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E - Everyone

these feels are rated e for everyone

by veeren


please listen along here as you read :))

***

why do we wait til it’s too long since we’re gone
how am i so caught up im on my own
things never seem to come out how we want
thought i used to know myself but now i dont

i wanna love but it’s t-i-ring me out
only ins-i-de do i know
who’s left to pick me up when it’s all going so wrong
i can’t decide if i want to be here no more

but when the days done and i come to bed here alone
i think to myself is this all there is in my home
thoughts passing by it’s hard to decide they’re all wrong
leave me to voices bottles of poison all gone

i wish i coulda told myself that i need help
and it’s not too late for me
how do i explain to them inside my head
it dont need no company
but look me in my eyes so i feel the butterflies (for a minute)
with the hope you’re givin me
but when i think twice on how everyone lies
i remember why it’s feeling so hard to breathe


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Sat Sep 09, 2023 8:14 pm
foxmaster wrote a review...



Hey, foxmaster here for a quick review!
Wow. This was good, and I really liked the lyrics to this. It was really impressive, and this made me feel so peaceful, and calm! I was very impressed, and immediately went to all the other reviews to see what everyone else thought of it!

However, it's clear that his needs to be polished a bit. You should definitely capitalize I, because I found myself getting lost in this tangle of no capitalization while I read this.

In addition, you don't add any commas, apostrophes, anything, which can lo make this confusing. (I don't know if it's supposed to be like that, because I have never reviewed lyrics before, so tell me if I'm wrong or not.)
Also, the verses felt really long, and like I said, I was pretty confused.

But, other than that, that's it, and I was impressed.
happy writing,
-Foxmaster
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Sat Sep 09, 2023 5:36 pm
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OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...



Hiya! This is Orabella, here with quick review.

This. Is. Beautiful. Is that you singing?! If so, you're so good! (I'm just in shock right now, don't mind me.) After I heard it, it was still ringing in my head, and made me feel so calm. I'm listening to it right now as I'm writing this. I'm still loving this. It's just so pretty!

The only real critique I have isn't apart of your writing per se, but of the song itself. While not looking at the lyrics, it's really hard to hear what you're saying. Enunciation is the only thing needed here. (But also it's still good even when you can't understand it. And also, I can't understand most lyrics in songs, soo... you might not want to listen to me. Honestly my sound might just be too low so I can't hear your voice properly. So I guess what you need to know is that if you turn your sound down and have a lot of noise around you, some people who aren't good at understanding spoken language may not be able to hear all your words.)

I think my favorite part is:

i wish i coulda told myself that i need help
and it’s not too late for me


I dunno why. I just like it.

Anyways, that's all from me. Please keep writing (and singing! this was amazing!). Have an awesome day!!

(As I'm finishing this up, I'm literally humming this song to myself)

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Tue Sep 05, 2023 12:38 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey there veeren! Icy here for a quick review. I'm not super good at lyric reviews, but in honour of RevMo and the checklist challenge, I thought I'd give it a shot!

Firstly, I love the title of this. You've made it sound very contemporary, but already I can tell there's an element of inclusivity so before reading (or listening to) they lyrics, I have the feels.

I'm really glad you included a recording along with this piece. Predominantly because I loved the melody but also because I feel the impact of the lyrics is sometimes lost when just reading rather than listening to how the author intended it to sound!

The only nitpick I have is that some of the narrative didn't make sense to me. Specifically, the first line. Whilst it sounds nice, I think the lack of clarity for me made it harder to focus on the rest of the verse because I was caught up in trying to work out what it was too long since?

The end of this was definitely my favourite, specifically this line:
but look me in my eyes so i feel the butterflies (for a minute)

I think this was beautifully written, and even better to listen to - thanks for sharing!

Icy
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Thu Aug 31, 2023 7:03 pm
Abditory says...



Really love the vibe of this song and a lot of the lines are so relatable, Overall an amazing song! (Btw is that your voice? If so it's absolutely lovely!) <3




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Sun Jun 11, 2023 1:27 am
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LadySpark wrote a review...



hey there!

really like what you have going here, especially with the audio accompaniment component. It really adds a great layer to your poem. I'm going to focus on what i noticed in both versions, as it seems that music really embellishes and emphasizes your imagery. Well done.

the first line does trip me up a bit, as it's not really grammatically correct in a way that doesn't make any sense to me. Too long since we're gone from what? It's not the biggest deal, but I do think you need to have clarity at the outset of your poem to really pull the reader/listener in and I was still confused when I went through the audio version.


i think there's some trimming you could do for conciseness of storyline in order for the flow to work better and to avoid telling/cliche language. Lines like "wh's left to pick me up when it's all going so wrong" doesn't really draw us in the way a line showing someone having nobody *in the context of their circumstances*. When you're editing, go through the poem and see where edits can be made to provide more context, which will in turn improve the emotional vunerability and connection to the reader. Same goes for showing, rather than telling.

You have some really great language in the last two stanzas of this. I really love the last half of the final stanza, especially the way the eyes/butterfles line flows. It's absolute luxury in the audio verison.

nice work, happy editing and congrats on getting this piece out of the green room!

xo sparkles




veeren says...


<33 thank you for all of the notes!! i will definitely look into how i can improve on the details you mentioned



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Sun May 28, 2023 5:04 pm
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Kaia wrote a review...



Well, I do have to say this is quite relatable. I think everyone gets a moment or two (or twenty thousand) when they'd find lines in this relatable.

I think this was probably my favorite line:

i think to myself is this all there is in my home
thoughts passing by it’s hard to decide they’re all wrong
leave me to voices bottles of poison all gone


It just so easily relates the feelings of emptiness and gloominess. And the thoughts that make it "hard to decide [that] they're all wrong" is something very difficult to put into words, but you did it there! Thoughts are often little lying traps. And when you're already feeling a bit down, one lying thought telling you you aren't good enough can really send you down a mountain slide!

Thanks for sharing! This was awesome.

Have a great day and stay positive!
-Kaia




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Tue May 23, 2023 11:27 am
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soundofmind says...



when you said “i wanna love but it’s— *sickest beat drop ever*” i felt that




veeren says...


LMAOOOOooo it needed a lil bouncy bounce



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Tue May 23, 2023 12:45 am
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luxeterna says...



this is such a raw piece. seriously made me cry. super awesome, i really don't know what else to say




veeren says...


<33 thank you for taking the time to read/listen



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Sun May 21, 2023 1:32 am
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Monsters says...



It's on a new level :-)




veeren says...


<33



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Sat May 13, 2023 2:45 am
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Spearmint says...



i have listened to this multiple times already and ahh <3 i love your voice and the melody and the lyrics 0.0 (the "t-i-ring me out" and "ins-i-de" sound so nice, and the "things never seem to come out how we want / thought i used to know myself but now i dont" and "but when i think twice on how everyone lies / i remember why it’s feeling so hard to breathe" really resonate.) i hope you keep making music!! ^-^




veeren says...


AHH thank you so much :,) it really means a lot and and im so glad you enjoyed it <33



Spearmint says...


<333




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