My eyelids drop-
so does my stomach.
It churns with anxiety,
and
I’m choking on my own
words.
My mind is telling me
to
stay.
My heart is telling me
to
hide.
My body is telling me
to
run.
God is telling me I am
a fool,
if there is such a
thing as
Him.
Some days he hears me
loud and clear.
Others, my voice must
be
so muffled and broken,
it gets lost in the
wind
floating into this
dense
cloud of hopelessness.
Unless maybe,
He just doesn’t hear
me.
My cries for help.
My heavy heart.
My breaking bones.
My vice of a mind.
Maybe He’d rather not
get tangled up in this
web.
My hands are shouting
that they
throb.
My mind is saying that
it’s
done.
My body is crying to
just
surrender.
God is telling me I am
a fool,
if there is such a
thing as
Him.
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Hello! I'm here to review your poem on this lovely review day!
I understand the feeling that you're trying to convey through this poem. The emotion really comes through the stark language that you use.
That being said, there are a few things that you could change that would make this better.
The first thing that jumped out at me was the format. Is there a reason for the bullet points before the first two stanzas? Also, the space between the stanzas, while it isn't really that big of a deal, was kind of distracting to me.
On the format side of things, but more venturing into form, the one word lines after the quasi-repetitive lines isn't really doing it for me. While one word lines can occasionally have more impact than their multi word line cousins, when you use it this much in one poem, it becomes repetitive, and not in a good way.
Speaking of repetition, while it is a device that is sometimes used to great effect in poetry, it's not working here. The problem is that it's all very abstract, and the repetition just beats a dead horse. It's hard not to be abstract in a poem about faith, but there are ways to do it.
Try fleshing this out with some more metaphor or description. The first and third stanzas have good imagery that use the senses, but give us a sense of something around the narrator, rather than just within the narrator. We have wind. That's a start. But it is metaphorical wind right now, and you should try to make it more physical so that the reader can see what's going on. What does a dense cloud of hopelessness look like? I can't see hopelessness, so show the reader what it looks like. Is it purple? Or is it more of a smog? Another thing you can do is use all five of your senses. You use sight, hearing, and a bit of touch. How can you incorporate scent and taste to lend body to your poem?
The repetition that does work in the poem is the repetition of the four really solid lines that are the soul of the poem.
In my opinion, you should change those four lines to three by tacking "a fool" onto the end of the preceding line. It would create a better flow. That goes for most of the other phrases that you break up in the poem, like There's potential for great music in this poem, but I think that you're missing it a bit by breaking it up this way.
Altogether, I enjoyed reading and reviewing this. I hope that you find your way in the labyrinth that is religion. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Keep writing, and happy review day!
Thank you for the review and I will keep your opinion in mind! I was wondering if my stand-alone-line pattern was too much. The spacing between the stanzas was a YWS format issue. Typically my stanzas don't separate at all, but this time they spaced themselves out too much. Also, I don't see the bullet points...maybe it uploaded strange on the website? I didn't include any bullet points...
Anywho, thanks again for the review!
Hey there, first off, this was a really good poem. It just felt so heartfelt and so beautiful. I'm not the religious type, but this was interesting. There was a sort of rhythm to it and I liked it even if it was more free verse. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this and I liked it. The formatting was a bit iffy for me but that's it. Overall, really good job. This is a concept that affects a lot of people, a lot of people question there religion and themselves in general. I'm glad you wrote it and I'm glad that I got to read this wonderful poem.
Keep on writing.
Thanks for the review!
hey mate!
So this poem gives a lot of hint about broken relationship and i don't know why, atheism?!
Anyways, to begin with the review this poem has a melancholic effect.
Now, there is a lot of pain, emotion and a sense of helplessness in this poem( this is what i feel!)
Moving on, the poem is good but not clear.(you can make it a bit more precise)
I don't know if you have put your feelings in this poem, but if yes, then you did it well!
this poem is basically tragic, and the biggest tragedy is that the reader isn't exactly able to get what you want to convey.
Overall suggestion: I know poems are feelings poured into words, but only those poems turn out good where the feelings are "precisely" turned into words.
Looking forward to more works from you..
Thanks for the review! I'm not Atheist by the way, but I do question if God (or whoever is up there) sees everything. I was certainly in a mood when I wrote this poem, so I will look over it again!