Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression

Well looks like we're dealing with a bit of a missing person situation. I can't quite remember what it was that happened but I have a feeling Jude was one of the people who got kidnapped by the Vampire Spy League.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

Hours had gone by since Marcus had come home but Jude…Jude still wasn’t around, and the sky was growing dark.

Marcus got up from his bed and started typing on his computer, heart beating fast as he made the flyers. It wasn’t like Jude to take so long to get home, he arrived before Marcus, and at the time of day it was, school had ended.

“Marcus, get back to bed. It’s late.” Mom said, creaking the door open.

Marcus turned to look at her, trying his best to keep down his frustration.

“Jude hasn’t come home at all. I’m making missing person posters. I’ll get back to bed when I make these posters.” Marcus said.

“Missing? Missing? He’s probably out with friends, no need to go to the extreme.” Mom said.

“He doesn’t have any friends.” Marcus pointed out.

“Just get back to bed.” Mom said tiredly. She walked away, back upstairs to her room.

But he wasn’t going to sleep. He couldn’t go to sleep, not with his brother missing.

He had to print the posters out. Tack them all over town. Who cared what their parents thought?

Word needed to get out about Jude.

Hi vampricone. Happy Review Month! Valkyria here leaving a review for your lovely work. Let's get into it:

Looking at your previous work and the length of this one, I'm guessing that this story is part of a bigger universe. Now, I haven't read "The Birth of Marcus and Jude", so all of my thoughts are pertaining to this story only.

I think it does a good job of setting up the plot. I assume Marcus is Jude's brother, and he is very worried that Jude didn't come home. His mother tells him not to worry, but Marcus ignores this and starts making missing person posters.

Right away, I can immediately grasp the characterization. Marcus is protective and worried. His mother is not as caring or concerned, seeing how she brushes his concerns off.

I didn't notice this from reading one of your other stories, but there is incorrect punctuation with the dialogue that is very consistent in this story as well. If a dialogue tag like "said" follows dialogue, there is a comma, not a period.

For example:
[quote]“Marcus, get back to bed. It’s late,” Mom said, creaking the door open.[/quote.]

Notice how I changed the punctuation from a period to a comma. That is the correct punctuation. A period should only be allowed if an action follows the dialogue.

Overall, this is an intriguing set up. I'm curious to see what happens next! Well done!

Valkyria

Nice story written by the author.

I don't read many stories, usually its me reading poems, but the title of this story, the question this title carries caught my eye. So I jumped in to read this story (I have not read the other parts so my review will be based on this story only).

First things first: As I can understand after reading this story, there is a boy named Jude who is not back home, and his brother, Marcus is worried about his brother because usually Jude gets back home even before his brother Marcus. Marcus is still trying to spread awareness about this topic but no one is listening to him. Well done, I liked your story plot.

Second things second: The story could be a little more longer, it is much more shorter than I expected, though that's just my suggestion. It could have been a little more explained and could contain more detailed information about "how worry was eating up his mind" or "why he was not able to digest the fact that Jude, his brother could have been with his friends", these small detailed information/questions would make the story more interesting. But again this is just my suggestion.

Third things third: I really liked how you left the readers on a few interesting questions, making the readers think- "How will Jude come back", "Will he return or not", "Why did he not come back, is he okay".

Well done writer.
Keep it up.
Waiting for more.
Thank you

Hello hello I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I will once again apologize that I might get something wrong as I don't think I've read much of this story. With that being said I am excited to see what you have to offer today. Let's get into it, shall we?

Overall I found this a heartwarming update, as odd as this sounds. There a clear for Jude from Marcus I want to say a brotherly one but I could be wrong. I am always surprised by how well siblings are portrayed in your works. You add the realistic taunting and teasing without going for the classic always fighting stereotype.

Furthermore, I can't find myself to be fully comforted by this sweet dynamic as I know your work. I wonder what grizzly fate Jude has met and how worried I should be for him. Marcus does have the right idea with the posters as the first twenty-four hours are the most important when someone goes missing. Something tells me that posters won't be enough this time.

Now I want to move on to feedback, I promise this very light stuff. As always I am not a professional nor do you have to use anything I say. You are the author after all!

Marcus was home, but Jude…Jude still wasn’t around, and the sky was growing dark.

Hours had gone by since Marcus had come home but Jude…Jude still wasn’t around, and the sky was growing dark.

“Missing? Missing? He’s probably out with friends, no need to get to the extreme.” Mom said.

“Missing? Missing? He’s probably out with friends, no need to go to the extreme.” Mom said.