Alone and unwanted
That’s how she feels
Abuse at home
With siblings to reel.
No knowledge in the brother
And no sort of mother,
A shattered heart, a smile conceals.
.
Alone and unwanted
He claims poly times.
Together and loved
The whole world cries.
With nothing to lose
He needs to choose
It’s her or he dies.
.
Alone and unwanted
She knows in her heart
Tried to deny
That lust was their part.
Thought it was love
It fit like a glove
Ignoring the tasteful tart
.
Alone and unwanted
Who is better or worse?
Three different people
And all of them cursed.
When dawn becomes Hell
It’s known very well
The smiles are rehearsed.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
What a cheerful poem. But this was genuinely eerie.
The rhyme scheme was nice. I like a work with a consistent rhyme scheme, and yours was original enough not to distract from the text.
Tiny little SPG here; after the penultimate verse you are missing a full stop. But I only noticed it third time through.
What you have done best here though is undoubtedly imagery. The very last sentence is a perfect example. Just taking "when dawn becomes hell," the comparison is amazing. When you say dawn the mental picture is centered around the colour red. This is warped from a beautiful red dawn the fire and brimstone of the second piece of imagery.
Take That You Fiend!
When I was reading this, each word felt powerful but coming from somewhere deep. The notion you provide the readers with is well-developed and supported, building up until the poem's conclusion.
Your form in the poem was suitable for this poem, as it gave the overall poem more impact as the rhythm of each word flowed (or for the most part).
There were some parts that did seem to stick out at me.
However, this line rattled me. It seemed out of place with the question. Though I see what you're trying to say, the phrasing seems a little jarring...for lack of better word, weird.
I like how this supports the earlier line, but the specific wording of the line doesn't seem to fit in well. I suggest trying to re-phrase this like the earlier one.
As I continued to read your poem, I enjoyed reading the metaphors and the simile(s) you incorporated into your poem. Additionally, I also liked how the subject of the poem was clear and backed up until the end.
Hi, I hope you don't mind me reviewing your poem.
Keep up the good work!
In my opinion, this poem is very deep and I can see that this would relate to society. This relates to many teens with different problems. In this poem, it shows one person that lives with an unusual family any other can never have. The second person is shown how the whole world would cry as he is together and loved with the other that is a part of his life. The third person interprets how her heart is supposedly broken, and she ignores the happiness.
So again, this poem is great