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If Random Were a Language, I Would Eat Chocolate

by veeren


Had Black not told me to write this, I would've never fell asleep,
The horse never would've bit the cow,
and the mule would've never told the rat to go fishing.

Give me two minutes and I'm sure this'll be worth your time.
Unless you don't have two minutes, in which case,
You don't deserve my time. The time that I spent writing this,
is time spent breathing, and had I not breathed while writing this,
I'd probably still not have died yet.

So then there were three potatoes, of course I call them pototoes, don't ask why,
and the last mouse told me to grab them. But of course
me being a pilot and all,
told him to do it himself.
So you know what he did? He took the apple and ate it.
Didn't even bother sharing.

And so last night we completed the ceremony, flowers and all.
Left the coats to hang, and walked out the house into a place we called,
outside.

Fin.


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Thu Feb 15, 2018 8:30 pm
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Bellarke wrote a review...



LIZ is here in the room ready for a review!!!!!!


This is fantastic!!!!!! I truly loved it. There was no point setting the name that long, it is kinda an irrelevant title.

MY favorite part is, "Had Black not told me to write this, I would've never fell asleep,The horse never would've bit the cow,and the mule would've never told the rat to go fishing., because it is like an intro!!!


IIIIIIIIII Love it.




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Thu Aug 03, 2017 1:56 am
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Tylexie says...



THIS IS SO BEAUTIFULLY RANDOM. It's amazing.




veeren says...


your kind words are much appreciated



Tylexie says...


I'm glad to hear that :)



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Tue Jul 25, 2017 12:59 pm
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DarshayataDeka says...



Hi! Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.

From the title to the last line of the poem, everything's shining in humor and randomness. The words flowed out smoothly (even though they weren't that meaningful) and the grammar was flawless. I loved it! Speaking of love, a rat stole my cheese today. Why? Because it loved cheese, that's so obvious. However, everything in this universe is not so obvious. You gotta be clever to survive. I think there's a simile for that, but I forgot whether it was 'as clever as a fox'or 'as clever as a dog'. By the way, my dog ate my homework, so the teacher made me go outside the classroom and to pass the time, I was browsing the internet randomly on my phone and came upon this awesome poem.




veeren says...


keep it up and one day i'll be able to call you my protege kid





It'll be an honor to be your protege kid!!!



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Tue Jan 03, 2017 6:46 pm
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AlexOfLight says...



It's so random!




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Sat Apr 18, 2015 9:07 am
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Reet3103 wrote a review...



Hey.

Lol what even.. xD Okay this was really awesome, cool idea. I loved the whole thing, the title got me into it so..

And obviously, no glitches in your language of course (no criticism I guess) and punctuatttiooonnn, why no punctuation? I know it's a small thing as compared to your compositions, but it's just a personal suggestion, I kinda like it.

So there, your creations are just awesome, love them a lot! Keep up the awesome job.

Stay blessed.

xoxo




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Thu Apr 16, 2015 10:18 pm
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CuriosityCat says...



XD This reminds me of that Monty Python quote:

"Grasp the news-reader's nose firmly, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers."




veeren says...


sounds pretty acurate xp



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Thu Apr 16, 2015 7:41 pm
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hello!

This has made it in and out of the spotlight so many times. I figured I should finally stop by and leave a comment.

This reminds me of dadaism, a movement started during the first world war in Switzerland. The movement, like surrealism, stretched over types of art (visual, poetry, literature, theatre), and consisted of random images. Literally, that was it. Weird images put together.

You see, the dadaists thought that war was bad (they were mostly refugees that fled to Switzerland because of the war), and that war was born from humanity's innate desire for order. It would be all right if they all wanted to live with the same order, but because different systems of order exist (different government types, religions, etc.), war is born from the desire for order.

Because of this, dadaists chose to eschew order in their artwork, choosing random images that are supposed to remind whoever consumes the art that war is ridiculous.

While this is still fairly ordered for a dada poem, I think that it definitely has some aspects of dadaism within it.

Good work. Congrats on all the likes, forever. Hope this was enlightening! Happy YWSing!




veeren says...


i am a dadaist



Morrigan says...


good.



