In my secret garden,
there's a moonlit path
among the murmuring violets
and whispering peonies.
Beneath the starlit sky,
te cobblestones shine silver,
winding underneat the willows.
A small stream shadows it,
the water dark,
save for the reflections,
constantly warped by movement.
The cattails swish softly,
rustled by a gentle breeze.
I turn to face into it,
letting strands of my hair
slip free of their braid.
I take a step forward
onto the glimmering path,
and follow it slowly.
My skirt sighs softly over the stones,
seeming to shush the crickets.
As I pass by the stream,
I see my reflection,
shining in the night,
but still overshadowed by the moon,
and all the night sky's glory.
I continue deeper into the garden;
the trees are clustered closer together,
beginning to block the light.
Still I continue onward.
I brush tree branches from my head,
try and avoid the twigs
snagging my skirt.
The trees are thicker,
and the stream less visible.
Suddenly, the moon vanishes.
It moves behind a cloud's cover,
and its shining smile is gone.
Everything is dark now.
My steps begin to falter,
and I stumble.
The stone path is rough and bumpy,
but I can see a bit of light
beginning to glow just up ahead,
so I push onwards.
As I sweep aside
the final pine bough,
the moon reappears,
released from the dark cloud.
It pours forth its light again,
illuminating a beautiful fountain.
The white marble appears to shine
with an inner light,
with the moon only adding to it.
Perched high above
is an angel in flight,
his wings spreading to cover
the entirety of the enormous fountain.
The scene is absolutely glorious.
The moonlit path ends here.
Sitting on the edge of the fountain,
covered by the angel's wings,
I marvel at the wondrous beauty
and feel completely at peace.
I like this. I clicked it, preparing to be the bitter an crotchety, and it got me. Very immerse piece. Minor typos are in bold.
I am torn with this line. The book "the Secret Garden", the allusion is kind of there, and I am not sure if you need to spell the setting out in the first line. Let the readers' surroundings melt aroumd them, draw them in, the magic is already there.
Likewise, you could turn these lines upside-down."Among the murmuring violets/and whispering ponies/ there's a moonlit path", so it's like you are pulled through it rather than stating, elaborating. Murmuring/whispering is lovely though
Don't get me wrong, I love aliteration, I want to marry it and bear it's bouncing babies. Buuut, "starlight sky" I would lose. Hear me out! With this subject it is very nearly impossible to not aound twee or saccharine, and this poem is not those things, like I said, it is magical, but that is a delicate thing, any refined sugar and it will sink."starlight sky" is a little bit too cliche, and there are hundreds of other ways to describe it. That is just my opinion.
Winding/willows soooort of feels like you wrote it just for the aliteration, however 1) aliteration is fun, an2) I love the image, so I do not care.
I like the long hushing effect of the 's's throughout. In these four lines, I did have to reread to get a feel for the focus, they are quite busy images, each one elegant, so you could thin it out if you wanted, cit the sentense in too, but then the 's' thing goes with the longer running sentenses. Don't mind me, I'm just having an argument with myself over here.
Likewise 'gentle breeze', slightly overused descriptor, but edit with a ight touch. The hair is a nice detail.
There is some contrast already here, the shift from 's's to 't's, which is harfer and more percussive, harder verbs, "shoved", "snagged", I like the contrast, I like that is quite subdued too, there is a lot going on behind the scenes, which is excellent, you have the effect but not the visable effort, so that is exactly right. I would rephrase "the stream less visable", and simplify "Shall I continue onwards", they are kind of detatched. Think Robert Frost for that. 'continued' is one of my least favourite words, it doesn't do anything, particularly when you are so masterful with your other verbs.
This is the least developed stanza, think about the narrative progression, this is your climax, work from the contast of the second stanza, but more so. This is the tip of the sword, make us feel it, use the laguage, use the images, maybe bring in scent, make it more physical. How is your body reacting?
Last stanza could be shorter or could recapitulate the feeling of the first stanza, but building on it. I think the image is really clear in your head, but part of it is being lost in translation, so you ate resorting to telling: "the scene is absolutely glorious." rather than showing. Resolve it, sink back into the 's's maybe, what creates the feeling of peace, recreate that, the sound, the scent, the taste.
Sorry to be so nitpicky, I do actually love this, these are just little things to play with. Good work, can't wait to read more.