Frost Lark News 6/4/17
By Skyla Holt
“Mayor Dead”
A 1:13 P.M. on Wednesday, May 31st,
Mayor Orlando Clayton was reported dead. He was killed by a confused
Bivoclar Lizard semi-blinded from overexposure to sunlight, because
Bivoclar Lizards are nocturnal. As a result of this murder, the
Bivoclar Lizards are no longer eligible for mayorship, and the town's
Unknown Service of Defenses crawled on all 24 legs of their combined
body, right out of the stone prison they reside in. With a single
breath that reverberated immensely, the Bivoclar Lizards fell dead.
Then, the Unknown Service of Defenses returned to their sealed
chamber, letting most of the town forget about them, regaining their
status of “unknown”.
“Birds”
In this time of great tragedy, we would
like to remind children of the danger of birds. Birds are small,
flying sacks of meat that have pointed faces, and if you so much as
look at them the wrong way, their actions may be unpredictable. Most
birds have propellers on the sides of their feathery bodies, and
should one assault you, those propellers should be your targets. A
bird without propellers is basically just a chipmunk, and we all know
the trick to killing chipmunks. If you aren't aware of this trick,
say nothing. Or else they will find you.
“Legos”
Legos have been declared illegal as of
this past Monday. We all remember the mind-numbing hours of fun these
blocks provided. Think, do you really remember playing with these
things? No, you have no memory. This is because a special material in
the plastic has been attributed to memory loss when ingested through
the nose, and even Lego wasn't aware. Head of Productions Ann Hart
said “We never meant to forever strip children of their childhood
memories. It was just an accident, okay? Why don't we forget about
it? Move on. Smell this lego.” No further questions were asked. You
know, I don't even remember the topic of this article. Well then,
nevermind.
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┻━┻
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“Mayor Dead” (continued)
Co-Mayor Reeds has temporarily taken
position as Mayor, but with the Bivoclar Lizards gone, the council
has begun working out how replacement roles should be assigned, and
if a democracy should even still be used. Some believe a monarchy
would work better, and it is seriously being considered. I'm sure
once they realize that would make them irrelevant, they will change
their opinion. In the meantime, Erick Harvey is being evaluated as a
possible replacement for co-Mayor, since he has experience. However,
since his mother is still very ill, this does not seem likely. Sadly,
I am unable to get more information, because I am being locked out of
the council meetings, despite my role in council. I shall update next
week.
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