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Wed Apr 15, 2015 10:33 pm
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FireBird99 says...



Be stupid and you become famous XD. *clears throat* I mean awesome and you become famous :P.I think this is what kind of poetry I love. This poem certainly was hilarious and I loved it all the way through. Although, I don't think I got half of it :P :P. Awesome job!




veeren says...


why thank you kindly xp



FireBird99 says...


Your very welcome xD



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Mon Jan 12, 2015 6:51 am
Corncob says...



Um.
Image
Pototoes.
Image




veeren says...


potototototototototoooooeeesss



Corncob says...


Yes. Yes they are.
BUT WHAT ARE THEY



veeren says...


they are delicious



Corncob says...


well



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Mon Jan 12, 2015 4:04 am
ShadowVyper says...



How did you manage to get this featured a second time? xD




veeren says...


i wish i knew vypsies, iiiiiii wish



ShadowVyper says...


Ah. Hm. Well, I still hold that this is secretly about WR. ;)



veeren says...


you can make of it what you want, i still have yet to figure it out xp



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Mon Jan 12, 2015 1:09 am
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racket says...



XDDDDD Uh... what just happened? *brain explodes* Awesome.




veeren says...


bruuuhhhhhh



racket says...


Whuuuuu?



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Sat Sep 27, 2014 6:03 pm
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RavenLord says...



I liked that a lot!! What inspired you to write this???




veeren says...


A user named blackwood, as it says it n the first sentence xp



RavenLord says...


Ah. Thank you for telling me this!! I did not catch the first sentence.



veeren says...


no problem, and thank you for the compliments xp



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Thu Oct 10, 2013 2:37 am
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Iggy says...



Who ends a work with "fin" anymore?

Omg you're so old.

<3




veeren says...


Only da cool kids



Iggy says...


Only da idiots



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Fri Jul 26, 2013 12:43 am
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GennaRoberts wrote a review...



hi im genna and this was fuuny. you use a lot of stuff that doesnt make sense but it kinda helped cause you called the poem random so it helps that nothing made sense. i think you could make it longer and more random and that would be funny cause you could make everyone laugh more and show us that random is a language lol. i dont get the choclate thing cause you never talk about it but you never talk about random either but you can tell that everything random cause of how you used the words and stuff so you did a good job with that, but try to make the title realte to the work so we can know what were reading okay?

i think the last line was the best cause it really summed everything up really well when you said it. fin. it shows us that the poem is over so theres no more too it but thats obvious lol anyway good job your a really good writer like the best and youre totally awesome i should follow you like everyone else does. byeeeeeee




veeren says...


ty lol



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Thu Jul 25, 2013 6:27 am
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Killyouwithwords wrote a review...



This is an awesome poem! To think that all those poets (including me I must say) spend all that time making everything exactly right, making all the lines flow, and end up with nothing but empty opinions, and no pride to show for it. Then here you-a pilot!;)- come waltzing in with an apple eating mouse and hanging coats! Well done, I loved all of it...but in the end I should probably admit that I'm biased and would probably have found something wrong with it if it didn't remind me of someone else who could probably easy outshine you with her absolute randomness...but don't take that as an insult because she could easily outshine ANYONE with her randomness:) But, there, that's off topic and this is supposed to be a review so...10/10!




veeren says...


I'd love to meet this competition of mine someday ;)



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Wed Jul 24, 2013 11:09 pm
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Sheeparewooly says...



I really liked this poem! Especially the "pototoes" and the "pilot" part! I wonder how hard it was picking and choosing the words for this poem! I also wonder how some poems have the words delicately chosen and written, and are completely boring, but how this poem is just random sentences put together and it is awesome! (And you just made me hungry for chocolate through a poem!) Great poem.




veeren says...


Well not to brag,but it took n time at all ;)
Glad you liked it.



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Tue Jul 23, 2013 8:32 pm
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MooCowPoop says...



New user here. Just read your poem and I thought it was funny. Random, yes, but very funny.




veeren says...


