My heart is sick for you,
but my head is worse.
It spins out of control
whirling in the possibilities.
The possibility that you really did care
but you didn’t know how to show it.
The possibility that fading in and out
is just a part of your nature.
Even so, couldn’t you see
how much it hurt me?
Couldn’t you see
that it made me feel disregarded?
Like I wasn’t worthy of that
text or phone call
a single line or two
instead of radio silence.
Maybe I should have been clearer
Maybe I should have pressed you more,
but I felt like I pressed enough
while I was the one being crushed
I could have given your more time
I could have kept being patient
I could have done things differently
but I was not just quick to jump the gun
I hurtled over the bullet and
cut right into your heart
but there was no blood
there were no tears
There was defeat
There was barely a response
There was no more “I promise, I’ll change,”
and there was no “I want to make things work.”
There was no fighting for me
You were so quick to agree
You were content with my decision
which makes me question your intentions.
Was all this warfare on my heart,
was it all for nothing?
Was I nothing more
than a pretty face
and a hand to hold
but not to keep?
Was I not worth
your precious time?
Was I not what you wanted,
but you were too weak
to let the words spill
from your lips?
It would have hurt
a hell of a lot less
than the throb
in my heart
and the madness
inside of my head.
So, tell me, did you really care?
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hi!
I can relate to this so easily. That's what makes poetry gripping; its a way for someone to put into words what everyone else is feeling, and to make those who don't feel it, understand. I think your piece did that justice. The word choice was basic, which is good because if you had used a lot of complicated wording, the poem would've lost most of its meaning and emotion. I'd rather have a simple and beautiful poem, then one that a jumbled mess of confusion.
I have one suggestion: maybe you could combine stanzas and play around with line breaks? I feel like there's a lot of good places where you didn't need to have line breaks. And it would make the length of you poem a lot shorter. Its just a suggestion though!
Keep writing with your heart, as well as your head!
-E
Thank your for the review and your suggestions!
I feel the pain through the words. I can relate to this. It is indeed a good topic to touch since it is so relatable. I have a few thoughts. First of all on the commas and periods, some sentences are run-ons and some lines don't have commas at the end. It should be clear where a sentence stops and begins.
and an optional parting thought was maybe you could rhyme "less" with "chest". Maybe?
Thank you for the review!
This poem unpacks a theme that a lot of people can resonate with, the pain of being ignored and lonely. However, there are some parts that are worth questioning. I feel like some of the parts of the poem are "forced" in terms of conveying the theme. My suggestion would be to look at words that can be removed to make the rhythm flow better and play with the wording. Other than that-- great job! This poem really hit home because it relates to some of my own experiences. It's a good poem, just work out the tidbits and such.
Thank you for the review!
Hello klennon. I really enjoyed this piece for several reasons, not least of which because it's personally relatable. It's a deep and visceral subject, and I appreciate that.
Needless to say, with free verse poetry, much of the form and structure is up to you. However, there is one stanza that might need a rework:
I noticed that the rest of the verses have complete grammar with a subject and verb, whereas this one does not. Disregarding grammar (especially in poetry) is perfectly fine, but I think the consistency would be improved if you added a subject to these lines, such as "There was the possibility" or "I thought of the possibility."
Thanks for reading,
Acerstorm
Thanks for the review! I agree about that stanza for sure.