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i refuse to outlive you

by veeren


the sun meets the horizon
gently flirts as it sets.
the sky cries for a color
just before it has left

through chaos til composure,
what a beautiful mess.
the stars glow like an angel
just as you do, no less


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Sun Feb 28, 2021 12:00 am
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ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey veersies,

Shady here with a quick review for you this fine evening <3

Let me start by saying that this is an absolutely beautiful poem! It's short, but packs so much beautiful imagery into it in two short stanzas, and is really just an enjoyable read from start to end. The one critique I have is:

the sky cries for a color
just before it has left


The "it" in this line is a little bit vague. At first, I was reading "it" to mean the sky, since that's the topic of the previous line, but it didn't really make sense for the sky to leave. So, now I'm thinking the "it" means the sun, but it's really vague what the "it" is referring to either way. Maybe try to make it a bit clearer what you're going for here?

through chaos til composure,
what a beautiful mess.


I absolutely ADORE these two lines. It's just such a wonderful description of a sunset that packs such amazing imagery into it.

You did such a nice with your descriptions in this poem and made it a thoroughly enjoyable read from start to finish. Great work!

~vypsies




veeren says...


THANK YOU VYPSIES <3

u are spot on the it is in reference to the sun but it does seem a bit vague. thank u for coming back here to read it again <33



ShadowVyper says...


<333



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Thu Feb 25, 2021 6:43 am
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Swetachowdhury0 says...



Hey dear, this one is beautiful.....




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Wed Feb 24, 2021 11:59 pm
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esthersanti1600 wrote a review...



Hi there! This is such a beautiful poem, though very simple. As someone who struggles ab it with written poetry, I really appreciate the simplicity of poems like this, that you can really see as a conversation. I have always appreciated poetry more in the spoken format as I feel that the emotions translate better, but this poem doesn't need that. You can feel every emotion in the words that you've written here, which is quite a feat.
The title is also beautiful, and I love poems that are tied together by their titles. A slight title change could give this poem a completely different meaning, and I love the one that you've settled on. It's such a raw thing to say and it has so much love in it.
I also really, really appreciate the subtle but still fitting rhyme scheme you've used here. It doesn't feel forced at all, and it flows right off the tongue and is so melodious. I love this poem so much! Great work!




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Tue Feb 23, 2021 2:44 pm
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aooborromeo wrote a review...



Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review. So let's get started!

This right here is just lovely. I can tell that you edited and revised this well, because I don't find any lines that I can deem unnecessary, which is a good skills, especially for poetry. It's very simple, clear, and concise, something I always admire in good poetry. The two stanzas fit together and sing together in harmony which is just wonderful. The language you chose, does great justice to the themes and emotions you are trying to put behind it.

I didn't see a set structure at first, but then when I looked more into the rhythm, I saw, like @whatchamacallit, a 7-6-7-6 syllable scale, which works very well and is consistent. Thank you as well for a consistent ABCB rhyme scale. The rhyming and rhythm adds a more whimsical feel to the poem, which is just perfect for the choice of images and diction. Sometimes the inconsistency adds emotional layers to the poem, here that would take away from the feeling. The use of alliteration with consonance is something I highly admire in the following lines;

through chaos til composure


and

the sky cries for a color


Usually grammar and punctuation are very important, sometimes I see the merits of forgoing such things for style and a more aesthetic approach. This might just be me being picky, but I actually would prefer maybe a more grammatical approach to some of the lines. @whatchamacallit had some points that I agree with, such as replacing "flirts" with "flirting." I think it wouldn't do a disservice to the scale of the flow, but at the same time I like the syllable pattern consistent. So... I'm a little conflicted on that part.

One thing though with grammar is the line

just as you do, no less


and

just before it has left


needs periods. I just think it would add emphasis to the statement, just a thought. However with the last line of that first stanza, I actually have to disagree with @whatchamacallit, I think the line actually for some reason makes sense here. That's just my thought, though. I'm only 17 so from your profile, I'm much more inexperienced.

Overall, this was just delightful to read and I can tell you're very skilled. Wonderful uses of figurative language and word choices. Not too much, not too little. I loved reading it every second. Maybe, you and @whatchamacallit can help with editing my work since you both clearly are skilled on that part...

Nice job!! Can't wait to read more.




veeren says...


thank you for taking the time to read it : )
I'll be happy to take a look at your work if you want to send me a link



aooborromeo says...


It's on my profile actually, but if you can't find it I can always try to email it to you. That would be great if you could help. For some reason, I'm always great at editing everyone else's work but not my own.



veeren says...


I'll take a look when I have some free time later today !



aooborromeo says...


Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!



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Sun Feb 21, 2021 10:24 pm
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LilPWilly wrote a review...



