Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
TW: mental health, suicide, swearing
this is a piece of me ranting during a low point, talking about mental health and trying to cope by writing. what starts off as random thoughts in my head gets put together in a way that's understandable when i put them on to paper. i hope you can take something from it and i hope anyone struggling understands that they are not alone.
xoxo, veeren
please listen as you read i beg of you: https://soundcloud.com/v333r/car-session/s-StJTyRf...
this is me reciting the poem out loud, as it should be read.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CAR SESSIONS
the only time i pray is when
im praying for forgiveness
for fame for fortune for fucked up shit
new forms of torture
these torches touring through each and every morsel (of me)
and sometimes i wish my momma had an abortion
no portion (of me)
should be stuck in this horse shit
screaming and crying in every corner im forced in
its
unbelievable this gift we call life
its just me its just you every
day every night
and we fight through the highs and the lows like we might
raise a toast, like its bright on the other side
what a sight but
of course its
just a dream just our imagination running wild
where brick walls aren't built up to keep me locked inside my mind
where the only time ill get peace is when people tell me to rest in it
(ill be fine)
maybe ill get arrested and theyll take it as a sign
and i can plead to the jury these thoughts they werent mine
so they can give me the fucking chair or put a gun between my eyes
i realize that
hope shouldnt be hard to find
but what is it that i do when im lost and im tired
cus the weight of my ways makes me want to retire,
but i live for better days and for people i admire
im no liar (but)
i got a special way of talking when my head is on fire
i wanna say too much but i know ill be quiet
cus theres a million ways to fuck up but only one to be silent
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140,177 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
Hi veer!
So I've mention before that I really liked this poem, but I never left a review on it, so maybe I can give some helpful thoughts!
I notice that as I'm listening to you reciting the work, you add in a few words here and there which definitely help with the flow, but you could also add these into the transcription so that someone can also experience it. For instance, you say:
This even adds another connection between these two lines, because otherwise the line break makes them feel more disconnected, as you choose to break there. Something small, but it can enhance the meaning of the written piece.
I'm also curious about your choice to put "(of me)" into parenthesis in two different spots in the first few stanzas. You do a really good job of formatting your text to read very similarly (but not quite exactly?) to how you recite it, to the point that I really enjoyed how "i'll be fine" was read as an afterthought, which was emphasized by the parenthesis around it. However, the two "of me" feel more essential to the flow and meaning, and they're not read in the same afterthought, quieter voice as the others.
I can't comment to much about the meaning or word choice because I love every piece of it. Your flow is fabulous. Even though out the reading, I can hear that rhythm in my head because the words just lend themselves very well to it. You have some great literary devices that lean into that too, which just makes it feel way more powerful. (I got goosebumps reading it again.) While this seems a bit of a hopeless poem, I like that there is still elements of drive littered within -- like living for people you admire and better days -- which nicely contrasts with the harsher take on life this has. I enjoy it.
I really enjoyed your last lines too:
There's power in these words and they resonate with me. Sorry this was mostly praise xD Guess I'll just stroke your ego a bit, haha.
Happy writing!
~ Wolfe
<3333 you're definitely about the added words and i know it occurred to me when i was going through everything before posting it BUT i can not remember why i decided against it. and the same goes for the (of me)'s, i knew i had a reason for them but i can't for the life of me remember what they were. i gonna boil it down to me being in a different headspace at the time and overlooking thesse things BUT THEY ARE DEFINITELY FIXABLE SO THANK YOU
and also thank you for kind words as well im so so glad you enjoyed it and i appreciate you coming back to read and hear it again <3
This flows really well! The way you structured it makes it really easy for the eye to follow, and the rhyme you have going was extremely pleasant. It's a really heavy subject but you handled it well, though I'm sorry you have heavy thoughts to write about in the first place. Mental illness is a real struggle my guy.
But overall, a good piece! I hope it was as cathartic to write as it was to read.
This is a heavy subject, but very poignant, in my opinion. I'm glad you recorded it because it was nice to hear how it's meant to be read! The flow is captivating and the subject matter stirs emotions that aren't exactly pleasant, but interesting to experience. I can relate to being in this kind of low point and I wanted to say I hope you've managed to get out of that low place or at least are working on it!
The whole poem moved me emotionally, but this part stood out to me.My favorite part is probably
awww : ,( thank you for the compliments and im glad you enjoyed the poem
Hey!
Not a review, I just wanna say how much this relates to me whenever I'm feeling down and just really under the weather (mentally). Hearing you read the poem makes me emotional so thank you for making this. I absolutely love it!
im happy to hear you related to it <3
Hi. A review. I think this is really good. It really stand out and it holds peoples attention easily. I Love that it flows really well. so thank you for writing this. I love it so thanks.
'just a dream just our imagination running wild
where brick walls aren't built up to keep me locked inside my mind
where the only time ill get peace is when people tell me to rest in it
(ill be fine)'
This was probably my favorite part. Thank you for doing this once again bc it was really good
im glad you liked it <3
Hey,
this isn't a review but I just wanted to say how much I liked this.
I thought it was very interesting, so thank you for sharing this.
im glad you enjoyed <3
Hey,
Your topic makes it hard to review but here it is.
"no portion (of me)
should be stuck in this horse shit
screaming and crying in every corner im forced in"
It is quite remarkable how you put driving of car on a road as the way to express your agitated state. That is how I see it and it is quite catchy if I'm right.
"and we fight through the highs and the lows like we might
raise a toast, like its bright on the other side"
I guess that car would be passing through a tunnel. lol. And then later you got arrested. You should have done it in every para of this recitation. Like the act of driving the car and your description of your mental health goes hand in hand. I am not a very good driver but you could have done better in this.
"cus the weight of my ways makes me want to retire"
This statement was a bit disambiguous. "cus the ways of my plight/flight/path makes me want to retire". The poet decides what he thinks and you are in full control of what it should be. It is just a suggestion.
The rhyme is 100 and it is exemplary how you put this topic into play.
Thanks
thanks for the review friend!
just wanted to note real quick that the poem isn't about driving a car, but i'm glad you were able to find a sort of connection with it.
i appreciate the review and you taking the time to read my work <3
<3 shivers
<33
agreed, 100% should be read with your voice
the pauses, the crescendo of emotions, the imagery. beautiful.
<333
@Alpha thank u : , (((( <33