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Young Writers Society


12+

A Hero's Welcome - Prologue

by Noelle


Crack.

The lightning struck the ground with such force that it broke in half, revealing the depths of the inside of the planet. Some unlucky soul, a teenager already trying to get out of the way of the raging fire, ran right into the crevice. He cried out and flailed his arms as if that would save him from the sure death that he faced. But his voice faded quickly and he became just another victim of the terror that ensued.

A wave of fire roared, crackling because of the houses it claimed as if it were laughing at the people of Estyria. In response, those people ran, jumping over those already dead or dying in their desperation to be saved. They were racing through the streets of the city, dodging fallen trees and chunks of buildings like it was a game of Frogger.

There was a cave just outside the boundaries of the city, one with enough power to keep everyone inside it safe from anything. It was perfect for waiting out the storm. That was the ultimate destination. It was only big enough to hold a few hundred people. Once it was full, there would be no safe haven.

A bolt of purple lightning, energy pulsating around it, struck down a tree. It fell and landed on a nicely dressed man. He tried to fight his way out from underneath, reaching out a hand for someone to help. But no one stopped, much less noticed him lying there on the ground. The fire surged up behind him and took him up greedily, his skin smouldering and peeling until all that was left was a pile of bones and some deep red muscle that the fire had forgotten.

Just ahead were two school girls, hand in hand, still in their uniforms. They weren't very fast, but they did enough to keep ahead of the fire. The edge of town was just a half of a mile away. The cave could be seen up ahead. A few people rushed into the safety of its walls, relieved that they were safe.

"Come on," the girl with orange hair cried, pulling her dark haired friend along behind her. "We can make it!" But just as she said it, lightning coursed down from the sky and struck her friend to the ground. The hand slipped from hers and she doubled back.

"Karla!" The girl knelt down next to her friend. Karl's skin had turned a light purple color and she was shaking ever so slightly. Her friend grabbed her arm, wincing as the skin burned her. But she wasn't going to let her friend die.

But Karla reached up and pushed away her friend's hand. "Go without me," she said, her voice no more than a hoarse whisper. "I don't want you to suffer the same fate."

"But--but how can I--you're here--"

"Just go!" Karla was determined to get her friend to safety. Her friend was about to argue when the fire began rushing forward. The girl with the red hair cried out in terror and ran in the direction of the cave without saying goodbye to Karla. Karla watched her go until she could see her no more.

And then the fire swallowed her whole.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emma had seen the whole thing. Finally, when it had seemed that the terror was over, she crept out of her hiding spot behind the dumpster. Walking along the streets of the city, she caught glimpses of the stiff corpses lying on the ground. Her small, thirteen year old body heaved with silent tears as she walked. These were her people, the ones she had grown up with, started a colony with, pledged to serve for years to come. And here they were; dead. Her father, the mayor, was among those dead.

Leaning against the side of a building, she sunk to the ground and put her head in her hands. She couldn't help but cry now. There was nothing left for her, no one to look after her. What was she going to do? How would the colony survive this? They wouldn't. That was the answer. Nothing would be the same.

A sudden smell of burning hair filled the air. Confused, Emma looked around to see where it was coming from. All too late, she realized what was causing the smell. She looked up just as the lightning came down on her. And the world went dark.


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Thu May 29, 2014 7:44 pm
notresponsible wrote a review...



Notresponsible here to write a review.

I figured since you critique my stories you know how to write a good story yourself so I decided to look up your work. After reading this I knew I made the right choice.

You delivery was excellent! It looks like the end of the world. The way you introduced Emma you made her seam like a main character but then you took her away in an instant yet memorable fashion. The prologue left me wanting to read more

I see no problems with your punctuation or grammar.

I got confused by the cave part. A cave with power? Was it man made? Will it be a safe place if there was flooding?

Since it's just the prologue I guess I'll just have to read on.


Great Job!




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 7:02 pm
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey Noelle! Iggy here to review your work.

