There's something about radio silence
that comforts the soul.
Its constant whirring, buzzing
and filling my ears with emptiness.
More often than not, my ears are filled
with obscenities, hollering, thoughts
that hang on the tongue, lingering
where heavy breathes meet the air.
In the winter, my breaths are clear,
the damp, sodden atmosphere overtaking
what words were lost in translation,
and carrying them into your space.
But your space is filled with gasoline,
crawling up towards my face and
suffocating my lungs, wrapping me
in its toxic touch. I long for the moments
that overtake my being with a bubbling
sense of whole-heartedness. The way
your presence tugs on my nerves, overwhelms me
with an urgent type of wanting, desire and
the electricity pulsing through my thin-veiled veins.
Every particle moving inside of me,
moving towards the aura of you. The vile,
cruel part of this twisted game lies in the fact
that your heart is taken. Mine beats twice as fast
for you, but yours idles along the ledge of
permanency. Her voice fills your ears, her words
entice your touch, her being embraces your own.
Yet, your magnetism manages to pull us
toward each other, reaching out with spindling,
tangled up limbs, holding me there, suspended.
My body lurches towards your undercurrent,
diving in too deep and drowning me in its wake.
I swim, I flail, I push up towards the light,
but the gentle sound of your voice drags me along
further into the abyss of your all-wanting allure.
Your arms are open wide, inviting me in
for another taste. I fight the impulse to
reach for you, a craving that can never be
fed to the ravishing, weakened prey that I've become.
Your gasoline calms my lungs, at first,
pulling me into a lull of comfort and
serenity, but all too soon I being to choke,
to sputter until the blood drips from the side
of my overturned cheek, facing away from
the tragedy of this unwanted love.
Unwanted but needed, like the chemicals
in our air. The elements are balanced,
but when one outweighs the other, we are
poisoned. We are met with our demise.
Your chemicals are a drug that I inhale,
the polluted parts slowly killing me inside.
So I sink into your gasoline, letting it cover
my crackled skin, submerging myself into
the dirtied waters. I let your web entangle me,
relishing in its euphoria, but it's not enough.
It's never enough.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Hello there! LadyShadows reviewing your piece!
Everyone does that! I don't think I seen anymore words that were out of place, so I think you're golden! 
Keep writing! I wouldn't mind reading other pieces from you!
I think you are a good writer, and you have some potential. But however, you were right. This was definitely word vomit. I absolutely have no idea what you were talking about, and this could just be me, but I was trying to figure it out as I was reading this. Was it romance of sorts you were talking about? Make sure that there is a solid theme in the poetry, including in the metaphors. But other than this, this was good word vomit.
However there were small mistakes as well, and where it says "where heavy breathes meet the air" it would be breaths. I think you knew, as in the other stanza or so I saw breaths but I just wanted to be clear that I saw that silly mistake. And it's okay for mistakes.
But please make sure you read the piece out loud. It will save you from getting prodded just because you made a mistake. Like said good word vomit though
Thank you for the thoughtful and constructive critiques! I was definitely aiming for sort of a lost romance theme. I suppose I wanted to open the poem in a broad manner, so the reader doesn't know exactly where it's going, like an element of surprise. It can be confusing for sure though, looking back on this and reading the reviews on my piece. I will have to clarify the theme and what's really going on.
In a way, I want this poem to be elusive, for the reader to be questioning what's going on, because during the state of writing this poem and also going through the experience of what was happening to me this time, I was lost and my thoughts and feelings were all muddled. So I wanted to project those feelings in the poem. There is certainly a more precise and clean way I can do it though!
I will take all of your considerations into thought, I appreciate the much needed feedback!!
Holy moly, that's all I have to say.
You are honestly and undeniably a fantastic writer, you've shown us here, you've used such a broad range of similes, metaphors, personification, and I like the oxymoron/juxtaposition! (in the first stanza, "filling my ears with emptiness") Well done here. Your poetic techniques are to be commended!! I love all the stanzas, particularly the last stanza. It's heart wrenching! It really is!
The only thing I can say to improve on (which I know is very very hard given the length of the poem) is to use a theme for your metaphors, like the weather, animals, emotions, bodies of water, you get what I mean? Just so that throughout the ballad, you aren't switching from idea to idea and metaphor to metaphor too quickly, but you have done an excellent job of merging each stanza into the next to there isn't an abrupt change of direction.
If you ever write another poem, let me know!! It'd be a pleasure to read and review your works.
Have a fantastic day, poetry connoisseur!
Thank you for the review!!
Hola! Shey here to review!
For "word vomit," that was pretty awesome! I wish my word vomit was this good.
But really, this was a fabulous poem. I haven't much to comment on. Rhythm was on point, grammar was on point (except stanza two you wrote "breathes" instead of "breaths").
However, I have one thing to comment on. Often, I complain about people's lack of stanzas. This poem, I'm going to do the opposite. I felt that the divide between stanzas was in awkward places seeing as it was in the middle of sentences. Often, stanzas should be complete phrases, with really just the central idea of the poem connecting them. Yours read more like a short story.
Also, sentences would end in the middle of lines. This is unusual in poetry, so I thought I'd point it out. Now, its a poem, and poems invalidate any form of rules. So, perhaps it's your style. I'm not familiar with any of your other works, so I couldn't know.
But, my suggestion would be to maybe rearrange stanzas so that each individual idea of the poem is its own stanza. And organize the lines to have one or two full sentences in them, not parts of the sentence.
I went on about stanzas for a while, but really I enjoyed this poem. I hope I didn't come across as nitpicky. If you get a nitpicky review, that's actually a good thing, cause it means the reviewer couldn't find much to comment on.
Bravo for writing such a nice poem. I look forward to reading more of your works. Adieu!
-Sheyren
Thanks for the review
Hey there! It's Zly here, for a review. I'm not a huge poetry writer or editor, so keep that in mind for this review!
I really enjoyed this piece. I personally got deep into the rhythm of this piece, and really enjoyed the beat it seemed to keep.
My only personal "complaint" is that this piece did not go the way I immediately thought it would in the beginning. The introduction of this lover seemed very sudden, and I found myself at first wondering when we would get back to "the point" -- not quite realizing immediately that this WAS the point.
Other than that, this piece was magnetic (heh) and electric. Very beautiful, and one could really see the metaphors and similes clearly when reading. Definitely a work of art.
Thank you!!
I'll take note on the introduction leading into the poem too suddenly. I will fix that!