The streets are crimson with blood; the animals fled to the centre of the country. There are only about four million people left. They are in the quaint country of New Zealand. It used to be green, beautiful even. All until They came. They are a predatory species. New Zealand, apparently, has a strange ward chemical in the waters surrounding it, making it impossible for Them to get inside. The monsters can still destroy the trees and greenery. The humans left were about to get the surprise of their lives though. The monsters were tunneling under the water. Sooner or later they would be here.
Karou was at a fire. His whanau were looking into the ocean. You could almost see the creatures and their fiery aura around them.
The sky had changed since the mist came. It came from Cape Reinga, then from Piha beach, Waikanae, Dunedin, and Christchurch. It went around, invisible, and killed every single tree.
The country had tried to re-plant them. It had been sufficient for most, but the people with athsma died very quickly. Drew, Karou's sister, sat close to her mum, Aiono. She wiped the tears away. Aiono's husband, Hairou had died that day. The mist had begun to become effective on humans. They needed a weapon to fight back.
End of chapter
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140,674 Literary Works • 673,589 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well this is certainly quite the prologue here. I don't believe I've seen anything quite of this nature before and it makes for a very intriguing piece here to say the least. I think you do a very good job here of getting our attention as readers with this particular style of opening and I think it manages to work out rather well.
The way you introduce these monsters is a teeny bit rushed but since this is a rather short prologue that's to be expected and it works out somewhat okay in the end since that sort of situation is naturally a rather rushed sort of thing. I do think perhaps slowing that reveal down a bit or just keeping it a little vague until the story itself starts would be a good idea but as it stands this is still pretty decent here.
Overall, I think its not a bad prologue here by any means, its done quite well, the premise while maybe not the most original thing in the world is till rather interesting and does make you want to read on and find out more...so, on the whole a decent piece that you've got right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I will come back to it. Just when I find the will to finish a story... lol. Maybe on my birthday I'll continue it.
Olli
Keep going with this story! The only time a story dies is when you give up on it. Promise that you will return to it. I'm serious!
Actually, i tried to write a chapter one. i failed so this story is going into my drafts....sorry if you liked this.
I will have another story pssibility coming soonn
Hey there, Biffle! You have a really interesting premise, and the setting is really new, which is exciting!
However, I have to agree with captain.classy--your prologue is too short for me to say anything substantial, and it would be more helpful to show us everything you've described through scenes and characters watching on, rather than tell us details. I feel like these few paragraphs can be expanded and fleshed out to form the prologue and the first chapter. You have a lot of things happening, but because you're condensing them all together into a few paragraphs, it's hard to really get into the story.
I also want to mention that you switch tenses from the first half to the second half. You'll want to watch for that.
Anyway, I would like to hear more about the monsters and the mist, so keep on writing.
Hehe. Ok, the word Whanau is Maori, in New Zealand, we have many cultures, but the main aree european, and Maori. So dont bother asking what the words mean. I will post them when im finised.
xo Olli
Hey Biffle, well I'll first point out the easy mistakes you can fix.
"chemical in"Whanau? What's that?
Asthma.
Now just one little thing.
Here I thought that Karou, and his father were both dead, it confused me immensely, and I had to reread it a few times to get it, so maybe try saying it differently?
The plot seems okay, not something I myself would like to read, but it seems alright. Good luck and keep writing.
~Hope
This is very interesting Olli. I don't have much to comment on, since there isn't much here.
All I would like to say is that I don't believe you need this. I think you should start off your first chapter as this, and explain further. There is not often a real need for prologues, and this is no exception.
The way it is now, I can't see it. I really don't have a clue what is going on, mostly because this piece is just confusing. If you really want to keep this as a prologue, instead of just telling this, show us it. Show us a scene, have us follow a character through this. Right now, I know what is happening, but I can't see the emotion. And the emotion is the best part!
Keep writing!
Classy