Glad you thought so ;)



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Tue Jul 23, 2013 5:53 pm
deleted12 says...



I didn't really read the poem but...cooooooool.....yada yada yada....bye....on account of the
comments...it must have been cool. Hey I just say something in it that said:...''He took the apple and ate it. Didn't even bother sharing'' Neat...that part is cool and a couple other sentences and such are interesting...well, nice work! ;) -De12




deleted12 says...


*saw



veeren says...


I'm not sure whether to thank you or...



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Mon Jul 22, 2013 5:54 am
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SoundsOfLife says...



My oh my oh my. It looks like you made a winner Veeren. :D 42 likes so far.
Amazing! You are AMAZING!




veeren says...


No need to flatter md :P



veeren says...


Me...



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Mon Jul 22, 2013 5:29 am
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Rurouni says...



This is very random.... But I like it!




veeren says...


Thanks :D



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Mon Jul 22, 2013 12:28 am
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WillowCutz says...



Willow C. here to review your poem.
I apologize in advance for my personality.

I love it. It's perfect just they way it is. The randomness was perfect and the rythmn was very nice. All in all it was a good poem. I am still waiting for the part that talks about chocolate though.




veeren says...


Maybe I'll make a sequel just for you ;)



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Sun Jul 21, 2013 3:25 pm
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Dutiful says...



Why am I the 27th person to read this?! I don't know. I'm lazy, you see.

I have two words for you. Clue-less. Thats what I felt after reading this. Ina good way :D

If this could get any random-er, I would stop eating chocolate.

But I'll tell you this, it wasn't a waste of my time at all. YOU DID GREAT!

-Divz.






lol Dutiiiii. I saw you liked it and was like, woah! XD



veeren says...


Aw thanks guuurl.
And I'm sure there was more than 27 people ;)





Oh well, the important thing here is that, I supported this totally confusing endeavor :D



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Sun Jul 21, 2013 2:37 am
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Swiftfurthewarrior wrote a review...



I have three words for you: What. Was. That.

The title was what caught my attention. Because it's so, strange,you've completed the first step, hooking the reader in.

The rest of it was amusing. Didn't make sense, but it was still funny.

Well, I liked this strange poem of yours.
I'd give it three and a half thumbs up.




veeren says...


Could've done without the half, but thanks :D



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Thu Jul 18, 2013 8:30 pm
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KatyyMayy wrote a review...



Hello!

This is incredibly funny! This little piece of work made my entire day. Your're a great poet! ^^

'So then there were three potatoes, of course I call them pototoes, don't ask why'

This was my favorite part because I loved the 'don't ask why.' The flow of the poem was aslo great.

Over all, I hope too read more of your poems! Keep up the good work!

Xoxoxoxs,

Katy




veeren says...


No need to flatter me, but thanks ;)



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Thu Jul 18, 2013 8:12 pm
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ImHero says...



Love the tone and satire, can't tell you what the poem is about though. :D




veeren says...


That's the point ;)



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Thu Jul 18, 2013 7:25 pm
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TaylorLove says...



I loved this so much because I was laughing the whole time. From the title to the last word, there was a huge smile on my face. Thank you for writing this, you did a very good job. I am still laughing to be honest.




veeren says...


Glad I could make you smile then :D



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Thu Jul 18, 2013 12:02 pm
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RoyalHighness says...



This was fantastically random, hilariously disjointed and I loved every second of it. You really know how to take something funny and silly and write it really well. I especially loved the second stanza because it was especially random and deliciously weird. Good job!




veeren says...


Thanks xP
I'm glad you thought it was so good.



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Thu Jul 18, 2013 2:16 am
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Griffinkeeper says...



It doesn't really show off your writing skills or technique, but that doesn't mean it isn't a fun piece to read anyway.




veeren says...


Fair enough ;)



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Wed Jul 17, 2013 5:28 pm
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KnightTeen says...



This is so nutty the squirrels are jealous of you.

In HomeschooledTeen speak, that translates to "This is totally awesome!"




veeren says...


I've always wanted to make the squirrels jealous.



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Pencil2paper says...