I seriously love how we are instantly thrown into the action! You describe the storm as cruel and relentless, an unnatural world disaster. The characters are introduced and killed off quickly. We immediately see what kind of environment this is, where people abandon their loved ones to save themselves.

I didn't find any major nitpicks to talk about, so kudos on that! Your story flowed nicely and I look forward to reading more. :)

Just keep writing!

~ Iggy.




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Mon Jun 17, 2013 9:09 pm
Sins wrote a review...



Yo yo yo yo yo, Noelle! I'm currently on the stalk for some new novels (one of my many endearing attributes) to start following here on YWS, and so I've come to check this out to see what I think. :)

Crack.

A very simple, but effective opening methinks

The fire surged up behind him and took him up greedily...

I kind of feel like you could use a more powerful verb here rather than took him up. Something like ate him up would be good, I think, as you use greedily a few words later

The hand slipped from hers and she doubled back.

I see why you've used the hand here instead of her hand because you use hers a few words later, but I can't help feeling that the sounds a bit... impersonal? I guess it's just something to consider changing, but hey, this is only a tiny nit-pick so don't stress over it!

Karl's skin had turned a light purple color and she was shaking ever so slightly.

I think you mean Karla ;) Although hey, Karla may be a bloke as well as a girl, I know nothing

The girl with the red hair cried out in terror and ran in the direction of the cave without saying goodbye to Karla.

Well that's rather mean of her (the non-Karla girl)

And then the fire swallowed her whole.

Good line!

Overall


Right then, so I think this was pretty great. It is the perfect length for a prologue because you don't bog us readers down with loads and loads of detail, but it's not so short and vague that we just end up completely confused either. You've got a great balance basically. You gave a good overview of the situation without delving too much into details so that I could understand what was going on, but I was still left with questions at the end wondering what was going on, what world this is set in, what's causing all of this lightening, is it natural? Unnatural? e.t.c. When your writing has the ability to make readers ask those kind of questions, you know you've got something good because they are exactly what makes them want to read on!

Now as for critiques, I don't have bucket loads because this is both short and a generally good piece of writing, but I do have a few things I want to mention that can hopefully help you improve this to make it even better. The first thing I want to talk about is the scene where Karla and her friend part ways as Karla's looking worse for wear on the ground being all burned and gross and stuff. Basically, it's a little... melodramatic, I suppose is the word. A little unrealistic.

But Karla reached up and pushed away her friend's hand. "Go without me," she said, her voice no more than a hoarse whisper. "I don't want you to suffer the same fate."


That's the killer line(s). It just makes my mind instantly transfer to those cringeworthy movies where one of the characters is dragging themselves across the ground in mid-death with their arm outstretched whilst their friend dramatically sobs and refuses to leave them to die, but then that dying person whaps out the cliche line, "no, go on without me!" Whta you have here is pretty similar, almost identical really. It's only the part I quoted that really bothers me to be honest though because otherwise, I think you handle Karla's death and her friend's reaction to her death very well. Just tweak this part a little maybe!

The only other thing I have to critique is regarding Emma. Now while I do like that you introduced a character to us and gave a bit of background information on said character, I can't help feeling that it's a little ineffective and pointless because, well, she's dead by the end of this. Well she might not be I guess and she could appear next chapter or be relevant in future chapters, but if not, I'm half tempted to suggest that you just take her part out and end it with "And then the fire swallowed her whole." It's your novel and so it's obviously up to you, but I would maybe think about it. Definitely if Emma isn't at all relevant in the future of this novel anyways.

But yes, I think that's it! I'm really glad I came to read this actually because it's really intrigued me and I want to find out more. I'm desperate to know where this story leads to, and I'm definitely going to read on. Hopefully see you in chapter one, eh? :D

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




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Mon Jun 10, 2013 3:01 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Ooops I was supposed to post that comment up here - still learning how to navigate this thing.

I really loved reading this! I really like the way you've set your plot up - giving a little mystery here and there.
I also like how vague it is in terms of genre, setting, time period etc. What's a prologue for if it's not to grab your interest and ask yourself questions right off the bat?
I'm already involved & can't wait to read what happens next.

xoxo




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Thu Jun 06, 2013 3:28 am
gabriellasloan wrote a review...



