Young Writers Society

I hath returned for chapter two!

It was a girl’s voice; no boy could ever scream like that.

He hated to admit it, but he was scared what they would find when they reached the girl.

Suddenly there was a loud clap and a boy flew across the street and slammed into a building. Cole wouldn’t describe it as flying, but rather hurtling towards a large brick building. He and Leven watched in amazement as the boy stood and rushed back across the street, disappearing into an alleyway.

“We said come alone.” the man in the middle growled.

It had just occurred to him that he was a witness of a kidnapping.Obviously, this boy was here to negotiate some kind of return.

“We’re not here to help,” Leven protested. “We were on our way to school when…” she turned and looked at Cole.

“Not until you tell me what you were doing to that poor girl.” The boy laughed.

“Me?” he pointed to the guys behind him.

Heya Noelle! Black here for another quick Review!


Okay, hello again! So let me begin: This piece's pro's and con's are much alike those of the first chapter – You have better grammar, a bit messed up and out of place description, great action and pacing, good idea, rather short size, lots of prospective action, and a botched up ending.

So let me tell you: This piece was really great. Better than the previous one. Why, you ask: Simply because this piece had lots of violent action. Fill your story end-to-end with action and your readers will positively LOVE you! Really though: Action is what keeps a story alive and you do a great job with it! So I'm going to cover your problems really quick here (Dead-line ).

The problem with your ending is simple! There is a rule in writing: Don't use dramatic, suspensive endings to chapters too much in the same book. And well, you broke it. Why do we have this rule? Because having endings like this time and time again gets really old really quickly. You need to be very careful with it. I'd advise you to end the chapter more smoothly, let the fight end and let the real change in the story (That I suspect is coming) begin.

This would help you not only to fix your bad ending, but it would really improve your chapter's size (So you know this is a VERY small chapter. Especially for a novel). Most novels have chapters ranging from about 2,000 words to 5 or 6,000 words. Seeing as this IS YWS I'd advise you to keep your postings below 1500 words (If you want good reviews anyway), but to break up your chapters.

Okay, for the problem with your descriptions. Though it's usually a very good idea to avoid extensive descriptions in a story (Especially in action), I think you would do well to toss in a few words here and there that would help to build up a view of the story. I mean, instead of saying 'The boy threw the rock at the door' you would say 'The fire-eyed boy hurled the jagged granite boulder at the sturdy door'. That was exaggerated but I'm hoping you see my point.

Anyway! I warned you this would be a quick review! Good luck here! Great work again! A bit of time and effort and you could fix a lot of your problems real easily! Again I must urge you to KEEP WRITING! You will improve!


~Black~

Your story has taken off in two directions it seems. I was expecting the typical rescue scene but then you threw in this invisibility as well to make matters worse. Very clever way to twist an otherwise expectable scene.

Once again kudos on the characterisation, already have an idea about this new boy, although this chapter was considerably shorter. I think if it was longer I could have read some more on Leven, etc, it feels like the characters from the last chapter have faded away and you are focusing directly on the characters of this chapter.

Now I am curious to see how the story will progress, who is the real villain, because I have my suspicions. It would outwardly seem like the men are the villains, but there is something I don't trust about the other two. The fact that Cole went invisible seems to me like someone else's doing.

Make sure you tell me when you write your next chapter

Hey Noelle,

You write well and it's apparent in these scenes. I think the biggest problem here is the events - leading up to this scene, it seemed like a normal day for Cole -- there's this mention of a lightning storm, which I still think is rather suspicious -- and he seems to want to be home/want to see his parents.

All of sudden, on his way to school, he hears a scream and it seems to lead him to some sort of hostage/kidnapping situation. Normally, I'd ask where is everyone else/onlookers and such, but I guess that's answered away because of the small population of 500 or so, that I did think was thrown in there sort of haphazardly/randomly, but then again, it would answer this sort of question I had, so at the same time, I do think the information is needed, but maybe instead of giving us an exact number, something like it was sparsely populated/mostly deserted would work fine. The 500 just felt a bit random/jarring.

Now, as to the events of this chapter -- the deal with the invisibility felt like a deus ex machina - just something that comes from no where to help the hero in his moment of crisis. The best way to avoid this sort of situation is to foreshadow in the beginning chapter that he might have some sort of invisibility power -- or even that people seem to go missing -- basically, any sort of information that might clue the reader that something like this is going to happen, without actually telling us. That way, when we get to that scene, it won't come across as too random/too perfect/coincidental.

I hope this helps! Always a pleasure to read your works!

~ as always, Audy

It was a girl’s voice; no boy could ever scream like that. And she sounded scared.

flew across the street and slammed into a building. Cole wouldn’t describe it as flying, but rather hurtling towards a large brick building.

Debris entangled his golden locks. It was a shame because Cole figured that he had really cool hair when it was properly combed.