Young Writers Society

Hello! I'll start with the review first and write what I liked about it on the bottom

Open up to my heart

like a morning glory

opens up to the rising sun

blooming with a sense of


new hope and dignity.

A sense of fierceness

and the type of fearlessness

that will drive them away.

I'm not sure whether the double enter part in the middle was intentional or not, but I'll just point it out because it feels a little awkward for me. I'm also confused about the last three lines. Who is it driving away?

I’ve prodded you

to speak to me in the way

you might speak to yourself,

with words kept hidden,


tucked away inside

that head of yours,

and God only knows

what type of catastrophe


is sitting up there, simmering.

I'm constantly finding these sentences that break off. It feels really awkward to read them. I think you should just combine them. These sentences also kind of feel like a run on sentence. It doesn't end where it feels like it should end.

So, keep your emotions

under lock and key.

These two lines really confuse me. Under lock and key? Literally, or are you trying to say that the emotions are locked up? I think it would sound better to replace "under lock and key" with something like "locked with a key" or "under control", since "under lock and key" kind of sounds off to me.

If we beat around the bush anymore,

they’ll call us lawn trimmers.

I dont think I've heard of this saying before. It sounds a little weird to me.

If we keep skating across the surface,

we’re bound to break through.


I’ll be there when the ice cracks,

the frigid exterior finally crashing through.

I’ll be there when you break down,

and finally let me see you.

I really like how you used this expression. I can visualize it in my head.

You think you can run and hide,

but I’m loaded with bullets.

You think you can outrun my ammunition,

but I’m a damn far shooter, my dear.

I'm confused. Why are you suddenly talking about running and hiding? It seems a bit sudden, since this came right after talking about being "there for you".

Don’t resist your heart,

because it is only elastic.

Don’t build up the tension,

because it will only snap back.

I like how you expressed how emotions work here! It makes me think of a rubber band XD.

Alright, I think I pointed out my thought about the direct lines.

Overall, I'm kind of confused by your theme. I likes certain parts of the wording, but the theme doesn't seem to be continuous. I can't seem to see the big picture. Now, this could just be me being unperceptive, but maybe you could make it more clear for any other readers who aren't that perceptive.

Hopefully my review helped, and good luck with your future stories.

- Birdie

Hey there klennon14,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.

Line-by-Line/Nit-Picks

Open up to my heart *insert comma here*
like a morning glory
opens up to the rising sun *insert some form of punctuation -particularly hyphen or comma*
blooming with a sense of

new hope and dignity. Personally, I'm not a big fan of this line just for the fact that it's broken off from the previous stanza while still being a part of the previous stanza.
A sense of fierceness
and the type of fearlessness
that will drive them away. This sentence seems a little uncompleted. Maybe add "with" at the beginning of the second line since I'm assuming you want who ever you're addressing this poem to, to be the one to open up with fierceness and not the morning glory to do so.

I’ve prodded you
to speak to me in the way
you might speak to yourself, I would actually end the sentence/thought here if I were you.
with words kept hidden, Change this comma to a hyphen.

tucked away inside
that head of yours,
and God only knows
what type of catastrophe Personally if I were you, I would change the word 'type' to 'kind of.' I just think it would flow a lot better.

is sitting up there, simmering.
It wouldn’t be so hard*insert comma here*
if you let me see past
the [those] sugar coated scenes *insert comma here*

the ones that
you want me to see.
So, keep your emotions
under lock and key. I'm a little confused by these lines. Are you saying that the person keeps their emotions under lock and key or are you saying that you want them to keep their emotions under lock and key.

You think I can’t see
past the [that] comfortable façade. *I would change the period to a comma.
You think I can’t read
into your dragging, heavy soul. I like the image here a lot.

But, my love,
[can't] don’t you understand?
We are one and the same,
skirting around the issue. What issue?

If we beat around the bush anymore,
they’ll call us lawn trimmers. I would recommend adding this sentence to the one before it since they're kind of related and it would still make sense other wise. At the beginning of your poem you had some pretty nice an lengthy lines but now you're giving short snappy ones. For me at least, it just made the flow a little bit off.
If we keep skating across the surface,
we’re bound to break through.


[And] I’ll be there when the ice cracks,
the frigid exterior finally crashing through. Change the word 'through' here. You just used it two lines prior so it feels a bit repetitive.
I’ll be there when you break down, *Take away this comma*
and finally let me see [the real] you.


You think you can run and hide,
but I’m loaded with bullets. Again, this is another nice image, but it's also very simple and quite frankly not enough in my opinion.
You think you can outrun my ammunition,
but I’m a damn far shooter, my dear. I'm not liking the repetition of your lines -particularly the repetition of the beginning of your lines.

I’m not trying to take you down,
I’m[but] trying to build you up.
[Not] trying to tear down walls,
I’m [just trying to] reconstructing our castle. Here is a stanza with a good example of repetition that could be left off. If I were you, I would at lease take away the "I'm(s)" from the second and fourth lines of the stanza. So, I'm going to do that for you...

Let me be the center of the rubble,
bricks upon bricks crashing down on me.
Let me support the weight of your fall,
instead of the dust coating your sheer skin. What about the dust? Are you saying that the speaker of the poems feels like the dust or what? I think you may be missing a word here. Also, again with the short snap sentences, I feel like there should be a bit more then what there is. I mean, it's good, what you have but like I said I want more.

Don’t resist your heart,
because it is only elastic.
[And] don’t build up the tension,
because it will only snap back. Kind of a cliché stanza, kind of not. Only suggestion would be to work on the wording a bit.

I want to be your one-in-the-morning
Hey, I need you. I just miss your voice. Personally I would change the comma here to hyphen.
I want to be your heart throbbing,
Tell me it’s going to be alright? Ok, so I would also add quotations to the italicized lines sing they also represent dialogue.

Trust me,
we'll be okay. I like the ending but at the same time, I don't like the ending. I feel like it kind of doesn't fit in with the rest of the work but then I also think it does.

Overview
Ok, so for the most part I really enjoyed this poem. I thought that you had some nice imagery and all but there were some things that I would suggest maybe looking into.

The first one would be the formatting of the poem. You start off with lines that overflow the stanzas and while I don't particularly like that, I liked it better then the way you ended the poem. I mean, even before the middle of the poem, you started giving us two line sentences, which aren't that long and don't have a lot of room for development and strong emotions. A couple of two lined sentences is fine, but when that's all you provide it gets to be boring and bland. You need to spice it up a bit, throw in some variety.

The next thing I want to briefly mention is the imagery that you do provide. I liked a lot of it, but that's also because I've probably seen it multiple times -just in different formatting. Remember that you have to try and be as original as possible, especially when writing poetry like this. I know how easy it is to write something that just reeks of cliché(ness) even when you don't think it does. I pointed out an example or two in the line by line if you're wondering what I'm getting at.

Now, looking at the poem as a whole, I was a little confused in a few places (which are also pointed out more or less) about what was happening. At times I felt like you [the speaker] wanted the subject of the poem to open up but then at other times it felt like you didn't want the subject to open up. Maybe this was all due to mistakes or misplaced words but I still think you should go back and look at them.

All-in-all though I think you have a pretty good piece. I hope I helped some and if you have any questions please feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.