Bare feet
cold toes
where she hides
no one knows
tuck you hair
behind pale ears
to only live
in a place of fear
where birds won't sing
and the sun won't rise
they flap their wings
but without the light
they cannot see
they crash and burn
the flames, they lick
upon the fur
of tiny doe
that blur right past
the fire crackles
ignites a path
that chases down
my ripped raw throat
my lifeless fingers
that take these notes
tap against
the fractured glass
let's make these hours
only last.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
I like this poem very much. It is obvious to me that you have talent, but being new to writing and this site I have no idea what it is about. Could you tell me what it is about? However the rhythm of the poem was great, and it came together very well. I think I might review some of your other work as well. All in all, a great poem. Thank you for sharing!
Really nice poem! The rhythm was really great and I loved the power that each word in the poem had!
Hello, hello! RagingLive here to review your poem!! You are still fairly new to the site, so I'm going to start by saying welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy the all of the fellow writers' company and the wealth of knowledge among us!
First off, I absolutely loved this poem and I will try and make sure that I give a worthy review that will not only help you, but that others, even me, can benefit from as well.
I will probably take it line-by-line except for those that are just right the way that they are, so my suggestive words will be in bold. And we're off!!
The title was what originally drew me in and then the fact that you started the poem off strong with rhythm and rhyme flowing almost effortlessly. I want to warn you, though, that it does get hard to read because there are not sectioned off phrases or paragraphs to go by. This can make it hard to decipher certain parts later on. Since you're going by an A/B A/B rhythm I suggest breaking them up with a few dashes every four sentences to aide the reader's comprehension. If you have a question about this let me know!
Here you broke you A/B A/B pattern and it really confused me. maybe you could strike the last, fifth phrase and do something like this:
"Where birds won't sing / and the sun won't rise / they flap their wings / but they have no sight"
Sound doable for your poem? It's up to you!
I liked these lines the best for some reason, but it kind of confused at how you started talking of a girl - third person, I mean - and by the end you're in first. Is this intentional as if you were writing about a girl? If so, you might want to try and find a way to clarify this for others.
You kind of need two more syllables to keep the pattern here, maybe try replacing 'last with 'forever.'
I really loved your poem and I think you will fit in great around here! If you have any questions or just want to chat, feel free to PM me!
I can't wait to see more of your works in the future, so keep writing and keep on smiling!
~RaginLive
Wow, I really like this poem. You really nail the rhyming and the descriptions! I feel as though the rhythm of the poem I feel like could be sing-songy or quite grave, just me personally. The imagery in this poem is great, and there is just something that I can't explain that I really like, but I like it, so great job! Keep on writing!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Hiya there!
Gravity here to give you a review on your poem. I want to give you a warning. I review poems an stories pretty harshly depending on what I see wrong with them. The following review is to be taken merely as a suggestion to help you learn and grow as a writer. If you don't agree with me, that's perfectly fine. You know your work much better than I do, but I'm here to give you the reader's perspective, so pretty please don't take that personally.
Onward with the review!
So as far as the concept of your poem goes, it's nothing new. There are many people who feel despair and depression and in your description you weren't very specific about the meaning of your poem which is fine, just pointing that out. But because this particular subject has been done over and over again, it can begin to feel impersonal unless you add a unique twist. And I feel like I've read and seen this before. Again, that's nothing personal to you, there were definitely some very good lines and descriptions in here, and you probably did not write this poem for others, you wrote it to express yourself.
Let's talk about your structure. You didn't have stanzas. Don't get confused by this, a stanza does not necessarily need to be separated clearly by a space or line, it's separated by an idea. So the structure of your poem resembles a run on sentence. Also, there are little spelling mistakes and words left out that I think you could fix if you went back and looked. Also with structure, your rhyme scheme is very inconsistent. I find that you sometimes disrupt the rhythm just to rhyme which I didn't like.
The line "in a place of fear" just seems very jolting. You had a great smooth rhythm but it was disrupted.
At the end the last few lines are "let's make these hours/only last." Which I didn't like because 1. the sentence makes no sense 2. it was another place in which you tried too hard to rhyme and 3. the rhythm was disrupted once more.
Okay, now that the nasty, negative parts of the review are over, let me talk about some of the positive things.
I really loved the imagery in your poem. The metaphors you put in here were phenomenal. When you start talking about the burning bird, that's really when it started getting interesting for me. It's almost like you used the bird as a symbol for freedom and the doe as a symbol of innocence, like they were destroyed for you. That's sort of the vibe I'm getting right now. The way you used fire both in a literal way (burning the bird and the doe) and then metaphorically, when it goes down your throat... you described this with a finesse that I found very interesting and I was quite impressed, actually.
I think you have a really great foundation here, your imagery and descriptions. I think you need to work on your structure but that comes more with experience. You have the great first steps, imagery and description. I'm very curious to see where you go with this.
I know I can be a meanie head, I'm sorry, I promise I'm just trying to help you. Please keep writing, you have really great potential!
XOXO,
Gravity
You are NOT a "meanie head," because your review was very thoughtful and helpful! I love reviewers who tell me they see rough patches and how to smooth them out! That's the only way I will grow as a writer.
I must say, I don't typically rhyme with a majority of my poems. Rhyming can seem forces at times, but I was in the mood to post this piece. When you mention my rhyming scheme being all over the place, I am fully aware of that ha ha! That's why I posted this, so others could give me advice on how to iron things out. I'm also pretty rusty with my poetry, because I have been solely focusing on prose for a while. I'm not fond of the ending of this poem myself. Do you have any suggestions on how to go out with a bang?
Thank you so much for your review, it really helped me!