This is one of the first creepy/dark poems I have written, so I am not sure how it turned out. This actually was kind of based off a line from The Name of the Wind. Please, any and all comments are welcome!
He roams the Earth,
devoid of all expression.
He steals the breath from men,
letting their blood drip to the ground.
Human strength brought to bear
is not enough to stop him.
The sword that pierces his skin
and grinds against his bones
has no effect on him.
He simply strikes the holder down
and moves on to the next victim,
searching with his blank, soulless eyes.
Armies with the finest weapons
of tempered steel
are not enough to faze him.
No one is safe
while this demon exists.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,691 Literary Works • 672,653 Reviews
FIrst off, I'd like to say that I enjoyed reading this poem. It seemed like a well description of a demon and how its existence brings destruction and death to the earth. However, there was something that stood out to me:
You see, the beginning seemed pretty intense. I could sense the strength within these lines. But then, I read the following line right after it:
For some reason, I felt like that level of intensity was dropped down. I can't really suggest anything to help change this to try and make that level even. I guess you could say, "Human strength brought to bear is no match towards such craft he holds". I don't know, that's just something off the top of my head. But, just something to try and level it out.
Also:
I think the way that these lines were spaced from each other was a bit off. To me, it kind of took away from the flow of the poem. I think if it was as shown here:
"Armies with the finest
Weapons of tempered steel
Are not enough to faze him.
No one is safe while this demon exists."
That's what I personally prefer. But if you did it that way to try and emphasize the harm that the demon brings to humans, then I think it's fine to leave it the way that you had it.
I'll start out by saying that I loved the poem. But as other s have said, I would consider this more dark than creepy, persay. The only spelling mistake I noticed was right... Here:
I believe 'faze' should be phase. All in all, good poem, with nice imagary, and good enough to be considered very good even considering the somewhat short length of it.
Wow.... well done. I must say that you captured the whole point of demons very well... I really like the free verse style that you use in this and how you captured the lack of life and feeling that I am sure demons have. I guess I have a word change or two to recommend:
"grinds his bones" I would change to "crushes" or some similar word. Swords do a lot of damage to this effect.
I wouldn't mind seeing "hunting" instead of "searching". It seems like a more aggressive and daunting word.
And finally, the last word. "Exists." This word is true, but it is kind of passive. I would try to find a word that is more of an action word or phrase for that last one, but I can't really think of anything but "roams free."
Other from the previously stated comments, very well writ, Mello!
Heeey!
I like the story you're trying to tell but as mentioned by others it doesn't really manage to keep the reader hooked. As it is it's just one of those poem you read through, didn't hate but didn't love either. I'm not sure what could be improved though, you use descriptive words... but try "show" rather than "tell" if you know what I mean. Overall this was okay, but it could be so much better!
You wrote a poem about my dear ally the Demon! Tzz, neeh!
I really liked the idea of this piece though, it's dark for sure but not in a horrid way so I wouldn't call it creepy
I will give it 3/5 icky, sticky spiders for now x)
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Hey,
Your right the poem is kinda dark but not in a bad way it was interresting to read. Also the demon you described sounded like a combination of a bunch of supernatural beings and some characters from comic books or something like that. I love the intesity of the poem. Also I didn't see any mistakes that stood out, well none at all really. But i have to say even thougth this was a short poem it was really descriptive about his eyes and how he "gets rid off" poeple. All in all very good. Hope you write more poems soon. =)
This was pretty good, but I just got the feeling that something was lacking here. It was solid start to finish, but I just didn't feel anything from it particularly. I felt like rather than just describe the demon there could've been more done to really make it even more effective. As-is, I just find it somewhat typical.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Hello there, Mellophone. I'm Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poem today.
Wow. That is dark. Not creepy, per say. I've seen creepy. This isn't it. It's just a little dark. Anyhow, I really, really like this. The flow was pretty good for this poem. It was slightly fractured, but I like that. Perfection is a little over rated, wouldn't you say? Anyhow, back to the poem. The imagery was pretty amazing. I felt like I could actually see this demon walking the Earth, leaving death and destruction in his wake. Brilliant, Mello. Brilliant.
On a side note, I have no nitpicks. Can you believe that? None. I can only suggest to watch where you cut off the lines. It might feel a little awkward. Some people tend to pause for a second while reading when they see a sentence cut in half by you hitting the enter button.
Anyhow. This is a brilliant and slightly dark poem. And I like it. *clicks like* I hope this helped, even a little. And thank you very much for the wonderful and brilliantly dark poetry. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!
~Scar.