Together, torn apart.

Pretty cool poem

Biffle1 wrote:Together we stand, together we rise,
as we see into our fiery demise.
Your eyes, your face, I am in love,
but now, you're pale, as white as a dove.
The sounds, the noise, the silence, the fire.
"Are we going to die?" you inquire. RIGHT. This sentence right here. It rhymes, but it doesn't feel right. It mucks up the flow of the poem.
You my daughter, Whoah, okay. So the person's in love with their daughter? M'kay...that isn't creepy. At all.
put up for slaughter, It seems like you're just chucking in words that rhyme...the subject of slaughter is incredibly random.
I wish I could tell you no.
But I must tell the truth, to save your fragile, young mind.
"Heaven is waiting, do you want to be left far behind?"
He stares ahead, his eyes like glass;
as the fire engulfes the last of the grass. I think this has already been said before, but your last line is supposed to be your strongest, and it just doesn't make sense. To be honest, your entire poem doesn't make sense. Well maybe to you it does, but anyways, it jumps from subject to subject, and the main importance seems to change, like, the "daughter", and then the guy-ugh, wait, does THAT make sense??

Thanks guys, I will get onto those soon.

Hey there Biffle! So the general premise behind this poem is awesome and I love some of the language you have in it. "now, you're pale, as white as a dove." Sure, "dove" is cleché for pale, but honestly I'm not sure I've heard it used in reference to death, and so I loved it for that. I mean, birds, doves! They're representations of peace and kindness, but here you use dove to represent the paleness of the girl while she's dying. That's absolutely unique and I love it.

You also have a lot of great potential for emotional power in this poem, however you skim over the most important details that could really give this poem a shocking punch to the reader.

What exactly is going on in this poem? That's my biggest questions. At the beginning you say, "Together we stand, together we rise" I'm not exactly sure what this means in respect to the poem as a whole. Then you talk about a fiery demise. Since grass is burning at the end I'm left to think of a house fire or something, but there are no specific details so I really can't be sure. Are they burning in hell, even? It could be so many things. My main point here is, you should explain more of what is happening. However, let me say this with a warning. Don't just tell, show! Showing is a beautiful thing in poetry, and I can already tell you know how to do this with the line I talked about above and liked.

Give us, the reader, more of an idea of what is going on. How is she dying? How young is she, maybe? (You could give this in reference to something emotional, "Top young to be pushed on a swing, too young to count her ABCs" rather than just a number) I know it's a relationship of father and daughter, but can you show more of what each is feeling? Also, I love the heaven is waiting idea, but I think if you expanded it a bit more it could have so much more power.

In short, this is like a rough draft, a compact outline, of what could be an amazing poem. Just spend some time working over the details, use poetic devices, and I'm sure it will come out millions of times better. (Which I don't say to mean it is horrible now! Not at all, simply, there is always room for improvement. No one reaches perfect!)

I hope this review helped and I wish you the best of luck! If you have any questions about anything I said feel free to send me a PM.

This is a decent poem, just a few suggestions.

but now, you're pale, as white as a dove.

I wish I could tell you no.

He stares ahead, his eyes like glass;
as the fire engulfes the last of the grass.