you cut so deep it hurt
i thought you knew me
after all the times i'd come to you
for your help
but only when it was convenient for you
you'd shut me out
and demand more from me
the later it got
i tried to be faithful
i didnt even think of looking for another
near or far
wherever they may be
but i'll have you know
that this was the last straw
cuz you messed up my hairline dawg
so a new barber i'll find
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
I bet ur hairline isn't complaining now bc of manbun (u still growing ur hair right?????)
yes yes yesss and if u got an instagram u'd know that ugh
;-; I got no storage space man pls liek update ur WhatsApp pic once in a while or something SO I KNOW K
I BARELY USE WHATSAPP OMG GET WITH THE TIMES HOMIE
;-;
FYN I DON'T NEED TO SEE UR MANBUN
IT'S NOT EVEN RLY A MANBUN UGH
ILL NEVER KNOW
YOU WILL IF U STEP UP UR TECHNOLOGY GAME
IM BROKE OK I DONT GOT MONEY FOR NEW TECHNOLOGY
one day when ur rich you will enjoy the privilege of staring at my beautiful hair
k see u in insta in about... never
;-;
I ain't with his pessimistic talk
Hey.
Okay so, I loved it. It's sorta relatable. I mean, really really good job. Second thing, why don't you use punctuation? Would be better, right?
And of course, your ending. I think I've heard that line before, but whatevs. I'd love it if you'd extend it, (not saying that I didn't like it this way, just want to read more). And honestly, it's a very very different composition if you ask me. Like, I was getting bored on YWS lol so kudos because you got something interesting there. So I'm gonna go and review your other stuff
Good job.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo
this is a year old >.>
I know ._.
When I saw the title of this poem I thought it was going to bea sloppy and cliche, but I was wrong. You have created a fast paced poem based on a past event and this can be hard to do. I would like to ask you your age because this is an amazing poem and you should be proud. I wish you all the best as a poet and I hope that you become successful.
I rate it 4.5 stars
i am 19 and wrote this when i was 18 thank you kindly
Heyo, xJupiter will save the day.
At the beginning you jumped right into the poem, as if rushing it a bit. Another thing would be capitalization. It makes the poem look more professional to please try to correct that in the future. The second stanza was absolutely perfect. I loved the wording on it, nice work. But the 3rd stanza sounded like you were running out of ideas a bit, "I didn't even think of looking for another, near or far, wherever they may be." Buuuut last but certainly not least, that ending doe... xD I can't complain, that was spot on.
hehe im glad you enjoyed this enough to comment twice xp
Nice! c:
tyty
This was me as I was reading most of the poem: "Daang, that bites."
Then this came out:
Oh dear XD.
oh it bites alright
I love you're poems. There always so random XD.
why thank you xp
Why your welcome
This was awesome! Heartbreaking story of a man and his barber lol. Great stuff!
>.>
"cuz you messed up my hairline dawg
so a new barber i'll find"
*giggle*
Wut?
did you reaaaallly xp
at least read my gooooood poetry >.>
oh wait, that doesnt exist xp
I like this, especially those two lines
dont flatter me Dx
But, bro! I feel so bad for your messed up hairline! *goes to find new barber*
its all good, ive been growing out my hair for like a year now xp
Hey Veeren, it's monsters.
Vereen, I want to just tell you to slow down and perfect something before you move on. You got something to say that is awfully simple and yah turned it into this combination of very broad interpretations and awkward phrasings; I can't admire anything you write until you clean it up. You gotta learn how to get what your trying to say across to your readers in the most easy to understand way possible; some of this just doesn't make any sense, and some of it is purposely cryptic. I would suggest to take the core ideas out and start over so the wording is concise, clear and not so awkward logically and grammatically.
I ain't no poet, but I'll take your advice anyway xp
I'm loving this. I love the pain I feel through the poem and I can feel how human it is. I can relate to this totally and can feel the words you write.
I love that it is so personal and that makes it so better for me!
The only thing I would say is to just look through the capital letters in the work. But other than that, I love!
Why thank you
Damn honey.
Omg you
Omg I know right
I know you know right
Hilarious. I kid you not, I could not stop rereading this. I think I've got it memorized by now. I think you should correct the punctuation because it could change the meaning of the word. For example, without the apostrophe, I'll changes to ill, meaning sick.
That's all
Good job,
DarkHeart
thats actually the first time a punctuation correction made sense for me o.o
I shall do that later, thanks
Reading this piece, a second time, with the knowledge that it was about your barber made it a very entertaining read. Good job.
However, the title mislead me a bit, but then again
If I had to suggest anything, I'd say maybe have a little bit more showing then telling. But other than that I enjoyed it.
Peace/Love
Jonas :]
gracias for teh read xp
looooooooooooooooooooool
xp
Ooookay, I see how this particular poem was listed under dramatic XD
Moving on, the subject of the poem was very unclear. First of all, the title was misleading. You could have at least foreshadowed that this was about a barber. I didn't see how this was about a barber at all...
Try proofreading your work to correct any grammatical mistakes as well as trying the center your poem over your subject. Throughout the entire poem, I was misled to believe this was about something else other than a barber. I suggest changing your attitude to make it sound a little more realistic that you are talking about a barber... You hardly developed the poem to reveal that the speaker, in the end, was ranting about their barber.
This line confused me or rather, jarred at me. The wording can be fixed as well as try to edit it so that it corresponds with the earlier lines.
The last stanza seemed to go out of sync with the rest of the poem. The tone changed, try fixing this.
This was rather a humorous poem, in the end, but try to avoid misleading your readers by either fixing the title, or foreshadowing the truth. I hope this becomes even better.
as you say, liptoncookie xp
thanks for reading
I really don't know if I should laugh or not, so I'll just have to ask to make sure.
Are you seriously talking about your barber? Or just a barber in general I guess.
Ugg....Is your narrator/narrative voice speaking to his/her barber?
I'm going to stop that train of thought before it decides to run crazy again.
I'm not going to nitpick any grammar errors, since looking at the work I kind of get the vibe that you meant for it to be that way, so why bother, you know?
And even if you didn't mean for it to be that way (not likely, I think) then you can go through and fix them at any time you want.
I like the stanza structure. Maybe that sounds a little crazy, but I just like it when stanzas look somewhat uniform. It's one of the few things that I am OCD crazy about.
Looking at this again, I am laughing.
It would be the last straw for me if my hairline was messed up, but since I self-cut, I would have only myself to blame.
In conclusion, this was really good in my opinion.
~Teen~
yes it's okay to laugh, and yes, they are speaking to their barber xp
luckily though this is all fiction and my mane is still growing xp
thanks for reading and reviewing
Always a pleasure......excuse me I hear chocolate calling my name.
>.>
I'm one of those girls who's like: GIVE ME CHOCOLATE AND NO ONE GETS HURT!
My mom made cookie bars. I had to embrace the sugar.
well methinks chocolate is yucky xp
That's great! We all have our own likes/dislikes.
omg someone who didn't freak out
you are going to forever be called knightawesome