The brittle stones in the cree were moving ever so softly. The moss above the surfacewas turning brown as the water sarted to fall slow. A beaver padded over to the emptying creek. suddenly a pulse of water shot out of the creek and took the shape of a hand. The beaver tried to escape but the water was smart and cut the beaver off. The water tightened around the beaver and thrust back into the creek.
~
"Vera! Get away from the creek!" Aunt Lacey called.
"No! It's not dangerous, see!" Vera said defiantly. She was standing by 'The Weeping River'. It had gotten it's name from the day the young Queen had ran away from her husband to hide. He had beaten her and got out of it with his large amounts of money. The Queen then juped into the creek and cried. The Queen wasnt like any other woman though. She was the Queen of Ailora, the land of water. Her tears left thhe lake abundant and overflowed. Vera was a decendant of the Queen. She even had the same name. Vera stepped into the creek. "Vera! NO!" Aunt Lacey screamed as a rush of saphire colored water swallowed Vera into it's depths. The water wasice against her fair skin. Vera could see green and red gems on the river stones. Theriver seemed to be as deep as an ocean. A pale faced woman floated over to Vera, now pale herself holding her breath. The woman spoke in an ageless voice. "My grandaughter, fear not, you can breath in this place of sanctuary. Please tdon't struggle," Vera looked the woman in her emerald eyes.
"Okay, my Queen,". The woman smiled eerily back. She disappeared into the water blending in with it, as if she herself was water. Vera than learned the truth of the Weeping River.
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140,674 Literary Works • 673,589 Reviews
Hey, Olli. I sent you my edits PM-form...sorry for the length of the wait. Two days. Argh. But, nice work.
-Mizz
Review here, as requested! THings in bold are what I changed. I really liked the story! Make it a bit longer, though, next time.
Haha, no problem whatsoever Olli (: I'm glad I could be of help!
The brittle stones in the creek were moving ever so softly, as it whispered secrets--deathly ones--that only it knew. The moss above the surface was turning brown as the water started to fall slow. A beaver padded over to the emptying creek. suddenly a pulse of water shot out of the creek and took the shape of a hand. The beaver tried to escape but the water was smart; having a 'hive mind' as some would say. The water flexed it's 'fingers' and lunged for the beaver. Now underwater, the beaver gargled before drowning to death.
~
"Vera! Get away from the creek!" Aunt Lacey called.
"No! It's not dangerous, see?" Vera said defiantly. She was standing by 'The Weeping River'. It had gotten it's name from the day the young Queen had ran away from her husband to hide. He had beaten her and got out of it because of his wealth. The Queen then jumped into the creek and cried. The Queen wasn't like any other woman though. She was the Queen of Ailora, the land of water. Her tears left the lake abundant and overflowing. Vera was a descendant of the Queen. She even had the same name.
Vera stepped into the creek. "Vera! NO!" Aunt Lacey screamed as a rush of sapphire water swallowed Vera into it's depths. Vera could see green and red gems on the river stones. The river seemed to be as deep as an ocean. A pale faced woman floated over to Vera, now pale herself holding her breath. The woman spoke in an ageless voice. "My granddaughter, fear not, you can breath in this place of sanctuary. Please don't struggle," Vera looked the woman in her emerald eyes.
"Okay, my Queen,". The woman smiled eerily back. Queen Vera whispered a fatal enchantement and disappeared into the water blending in with it, as if she herself was water. It was then Vera learned the truth of the Weeping River.
Thanks jules! Very very helpful. I've never really written like this before and are adapting. This is an edited version with the help of a friend called Mizzle. Thanks for the help and support!!
-OLLI
I actually think a semi-colon would connect these two sentences better as they're both of equal 'weight' and are related.
I know padded is defined as walking heavily, but the first thing that comes to mind when I read 'padded' is like padded clothing. Another quite similar word that I think would work better is 'plodded'.
Capitalized the 'S' in suddenly and inserted commas.. I changed 'was smart' to 'smarter' because it's already obvious the water was intelligent and animated, and to say it was smarter subtly lets the reader know that it is smarter than the average animal.
This is just a personal opinion, but I found all the 'beavers' repetitive, so I supplied other substitution words that you could use if you wanted. The only problem I have with the word thrust is that you're describing the water's movement going back into the lake (unless you meant to say "It tightened around the beaver and thrust IT back into the creek" then you just left out a pronoun) and thrust means to push forcefully or force, etc. so it's like saying "It tightened around the beaver and forced/pushed itself back into the creek".
Just a couple of things on my mind:
1. I wasn't sure what the whole deal with the beaver was about since in the next couple of paragraphs you made it sound like a sanctuary and very safe. Is this just the beginning of a novel where you'll elaborate on why the river did something so evil?
2. Why would the Queen have to run away from her husband? I mean she's queen and all haha. By calling her the queen and her husband just 'her husband' and not 'the King', I just got the feeling that she possessed more influence and power. Also, I was wondering how he could have paid off whoever it was that would have penalized him since they're both Queen and King and so share equal wealth? I don't know haha maybe it's just me ...
I think you're a very conscious writer. I just suggest paying closer attention to your dialogue, punctuation, and tense since you do tend to mix up the present and past. There are some great help websites on the internet where you can get mini-lessons on all of these and more.
Hope I helped a bit.
Happy writing!
xo julia
The brittle stones in the creek were moving ever so softly. The moss above the surface was turning brown as the water started to fall slow. A beaver padded over to the emptying creek. suddenly a pulse of water shot out of the creek and took the shape of a hand. The beaver tried to escape but the water was smart and cut the beaver off. The water tightened around the beaver and thrust back into the creek.
~
"Vera! Get away from the creek!" Aunt Lacey called.
"No! It's not dangerous, see!" Vera said defiantly. She was standing by 'The Weeping River'. It had gotten it's name from the day the young Queen had ran away from her husband to hide. He had beaten her and got out of it with his large amounts of money. The Queen then jumped into the creek and cried. The Queen wasn't like any other woman though. She was the Queen of Ailora, the land of water. Her tears left the lake abundant and overflowed. Vera was a descendant of the Queen. She even had the same name. Vera stepped into the creek. "Vera! NO!" Aunt Lacey screamed as a rush of sapphire colored water swallowed Vera into it's depths. Vera could see green and red gems on the river stones. The river seemed to be as deep as an ocean. A pale faced woman floated over to Vera, now pale herself holding her breath. The woman spoke in an ageless voice. "My granddaughter, fear not, you can breath in this place of sanctuary. Please don't struggle," Vera looked the woman in her emerald eyes.
"Okay, my Queen,". The woman smiled eerily back. She disappeared into the water blending in with it, as if she herself was water. Vera than learned the truth of the Weeping River.
My stuff will be in italics, kay?
Dayum, Olli! You need to do some major spell checking. I only pointed out a few, but click on edit, then click the "check spelling" and fix up those words, yeah?
That's an Awesome story Olli really nice plot.