(I still don't have time, will finish soon)
Kye sat down in front of the blazing pink fire. She had just learned to make it and was testing the warmth. Pink fire repelled Garmye dæmons. "Kye, I would like to talk to you," Gorell, the headmaster, said in a flaky voice.
"Yes Sir, I shall be done soon," she replied, exhaustion welling up in her throat. The incantation for Layi Dwayim was long and painful. It consisted of many samples of Tayri feathers. But soon Kye would learn to do it in a single click of her fingers.
"I'd prefer to speak now," he said more forceful than before. She looked at him with surprise. He raised his eyebrow, meaning, Is there something more important than a headmaster's affairs? Kye stood up, the pink fire fizzling. "As I thought," he said half to himself. Gorell led the way down the dark passages to his study. Sweat dripped down Kye’s forehead. Kye put on a mask of boredom. The headmaster was a Yorek dæmon. He could shape himself into any form. But with a single drop of water, he would become his true scaly form. The door to the headmaster's office opened obediently as Gorell spread his webbed palms. The office table was pale wood and most of the furniture was moving. The headmaster sat down in his khaki chair. Kye sat opposite to him. "Are you wondering why you have been asked to talk to me?" Gorell said raising an eyebrow.
"Yes, I don't get it though. What did I do?" she replied.
“Not you, your brother,”
“Jeshi? What did he do this time?”
“He went to the Weeping Sea,”
Jeshi sat awaiting his sister’s yelling spree, but it never came. She just sat silently with a look of sympathy on her face.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well this is an intriguing place to start with here. It does seem intriguing, but we are being introduced to a couple of characters and this situation a bit fast here and that feels like it could be ever so slightly problematic. For the most part, this is so far quite solid though, so let's see where you end up taking things.
Well things are building up quite nicely there in terms of tension. Even though things are still in that grey area where its not vague enough to be confusing, but it isn't nearly mysterious enough to be intriguing, there's more of a shift towards the mysterious side of things and I do find myself wanting to know more here, so I'd say this is going along well enough here as far as the first part of a first chapter is concerned.
Well...okay...this inches ever closer towards being a bit more mysterious. I have a feeling the rest of this first chapter would make things go fully in that direction since it does seem headed that way but I do have to say that perhaps you should think about making things a tiny bit less vague here at the start with this conversation because it is a tiny bit confusing to follow and that's not great to start off with.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey guys, thanks for the good points you made. I promise part two will be longer. As i said i ran out of time/patients/overall enthusiasm. See ya later
PEACE
-OLLI
Ciao Olli. ^_^
Not to be repetitious, but it is difficult to give any apt feedback to something so brief. As it is, there's not enough material to judge whether you've characterised your cast clearly, whether you have a consistent narrative voice, or what or if there is a plot. Er, in that light, perhaps add a few pages and then re-post, da?
There are things that strike my fancy -- or that could. What is a Yorek dameon? Is it rather like 'alas, poor Yorick?' Why is there a headmaster?
In its current state though, I cannot picture where, when or who.
Why is it long? Why does she need to perform it? Is there a reason then, that the fire is pink, and does it do anything other than flame counter-intuitive colours? ^_^;
You know, you have a good hook, more or less, in this bit of dialogue:
In that, you immediately catch a reader -- why, one wonders? Why now? Talk about what? To whom?
But unlike the questions I wrote in the beginning, these are questions you can pick up and stitch in as you go along, drawing your reader on. Begin with that, perhaps. Then describe the fire. Then give Kye's bewilderment about why now? Then describe the daemon, and how that relates to Kye's wanting to be an attentive listener. ^_^
If you've any questions, PM me, yes?
IMP
Napalmerski makes a good point. However, in my quest to get the most reviews today, I read some pieces longer than this with no conflict, so kudos for that. Conflict is the heart of a story, and you've got that between Kye and the headmaster. So, here's a few nitpicks.
You should begin a new paragraph at she.
What? was she being rude to him? It didn't appear that way. Show, don't tell.
What's that character between the d & m on the last word? Looks like an a and e stuck together. Use characters in the English language. I presume it's pronounced the same as daemon, but if so, then just call it that.
I also noticed you varied your sentence lengths well, which is important in keeping the reader alert.
This is about as much as I can say on such a short piece. Ciao.
Yo,
you should really write about three-four times that much before awaiting meaningful feedback:) Story invention and presentation is to an extent about grammar and punctuation, but is mainly about story structure, character presentation and learning how to describe.
So - write some more, and then the reviews will come. Good luck