I look up at Sheryll. She has a murderous look on her face. Tears slide down my cheek as the icy feeling of guilt spreads through me. The bruises on my arms throb as she picks me up roughly. I know where I am going. I sort through my brain trying to understand why I deserve this. I watch her pull out a key and unlock the Door. Now that I am being thrownin there I remember that I am the second one
The first was annabel. She spat in Fathers face when he asked her to do another one of her endless chores. I don't squirm as sheryll takes me to my destination. I am scared she will beat me again. Or the other thing father calls 'playing'. I don't know what to call it. Rape? Mollestation? Who cares. Here we go again...
End of chapter
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140,852 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is certainly quite something. It is hard to say if this is a prologue of some sort or perhaps the first bit of a first chapter judging solely from that name although with the way things are structured I am leaning more towards this being some sort of start to a first chapter. It certainly seems like a very active sort of scene here that cuts of somewhat abruptly although in a somewhat rare twist we've got an ending that kind of sort of actually works for an ending despite being a piece that is as short as this one is.
The actual content itself is certainly the type of thing to immediately get your attention. There are enough words being tossed about with these thoughts that as a reader you know something is going down and whatever it is, it is very, very bad. We don't necessarily feel for any of these characters since they are all tossed in so fast and we barely get a chance to really know who they are what is happening. So...while its nice and dramatic and a decent start, I think it could do with quite a bit more fleshing out before this is effective as a scene.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey-oh!
People have already said it, but this is a little short. Who is talking? How did they get in this situation? What happens next? Has it happened before? A little more information and a continuation of the story would be nice. You have an intriguing start: follow up on it!
There's some capitalization and punctuation things I'll point out really quick:
- All characters' names need to be capitalized, all the time. You capitalized "Sheryll" the first time, but not the second. And "Father", when being used as a name, should be capitalized too.
- Possessives need to have apostrophes. "Fathers face" = "Father's face".
Really short, but interesting. I'd like to see what you do with this if you were to expand it a bit. Let us get inside the situation. What brought it to this point? Keep going!
~GryphonFledgling
Hi!
Well, including the fact that is the first part you should tell something about the character itself, not to start from the action. But firmly believe that this chapter is unfinished and will correct it. Moreover it is too little to be a story or just a chapter.
Maria
yeah it was a bit short! do more! i liked it!
Continue it more Olli! Haha it's good. Or actually, you should add more in the beginning and have what you've got now as the ending. O: xo