I wear your ring
I hear your voice
above the noise
above the hollering
echoes of hell
that circle
inside of my head
I see through your eyes
I feel the pain
I play the game
onto the next chess piece
onto the next fallen soldier
I have regrets
I have sinned
but
I know of one thing
I am still
madly
in love with you,
so,
I wear your ring.
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Hey Cynder here. I've done a lot of free verse poetry myself, and I've learned a few things. There's a difference between keeping it simple and not giving enough information or emotion. If this poem came from the heart, the reader wouldn't be able to tell. The little bit of punctuation hints at something but not really. I'm not dismissing your work; this probably meant something to you. Rather, I want you to expand on it. I want to see it become more than a poem, more than words on a page. I want to see it come alive.
To do that, you need to show more than tell and describe a little. In your case, you would only have to do a little and it would boost the emotion factor as well as keeping it simple. For example, to give the ring more meaning, since I believe that is what the poem is focused on, instead of directly saying "your ring," try making it more descriptive. Make it "your golden band to signify our bond" or maybe its not gold and its silver so "the silver symbol of our love, forming a circle around my finger" and go from there.
If your character here detests the ring and what it symbolizes, you could change that love to something like "the silver symbol of our ill-begotten love, forever forming a circle around my finger." If your character has a different opinion, well then change it up. These are just some ideas, but I think it would give us, the readers, insight into exactly what you feel.
Making a bunch of words come together so that people can feel exactly what you feel sounds like an impossible feat. I believe that you can. Give more details, show rather than tell in a few areas to give your piece more emotion, and I think you'll have quite the masterpiece. Good luck my friend, and if you want any help, don't hesitate to ask.
~Cynder out.
Hey! Cello here!
Great poem! You told an amazing story.
A few minor suggestions though-
I get it, not punctuation, but if you're skipping commas then you have to find another way to keep the flow nice. I'd suggest adding some 'small words', though not too many. 'the echoes from hell' Now, as I was typing that I realized you could read that two ways. 'hollering echoes of hell' or 'hollering. echoes of hell' If you're doing it the first way, I'd suggest switching 'hollering' and 'echoes' (Echoing screams from hell) but if you're putting it the second way I'd suggest taking my first edit.
Woah! What's happening in the last three lines? Is it not decided that punctuation is okay? Try to keep it consistent. Add commas and periods to the first part of the poem or remove them form the end. (I would add them as it helps with the flow)
This really left me wanting to know more about the two 'lovebirds'. You did an amazing job putting this story into words. Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Oh wow. Such meaning. Destroying an being destroyed. If you would like help with your stanza's the best I can give is to group them together based on relation of thoughts. If the thoughts relate, you can group them into stanza's. If not, then you probably shouldn't. Something I do is if the words I came up with don't feel quite right and I can't seem to make them fit into the stanza's the way I'd like then I look up synonyms for the word or word's I am replacing and see if any of those fit the stanza in a way that keeps the feel an flow of the poem. I hope this helps and personally I love your poem, it's very powerful!
Thank you for the advice!
Okay, how do I separate my stanzas? I don't write a lot of poetry, but whenever I do, the stanzas don't appear separated when I publish!
First, you get rid of the double spacing by hitting the "shift" key with the "enter" key when starting a new line in the publisher. Then, you should be able to separate the stanzas and not have the weird YWS formatting mess it up for you.
Thank you!!