Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
if i was against anything
i would be against everything.
ever felt the sense of equality in your
inequality?
*
i'm rich- you're poor.
that makes me better, you know.
wealth doesn't plague, it edifies;
and the big picture becomes much
. ..........................................BIGGER.
*
i get the dislike of gay people, what with their sappy stories.
regrettably all they seem to want is sympathy, paired with
a chance to achieve normality.
-
i get the dislike of homophobes, what with their ignorance.
so pretentious, accusing, traditional;
unregrettably burning crosses on the lawns of the lost.
*
fame corrupts, as if knowledge doesn't.
if everyone knows my name, do my words mean
more than theirs-
if i'm educated, their words don't mean
as much as mine.
*
we're equal because we're not,
because im more equal than you.
that makes me better, did you know?
"you're you, i'm me"-
the basis of inequality.
--
a/n: more of a rant i suppose, written in a medium that way too many people pretend to understand. i honestly dont expect a lot of people to get this, but kudos to you if you do. im open to all opinions and welcome all criticism.
ps thank you george orwell
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140,181 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
well then, Vereen. You always amaze me somehow, this is great but not perfect.
The formatting is a bit distracting and counter-intuitive; how is one to know what you mean by a gray color, a quote, a cross out, or the difference between an * or - in between each stanza? They literally can't; other techniques have been developed for all of these purposes that are more intuitive and easier to understand (i.e. roman numerals, line breaks, whitespace, ect.). The only part that I don't quite know about is the crossing out of words; it does enhance clarity as-is but at the same time it's hard to read.
The use of double negatives takes away from clarity. The second one; you dislike people who dislike gay people; it's confusing even if it doesn't seem so and it adds lots of unnecessary words. Also do you dislike of gay people or do you dislike gay people? All parts of this poem make subtle, unnoticeable mistakes and it's gunna kill your clarity; take it line by line and then stanza by stanza and keep asking yourself of ways to improve it, it's not right as it is right now.
Again the content is spot on but the presentation is more confusing then it needs to be. Anyways, you said this was a rant but hey, it's still better then most poems. You do good at doing Vereen; so keep doing that. (For the life of me I don't know what Vereen is and that's gotta be a good thing) keep it up!
must you mock me e.e
it seems the format does indeed attract controversy. while i like it personally, others find it confusing. im going to need a way to balance it out next time, mwahaha.
about the middle stanza, it's meant to be contradicting. you know, two sides to a story kinda thing. let's just say the narrator here isn't exactly the writer
but i thank you for your speedy review. no really that was like a record. you're awesome and my offer to give you something in return still stands xp
Oh Veeren, don't you know the narrator is ALWAYS the writer. Get into character gosh darn it. The whole "lawns of the lost" thing is so weak it's almost dishonest same thing with stanza three.
ehh, i had to write that or else i'd have wrote something that's actually offensive >.>
and i will break that narrator-writer stereotype, ooooone day.
Hello, Retro here for a review as requested!
First off i'll do some nitpicks then talk about what I like, okay?
The first thing I will mention is the style. Now all the italics and crossing out and bold I don't particually like. They draw too much focus away from what your actual point is and it doesn't look particually poetic, i'm a person who doesn't conform to traditional values of poetry but I don't really get the use of it here.
'ever felt the sense of equality in your
inequality?'
This doesn't really feel like a complete question. I'd reccomend putting a have you at the start or something to fill it out more
'i get the dislike of gay people, what with their sappy stories.
regrettably all they seem to want is sympathy, paired with
a chance to achieve normality.
-
i get the dislike of homophobes, what with their ignorance.
so pretentious, accusing, traditional;
unregrettably burning crosses on the lawns of the lost.'
My own personal views about the subject matter here aside, I feel as though they feel a bit lost in the poem. You talk about class difference, and wealth ties nicely into that and fame as well and then this just feels out of place within that. I won't comment on the subject matter here because I don't think it would be constructive, but I would reccomend that you try and link it into the poem more because at the minute it feels a bit out of the blue
'fame corrupts, as if knowledge doesn't.
if everyone knows my name, do my words mean
more than theirs-
if i'm educated, their words don't mean
as much as mine.'
I'm going to talk a bit more about this stanza in a mo but I'd just reccomend having a re-read of the latter half because it just seems a bit clunky and difficult, but I do like this!
Right, that is it for nitpicks. I could say capitalise the I's and things like that but I think that is a stylistic choice and one which I think works well within your ideas. Whilst I was reading through this I was thinking it sounded very animal farm-esque and then the shout out to George Orwell made me pretty confident that this is about communism. The stanza starting fame corrupts is a really nice poetic stanza and there isn't any crossing out or things like that so I think it stands out as the strongest. It is beautifully written so kudos for that! I think you've got a pretty decent poem here to be honest and I think your strong ideas come forward, I would just do the reccomendations I made and I personally think it would be excellent.
Keep up the good work,
here if you need me.
~Retro
I must remember to comment on this later >.>
alrighty.
the whole use of italics and whatnot was to draw the readers attention to those certain terms and phrases. as it is more of a rant just written in poetry form, it's meant to be read more as a mess of thoughts than a mess of metaphors.
the part where it talks about gay people is sort of a tangent from the bigger picture. you're right about it seeming out of place, as i felt that way when i was writing it as well xp
however that doesn't mean it doesn't belong there. it was actually supposed to be about racism at first, but that isn't as prevalent a subject as this was, i figured. they do have to do with what im talking about and sort of provide more of an overarching view on to the subject matter.
as for the george orwell part, i did sort of borrow a line from animal farm, but it isn't about communism, although it can apply if you'd like it to. i also thought it was interesting how your ideas were kinda the opposite of griffin's down below, shows just how much poetry is open for interpretation, aye? xp
minitrue
mini
The Ministry Of Truth to those who only understand oldspeak
What I liked about this is that it had style. True, you were ranting, but I, as the reader, was able to hear the emphasis you placed on every word. Sometimes I read poetry that seemed like the poet had used a formula, or was reading off a powerpoint presentation. If more of them wrote with this much flair, then I would probably read a lot more poetry.
Your use of bold, italics, capital letters, and strike-throughs was key to doing this. You used it cleverly and, most importantly, sparingly. You never did it more than once in the same stanza.
The one thing that doesn't work is the lower case i's in the place of a pronoun. This didn't emit style, it simply distracted the reader and made all the grammarians in the room start twitching. The rant seemed large, but the i's seemed impotent.
In spite of this, I was very pleased with what I saw.
I thank you for your compliments and your criticisms. I'll have to look more into the style next time :p
Thanks again.
Hey Veer, I'm here to review!
Just like to start off by saying this is mind-blowing-confusion stuff right here! I think I get it though... Correct me if I'm wrong -as you always do - but is the concept about how people have different opinions, and others don't always agree - that they try to change ones opinion? Am I close?
Anyway. Now I gotta say it, like I do every time. Grammar! It pisses me off!!!! You need to work on it, Veer.
Anywho, even though it was confusing as all get out I really liked it.
Hope you took something away from this *hint hint* YOUR GRAMMAR!!!
~Neverland. xx
the next time you complain about grammar in poetry I will shoot something.
but eehhhh you're kinda there kinda not xp
Hey, you used a capital 'I', yay!!!!!!
What part was right?
my phone did it for me
And not telling xp