on the creation of us

Hi veeren, I am Buranko for a quick review (though I have no idea if it will be quick or long). I don't like long introductions so here we go.

I want to start by saying I'm a huge fan of including elements belonging to the sphere of the universe. The beginning of your poem is really good because of you presenting the elements that go into making and possibly poetically explain love as a whole. I prefer poems that are a little more vague but can definitely appreciate one that is more on the explaining side.

Completing the idea from before that lovers belong to the same star introduce the idea that the lovers gravitate one to another and make the star complete once again. Moreover, explaining the concept in the previous line you say that the lovers "pick out everything that feels familiar.". I didn't really like this addition because it feels pretty out of place, conflicting the introductory idea that lovers belong to the same star. If they belong to the same star why would they need to pick specifically something familiar, won't they already feel familiar one in another. But, leaving that aside, I love how you added the notion of language in it. This branches in more interpretations, one that you said " i’m not one for talking much ", implying the need to communicate in one way or another, or the other that I like as much which removes any border, any limit, anything in the way of love, even the language barrier, making love the universal language, expressed through hugs and kisses.

The last stanza doesn't really make sense. I can see you tried to make the lovers individually stand by themselves as two stars but why introduce the idea of a mother star for both of them only to scrap it and make it two stars. You could have tried to make it seem they combine one with another by breaking and being pulled into one mix. That yet is out of place as well.

And when trying to explain stuff you kind of overdid it and made the lines a little too crowded and heavy.

Of course my ideas and critiques are mine and what you decide to do, listen to them or not is completely up to you. I may have missed some important factors when reviewing. If I did it please forgive me for the mistakes and would be grateful if you could explain where it happened. Great poem nevertheless

Love this work! Hope to see more from ya!

Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! So let's started.

POSITIVES:

First and foremost, I love this poem! It's very descriptive and concise when it comes to the theme and mood. I can tell that this poem was edited very well because I couldn't find anything that clouded up the themes and the poem itself. Everything was very clear and to the point. The small little narrative you came up with is truly impeccable! I have to say this is one of the best poems I've seen on this forum.

Your writing style is very lyrical, and I could easily see this poem being recited in a competition like Poetry Out Loud. The use of the lack of capitalization seems to be intentional. I'm all for the use of grammatical lack of structure to add aesthetic depth. I truly think it works here and is not overkill.

My favorite lines in particular were

i wonder if we came from the same star-
from the same dust that once floated through space
and by chance managed to find itself on this
lonely planet.

and by chance managed to find itself on this
lonely planet.

This poem is lovely!! Extended metaphors are, in my humble opinion, the VERY BEST literary devices, and this poem did it perfectly!! You've created a small story, a comfortable and beautiful love in your words. Your writing style is gorgeous, and every single line in this is intentional and adds to the beauty of the poem. You've managed to weave together several threads and trains of thought into one story and it's absolutely lovely. Great poem!!