Trapped inside of my own mind
Claws scraping at the outer edge
Maybe I could just walk out
but pain will seep
through instead
Locked inside of my own head
Someone threw away the key
Scraping at the lost remains
I think I’ve lost all
sanity
Help me find it, over there?
Try to stop me, is that a dare?
You ask me in a fragile voice
but it carries above the
noise
The sirens ring inside my head
Just swallow down the life I live
One, two steps until I’m dead
Twenty years, that’s
what I’ll give…
I’m thrown away behind steel bars
Pop the hinges, crack the door
The other side- across the yard
Is that what I’ve been
searching for?
My legs are pumping against the grain
I feel my steps growing thin
My last attempt is all in vain
from the pain, but who
will win?
I’m falling further down this hole
I’ve lost my mind, I’ve torn my sole
Don’t let me drown, throw me a rope
Drag me back to an
empty home
Where demons live and dragons breathe
sparks and flames inside of me
I’ve found my thoughts inside a jar
You smashed the pieces to set me free.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hey! Care for a review?
I can certainly relate to this. Lately (yesterday especially) I just want all noise to stop and all noise makers to be tried and punished for their crimes. Being stuck in your own head and having people banging on your skull is indeed painful.
The rhyming scheme of this was off. I'm cool with rhyming but you didn't stick to a pattern. At first you didn't rhyme at all, but then it's like you found a rhyme for one of them and liked it and kept doing it, but again, you don't keep to a pattern, and you don't even rhyme consistently. My advice to you: either rhyme or don't, going in between just looks kind of sloppy- not trying to be mean though. And honestly I think this piece would be a lot stronger if you got rid of the rhyming and just said what you wanted to say.
I like this one! It's a perfect picture.
The first part of this poem really had good potential! But I feel like it started to go off after a few stanzas. I think this was mostly the rhyming; it really does take away from poems- especially if they're serious poems. If this was a light, funny poem, rhyme might really work with it! But it just doesn't seem to here.
I hope this was helpful to you in some way! Keep it up!!! ^_^
-Socks
Thank you so much for the review! I completely agree with all the points you mention, and I will definitely follow the advice you've given me. I tend to veer around a bit too crazily with the perfect and imperfect rhymes. I'm usually all over the place with the first draft of a poem when it concerns rhyming, and I can see how that can detract the readers attention from the purpose of the piece. Thanks again!
Hi, klennon14, acm here for a review! This was a very interesting poem to read, while reading, I imagined many different meanings to it. My first thought was maybe a person with Stockholm syndrome, getting attached to their captor who eventually sets them free from solitary confinement. That was just what I thought, though I might have missed a metaphorical meaning underneath. Anyways, I just had a few suggestions after reading.
Rhymes- The rhymes fit in well at times, but took away from the piece at other times. I felt like you could have had more imagery or elaborated on your theme some more without the rhymes there.
In this stanza especially, I felt like the rhyming was forced a little too much. Maybe if you tried a simpler rhyming style or just took away the rhymes altogether, it would have a better flow and more imagery to it. Sometimes rhymes really enhance a poem, but other times a piece doesn't need it and trying to rhyme it constricts the flow and words.
Other than that, I saw nothing wrong with this poem. It was really good, and I can't wait to read more of your poetry!
Thank you so much for the helpful review! I was definitely wrangling with the stanza you quoted, so I will need to clean that up. I agree with all of the points you've made, and I will follow up with all of your advice.