I am caught in the middle
of an uncontrollable storm.
Only you can calm it.
I am forever lost,
constantly trying to find my way.
Only you can lead me.
I am always stumbling,
unable to find my footing.
Only you can steady me.
I am trapped in the dark,
the sun banned from my sight.
Only you can provide light.
I am surrounded by my fears,
incapable of running away.
Only you can banish them.
Only you can do these things
and more.
Only you.
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139,429 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
Hey Mell, I'm Forti(:
This poem is very good. It flows real well and the feel is nice. But, like you said it needs a little help. First:
This is the only spelling/grammar error that I see. If you meant to put the first letter, of the first word in the middle of the stanzas, then that's okay. If you didn't, I suggest you change it. Personally, I would do all lower or all uppercase, but that's just me. This poem captures the attention of the reader. My favorites poems, am I'm sure most will agree, are the one's that pull you in and make you want to read more. This is definitely one of those, like a really good book!
For the last stanza, I suggest:
Only you can do these things
and more,
I love you.
...or something.
Keep writing, I can't wait to hear more from you! If you need anything else reviewed, please let me know!
~Fort1(:
I don't see anything wrong with it except it's mushily romantic, but hey, you gotta write what you gotta write. Smiley face!
I just put this as a quote on here, as to find mistakes. I couldn't find any. Well done.
Last stanza could run like so:
"Only you can do these things
Only you can rescue me.
Only ever you."
Just an idea.
This is about God right?? I'm just wondering! Never did you mention it, but, that's my assumption.I might be wrong though. lol.
Only You. I might make You capitalized, only if you are, in fact, referring to God.K, time for nitpicks:
VERY good job! I'm so proud of you. You have definitely improved in your writing capabilities and potential. Great job!
I really like this poem. One thing that I noticed, though:
Was this meant to be a rhyme? It just seems inconsistent to me. Maybe try to reword the sentence so it doesn't rhyme. I would do something like change "sight" to "eyes" and change "provide light" to "ignite them." Otherwise, it's very good.
I like the consistency, but it is kind of rigid, maybe add some twists and turns, and maybe seek out some different language, that could definitely make this more impactful without completely changing the meaning you know?
Maybe instead of
"I am forever lost, constantly trying to find my way..."
maybe something like, "i have always been lost, and will never find my way.."
just slight things like that.
In the end, I like the idea of the whole thing, but like you said, it does need some help, maybe make the addressee a bigger part of the poem...
and for the last stanza, it does seem like you just scribbled down something that goes with the rest of the poem, WHY CAN THIS PERSON ONLY BE THE ONE WHO CAN DO THESE THINGS-
you can make this longer.
Great idea, powerful idea, honest, but it does need some work.
Keep on it!