So this is the beginning of a letter to an editor of a newspaper. We were supposed to pick a topic which is a case of someone breaching someone's rights. So, since I have recently watched a report on 'Child Brides' in New Zealand, i went with that theme. Here's what I have so far:
Dear Editor,
I recently watched a report, on TV One’s Sunday, about ‘Child Brides’ and I am shocked. It described the story of a young woman who had been raped on her way home from school, and then, her parents forced her to marry her attacker. Who i their right mind would do this to their child?
It says in the report that the parents believe that if their child doesn’t marry her rapist, she will bring shame to her family. That is an absolute outrage. If your child was raped on their way home from school, you wouldn’t say that they had to marry the attacker. You would press charges on the disgusting, paedophilic man who did it.
The woman in the interview says, quote, “In the religion, you can be married at nine.” She was fourteen: two years under the legal age, when she got married. In India, the age of marital consent is eighteen; yet parents still force their children to get married believing that being married at a young age is a cultural tradition, and that it is okay. The woman from the interview is a New Zealand citizen. She also says, “Sometimes the parents think that New Zealand law doesn’t apply to them.” If you live in New Zealand, the law applies to you, so, shoiuldn't the parents be arrested?
There may be Shakti, a small company that helps young women in this situation, but; shouldn’t the police be doing more about this? More help and compensation for the girls who have been through this? It makes me sick. I even read that a six year old girl was forced to marry an eighty year old man.
Tell me what you think, I asked if maybe I could actually send this into a newspaper, so i want it to be perfect... Tear it apart.
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I think the only thing that I can really suggest on top of the other reviewer's comments is that you need to spend more time on each point so the paragraphs are chunkier and the Editor gets more of an idea that you've done your research into point making such as this. Also it'll help increase your writing fluency which at the moment does seem a bit choppy in all fairness with the odd scatter of over-used commas. The grammar thing can easily be fixed with a bit of rephrasing mind you such as when you have broken up sentences at the end of your first paragraph, try to write those ones free of commas, because that's when the Editor is first put into your point of view.
Hope this helps,
Ben
Thanks guys, this really helps and thank you. I will work on it at school and post it back here later this week.
thanks
olli
Hey Biffle!
Okay, first thing, child marriage is prevalent only in the people who belong to a low societal status.I agree with you and I understand that you feel strongly about this issue.
But you need to sort out the pints you want to write. Write down all that you might want to say, order it into some sort of an intro, body and conclusion. Your pints are good, but it lacks coherence. Non fiction should have a flow too. PM me if you have questions. If you work on this, it will be good.
Also, a little clarification for you.
And, in most (~60%) of the cases, the girl children are married off, because, the parents either feel the girl child won't contribute to their meagre income and is a burden.
It could also be because a long time ago, before the British invasion (and social reform movements) there was the idea that girl children are a disgrace. Therefore, they used to marry the girl chold to an old man, so that she becomes a widow at an early life and as per the society rules, a widow was to be left alone and cast aside.
Hope I helped.
~Lava