Dang oof
This is beautiful.
The title is good enough, but the poem, I might have to post on my wall (irl that is)
Idk I want review points so I’m going to point out how the whole time your descriptors can flip romantically but you only define the metaphor in the last phrase. How you watch the sun set and stars rise in chronological order. How the actual poetic lines are so perfect for love. How the rhythm is flawless and rhyme scheme simply perfect, and one line physically drops into the next. I could try to turn this into a song lol.
In closing, wow.




veeren says...


thank you I appreciate the kind words, glad to have you read my work <3



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Sun Feb 21, 2021 5:07 pm
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi there veeren! I saw this sweet little poem hanging around and thought I'd stop by with a quick review for you ^^

I really love how simple and clean this poem is. You say exactly the right amount, not any more or any less - the two stanzas fit together so nicely and the poem feels like it finishes at just the right spot. The imagery, too, is short and sweet and altogether quite effective. My favourite description has to be in the opening stanza when you describe the sun "flirting with the horizon" -> that sort of language helps to set up a romantic mood while also painting a lovely image.

The flow and rhyming scheme also help to give the poem a kind of gentler feel, if that makes sense. It looks like you're using a 7-6-7-6 syllable count? The consistency in line length and syllable count definitely strengthens the flow and rhythm of the poem!

There are just a couple of spots where I feel like you sacrificing the feel of the poem for the flow + rhyming scheme. The first is at the start:

the sun meets the horizon
gently flirts as it sets.
^Technically, you either need an "and" before "gently", or need to change "flirts" to "flirting". Without a doubt, things like grammar, punctuation, and capitalization are stylistic choices in poetry, so you're free to take this comment with a grain of salt c: However, I do think in this case, the lapse in grammar jolts me out of the poem slightly, and it might be worth breaking the syllable count to get rid of that jolt. I don't personally think adding an extra syllable with "flirting" would drastically harm the flow!

The other spot is also in the first stanza, this time the last line:
just before it has left
^Here, I do understand that you're both filling the rhyming scheme and the syllable count with this line. However, to me the phrase "before it has left" feels a bit off in this context; I think you're trying to replace the phrase "just before it leaves", but to me the replacement feels a bit awkward. This could just be a me thing though - if it sounds fine to you, that's totally okay!

You've got some lovely consonance and alliteration sprinkled through the poem, as well -> "cries for a color" and "chaos til composure" both give it a nice melodic feel! :)

One last small thought / suggestion I had while reading was to perhaps add a bit more punctuation, or just completely trash punctuation and not have any punctuation marks. I say this because you have a period after "sets" and "mess", which would suggest you're using conventional punctuation -> and would thus also want a period after "left" and "less". If you chose the punctuation you currently have intentionally, that's of course your choice, and I'd love to hear your reason! In the end, it's definitely not a huge deal, but I wanted to bring it up since I don't really have any major critiques for this poem as a whole c:

Overall, this was a really sweet and enjoyable poem to read! I thought you did a great job of making use of elements like rhyme, syllable count, and alliteration! I also really enjoyed the simple but heartfelt images you incorporated into the poem. Really well done - I can't wait to read more of your poems in the future <3

I hope this is useful, and if you have any questions about anything I said feel free to ask.

Keep writing!

whatcha




veeren says...


this is exactly the type of feedback i was hoping for so thank you so much :,((

as for the punctuation you're absolutely correct it's what gave me the hardest time when i was writing this. i ultimately settled on the two periods, each one separating their respective stanzas in half, but looking back that is something that could have been done better.

i for sure also made some sacrifices for the sake of rhythm here and that is something i will have to work on, but i'm happy you pointed it out. THANK YOU AGAIN FOR READING I APPRECIATE YOUR REVIEW <3





aww I'm glad it was helpful ^^

YOU'RE WELCOME, THANK YOU FOR WRITING SUCH A SWEET AND LOVELY POEM <3



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Sun Feb 21, 2021 4:04 pm
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ayelenwritesstuff wrote a review...



I really liked reading this! The way you rhymed made it feel very melodic, almost like a lullaby. It's very lyrical and pretty. I could visualize the entire scene very easily because of your wonderful word choices. To me, it feels like it's telling someone that no matter their flaws, their "chaos" you still think they are amazing. I love this AHHHH!! I wish some one could read me this. :)




veeren says...


THANK YOU i'm glad you enjoyed reading it : )



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Sun Feb 21, 2021 7:27 am
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ryleigha wrote a review...



Hello! This is so very lovely and Romantic! You are able to capture a scene perfectly in two stanzas while also making me wish someone was reading this to me! I don't think you should change anything! This is so beautiful. "Through chaos til composure, what a beautiful mess" is such an amazing and raw line!




veeren says...


thank you for taking the time to read it, I appreciate your kind words : ))




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