I laughed at the Frogger reference. It made me laugh even though the situation was pretty gruesome.
The description was amazing. I felt like I was actually there. It was horrific and terrifying but also gripping. The bit about the two school girls was heartbreaking. They were only in the story for a few paragraphs, but as a reader I was really attached.
The part with Emma was equally sad. (I always love characters with the name Emma. It's really odd, but it's a good thing for you, hm? ;)
I can't wait to read more!




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Mon May 06, 2013 7:32 pm
tragicHearts wrote a review...



Here goes my review hope you like it.

This left me breathless and very vivid details that grip the reader from the start. Really not much else to say that hasn't already been said. Also loved how you still introduced a character even though you killed her. Will be looking out for more chapters of this story to read.

Keep writing and above all have fun doing it.




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Sun May 05, 2013 11:05 pm
Picklesole wrote a review...



Quite a scene you've set, it's awesome. I like how you introduced characters before they died, not a lot of people go into that much depth. It really shows the horror of the situation and the desperation of the people. I also like how you wrote the end; you not only give context/background info, you also set up a little cliffhanger that will blend into the first chapter perfectly. So yes, I really enjoyed the prologue, and I'll definitely be waiting for more! I have only two nitpicks:
1) When Karla and her friend are introduced, I think it's supposed to be "Karla's" instead of "Karl's."
2) When Karla is saying her last words to her friend, it seems a little awkward when she says "Go without me, I don't want you to suffer the same fate." It's just...I wouldn't be speaking in that manner if I just got shot by lightning, unless that is the natural dialect of the people. If that's the case, then try to connect the narrative and the dialogue's vernacular a little more. Yeah. :)
Okey dokey that was it! I really liked it, and I can't wait to read more!




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Sun May 05, 2013 2:44 pm
mystogan wrote a review...



It was very emotive without being overdone. I like how I was made to care for random people who died only too soon, like the well-dressed man, karla, and the mayor's daughter. A very interesting opening. However I cannot yet place this story too well until I know what time or era it is set it. I would think it is modern days because of the mayor and school uniform but the idea of a colony and the purple lightnining suggest either a magical past or a hectic futuristic period. Either way I look forward to what is coming next.

I was a bit uneasy about the way the description started but it quickly picked up for me. I like the tragedy concept for the opener but you have yet to reveal what genre this novel will really take. Will it continue in a tragical way or will it become something else? There is quite a range of possibilities. I look forward to how you will continue this, if you do decide to carry on that is :)




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Sat May 04, 2013 8:43 pm
onedarkhorizon wrote a review...



I love this genre so I'm always reading stuff like this and yours didn't disappoint! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I definitely can't wait to read next chapter, great opening. Sorry I'm being brief, I've got to leave for work soon but I really enjoyed it. :)




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Sat May 04, 2013 2:34 pm
Aisha says...



Its really good. I was totally hooked, like someone else already mentioned. And the way you've presented it is excellent. I'm sooo looking forward to reading more of this novel.:)




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Sat May 04, 2013 12:24 pm
EnigmaticSpirit wrote a review...



This was a really interesting chapter to read. I was hooked all the way through until the end and it was a real page turner. Your use of imagery and description were fantastic because it was easy to imagine the events, everything happening around your characters and the scenery.

I think it could be made even better if you added emotions to your characters, especially during the part where Karla is trying to convince her friend to leave her and Emma's feelings just before she is struck by lightening, because many readers would say that it's important to know the characters' feelings and emotions.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this and hope to read more soon!




OliveDreams says...


I really loved reading this! I really like the way you've set your plot up - giving a little mystery here and there.
I also like how vague it is in terms of genre, setting, time period etc. What's a prologue for if it's not to grab your interest and ask yourself questions right off the bat?
I'm already involved & can't wait to read what happens next.

xoxo




To have more, you have to become more. Don't wish it was easier - wish you were better. For things to change, you have to change, and for things to get better, you have to get better.
— Jim Rohn