The brittle stones in the creek were moving ever so softly, as it whispered secrets--deathly ones--that only it knew. The moss above the surface was turning brown as the water started to fall slow. A beaver padded over to the emptying creek. suddenly a pulse of water shot out of the creek and took the shape of a hand. The beaver tried to escape but the water was smart; having a 'hive mind' as some would say. The water flexed it's 'fingers' and lunged for the beaver. Now underwater, the beaver gargled before drowning to death.
~
"Vera! Get away from the creek!" Aunt Lacey called.
"No! It's not dangerous, see?" Vera said defiantly. She was standing by 'The Weeping River'. It had gotten it's name from the day the young Queen had ran away from her husband to hide. He had beaten her and got out of it because of his wealth. The Queen then jumped into the creek and cried. The Queen wasn't like any other woman though. She was the Queen of Ailora, the land of water. Her tears left the lake abundant and overflowing. Vera was a descendant of the Queen. She even had the same name.
Vera stepped into the creek. "Vera! NO!" Aunt Lacey screamed as a rush of sapphire water swallowed Vera into it's depths. Vera could see green and red gems on the river stones. The river seemed to be as deep as an ocean. A pale faced woman floated over to Vera, now pale herself holding her breath. The woman spoke in an ageless voice. "My granddaughter, fear not, you can breath in this place of sanctuary. Please don't struggle," Vera looked the woman in her emerald eyes.
"Okay, my Queen,". The woman smiled eerily back. Queen Vera whispered a fatal enchantement and disappeared into the water blending in with it, as if she herself was water. It was then Vera learned the truth of the Weeping River.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Thanks for thse!!!
-OLLI
The brittle stones in the creek were moving ever so softly, as it whispered secrets, deathly ones, that only it knew. The moss above the surface was turning brown as the water started to fall slow. A beaver padded over to the emptying creek. suddenly a pulse of water shot out of the creek and took the shape of a hand. The beaver tried to escape but the water was smart; having a 'hive mind' as some would say. The water flexed her fingers and lunged for the beaver. Now underwater, the beaver gargled before drowning to death.
~
"Vera! Get away from the creek!" Aunt Lacey called.
"No! It's not dangerous, see?" Vera said defiantly. She was standing by The Weeping River. It had gotten it's name from the day the young Queen had ran away from her husband to hide. He had beaten her and got out of it because of his wealth. The Queen then jumped into the creek and cried. The Queen wasn't like any other woman though. She was the Queen of Ailora, the land of water. Her tears left the lake abundant and overflowing. Vera was a descendant of the Queen. She even had the same name.
Vera stepped into the creek. "Vera! No!" Aunt Lacey screamed as a rush of sapphire water swallowed Vera into it's depths. Vera could see green and red gems on the river stones. The river seemed to be as deep as an ocean. A pale faced woman floated over to Vera, now pale herself holding her breath. The woman spoke in an ageless voice. "My granddaughter, fear not, you can breath in this place of sanctuary. Please don't struggle," Vera looked the woman in her emerald eyes.
"Okay, my Queen," The woman smiled eerily back. Queen Vera whispered a fatal enchantement and disappeared into the water blending in with it, as if she herself was water. It was then Vera learned the truth of the Weeping River.
The brittle stones in the creek were moving ever so softly, as it whispered secrets--deathly ones--that only it knew.
You go from Plural "Stone" To 'it' i believe it should say that they knew.
suddenly a pulse of water shot out of the creek and took the shape of a hand. Capitalize the word Suddenly.
The beaver tried to escape but the water was smart; having a 'hive mind' as some would say. The water flexed it's 'fingers' and lunged for the beaver. Now underwater, the beaver gargled before drowning to death.
take out the ' in fingers its not needed. and take out 'as some would say.' because we don't know who they are.
He had beaten her and got out of it because of his wealth.
I would say. He had beaten her and The evil husband got out of it because of his wealth and power.
You could also show how Vera felt things like how the cold water hit her body.
I Did enjoy your story. Very intriguing if I must say:)
Hey there Olli! Great to see you around and posting! Tis WD! So, I really like your title--it is what initially drew me in, so nice job with that! You have chosen a lovely, engaging title, something that many writers struggle with. So, I'm just going to take this and deal with some geneeral things and ask some questions, okay? Hope I can't help!
All rightie! Wow, this is one vicious river. Interesting. I don't really understand why we don't just start with Vera and why we start here, but I suppose that is a question for you to ask yourself. What is the purpose of this first paragraph? Could it be conveyed in some way other than this? Right now, it seems a little out of place, but I'll leave you to determine that.
Now--sentence wise! Look at what I have highlighted in blue. These are your sentence beginnings. Now, observe, all of your sentences begin in a 'noun-verb' construction. This can be used to do cool stuff sometimes, but here it seems repetitive and the use of the progressive verbs like 'were moving' and 'was turning' remove the reader from the action. So play with the sentence construction here--I think it will improve this bit greatly!
Infodump alert! All right. So you want to tell us the history of the weeping river. That's okay, though, again you want to think about whether this is necessary now. But this is an infodump! Because you are telling us all of it. Try to relate it back to Vera, have Vera reflect on it. Weave Vera and this story together in such a way that this turns out to be characterization instead of infodump. More character! Less info!
Oooh, this is very interesting! I would suggest italicizing 'no' instead of writing it in all caps.
How is her smile eerie? I think an image here would be more powerful than the adverb 'eerily'. And the last sentence? Tis unnecessary! I think we have more suspense if we don't have that last sentence.
So, I'm interested in how this fits in with your story and I'm going to ask you a few questions I want you to consider when you're revising this, okay? First of all, why is this a prologue? Why could it not be the first chapter? What is the purpose of this piece? If I want to write a prologue, what is the purpose of the prologue? What am I trying to convey in this? How will the first chapter spring off of this prologue? Is this even really a prologue?
Right now this seems like it could just be a chapter 1, mainly because I don't understand exactly what you're trying to get across with this in the form of a prologue. So think about those things, okay? All in all, a nice start! I would definitely like to read more of this story. Keep writing and please PM me if you have any questions.
Olli! Okay, now that that's over, let us get reviewing!
So, you use those quotes in your story twice (displayed above). I don't really like them in a story, I feel like you use them this way in an essay. I think it would seem more magical if you actually said her fingers. I mean, we know that the water didn't sprout magical fingers, but I would be able to imagine it better if those quote things were gone.
With the second one, you don't need it in quotes. If you just capitalize it, we know it is a name!
I really liked this, I want more! As I was reading it, I was inspired to write my own fantasy story, which is good. Nice idea, post more!
Classy
Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
You should put a comma instead of a hyphen there.
There shouldn't be a need for the CAPS here, just a 'No!' would suffice.
You don't need the period here.
Overall this story was too short, add in the feelings of Vera, and how she got into the water. Still, I enjoyed reading this.
Good luck and keep writing!