Beautiful. Simply beautiful. It is a literary masterpiece to rival the best. That darn mouse is just so inconsiderate, isn't he. I think you may take the cake for randomness. Or the potatoes or the apple. Please excuse my awful jokes. It is late and I am rambling randomly. Anyway, that was an awesome, random, nutjob-written poem. Well done.




veeren says...


Atleast someone appreciates my hard work.



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deleted17 wrote a review...



It had an air of satire of it, my friend. I loved it. It was almost like a children's rhyme, yet it was pure and simple it wasn't. I liked how you wrote it to my friend, though the name of this is confusing, but nonetheless it was fantastic. I'll be sure to read your other works, but as always don't count on me being this nice on the others.
With All Do Respect
Wholesomereader.




veeren says...


Always nice to know your two cents.



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Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:45 pm
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StoneHeart says...



Hello second assistant nutjob!

>>Nice job<<




veeren says...


Why thank you



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Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:04 pm
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IngridClayre says...



Very good, Veer. I really liked this. Hahaha... It sounds like one our chats with you, Crazy and I over at the WriterFeed Pad!! This poem made me laugh. :D




veeren says...


Glad you enjoyed it ;)



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BlueSquare says...



I really enjoyed this poem. I especially liked the randomness of it, and the fact that it wasn't so serious. Normally when I read poems they're all dark and serious. Good work!




veeren says...


I live to be different ;)



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Tue Jul 16, 2013 9:44 am
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elcuidador says...



I take this poem as a challenge, I hold the randomness title on YWS. You will hear from me soon, mark my words.




veeren says...


We'll see ;)



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Mon Jul 15, 2013 6:28 pm
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skorlir says...



Haha. Ha.

*Not taking this seriously enough to review*




veeren says...


No one likes to be serious.



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Mon Jul 15, 2013 2:00 pm
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Dakushau wrote a review...



I love the complete and utter randomness of the poem, reminds me of my inner self at times. Great title, great poem, good job! Being as this poem is supposed to be entirely random, I find no fault within it. I commend you on your ability of writing utter nonsense. And you were right! It sure was worth the time it took to read this.

Keep writing random!

~Dakushau




veeren says...


Thank you :D
I'm glad you liked it.



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Mon Jul 15, 2013 8:55 am
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Auxiira says...



The randomness is amazing... Remind me to drink a few coffees with you at some point...




veeren says...


Yeah, coffees ;)



Auxiira says...


like 11 and we can stay up for 50 hours straight ^^



veeren says...


No I mean, cooooffeeeeees ;)



Auxiira says...


huh?



veeren says...


Seriously? You don't get it?
Coooofffeeeeeeeeeeeee?



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Mon Jul 15, 2013 1:41 am
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Caerulean wrote a review...



I don't know if I can review this at all
'cause this is just so fun to read! :D
I cannot dare think I'd find a fault
in a random poem like this. xD

I'll try to point out some things
though I might make no point.
Was "Had Black not told me to write this"
made intentionally wrong?

'Cause if so, you were not consistent
with the rest of this little tale.
In the sense, the rest was perfect
while that first clause failed.

But mind me not, it's an epic start(!)
confuzzling us the way you did,
just after you've caught our curious eyes
with a title so crazily splendid.

Effective was your free-verse,
being so spontaneously wild.
And I love the way you excluded
the place we called 'outside'.

BSYPR!

Spoiler! :
But seriously, your poem rocks!




veeren says...


Thank you sir.
Black actually refers to the yws user Blackwood. ;)



Whisperer says...


Oh! xD I was confused there. lol



Blackwood says...


It is my sexy self.



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Sat Jul 13, 2013 8:26 pm
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spinelli says...



This makes more sense than half the poems I read.




veeren says...


Not sure if that means I failed at my duty, or other people are bad poets.



ladcat13 says...


I believe that the latter is true, not so the former. I quite liked your poem, it was very... Creative. And original, don't forget that one.



spinelli says...


Twas a compliment. You're wonderful. I love you.



veeren says...


Ah, well thank you kindly in that case.



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Sat Jul 13, 2013 8:24 pm
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cgirl1118 wrote a review...



