As the dust settles, they run away,
minds in pieces, a world of disarray.
I see you watching, proudly,
the Corporation roaring loudly.
We did it, saved the world, finally.
The people, you and me, can be free.
Sing with me now, the song of victory,
as the dust settles, between you and me.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,674 Literary Works • 673,589 Reviews
Thanks. I don't even know where this idea came from, but I think I'll write a short story for it as well... Maybe.
Thanks for the critique.
Olli
Well... first off, you misspelled "their" in the second line. And your meter is a bit odd in places; try to keep your sentences even. Yes, this means having to take out a word or finding an alternative. The first two lines are an example of this: the second one is longer than the first, and throws it off balance.
Despite the fact that "unitedly" is a real word, it sounds painfully unwieldy. The theme of unison also contradicts the previous line. Actually, the whole middle section (four lines) is very odd to read. Rhyming is hard, I know, but if you're going for the pursuit of precise vocabulary, then you may have to forgo the rhyme scheme, or completely rework what you have currently.
How was the world saved? Who are "they" mentioned in the beginning? Develop these more fully; don't just leave the reader wondering about who's who or what's what.
I think the last two lines are the strongest, and I recommend you keep them.
See you around.
–antimelrose