Don’t overbear your mind
with high hopes and false certainties.
You will only be left with
torn edges and frayed endings.
I’d like to think that
there’s a greater meaning
behind all the fake happiness
and forced smiles.
Lately, I haven’t been so sure.
With a loud mind and quiet heart,
I walk this line with caution,
hanging on the edge of sanity.
Because where else
would my whirring thoughts reside?
Not in the drifting winds
of the heaven’s calling.
Cracked hearts line the borders
of this steel-framed masterpiece,
an attempt at mending
the mistakes that we have made.
But cinder blocks and cement
only get us so far.
Glueing together the pieces
won’t solve everything, love.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hello!
In the description, you said you only wrote the poem in three minutes, so given that fact, this poem is really good. However, it does feel a bit like a rough draft of a poem to me. For example, I feel like more imagery could be used, especially at the beginning. You're kind of just getting into the flow of the poem and still trying to understand what it's going to be about, and that comes across at the beginning, in how the image of the torn edges isn't really applied in the lines above it; we don't quite understand what is being torn right away.
Additionally, a lot of the line breaks at the beginning didn't feel very intentional. It didn't feel like you were considering how the line breaks would change the flow of the poem; you were just breaking them with the goal of keeping the stanzas looking similar. I might work on this in redrafts.
Loved the emotion in the piece and the cinder blocks and cement metaphor. The repetition of 'piece' that occurs later in the poem also, I think, sort of works nicely. I think this poem has a lot of potential, I just don't feel like it's quite finished yet.
Hope this review helped! : )
-tgirly
Hello, klennon14! VegasLights here to give you a review!
I think your poem has a very deep meaning and I love that! Your poem is really beautiful and speaks to me with an open heart. The words you chose for the poem fit perfectly and had a special addition to the poem. Instead of using boring words, you gave me descriptive words. Thank you for letting me be satisfied by knowing you are unique!
~Now onto the actual review itself!~
Flow. The flow of your poem is really good! I think I can just flow through your poem like I am listening to a really good song. I also thank you for that feeling because I don't really get that with a lot of poems anymore! So when I read yours, it made me really happy you didn't depend on rhyming or any other tools. I definitely agree with @CarryOnMrCaulfield on that part of their review.
Meaning. Your poem had a really good meaning, if I saw what you were trying to portray correctly. Your last stanza, emphasized the meaning of your poem. What I mean is that sometimes we think we can just simply fix everything but we know we can't because we will still be a little broken. If that is what you were trying to portray you did a really great job with that because this kind of topic is hard to write in some aspects. But your poem mastered it, it couldn't have been explained any better.
Thoughts. I love how you showed your or the characters thoughts throughout the poem. Like you didn't exactly tell us, but instead you showed us. Kind of like show don't tell, you know? Sorry, I don't really know how to explain this portion of the review.
Well every review must come to an end, and sadly, here is the end to this one. So I thank you for your time, and I hope you have a great day!
~Keep Writing!~
xo.VegasLights
(Previously Steam1244)
What an intriguing piece. It truly spoke to my cynical side. Many poems emphasize on some sort of idealistic world, or a world that the poet envisions as being thoroughly ideal. This does not seem to do this, but instead displays the world for what it truly is. You seem to be quite the realist, and it is refreshing to see a poem from that particular perspective.
I also like that it does not heavily depend on rhymes, but rather upon syllables and flow. It works just as well, if not better. Rhyming can be slightly overdone at times. Since rhyming generally tends to be a common aspect of poetry, the lack of rhymes in this work seems to better emphasize on the cynical tone of the work as a whole.
My only qualm here is your use of punctuation. Aside from the question mark used in line two of stanza four, you generally tend to end with periods and not commas. While not a rule, commas after each line, or at least following the end of each thought, is more visually appealing, although not always entirely necessary.
Again, good work with this poem. I smiled inside as I read it. The world is not some happy place, and not everything that one wishes to accomplish will happen. Not everything goes as planned, and we should simply learn how to roll with the punches and play the hand given to us by life.
Happy writing,
- Holden Caulfield