I just read a complete amount of randomness. Thank you for that.

I love, love, love this! It is so funny and random! What better than a story about a bunch of things (including potatoes. Got to have the potatoes).

There are no mistakes, so that's awesome!

I don't have much to review so, remember to always be random!!!




veeren says...


You mean pototoes ;)
Glad you liked it.



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Wonder says...



Congrats. You have reached the epitome of randomness, or at least the most I have seen in my short lifespan. x3




veeren says...


I never expected such an honor :D



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Sat Jul 13, 2013 11:48 am
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Skydreamer wrote a review...



Hey, dreamy here for the review!

I go from stanza to stanza.

First Stanza

I would've never fell asleep,


For that line I would suggest you tweak it to this: "I would've never fallen asleep," reading it over and over again I felt it worked best with this flow. Also, I don't believe you would have never fallen asleep, in fact I think you would have slept right after.

I found it strange that a mule would tell a rat to go fishing, so if you could elaborate on what the mule was thinking? Perhaps it was very hungry, and didn't have food to eat? Or maybe it was all alone and didn't know what to do, so it randomly decided to ask the mouse to go fishing?

Overall though I understand you effort to be random in it, and I found it very hilarious, so great job on the stanza.

Second Stanza

I thought this stanza was substantially better than the first one, I could understand you much more and I agree with Shady about what you wrote being wonderful, because that line with the time, was very good. It made sense and had good flow.

Third Stanza

I just have one question: What are you calling potatoes?

Also, I agree with Cow about the whole aviation thing. You need to show your credentials man.

I thought it made sense that he didn't share the apple, after all you told him to do it himself, therefore, very good writing, you connected the meaning with the characters.

Fourth Stanza

This was very cute, and I can only say, that I hope the ceremony went well! Graduation is a beautiful time, and I'm glad to have been a part of it.

Overall, I am spending time breathing as well, and I must say it was time well breathed. Good job and keep writing! *claps*

--Dream on and on and on




veeren says...


Where would I be without you dreamy.





Let's hope at least putting question marks on questions! ;)





haha you have 37 likes.



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Sat Jul 13, 2013 6:39 am
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CowLogic says...



While drinking my tenth cup of coffee and smoking my fourth pack of cigarettes of the day, I stumbled upon this piece trying to locate one of those illustrious conspiracy theory websites. Needless to say, I was astounded at how dreadful this poem is. I mean, a mouse, eating apples? What mentally secure rodentia would stoop to such a level. We might as well call him L. Mouse Capone. As for the mention of the cow, you have to ask the essential question of how much corporate agriculture has tainted the minds of out society. The "horse" is obviously a metaphor for the wealthy ranch moguls who persecute the poor cow, however, this particular metaphor is quite pointless, seeing that horses are quite sklled in the mating process.

I would also like to see your pilot credentials, because anyone knows that a good aviationist would have already been prepping the airborne vehicle for takeoff and therefore the mouse was merely trying to be inclusive. Pilot supremacy to mice is a whole other story.

Overall, I give the poem a 127 out of 10, but I think even THAT's generous.




CowLogic says...


I posted this twice as a symbol of my utter disgust.



indieeloise says...


smooth ^^



veeren says...


Guess you can't please everyone.



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Sat Jul 13, 2013 6:38 am
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CowLogic says...



While drinking my tenth cup of coffee and smoking my fourth pack of cigarettes of the day, I stumbled upon this piece trying to locate one of those illustrious conspiracy theory websites. Needless to say, I was astounded at how dreadful this poem is. I mean, a mouse, eating apples? What mentally secure rodentia would stoop to such a level. We might as well call him L. Mouse Capone. As for the mention of the cow, you have to ask the essential question of how much corporate agriculture has tainted the minds of out society. The "horse" is obviously a metaphor for the wealthy ranch moguls who persecute the poor cow, however, this particular metaphor is quite pointless, seeing that horses are quite sklled in the mating process.

I would also like to see your pilot credentials, because anyone knows that a good aviationist would have already been prepping the airborne vehicle for takeoff and therefore the mouse was merely trying to be inclusive. Pilot supremacy to mice is a whole other story.

