Frost Lark News 8/28/16

Frost Lark News                                                                                                                       8/28/16

A man has been reported throughout the town. If you see this man, say nothing. Or he will find you. But how do you know if you have seen this man? There are a few simple steps to identify him:

Is he a man? If so, then you may be looking at The Man. Urgently read step two.

Does he have a face similar to your late great-grandmother? Then it could be The Man.

Does he have a very noticeable Scottish accent? Then do not worry. The Man has a Russian accent.

If he has a Russian Accent, then it is probably The Man.

If you have seen The Man, then tell your family you love them. Grab a couple of pieces of pie and switch the television channel to your favorite show. Best to be happy in your last days.

We at the Newspaper Printing Facility would like to remind you of what to do when you have finished reading a print. Please stack the newspaper on top of a Siamese cat. If you do not have access to a Siamese Cat, a gosling with a yellow left foot should do. Now take this (insert choice animal here) and bring it your local dump. Look at the dump. If you see a man with your late great-grandmother’s face there, run. If not, admire the dump. You will probably never need to look at it again. Then take the (insert choice animal here) and bring it home. Remove the print and fold it. Do not fold it like a hamburger. You can’t fold hamburgers anyway. Fool. Once you have folded it in an unspecified way, throw it out your bathroom window. By the next morning, the demons hiding in your closet should have devoured it and claimed your soul as payment for doing the labor.

We regret to inform you that Elderly Mister Finch was killed in an unsolved arson case this morning. The government says not to think anything of it. In fact, they tell me that I should not even be writing about it. But if I didn’t write about, then how would you find out? Don’t blame the government. They’re just doing their job- keeping the citizens they govern in the dark about everything other than what they plan to do with the baseball field in the Frost Lark Park.

Health Tips

Korean individuals have been proven to live longer on average than any other heritage. So if you want to live longer, then just become Korean!

Now for a survey:

What is your favorite color? Circle one of the following:

Blue

Yellow

The Empty Blackness of the Void

Moldy Bread

I Don’t Acknowledge the Existence of Color

On September 23rd, The Art Center of Frost Lark will put on a production of Annie. If you wish to audition, you are wrong. You do not want to audition. You have been warned. If you still want to audition, report to The Art Center of Frost Lark Lobby tomorrow, August 29th, at precisely 9:04 A.M. wearing a beret. People with the ability to whistle while balancing a glass of water on their head are encouraged to try out. Anyone who survives the vigorous auditioning process will have the privilege to perform in Annie, before being locked in a room floating in the void for the rest of their existence.

More on The Man. He has collected twenty seven men and women and is holding them in a well hidden pit located somewhere in Frost Lark. After combing over the entire town, we have found nothing. If you know anything at all, then we encourage you to report it immediately to a well-hidden organization, that which we do not know the name of.

ADVERTISEMENT SPACE
Space is empty. There is a star or two. Or thirty million, but it’s basically empty. All government approved books say this. But we want to go past the emptiness and reach what hasn’t been reached yet! And so we plan to do what no one has done before. We will make a triple double quintuplet quarter pounder. McDonalds. I’m lovin’ it!

ADVERTISEMENT SPACE

Alcohol makes you do bad things. Alcohol is the enemy. Hate alcohol. You can only hate one thing, and that is alcohol. Do not hate anything else, like, say, the government. Hate alcohol.

-Walmart

A new science program is to be held in town hall. Signups are in the library. Your child will learn all about physics and biology. Of course, this knowledge is useless because citizens of Frost Lark do not believe in science. But it will be a good experience for your child. The extracurricular event will include- a short lesson on plant cell matter, study on the reason why gravity only partially affects our town and what gravity is like in the rest of the world, and the customary twelve second hand washing routine.

One man has been seen attempting to fight The Man. He held a shining katana and challenged The Man to duel. The challenger holding the katana, Alan Sherwick, is notorious around town for is obsession with the Japanese culture. He shouted at The Man “I challenge you to a duel on the samurai word!” No one wanted to explain that samurais don’t have an oath keeping system known as the samurai word and that he meant ninja. The Man was clearly intimidated, because he let out a series of beeps similar to the sound system used to orally characterize Morse Code on a majority of 20th century steam ships, before vanishing in a misty puff of smoke. The Man has still not released his hostages, and it is unclear if he ever intends to.

A young child, not older than ten, has vandalized he printing factory and placed their sloppy

SHyaNNe TennErVA

signature halfway down on every newspaper. She was immediately seized by the Frost Lark police force and put in a correctional facility for the next twenty eight years of her life. Remember that this is the punishment for minor crimes, like:
Bank Robberies

Arson

Second Class Murder

Genocide

Disorderly Conduct

If you commit a major offense, expect a more severe punishment, like selling your soul to devil so that you suffer in the fiery pits of hell for eternity. Unless you aren’t Christian.