scene. That equals trouble. Because right when the beasty stung the character, you went into an explanation of how the venom works... and the entire scene, which before was full of tension and anxiety for the character, now was about an explanation of something. Which effectively brought your entire scene to a crashing halt for a good amount of time, while you went and explained this to us. That isn't a good idea. There is a time and a place for everything, and while you're in the middle of an action scene, you keep it in the action so that the reader can remain anxious and in that part of the story. Don't mix them up as you are.

"H-H-How do I do that?!-" Maggie starts.


Double punctuation marks at the end of a sentence is a no-no. You need to reduce this to one. If your character is screaming the question, then you can use the exclamation mark in its proper place and it'll act better than a question mark would. If the character is just asking it in a normal tone of voice, then you need to just use the question mark - nothing more.

I like your style of wring a lot, and it tends to vary from informal to formal throughout the chapter. You have a way with expressing your characters very well - probably your best strength with writing. Your descriptions could use a little bit of work, as can your usage of pronouns, as repeating Maggie over and over can get a bit redundant and annoying. I would look into using pronouns more often when referring to any of your characters. But, anywho, I really did enjoy this and I love your novel. :3
~Darth Timmyjake

I hope you read the rest of the chapters cause honestly I don't write action scenes like this much XD
Thank you for your input I appreciate it :)
~Maddie

User avatar
ChimeraMania
Comment

I kind of figured Maggie would react that way when it came to killing.

Yeah she may try to act cool, but she's still technically only an inexperienced 17 year old XD



The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
— Alvin Toffler