Young Writers Society

#800080 ">I like how you said the mom’s hair was all messy and tangled and everything was in disarray. It adds to the atmosphere of the desperate times your characters are in. I thought maybe you could use a bit more of that description on your main character. Like instead of just plain skinny jeans, you could say ripped and muddy skinny jeans, or you could mention that your character’s hair was pulled back in a ponytail to keep it back from her grime covered face.

And instead of sweating from nerves when she told her mother, I thought it would be more realistic if she would start crying. At least that’s what I’d probably do. She had to kill her baby brother after all!

Thanks for posting this, I had a good time reading it.

No realisation has an 's' ok? Different countries. My country uses 's' way more than 'z'. lol

I walk to where my imposter brother lies.

Her normal, classy, appearance now a disarray of horror and realisation.

I had to... kill it," as if I had just been running, I started to sweat.

This was definitely interesting, but also pretty confusing. Are you jumping in and out of a flashback? It seemed like it, but i couldn't tell until the end.

It was also confusing when you said "I throw it all at her". I thought she was throwing her hair at her at first, not what happened. lol

The biggest problem is the lack of emotion. I don't get the feeling that the sister really cared about killing her brother, or telling her mother what she did. Adding more description would help. Maybe like:
"Waiting. My throat tenses, and my eyes tear up. How could I have let this happen to him? My lower lip trembles as I wait for her response."

Otherwise, I liked the plot so far, and it was interesting. Keep going, and try and edit this chapter too!

Hey, Biffle, this is pretty neat! Lots of action, in any case. And, ever since Animorphs, I have a soft spot for alien possessions of people.

Now, when I first read this, I thought of telling you to put more description in it, because it seemed a bit confusing, but now I think I want to tell you to put less. And that might sound a bit weird, but I think it would be better to cut out the thought process and just do straight action. Don't write what his thought process is... write what he does and why he justifies it to himself. That way, it'll seem more powerful.

And... his mother drunk? If there is a chance of them getting possessed by aliens, why would she ever get drunk? One would think that she would want to take care of her son, especially if she just lost a daughter. Just a thought.

So cut down some of the description you have here and focus on just the action! It'll be much more riveting, trust me.

Biffle1 wrote:Is this the end? Were we the cause of our demise? Are the answers just more questions? No. This is the end. We were the cause. We let them in. We let them into our homes, our lives, see our lifestyle. Hmm I'unno Olli. This bit sticks out. Perhaps break that up, into "We let them into our homes, our lives. We let them see our lifestyles." or just "our lifestyles/see our lifestyles", whichever you think is best.This is the end.

A piercing scream fills the hall. Heads turn toward the anomaly. A jet black creature, like a walking shadow, has a baby init's 'arms'. The baby is my brother.
I stare at it as a slimy tentacle appears from it's shadowy body. It touches Layden, my brother's, forehead. The words here seem a bit mixed up. Perhaps switch it to "It touches my brother Layden's forehead.He disappears and the creature begins to writhe and twitch. It's replacing my brother. Changing into him, remaking and perfecting Layden's cute, chubby features. I remember that I was the one that screamed.You switch to past tense here.
My mother is drunk and I don't know where dad is. This sentence is a bit out of the blue. Maybe add "I didn't know what to do" before the "My mother is drunk" etc. bit. Fuck. I don't know what to think. You switch back to present tense. This isn't the first Birth I've seen. My sister went through it last month. We had to euthanize her, sadly. These alien pieces of shit have been invading for a year. Nothing stops them, even when you are at your Grandmother's party.Lol again, a bit random, maybe change it to "even if you're at your Grandmother's party." A happy occasion, ruined.
The hall where this is all happening, is distastefully decorated with splashes of green, red, yellow, and silver all over.
It has to be done, Kayte, you know it does, my conscience speaks. I pat my skinny jeans in search for my hand gun. Another change. Since the invasion, everyone is allowed to carry a 9mm pistol around with them. There are no more gangs. No more racism. The only segregating is toward Them. It is in my belt holster, as usual. I walk to where my imposter brother lies.
Bang. I imagine his pain. His-- it's not him anymore. It doesn't matter to me. It's an abomination.

"Kayte, where's Layden?" Mum calls. A lump rises in my throat.
"Mum," I choke, "Layden... Layden's gone,"
Good job Kayte, you know you did the right thing.
"Gone where? With dad?" She says, waking down the hall to me. I play with my hair, nervously waiting for her. "Well?"
I throw i tall at her.Um, was that sentence supposed to say "I throw it all"? Haha "I'm so sorry mum, Layden is with Saylise now. One of Them got him last night. I know I promised I'd keep my eye on him but...but. I'm really sorry. I had to... kill it," As if I had just been running, I started to sweat. Waiting. Waiting for her response. She just stands there. Her long brown hair, messy from housework. Her normal, classy, appearance now a disarray of horror and realisation.
Without any warning, mum drops to the floor, froth spewing from her mouth.Very good ending for this chapter, Olli!