Overall, I give the poem a 127 out of 10, but I think even THAT's generous.




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Sat Jul 13, 2013 1:57 am
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Paige says...



I love you Veer, but you've sort of baffled me. Lovely piece. Sort of confusing, though.
But good, nonetheless.




veeren says...


Thanks you my dear~
If you're confused then you've gotten the whole point of the poem.



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ShadowVyper wrote a review...



This is brilliant. Truly brilliant, Veersies.

This is my favorite bit, I think.

Give me two minutes and I'm sure this'll be worth your time.
Unless you don't have two minutes, in which case,
You don't deserve my time.


It's so simple. So snarky. So wonderful. <3
~
Not sure I really understand the third paragraph. Who is this last mouse? The Dormouse? Is it your Inner Lordie, bitter, trying to exert some mythological power over him? It seems like it could be. Your Inner Lordie was surprised and everything when the Dormouse blatantly ignored your orders and did what did what he wanted, even though that's what he always does. Free-spirit.
~

Now that you brought the Mouse into the picture, I have to wonder. Is this yours and Black's wedding? Or Lordie and Reggy's? Or is it even a wedding at all? Perhaps it was just a party, about being alive and well, thanks to Thorn. Because Lordie got lucky that it was the Elder Sister that made a strike? Because Lordie would be screwed might not be so lucky, if it was the younger that tried to kill him?

So much to ponder...

I thank you for giving us this intellectual gem.

~Shady 8)




Blackwood says...


It was obviously our wedding since he wrote it at my request <3



veeren says...


Leave it to you to bring WR into this ;)



ShadowVyper says...


xD Of course. I miss it so.



ShadowVyper says...


So I can't find the picture of the Dormouse that I drew for WR. Pretty sure it's on Photobucket but I'm locked out of my account, so I decided to Google "Dormouse Shady Vyp" and it brought me straight here xD



veeren says...


AS IT VERY WELL SHOULD EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET SHOULD JUST LINK STRAIGHT HERE



ShadowVyper says...


YOU GOT THIS NONSENSE FEATURED *TWICE* YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY OKAY? (You should also get your profile in for WR so we can start >:| )



veeren says...


there are plenty of things i shooould be doing you see but its quite hard to prioritize on what i willllll do



ShadowVyper says...


Don't make me go all crazy white chick on you :P I wanna do this SB start up and I'm not going to have time for it if we don't get it going before my uni starts back up. *nags*



veeren says...


NAG ME MORE I NEED MOTIVATION



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Sat Jul 13, 2013 1:12 am
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Blackwood wrote a review...



First of all, this part below was awesome.

Had Black not told me to write this, I would've never fell asleep,
The horse never would've bit the cow,
and the mule would've never told the rat to go fishing.

Give me two minutes and I'm sure this'll be worth your time.
Unless you don't have two minutes, in which case,
You don't deserve my time. The time that I spent writing this,
is time spent breathing, and had I not breathed while writing this,
I'd probably still not have died yet.

So then there were three potatoes, of course I call them pototoes, don't ask why,
and the last mouse told me to grab them. But of course
me being a pilot and all,
told him to do it himself.
So you know what he did? He took the apple and ate it.
Didn't even bother sharing.

And so last night we completed the ceremony, flowers and all.
Left the coats to hang, and walked out the house into a place we called,
outside.

Fin.



I particularly like the line where you said
and had I not breathed while writing this,
I'd probably still not have died yet.

This metaphor captures exactly how little time you spent writing this and describes it to the reader in a poetic way.

Unfortunately there are some downsides to this poem. This includes use of capital letters in which you sometimes put capitals after commas and sometimes you don't. Be consistent.

Also, you should have mentioned me more often, It would have made the poem even more interesting than it already is.

Fin.




veeren says...


<3





This is hilarious. I was so confused and I was laughing so hard. I love it. Your poems make me smile. Keep it up!


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says...


This is hilarious. I was so confused and I was laughing so hard. I love it. Your poems make me smile. Keep it up!




You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.
— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time